FabSwingers.com forum: Bullying and Harassment

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How do you deal with bullying and harassment?

Being a first generation immigrant from HK and oriental, I am lucky not to have suffered any, except perhaps, the first night I spent at boarding school back in 1979!

I was 14 at the time, and a new girl in a dom with 2 others who knew each other quite well, and I had a language barrier.

We had a pillow fight. Can't remember how it got started, or whether I was "picked on".

I fought back as hard as I could, and damaged my security blanket that I had since I was a small child in the process.

I was upset my blanket got damaged beyond repair, however, I found a new towel as replacement instead, and I was happy as a bee.

No one dared pick a fight with me at school since!

And such "fight back" attitude has stayed with me ever since, and I refused to be a victum. This has served me well to this date.

Ooo, I guess making the effort to integrate helped!

I remember the advice from my English as a Foreign Language teacher at the time:

In order to get a good job, one needs a good accent (remember this was 30y ago, and I was at a boarding school).

People feel uneasy if you speak a different language in front of them, as they think you are speaking about them.

The second advice still holds true IMHO, more so in the multi-cultural society we live in today!

Anyone got any experience to share?

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Bullying and harresment are very serious issues, i also think that sometimes these terms are used unnessarily. When i was at school everyone had the piss taken at some stage for something. If you hung round with a group of friends and fell out with one they would all for out with you, be horrid for a few days until you made up again. My son was picked on a bit at school but i told him to stand up for himself. It was only mild an has no lasting affect on him. I have never been bullied, oh ive had people try and intimidate me but they soon learn. You have to stand up for yourself from the first time. Any form of weakness and they will carry on.

True serious bullying especially in schools and work enviroment should be stopped. Bullies usually go around in a pack, pick on people that have some form of weakness or that there jealous off. If where people where either able to face up to the bullies or inform the authorities immediatly it could be delt with a lot better..

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By *uton_coupleCouple
over a year ago

luton

we find its best not to draw attention to ourselves , and are very wary of going out after dark , there is an extreem amount of disshormony , and tention in luton

it so refreshing when in spain as there is a truly multiculturol feeling of harmony

its a mix thats mainly spanish with i guess 10% muslim and a few morrocons , french , german ,and brits

everyone seems to get on really well here

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have been extremly lucky all of my life with this one lol

Even though I have always been a shortass I have never been bullied

The reason?

When I started secondary school the first day the renowned school bully came and told me ta give him my dinner money

I said no

He was stunned and said if ya don't I will hit you

I said do what ya fuckin like ya still ain't gettin it

He broke into a smile put his arm round me shoulders and said you are ok you are

Had no more problems ever since then

The moral stand up ta the weak insecure knobheads lol xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I have found those who have issues with intimidation and bullying at work are those I do not particularly like to work with, in the sense that they have some form of attitude issues or failings.

Rather than to address those issues and failings, they would often cite intimidation and/or bullying, worst of all, they would play the race card!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The moral stand up ta the weak insecure knobheads lol xx

You and I share the same small person syndrome perhaps?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i was harassed in my role at work for 16 months and after someone died in my family in November i decided to take it to the Hr department after months of them ignoring me ! and telling me it wa sin my head ( it wasn't)

finally after 6 months of meetings and investigations turned out i was right and i was victimised and i shouldn't have been. after being on special leave for 3 months ( they wanted me to move jobs not her) i stuck to my guns and said no

if anyone is suffering don't be afraid and stand up for yourself x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Another true story, sorry!

During my second year at school when I was 15, the girls from the same year in my house decided to take a bus to the nearest big city about 1h away at the start of the school year. We were deemed sufficiently "mature" enough to do so by the school.

Unbeknown to me, some of the girls arranged to meet boys from another school in the city. And when the time came to take the bus back at about 15:30h, they did not want to go back so soon.

I decided to stay with the group than to risk being seen a snitch or whatever.

We collectively agreed and claimed that the bus was full and there was no relief bus available. However, relief buses were available, and the bus company told the school when they started to investigate.

We ended up arriving back at the house near 22:00h, having to take a train back to the nearest train station, to be followed by a long taxi ride back!

Needless to say, all hell broke loose, and each one of us were summoned by the Head Mistress and interviewed individually.

I was offered immunity from any punishment if I agreed to tell the truth.

I knew my life would not be worth living if I told the truth, hence I stuck to the "story" as agreed by the group.

