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Best or worst joke....been a while.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I only knew I was going bold because it was taking me longer and longer to wash my face.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well it was just gathering dust

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts


"I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well it was just gathering dust"

Come on, you can do better than robbing Tim Vine

Here is my status update from yesterday:

'Whenever I think about teleportation, it always takes me to strange places.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Diarreah is heriditory apparently it runs in your jeans

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tina, if I relied on my own jokes, the tumbles would clog the servers...

And I have already used my hipster joke this month

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Being a dyslexic agnostic is a problem though. I lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They say it's a small world but I still wouldn't like to sweep it

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By *amslam1000Man
over a year ago

willenhall

did you hear about the dislexic devil worshiper ??

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he sold his soul to santa

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a fly with no wings

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A walk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Diarreah is heriditory apparently it runs in your jeans"

Hahahaha using that

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

My wife says I'm a typical tight-fisted Scotsman

So to prove her wrong I took her out for tea and biscuits.

It was quite exciting as she had never given blood before.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to give blood.. not sure the staff in pennys appreciated it but it's the thought that counts right??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have SEX DAILY

Oh, sorry I mean DYSELXIA

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dyslexic friend arrived the other night with a pot of boot polish. Apparently the cocks have to go black or something...

sorry Cam x

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By *icked weaselCouple
over a year ago

Near Edinburgh..

Oscar Pistorius Really Really wanted a new bathroom door.. but his girlfriend was dead against it..

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

I once went to be a sperm donor after going dogging, but apparently stomach pumping is frowned upon

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I once went to be a sperm donor after going dogging, but apparently stomach pumping is frowned upon "

Reminds of the urban myth about Marc Almond.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts


"I once went to be a sperm donor after going dogging, but apparently stomach pumping is frowned upon

Reminds of the urban myth about Marc Almond. "

And Elton John

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind as it hits your windscreen?

It's arse!!

I'm here all week ladies and gents.........

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Oscar Pistorius Really Really wanted a new bathroom door.. but his girlfriend was dead against it.. "

I can't stop laughing :L damn this is brilliant thread

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am addicted to brake fluid But I can stop whenever I want

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I once went to be a sperm donor after going dogging, but apparently stomach pumping is frowned upon

Reminds of the urban myth about Marc Almond.

And Elton John "

Don't bend down when Elton's around.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the doctors, dropped my trousers to reveal a squirrel holding a steering wheel to my groin.

"Doctor help me" I said. "This squirrel is driving me nuts"

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By *aywalton1Man
over a year ago

Walton on the Hill

Man says to woman. Come on give me a kiss. Woman says, I can't, I have a boyfriend. Guy says, come on, just a quick kiss. Woman says, I really can't, in fact, we shouldn't even be having sex!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was wondering why a frisbee seem to get bigger the closer it gets Then it hit me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Late one evening , a man leaving a lake with two buckets of fish, when he's stopped by the gamekeeper," Excuse me sir " says the gamekeeper " but i presume you have a licence to catch fish ?" The man smiles " No. i haven't, but these are my pet fish!!"

"Pet fish" the gamekeeper replies incredulously.

"Yes every night i take them to the lake and let them swim around for a while. When i whistle, they jump back into their buckets and i take them home"

The gamekeeper frowns, "My ass!!" he scoffs. "This i've got to see".

"Okay", says the man raising an eyebrow, and with that he turns back to the lake and pours the fish into the murky depths.

For several minutes the pair watch the water surface, until the gamekeeper gets annoyed. "Well ?" he cries, "when are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?" the man asks innocently.

"The fish, off course."

"Fish?" says the man,,,,,,,"What fish?"

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By *ill.willMan
over a year ago

..

Why did the tiger get lost??

Cos jungle is massive

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are there no pills for headaches in the forest? Because the parrots eat em all...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and rhymes with snoop??

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Dr dre :D

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By *ngieandMrManCouple
over a year ago

hereford

I think I'm allergic to Viagra... it makes my willy swell up!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to the zoo the other day, it only had one animal and that was a dog........... It was a shihtzu!

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By *andWCouple
over a year ago

Pontypridd

My friend didn't believe I could make a car out of spaghetti, until I drove pasta!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nt really a joke but didn't you hear in the news recently that a man has been caught stealing fireworks due to upcoming fireworks night?

He got let off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My new Sat Nav is brilliant. I was driving past a zoo and it said "Bear Left"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Theres been an update on the jimmy saville case. They think jeremy beadle had a small hand in it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seeong as tim vines collection is being raided....

Crime in a multi storey car park. That's just wrong on so many levels.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to the dentist today and there was a baked potato in the waiting room.

Apparently it was waiting for a filling

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By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say '****!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room

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By *om Tom 1969Man
over a year ago

liverpool

Just watched the film 'elephant boy' starring that young lad Sabu, my god he grew up to be an ugly bastard

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By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up

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By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start

eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips

a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits

five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. ''Right, get that condom

on,'' she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up

to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.

"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing,

and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those

cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

And what were you thinking?

I worry about you lot sometimes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Went to the zoo the other day, it only had one animal and that was a dog........... It was a shihtzu! "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 27/10/14 23:21:48]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I use to date lesbian twins........................ they licked a like

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

I call my dog Cigarette. she has no legs. I take her out for a drag every night

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Shakespear walked into a pub.

Oi says the barman, I can't serve you, you're BARD.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Duck shooting party are out on the moors and Little Lord Dick takes aim, fires and hits a duck. It plummets to earth in a nearby field. He takes off after it and is just about to climb the wall when he hears a deep voice.

"Eh up lad, what d'ya think yer doing?"

"I'm just retrieving that duck i've just downed"

"Not on my land yer not, that's trespassing"

"But it's my duck."

"Not if it's on my land it's not"

"Now listen here old chap, I'm a leading QC, that's my duck and if you don't allow me to collect it i shall sue you in the High Court".

"No need for that fancy talk laddie, rounds these parts we have a much simpler way of resolving small disputes."

"Oh what's that then" ask LLD.

"Well" said the farmer, "the way we settle such disputes is to have a kicking contest, we each take turns until one has had enough and then t'other is the winner. As i'm the landowner and current owner of the duck local rules dictate that i get first kick".

LLD sensing that he is much bigger than the farmer and that his boarding school experiences will stand him in good stead agrees to this.

"Ok" says the farmer, taking a step back "steady yourself" and then launches into a vicious boot into LLD's privates.

LLD's face turns puce, his ears stream with tears, he crumples to the ground and writhes in agony for 10 minutes or so. Eventually regaing his breath he staggers to his feet, takes a few deep breaths and regains some coposure.

"Right you bastard it's my turn, you staedy yourself"

"Nah" said the farmer, "you win, it's only a duck"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

eyes not ears ffs

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

It was the funeral of the local traffic warden.

Just as the vicar was about to throw soil in with the "Dust to dust" routine he heard a loud banging from the coffin and a voice wailed in terror, "Help, help, I'm not dead, there's been a terrible mistake."

The vicar paused, wondered what he could possibly do then said, with a wry smile, "Sorry, but the paper work has already been done."

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