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Joke thread... Let's spread some laughs

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics

Let's have a joke thread....

Here's mine to start...

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

Lola x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Isn't it weird that if you stand in the middle of a Library and shout 'Arrrrgh' everyone else gives you a funny look, but do the same on an Aeroplane and they all join in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex girlfriend accused me of being immature

I told her to get out my fort!

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics

I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How about an old one then....

Down at the convent, a Nun is taking a bath when she hears a knock at the door.

'Who is it?' she asks.

'The Blind Man' comes the reply.

So, she reckons there's no need to cover herself up if the man can not see, she opens the door.....

'Nice tits' says the fellow 'now where d'ya want these blinds?'

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

If you are incontinent, urine trouble

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 12/09/14 10:54:15]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 blokes, all best friends, wanted to talk about their sex life's with their partners without upsetting the girls.

They all agree to meet Sunday morning to meet for breakfast to spill the beans on the weekends antics and decide to use how many slices of toast they order to relate to how many times they had sex.

The first friend asked for a full English with 2 slices and the lads give me a little cheer of approval.

The second friend orders a full English with only one slice and the lads give him a little "better luck next time" pat on the back

The thirds friend orders 4 slices of toast and the lads go mental. Then he turns to the waitress and says

"make 1 of those brown would ya"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm constantly receiving complements about my backside.

Every time I walk past people (even strangers) I can hear them whisper to themselves.......

What an arse!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 nuns in the bath and the first nun says wheres the soap

the second nun replied yes it does doesnt it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman gets onto the bus with her baby. The buss driver says UGH, thats the ugliest baby iv ever seen! She walks to the back and sits down. Fuming she turns to the guy next to her and says, the driver has just insulted me, the man says: u go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll look after your monkey for u.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't get the (nun) joke?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the golfer take 2 pairs of trousers.... In case he got a hole in 1

Crap joke yet it cracks me up every time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two guys were snorting curry powder for a laugh, one of them was alright but the other one went into a korma!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't get the (nun) joke?"

It wears as in wears out !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I still don't get it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I still don't get it."

Not funny when it's explained to you !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

See if you get this one!

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little con descending.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely lost with some un-funny jokes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes to the doctors and says I feel like I'm turning into a cowboy - the doc says how long have you felt this way ? To which the man replies ... About a yeehar !

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By *otsoSnowWhiteWoman
over a year ago

My Ice Castle! South Wales

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Absolutely lost with some un-funny jokes."

Barrell of laughs you are today

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bill and Ben are in the bath

Bill says 'Flobalobalob'

Ben says 'If you loved me, you'd swallow'

I ran a bath for my pet monkey the other day.

When he got in he screeched 'Ooo aaah eeee aaah aah'

So I said 'Well put some cold in then'

(I don't really have a pet monkey)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Absolutely lost with some un-funny jokes."

May just be this thread not for you. Try another theres plenty about.

As one poster said they are not funny if they need explaining and weve not got time to explain them to you.

And remember just because you dont find them funny others do. Its subjective.... That can be googled if you need it to be explained

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I still don't get it."

Me neither!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Absolutely lost with some un-funny jokes.

Barrell of laughs you are today "

just read his profile his status says its not happening for him on fabs today so guess humour been replaced with self pity. Ah well. Did you hear the one ....lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a blonde I've heard lots of blonde jokes but these are 2 of my faves

A blonde girl was talking to her brunette friend about her bf's dandruff problem.

The brunette says "why don't you give him head & shoulders"

The blonde replies "how do u give him shoulders"

A red head tells her blonde sister "I slept with a Brazilian.... The blonde replies "oh my god, you slut!! How many is a Brazilian?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An apprentice had nothing to do one day and was kicking his heels around the office.

His boss got fed up watching him mope about and hands him a pot of yellow paint and told him to go to his house and paint his porch.

3 hours later the lad returns and the boss asks how did you get on.

The lad replies yep finished all done but its not a porche its a ferrarri

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics

I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I still don't get it.

Me neither!"

I'm not the only 1 apparently, lol.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I still don't get it.

Me neither!

I'm not the only 1 apparently, lol. "

no thats 2 of you but the other poster isnt continually bleating on about it shes probably moved on to jokes she does like and undetstand. Not much hope for you.... You got any postman pat books you can read instead of the forums lol

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By *lanwoodMan
over a year ago

Alton


"I don't get the (nun) joke?

It wears as in wears out !"

No, that's not right either.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Funnily enough, i've got a cat called, Jess.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I still don't get it.

Me neither!

I'm not the only 1 apparently, lol.

no thats 2 of you but the other poster isnt continually bleating on about it shes probably moved on to jokes she does like and undetstand. Not much hope for you.... You got any postman pat books you can read instead of the forums lol"

I did have a good laugh at some, (still trying to work the nun joke) BUT I went away hoping that your first little rant was a one off but seemingly not!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

punishing your husband by not talking to him is like trying to kill a fish by drowning

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't get the (nun) joke?"

Me neither

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By *safun09Man
over a year ago

Co Durham

Brilliant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I still don't get it."

Try rewriting your profile

Boom boom

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't get the (nun) joke?

Me neither "

Where's the soap? = Wears the soap

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A woman gets onto the bus with her baby. The buss driver says UGH, thats the ugliest baby iv ever seen! She walks to the back and sits down. Fuming she turns to the guy next to her and says, the driver has just insulted me, the man says: u go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll look after your monkey for u. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"2 nuns in the bath and the first nun says wheres the soap

the second nun replied yes it does doesnt it"

Last chance then if you dont get it, just move on!

