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My 'peoples car' - a dull, diesel rep mobile, appeared to be more than a tad upset at my high praise of other four wheeled vehicles.
Suddenly a faceless, soulless one armed little orange man appeared on the dash, apparently in a fit of distress and depression holding a gun towards his head!
This has never happened before - and I can only assume that my car was so forlorn with despair at my regalement of more superior automobiles that it was, in it's own way, signalling me of it's intent to end it all!
Upon arriving back at home the little orange man was still there! I'm now confused as to what to do?
Whilst I don't own any guns (ok - a water pistol and a staple gun - neither of which are kept in the car) I'm concerned that I'll go outside tomorrow to find my car hanging from a tree or with a pillow over it's bonnet.
Short of phoning the AA (although my car has never shown signs of a drink problem - in fact it's really not that thirsty!) or maintaining a candle lit vigil out back tonight to keep a watchful eye - I'm stumped as to the solution to my dilemma!! 
Since the forums have been awash with car based advice threads recently I thought I'd seek help here.
Any ideas? 
A | |||
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"I'm worried about my car! We've spent a lot of time together over the last two days, it having ferried Fox and I up to the East Mids - a dual purpose trip to see the folks and for me to spend time throwing cars I'll never be able to afford around a track at high speeds not permitted on public highways. Approximately two and a half hours into our journey home, some 50 miles from the doorstep, much of which time had been spent discussing supercharged V6's, V10's and V12's, the sublime curves of Italian Supercars and the astonishing technology of modern Japanese performance vehicles - a worrying occurrence happened!
My 'peoples car' - a dull, diesel rep mobile, appeared to be more than a tad upset at my high praise of other four wheeled vehicles.
Suddenly a faceless, soulless one armed little orange man appeared on the dash, apparently in a fit of distress and depression holding a gun towards his head!
This has never happened before - and I can only assume that my car was so forlorn with despair at my regalement of more superior automobiles that it was, in it's own way, signalling me of it's intent to end it all!
Upon arriving back at home the little orange man was still there! I'm now confused as to what to do?
Whilst I don't own any guns (ok - a water pistol and a staple gun - neither of which are kept in the car) I'm concerned that I'll go outside tomorrow to find my car hanging from a tree or with a pillow over it's bonnet.
Short of phoning the AA (although my car has never shown signs of a drink problem - in fact it's really not that thirsty!) or maintaining a candle lit vigil out back tonight to keep a watchful eye - I'm stumped as to the solution to my dilemma!!
Since the forums have been awash with car based advice threads recently I thought I'd seek help here.
Any ideas?
A"Can't give any advice on cars but your Post did make me chortle  | |||
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By the time we'd got back it had dropped from 50 to just 5!
Although I think it might be having second thoughts as that was well over 5 minutes ago now, I've just looked out of the window and apart from looking a little dark and depressing - it still appears to be in one piece where I left it. There's no noose draped over the nearby tree and I've not heard any loud bangs!
Should I just let it sleep off it's bad mood and see how it is I the morning? 
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"If it's a French car, it could be the auto-surrender system light. Check on the outside of the vehicle - if there are two raised arms, there's your answer. If it's a Japanese car, it could be the auto-suicide system. Wait a couple of days, and if it becomes a convertible - there's your answer. If it's a British car, it's probably just to let you know the tea's running out, but the car was too polite to ask for more. " It's German!
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"What was even more worrying is that I think it plans to end it soon! Just like a kind of 'doomsday clock' - there were these little numbers, counting down over the final stretch of the journey home - oddly in '5's' rather than a simple one at a time ever reducing number!
By the time we'd got back it had dropped from 50 to just 5!
Although I think it might be having second thoughts as that was well over 5 minutes ago now, I've just looked out of the window and apart from looking a little dark and depressing - it still appears to be in one piece where I left it. There's no noose draped over the nearby tree and I've not heard any loud bangs!
Should I just let it sleep off it's bad mood and see how it is I the morning?
A"Never go to sleep on an argument, go out and apologise, even if you don't mean it | |||
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"What was even more worrying is that I think it plans to end it soon! Just like a kind of 'doomsday clock' - there were these little numbers, counting down over the final stretch of the journey home - oddly in '5's' rather than a simple one at a time ever reducing number!
By the time we'd got back it had dropped from 50 to just 5!
Although I think it might be having second thoughts as that was well over 5 minutes ago now, I've just looked out of the window and apart from looking a little dark and depressing - it still appears to be in one piece where I left it. There's no noose draped over the nearby tree and I've not heard any loud bangs!
Should I just let it sleep off it's bad mood and see how it is I the morning?
A"It's just very thirsty... Maybe give it a tank of some premium fuel, let it drink its troubles away! | |||
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"It's fucked... "You think it's been having illicit encounters with that cheap French topless tart we brought home last week?
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"It's fucked...
You think it's been having illicit encounters with that cheap French topless tart we brought home last week?
A"It's jealous of the axes you were driving today..it thought fuck you and sought revenge nothing like a car scorned | |||
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"It's fucked...
You think it's been having illicit encounters with that cheap French topless tart we brought home last week?
A
It's jealous of the axes you were driving today..it thought fuck you and sought revenge nothing like a car scorned "Cars FFs not axes | |||
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"What was even more worrying is that I think it plans to end it soon! Just like a kind of 'doomsday clock' - there were these little numbers, counting down over the final stretch of the journey home - oddly in '5's' rather than a simple one at a time ever reducing number!
