FabSwingers.com forum: Serious post. Loving someone

By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

What do you do when you have a member of your family, whom you love, constantly behaving in a totally unreasonable, selfish, irresponsible way? How do you deal with it when you're so furious with their behaviour, constantly, that you don't want to see them, or talk to them?

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By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

Title is supposed to say loving someone who behaves badly.

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By *trawberry-popWoman
over a year ago

South East Midlands NOT

I'd probably put pen to paper. Don't criticise them necessarily but let them know how their behaviour makes you feel.

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

Tell them how they are making me feel, and that I will be taking a step back for a while as its doing my head in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Block them from your seeing your profile and move on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If they are happy I'd leave them be. And just avoid them if they pissed me off.

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By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London

I feel you V.

I tried for many, many years to the point of my own self-worth being annihilated and in the end, cut all ties. The person in question has not contacted me at all to ask what's wrong because they are afraid to hear the truth.

Do what you feel is right but don't let it destroy you or your life. Hand it back to them kindly and let them know you will be waiting with a loving heart when they are ready.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it depends who they are and age.

With my son, if he has been behaving really badly or just doesn't do as he's told, I try and sit him down and tell him in basic terms how sad he makes me feel.

When it has been my mum, I have talked, shouted and even written letters. The only way I got through to her was to make no contact and avoid calls for a while.

I'm sure you'll find a way to make them see your views.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I feel you V.

Do what you feel is right but don't let it destroy you or your life. Hand it back to them kindly and let them know you will be waiting with a loving heart when they are ready."

What Topsy said.

If their behaviour is hurting you or other people they need to know

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sometimes people wont take any notice what ever you say they will live there life the way they want to. just stay out of there way. it wont make matters any better by you getting mad about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depends on who it is really if its someone you live with you need to talk about it face to face but I think wait a day to make sure you don't speak out of anger

If its a family's member that's not so close again don't speak out of anger wait till the hot head has cooled and talk in a rational manner

Also remember we are all different so not everyone will have the sane views or common sense or values you have

Ie your sister lives on a dirty home it's her life and her choice and your lifestyle is probably very different to hers so giving her a moan is pointless and will just cause you grieve and upset

Live and let live but if someone is pissing you off tell them what's bothering you and risk a argument and a falling out

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Leave them to crack on with it and withdraw from them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Leave them to crack on with it and withdraw from them. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have two brothers. One extreme right wing, one extreme left. They haven't spoken for over twenty years. Every now and then they try and pull me into their petty arguments or bring up their annoyance with each other at family gatherings (they haven't met for years). Our families way if dealing with it is to just ignore them until it all dies down. Ignore texts and calls and don't visit.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm in this situation as we speak.

Spoke to the person in question, explained how their actions and behaviour made me feel. They apologised but yet nothing changed. I had to stand up for myself and protect myself and asked for some space, the ball was supposedly in my court but pestering from them and another family member just irritated me more so in the end it has resulted in me backing off completely and I have zero contact with them any longer.

This person is my own flesh and blood and my one and only sister, it's obviously made things difficult for my family and tensions run very high.

Has cutting her off helped? Not really!

Would I do things differently? Possibly!

But should we really allow anyone to treat us in a way that isn't acceptable? Hell no!

Just think long and hard before making a decision as it might turn out worse then it already is x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My brother is a complete tosser.

In his 40s and still hasn't got his life together.

I tried and tried to talk to him. All I get is 'it's my life'.

All I can do is be there for him if & when he needs me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My brother is a complete tosser.

In his 40s and still hasn't got his life together.

I tried and tried to talk to him. All I get is 'it's my life'.

All I can do is be there for him if & when he needs me.

Leave them to it and be there when they need.

Sometimes people just don't want to listen.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Probably just don't talk to them

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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago

South West London / Surrey

"What do you do when you have a member of your family, whom you love, constantly behaving in a totally unreasonable, selfish, irresponsible way? How do you deal with it when you're so furious with their behaviour, constantly, that you don't want to see them, or talk to them?"

I dealt with it by cutting all ties with him and while it has caused a lot of upset for others. It's the best thing I could have done as I feel so much happier. I love him but I don't like him and I certainly don't miss his behaviour/attitude towards me.

Just regret that I didn't do it years ago....

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By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"If they are happy I'd leave them be. And just avoid them if they pissed me off. "

They're hurting other people I love. That's the problem.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if this happened now i would speak up - but spent 20 yrs in a marriage that go t me into a place i put up and shut up - its damaging and i dont think i will ever change the way i react to certain things - but it might not be a partner but say a child or sibling or in-law - so hard to say

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By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

Incidentally, I've already spoken to this person a couple of times.

I start calmly but they get defensive and rant about how it's because they're unhappy, (for which they're blaming everyone else - so and so doesn't do this for me, such and such did this), and how they "deserve" to do what they do and everyone else drives them to it.

They get angry, won't listen and make it impossible to talk about it. They act like an injured party like everyone is picking on them.

And then they bitch about how mean I am/whoever tried to speak to them about it was to them for weeks.

I'm at the end of my tether. I think those that say I'm going to have to back off and avoid them are right.

Since losing my brother last year, I really don't want to be on bad terms with the people I love. You never know how long you'll have them. But there are limits to what's acceptable and tolerable and I can't take much more of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Incidentally, I've already spoken to this person a couple of times.

They get angry, won't listen and make it impossible to talk about it. They act like an injured party like everyone is picking on them.

And then they bitch about how mean I am/whoever tried to speak to them about it was to them for weeks.

I'm at the end of my tether. I think those that say I'm going to have to back off and avoid them are right.

Sounds terrible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two tips here...