As soon as I got back to my house from the interogation by my Headmistress, I told the other girls I would never join in and lie for them ever again.

It ended with everyone in the group got banned from any outings not supervised by a member of the school for the rest of the year.

To this day, I would swim against the tide rather than to be swept away by it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"if anyone is suffering don't be afraid and stand up for yourself x"

Too true, and I have been planning to highlight an issue regarding a member of the senior management team at work, on behave of other colleagues, as I am new and have no axe to grind!

This person has been ok with me so far, however, I have seen how this person reduced other colleagues to tears in front of everyone, and no way is such behaviour acceptable!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"if anyone is suffering don't be afraid and stand up for yourself x

Too true, and I have been planning to highlight an issue regarding a member of the senior management team at work, on behave of other colleagues, as I am new and have no axe to grind!

This person has been ok with me so far, however, I have seen how this person reduced other colleagues to tears in front of everyone, and no way is such behaviour acceptable!

Mine wasnt made me really ill but now im through the worse and i know i did the right thing

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

There was a post that i saw on these forums yesterday, that absolutly made me howl, they where obviously trying to intimidate someone,but in fact in my opinion made themselves look ridiculously stupid and have to say if that was the way they spoke to people in their real lives god help the poor people they know

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The moral stand up ta the weak insecure knobheads lol xx

You and I share the same small person syndrome perhaps?!

Im like a jack russel when i gets going lol xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The moral stand up ta the weak insecure knobheads lol xx

You and I share the same small person syndrome perhaps?!

Im like a jack russel when i gets going lol xx

I am a nice pussy cat normally, however, if someone rough me the wrong way, my claws come out for certain!

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

The moral stand up ta the weak insecure knobheads lol xx

You and I share the same small person syndrome perhaps?!

Im like a jack russel when i gets going lol xx

I am a nice pussy cat normally, however, if someone rough me the wrong way, my claws come out for certain!

lol, out of everyone on these forums the only person i wouldnt want to get on the wrong side of is you pearl lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

lol, out of everyone on these forums the only person i wouldnt want to get on the wrong side of is you pearl lol"

Nah, not true! Maddie springs to mind! I certainly won't mess with Maddie myself!

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By *undebigaryMan
over a year ago

dundee

Having been brought up on a rough housing scheme an goin to an equally bad school,i leared early it was better to stand up for myself otherwise i was going to be a victim.ive always thot it was better to have a sore face than a red face.but saying that as i get older i can take a bit more abuse than i did when i was younger.i just ask them if they want a cuddle now.it seems to diffuse the situation.lol

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By *nnebellWoman
over a year ago

somewhere

We as a family are having some issues at the moment with our childs school. Our child is of mixed parentage Bajuan/British.Our child is having to deal with a child who had arrived at the school having been born and brought up in the deep south of America. The child is orcastrating a campaing of racial hatred that hasnt ever been witnessed by either myself or my partner. The school is failing in its dealings, they have so far refussed to invite the offending childs parents into school for fear of blowing it out of proportion.

Well as far as i was concerned its now gone way beyound that. While in the local park this weekend the offending child had told other children not to allow my child to get on play equipement as its only for white children to play with not "darkies", at this comment my mouth fell open. I have informed the police and have sat down and written a letter to both the education department and a copy to the boared of governers at the school.

I am aghast that in this day and age we are still encountering this kind of predudice...............

If anybody else has any ideas about how i can stamp out this kind of attitide i would be gratefull.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

How about holding a party for your child and invite his/her friends along, including the offending child?

This way, you would show good grace while extending the arm of friendship at the same time?

I have learnt the following from a training session on how to deal with changes, and believe it works well in many situations.

There is usually 2 camps for peeps when it comes to dealing with a change. There are those who would embrace the change with enthusiasm, and there are those who are dead against it, citing the good old days etc...

Then there are those who sit in the middle.

If we can persuade those who sit in the middle to join the group in favour of the change, then more and more peeps will go with the change, leaving those that are against it behind.

Eventually, some of those that are against it initially will start to want to be part of the bigger collective because they can see the benefits of the change, and be persuaded to support the change.

It's like peeps on 2 islands with a bridge in the middle. Start pulling the peeps on the bridge, and soon the others will follow etc...