By the time we'd got back it had dropped from 50 to just 5!
Although I think it might be having second thoughts as that was well over 5 minutes ago now, I've just looked out of the window and apart from looking a little dark and depressing - it still appears to be in one piece where I left it. There's no noose draped over the nearby tree and I've not heard any loud bangs!
Should I just let it sleep off it's bad mood and see how it is I the morning?
A"I think your car needs a drink. I know I do | |||
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Just went to check on the car. It's still there, looking just as I left it.
So I opened the door, sat in the drivers seat and turned the key. The little orange, suicidal looking chap with a gun to his head is still there - but the countdown seems to have reached zero!
I'm now seriously worried. What if my car has decided to try and take me with it? I'm sure I heard a 'click' as I sat down.
I feel like Danny Glover in that cinematic masterpiece, Lethal Weapon 2 (you know, the one with Patsy Kensit, lots of dodgy South African accents and the immortal line "He's been de-kaffinated!!" ), where he's trapped on the toilet for hours sat on a bomb and needs Mel Gibson to rescue him due to developing cramp!
Damn you little orange man!
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"Is it the light telling you it needs a service? RTFM might be a good idea "Is that a car advice radio station? I doubt it's a service indicator - it only had one last month!
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"get some black tape .. cut to slightly bigger than suicidal man and stick over the orange bastard .. if peoples car makes funny noises turn up radio" I have black tape - but it's in the boot. And for the first time in ages I've left the house without a pair of scissors in my pocket!
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"firstly, if it's yellow/orange and not RED, then it's a caution rather than a SERIOUS fault. Have you googled Volkswagen Dashboard lights. There will be a list of all their symbols and what they mean. Also to me, it actually sounds like the fuel warning, ie.. it thinks you're "out of Fuel"." Now why didn't I think if that before! 
It doesn't want to die !
It wants DIEsel !
Phew! After a long sleepless night and an hour or so sat here for fear of a bomb under my seat I can go make a brew and go back to bed!
See! I knew it wouldn't take too long before a proper car expert turned up!
Cheers!!
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I mean really! To have such little respect for the feelings of your trusty steed who got you to where you needed to be to cheat on her with super fast cars?? That's utterly shocking behaviour from someone who claims to love driving. No wonder she's suicidal!!
You blatantly cheated the other day too and clearly spent far too much time with that little French babe!! I bet she told the RAC man to keep you waiting... teaching you a lesson not to hang out with other cars!
I think you should go outside immediately with a big bucket of warm soapy water and give her the rub down she deserves. And put some elbow grease into it, you've got a lot of making up to do young man!! I think you may even have to stretch to a magic tree and a hoover out too.
Chop chop you big scoundrel!! | |||
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"How could you?
I mean really! To have such little respect for the feelings of your trusty steed who got you to where you needed to be to cheat on her with super fast cars?? That's utterly shocking behaviour from someone who claims to love driving. No wonder she's suicidal!!
You blatantly cheated the other day too and clearly spent far too much time with that little French babe!! I bet she told the RAC man to keep you waiting... teaching you a lesson not to hang out with other cars!
I think you should go outside immediately with a big bucket of warm soapy water and give her the rub down she deserves. And put some elbow grease into it, you've got a lot of making up to do young man!! I think you may even have to stretch to a magic tree and a hoover out too.
Chop chop you big scoundrel!! "I now feel truly guilty. 
To make recompense I shall treat her to a 'pamper day'.
I'll take her down the road to see the strapping young lads at the hand car wash so she can get all soaped up by a team of fit young shirtless men, soaping her up lustily, massaging her bumpers and headlights and giving her a thorough top to tail going over!
She'll enjoy that.
Might even get her a wax. She's looking a bit 'furry' up front (although of course that could just be road kill!)
That is of course - if she gets me that far having ho fuck all fuel left in her!
Why didn't she just tell me sooner!
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And pay the extra for a wheel polish!! | |||
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"firstly, if it's yellow/orange and not RED, then it's a caution rather than a SERIOUS fault. Have you googled Volkswagen Dashboard lights. There will be a list of all their symbols and what they mean. Also to me, it actually sounds like the fuel warning, ie.. it thinks you're "out of Fuel". Now why didn't I think if that before!
It doesn't want to die !
It wants DIEsel !
Phew! After a long sleepless night and an hour or so sat here for fear of a bomb under my seat I can go make a brew and go back to bed!
See! I knew it wouldn't take too long before a proper car expert turned up!
Cheers!!
A"We aim to please xx | |||
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"Your car isn't female, it's a bi male. It works long hard hours and when it finally has some time with you it no longer goes hunting for pleasure. You've replaced its fun with family and pets. Worse than that you have ferried that annoying puppy in it. The little orange man was a sign of surrender. It has accepted that it was always a work and domestic model but it had its moment being thought of as attractive, desirable and passionate. It enjoyed all that T&A it ferried around but now it knows it will be the life it was programmed to have. "Would have been more obvious if a little white flag had popped out the front and started waving! Might write to the R&D dept at Volkswagen and suggest it - before the Japanese or Mercedes get in first.
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"I'll take her down the road to see the strapping young lads at the hand car wash so she can get all soaped up by a team of fit young shirtless men, soaping her up lustily, massaging her bumpers and headlights and giving her a thorough top to tail going over! She'll enjoy that." Sorry, where is this car wash... Suddenly feel like going her on her pamper  | |||
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