Its a play on words, where one nun is asking about the location of the soap (where's) the other is replying that the overuse of rubbing her lady parts WEARS the soap down.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"See if you get this one!

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little con descending."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q, What do you call an intelligent blonde??

A, A Golden retreiver.

Q, Whats the smartest thing to come out of a womans mouth?

A, Einstein's cock

(Only kidding ladies, dont hate me! )

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The suffix lol at the end of a particular post above is beautifully ironic.

Thank you for making me laugh.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The nun joke.

One nun says wheres the soap

(As in " do you know where the soap is)

The other nun says yes it does doesnt it

(As in " using the soap as a sexual aid and fucking it wears it away)

Hope that helps

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics

'When I was younger my dad used to beat me with a camera. I still have flashbacks...and a really weird photo album'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do women wear panties.......

Because the law states that manholes must be covered when not in use!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I took the missus out for a romantic meal the other night and we played footsie under the table. I had a lovely piece of steak and she had toed in the hole!

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ


"Funnily enough, i've got a cat called, Jess."

Crikey Smooch, yer on the ball today, keep 'em coming

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dildos are for pussies

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Funnily enough, i've got a cat called, Jess."

One Monday morning the Postman Pat is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night", Postman Pat comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so d*unk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I".

Postman Pat thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is".

Postman Pat laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times"!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"See if you get this one!

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little con descending."

Don't know why but this cracked me up!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a one legged donkey

Wonkey donkey

What do you call a one legged donkey with one eye

Winky wonky donkey

Naffest jokes ever but still make me smile x. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why cant miss piggy count to 100?

Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 eggs boiling in a pan.1st egg says "I got a huge crack" the 2nd egg replies "Stop fucking teasing I aint hard yet"

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By *urvywelshCouple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

A woman and a baby are in a doctor's surgery, where the doctor is concerned about the baby's weight.

"Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor. The woman replies, "breast". With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts. After pinching her nipples and sucking and rubbing both of her breasts for some time the doctor says, "No wonder the baby is under weight - you have no milk!"

The woman replies, "I know, I'm his Nan - but I'm glad I came."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man was arrested for groping a hotel receptionist. In court, his defence was: "When I arrived there, I drove through a gate marked ENTER, went through a door saying PUSH and walked to a desk with a bell next to a sign emblazoned PRESS. Then this woman turns up wearing a badge saying PAT!"

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics

I've spent two years looking for my ex-boyfriends killer...

But no one will do it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This one is a bit sick so apologies but it made me giggle.

My girlfriend had the cheek the other day to accuse me of being a paedophile. I congratulated her on being able to use such a long word as a 12 year old

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call a one legged donkey

Wonkey donkey

What do you call a one legged donkey with one eye

Winky wonky donkey

Naffest jokes ever but still make me smile x. X "

What do you call a One legged donkey with one eye that smells bad?

A Stinky Winky Wonky Donkey

What do you call a One legged donkey with one eye that smells bad and is playing a Piano?

A Plinky Plonky Stinky Winky Wonky Donkey

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says 'So, how do you drive this thing?'

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By *rank_SimoneCouple
over a year ago

Bideford

Wayne Rooney has just completed his bucket challenge, he managed 10 pieces of chicken, 4 fries and 5 corn on the cob.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When Chemists die they Barium.

A Soldier who survived a Mustard Gas attack and Pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to Brake Fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I stayed up all night to see where the Sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognised me from a vegetarian restaurant, but i'd never seen herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

Energizer Bunny Arrested. Charged with Battery.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

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By *andyandy572Man
over a year ago

derbyshire ish


"2 eggs boiling in a pan.1st egg says "I got a huge crack" the 2nd egg replies "Stop fucking teasing I aint hard yet""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How much did the pirate pay for his ear rings?

A buck an ear.

(I'll get my coat)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do women have legs? Well, have you seen the mess slugs make!

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By *umpleteazerWoman
over a year ago

Flintshire

I failed a job interview the other day. Apparently 'gangbang' is not a good example of teamwork

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By *litterbabe OP   Woman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Night.. Or morning.. Depends where you are at...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

"

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

What has Las Vegas got in common with Rochdale ?

You can use chips to pick up loose women in them both

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So angry yesterday when my next door neighbours 18 year old bombshell of a daughter accuses me of stealing clothes of her washing line, threaten me with the police! I almost shit in her knickers

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge? A fridge doesn't make a noise when you take your meat out.

What does an Essex girl use for protection? A bus shelter.

Why did the Essex girl bring her Rottweiler to the party? Because the invite said to bring your own liquor.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sister Mary went to see Mother Superior........

"There's a case off syphilis in the convent !!!"

"Excellent !!" replied Mother Superior....."I was getting sick of that Beaujolais!! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge? A fridge doesn't make a noise when you take your meat out.

What does an Essex girl use for protection? A bus shelter.

Why did the Essex girl bring her Rottweiler to the party? Because the invite said to bring your own liquor."

Essex girl jokes! You want Essex Girl Jokes?

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Washing Machine?

A washing machine won't follow you around for a week after you've dropped your load into it.

What have an Essex Girl and a Washing Machine got in common?

They both leak when they're fucked!

How do you know when an Essex Girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her chips.

Incidentally, I am from Essex and very proud to be so. The women of Essex are wonderful people.

The origin's of the Essex girl jokes came in particular from someone who had made observations of a particular type of patron of a nightclub in Romford in the early nineties. Had these observations been made in, say Newcastle instead they may instead have been called Geordie Girl jokes.

Personally, I love Essex girls

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