Hope this makes sense. Good luck!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was bullied during my senior school because I would not be led by the so called in crowd of girls. I wouldn't try smoking or any of the other stuff they might of tried. Most of my friends were male I was never a tomboy though. I was punched kicked and verbally abused for 3 years. Even had my hair set alight with a bunsen burner. I never said anything. One day they pushed me too far and I dont know why on this particular day it was that I snapped. Just could not take any more. The main bully was pushing and shoving me. I just turned round suddnely punched her right in the face she landed on her arse and I turned and walked away. Went straight to my head of year and told her what I had done. She said to me "it's about time you stood up for yourself" and told me to go back to class. Never got bullied again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

alot of it stems from the parents, and the kids just seem to think its normal. ive a 20yr mixed race lad hes polite and always been well behaved but since he was 15 hes had problems with chavs, 1 time he was going to school n 6 set on him he was lucky that day to come out of it with a few scrapes n bruises

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When my daughter was 5 she was at primary school when a boy banged her head against the wall on two consecutive days, pushing her forehead so the back of her head hit the wall. She was scared to go to school on the third morning so I told her to put her hard school shoes on, not the soft leather ones she usually wore. Then I planted my foot in front of her and told her to kick me in the shin. She tapped me lightly. I told her to do it again as hard as she could. She did, and it bloody hurt. Then I told her that if this boy did it again that's what she had to do.

Later that day I went to collect her at hometime and her teacher called me aside and said the school did not approve of children kicking other children, so I twigged that this boy had done it again and she kicked him. I told the teacher what had been happening and she said they were aware and that it would have died down eventually which is why they never acted, to which I replied, "How many times does my daughter have to have her head banged against a brick wall until you are satisfied that it's died down then?" She replied that if my daughter kicked this boy again she may well be suspended. I replied, "Don't worry, she won't kick him again because he won't go near her again."

He didn't, and she didn't.

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By *heWolfMan
over a year ago

warwickshire

"If anybody else has any ideas about how i can stamp out this kind of attitide i would be gratefull."

Well, not by informing the police about the comments of a child for starters, that'll just set you up for more serious abuse.

Guess what, kids can tell if someone is different and will pick on each other because of it - fatty, blackie, spastic, no-Dad, speccy Four eyes, gypo, etc etc. take your pick, there'll be something along those lines being used everywhere. If they are young kids, they will soon get bored, the smelly kid will become the next target, it's part of growing up, and you and your partner, though you obviously find this distressing, need to accept that. Whilst it is absolutely right for parents to protect their children, over-reacting by phoning the police will only get GRASS painted on your fence in 4' high letters, the abuse will go underground and become far more insiduous.

The current situation is one of life's little lessons for your child, that people are sometimes nasty, for whatever reason, and sometimes there is nothing one can do but weather the storm. When your offspring is backpacking round the world at 18 and goes to the Deep South, better they recognise the prejudice and rise above it, than be paralysed with shock and horror and phoning home for Mummy & Daddy to sort it out because some redneck has used a term of abuse. Being called a "darkie" is positively pleasant to some things your child will routinely hear if they travel outside this country.Many places in the world, even in Europe, still don't find the half-caste a part of normal life as we do here.

Time to wake up, toughen up, and equip your child to live in the REAL world, not just a fantasy place where everyone of every creed, caste and colour live in a happy melting pot in perfect harmony (playing "Ebony & Ivory" on the piano). The fact you are "aghast that in this day and age that we are still encountering this kind of prejudice" and informed the police says to me that you simply have been walking around with your head in the clouds, trust me, it's always been there, and always will be to some extent. It'll never be changed by legislation, coercion or criminalisation, that just drives it out of sight.

IMHO, this type of behaviour is best tackled by turning the other cheek, by making sure the little shit is invited to the parties etc, they will soon see your child for what they are, rather than what they have been brought up to see, and be shamed into perhaps changing their attitude towards different people. You can't make them like your child, but you can stop them disliking for no reason.

Not forgetting, of course, that it's not all smiling Morgan Freeman and racial harmony in the USA either. White people are certainly not welcome in certain areas, you don't know that the child's family hasn't experienced racial tensions that shaped their attitude, tensions that we here in the UK have no real concept of, in a civilised society. The USA is one of the most backward places I have ever been regarding race relations, totally at odds with the official idea that it's a big melting pot, black president or not. As a white man, I had more chance of being shot dead simply for being white than in just about any African city I have visited, frighteningly so, in this day and age.

Such is life, I'm afraid.

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