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Short funny jokes

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By *riendly Fires OP   Couple
over a year ago

Beverley

Anyone got any quick, short funny jokes?

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By *ighlander34Man
over a year ago

skye

Ant and Dec are a joke! Ooh and short!.....but not funny!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What you mean less than 140 characters long??

What do you call a WPC who shaves her pubic hair? Cunt stubble

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

. “What’s black and white and eats like a horse? – A Zebra.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all a jeehoovers witness

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jesus is on Twitter. Mind you he’s only got the 12 followers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do women have orgasms?

It gives them another reason to moan *

* n.b. the content of this joke in no way reflects DanBerks' view on women. There, just thought I'd make that perfectly clear

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why do women have orgasms?

It gives them another reason to moan *

* n.b. the content of this joke in no way reflects DanBerks' view on women. There, just thought I'd make that perfectly clear"

Love the disclaimer!

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By *ighlander34Man
over a year ago

skye

Tried to download the Band Aid song to help fight Ebola......my anti virus blocked it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ed Miliband

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By *ighlander34Man
over a year ago

skye

I phoned my mate up last night. "Where are you?" I asked. "I'm on the 8th hole," he replied. "Eh?", I said, "I didn't think you played golf." "I don't.... But I do like a swingers party!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes????

Nothing you have already told he twice.

I'll get me coat

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By *appyguy17Man
over a year ago

walthamstow

Went in a book...saw a sign..."a third of all titles"......

So i said.."i'll have the Lion and the Witch" .......

Xx

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

Venisons dear isnt it?

4 words and probably the shortest joke in the world

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

Velcro's a rip off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tried the Tesco dating site and got a bag for life.

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff


"I tried the Tesco dating site and got a bag for life."

Hope shes not a carrier

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

Not short but I like

When my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the monkees, I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face

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By *imply_SensualMan
over a year ago

warrington

Kids asked me the other day if they could have tea at Mcdonalds, I said "Yes, if you can spell it" - they replied, "Can we go to KFC instead"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just came back from a funeral of a friend who died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball whilst playing tennis...It was a fantastic service!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She said, 'do you like breasts or thighs?' I said, ' personally I like shaven fannies.' I'm not allowed back in KFC.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Anyone got any quick, short funny jokes? "

Why is santas sack so full?

Because he only cums once a year

hi we love your pics and have lots of similar ones ourselves, we wondered if you would like to share

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By *hynewguy2012Man
over a year ago

dartford

the guy who wrote that song " oh okey y" died last week.

apparently it took them hours to bury him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live

"

Is Santa a peado? No wonder we associate Cliff with Christmas

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"the guy who wrote that song " oh okey y" died last week.

apparently it took them hours to bury him. "

brilliant!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've planted part of a riding whip. I'm hoping for a nice crop.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I felt super exhausted after giving blood. It's such a draining procedure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went on the holiday of a lifetime once....Never again.

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By *isty286Couple
over a year ago

Dorset

Q. What's always brown and sticky?

A. A stick!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner.. Well it was just collecting dust!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Crime in multi storey car parks, it's wrong on so many levels.

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By *riendly Fires OP   Couple
over a year ago

Beverley


"I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all a jeehoovers witness"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What putt-putts along the river bed at 30mph.....?????

"A motor pike and side carp". obviously...!!!

Why are new ships better than old ones???

"Because they do more miles to the galleon"

Finalé...(groan....)....

What's the lady's name who sets fire to all her utility bills????

"Bernadette"

Sorry.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all a jeehoovers witness"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yea guy walked into a bar OUCH!!! it was an iron bar xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Venisons dear isnt it?

4 words and probably the shortest joke in the world"

Jimmy Carr......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all a jeehoovers witness"

Very good, made me chuckle, which book did they come from, my kids would love it, if they're not from a book then get writing one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Familiarity breeds.....

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

what did the doctor say when he pulled a pessary from behind his ear ?

"you know nurse this means some bums got my pencil "

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By *uttyjonnMan
over a year ago

SEA

2 woman sitting quietly

te he

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where do cows go on a Saturday night ?

to the Moovies .

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By *carineMan
over a year ago

Armthorpe, Doncaster

I've just accidentally swallowed some cat medicine. Don't ask miaow.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seven dwarves in a bath feeling happy... So Happy got out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a God.

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

Horse walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just sold my Hoover... Well, it was only gathering dust.

Just got back from one of those 'Once in a Lifetime' trips... Never again...

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

Whats the fastest cake in the world?

Scone!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the pervert cross the road? He had his cock stuck up the chicken.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Whats the fastest cake in the world?

Scone!"

That joke only works dependent on how you pronounce 'scone'. Is it 'scone', or 'scone' ?

Me, I pronounce it 'scone'

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum


"Whats the fastest cake in the world?

Scone!

That joke only works dependent on how you pronounce 'scone'. Is it 'scone', or 'scone' ?

Me, I pronounce it 'scone'

"

In Yorkshires they pronounce it 'scone' so the joke doesn't work. But I'm a southerner originally so pronounce it 'scone', which is the correct way!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all a jeehoovers witness

Very good, made me chuckle, which book did they come from, my kids would love it, if they're not from a book then get writing one "

Sounds like some Tim Vine one liners

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Orgasns are like opinions

Mine are important and quite frankly I don't care if you have one

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

"Those German scientists are doing nothing new." Said Paddy. "Me and Mick cut a hole in a Comet years ago." "Did you fuck!" I replied. "And what did you find?" Paddy said, "We got away with 8 televisions and a microwave.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit

at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."

My dog's full of useful information like that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Whats the fastest cake in the world?

Scone!

That joke only works dependent on how you pronounce 'scone'. Is it 'scone', or 'scone' ?

Me, I pronounce it 'scone'

In Yorkshires they pronounce it 'scone' so the joke doesn't work. But I'm a southerner originally so pronounce it 'scone', which is the correct way! "

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

What cheese would you use to disguise a horse?

Mascarpone!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I want a wooden leg for Christmas, not as my main present just as a stocking filler.

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By *andixxxMan
over a year ago

Gloucester

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup??

Anybody can roast beef!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

56% of women have used vibrators the other 44% bought a new one .

..

you can tell she's a whore ...even her knickers say next

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Made ya look.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic ?

He choked on his own vimto.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

U can't marmalade your cock up a birds arse but u can jam it !!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's fastest thing running through Ethiopia , a chicken

What's 2nd fastest,an Ethiopian chasing a chicken

What do you call an Ethiopian with a gravy stain on his t-shirt,a poser

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the definition of trust?

Two cannibals having oral sex

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was asked to play triangle in a reggae band. I just had to stand at the back and ting.

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