1) A lot of anger issues come down to unrealistic expectations. If you have unrealistic expectations that they're gonna act a certain way and then they act differently...that'll make you angry. So one possible step forward is to take a look at your own expectations about their behavior...it might help you get less upset...and it may be that this takes the fun out of them being contrary to you all the time.

2) When we lived over in America we learnt about being emotionally honest. It's pretty foreign to us brits but if someone says something hurtful to us we often just say bluntly "that statement really hurt me". It's worked a treat with some people who've been pretty abusive at times...stopped them in their tracks and caused them to see what it is they're doing. Don't say it in a heated or emotional way...just say it in a normal direct way...without any extra emotional baggage. Good luck

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By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"if this happened now i would speak up - but spent 20 yrs in a marriage that go t me into a place i put up and shut up - its damaging and i dont think i will ever change the way i react to certain things - but it might not be a partner but say a child or sibling or in-law - so hard to say"

It's not a partner in my case - I'm single. It's a family member.

They've had a hard time since my brother died but no worse than the rest of us, and nobody else is using it (and anything else we can think of) as an excuse to act like they're the centre of the fucking universe and nobody else matters.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If they are happy I'd leave them be. And just avoid them if they pissed me off.

They're hurting other people I love. That's the problem. "

when you say hurting i assume you mean emotionally?

everybody has different ideas of what is acceptable, without knowing the ins and outs its hard to say

some families will get hurt by a family member going out, getting d*unk regular, sleeping about, having kids out of a relationship, not working etc if that's the case then there's not much you can do as an adult its not really acceptable to expect people to live their lives how their family wishes

on the other hand they could be hurting their family because they are on drugs, stealing etc in that case a wake up call maybe needed, i would be blunt in that case and say clear your act up or stay away

you cant really give a real opinion when you don't know the details

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd probably put pen to paper. Don't criticise them necessarily but let them know how their behaviour makes you feel. "

me too good callxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sometimes - no matter how hard it is you have to cut family out of your life - i did this with my parents - obviously a whole load of issues here but at the end of the day its your own sanity that has to prevail - not sure the door will ever be closed on it but im dealing with it now with his support -

how do the others it affects feel ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd probably put pen to paper. Don't criticise them necessarily but let them know how their behaviour makes you feel.

me too good callxx

sometimes just writing it helps - even if its screwed up and thrown away

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By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"how do the others it affects feel ?"

Angry, beyond exhausted with it, despairing, tired of being blamed for it all.

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By *amamanMan
over a year ago

Inverness and around. ...

There are 2 sides to every story , and the truth is always in between. .And with families the similarities in personality can be the causes of many bad feelings ....I know because I have been there. .

sometimes hard to do but ignoring the other person seems not quite right but is the easiest solution ...and saves getting wound up cross or other negatives. ..

as they say it's never easy ..good luck

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By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

" you cant really give a real opinion when you don't know the details"

I realise that but the comments I'm getting are useful. It's not an issue of anyone physically harming anyone else.

It kind of is about how this person lives their life, (but more than just an untidy house or whatever), but it's a problem because of how it affects family members around them.

The person needs therapy but honestly can't see the problem with what they do. The delusion and having to constantly hear so much bullshit, blaming of everyone else and self pity is getting too much to handle.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"how do the others it affects feel ?

Angry, beyond exhausted with it, despairing, tired of being blamed for it all."

no chance of a family pow-wow then - all cards on table kind of thing - maybe one without that person there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Look to your response to their behaviour before you do or say anything.

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By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"how do the others it affects feel ?

Angry, beyond exhausted with it, despairing, tired of being blamed for it all.

no chance of a family pow-wow then - all cards on table kind of thing - maybe one without that person there"

We've had one, we all see the situation the same way and feel the same about it. Some of us feel angry about it, some swing between anger, sadness and resignation.

None of us can get through though.

We convinced the person to go to their doctor. They told the doctor their family think they have a problem but they're all wrong. They then came home and reported the doctor said there's no problem, that this behaviour is what the person needs to do. Whether the doctor said that I don't know but now they've further convinced themselves it's all fine.

Either way I bet they weren't honest about the extent of the problem or how it's affecting everyone else.

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By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"Look to your response to their behaviour before you do or say anything.

I can't change my response to them hurting other people that I love.

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By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"Look to your response to their behaviour before you do or say anything.

I can't change my response to them hurting other people that I love.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Look to your response to their behaviour before you do or say anything.

And sometimes all you can do then is step back x cos they won't change unless they are ready to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Look to your response to their behaviour before you do or say anything.

I can't change my response to them hurting other people that I love."

It must be really difficult for you all. Do you think they get something from the drama?

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By *ee Viante OP Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"Look to your response to their behaviour before you do or say anything.

I can't change my response to them hurting other people that I love.

It must be really difficult for you all. Do you think they get something from the drama?"

More of a sense of self pity and more of an excuse to behave worse.

Ignoring is going to be difficult but I think it might be the only option.

They can do as they like but I don't have to see it or hear about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does sound to me that this family member has a passive aggressive nature and everyone else is to blame for his/her situation but themselves. They just cannot see and don't accept they are In the wrong no matter how hard you try It's a tough one, but I think you will need to cut the ties for a while and see how they react. For your own sanity step away it won't be easy but letting go never is.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

so difficult a situation - i work in mental health care (at a very low level) but does seem like this person needs assessing - seems dillusional (SP) at bet without knowing the ins and outs - hugs for you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does sound to me that this family member has a passive aggressive nature and everyone else is to blame for his/her situation but themselves. They just cannot see and don't accept they are In the wrong no matter how hard you try It's a tough one, but I think you will need to cut the ties for a while and see how they react. For your own sanity step away it won't be easy but letting go never is. "

yes time for some tough love from everybody - might provoke an even worse reaction but possibly shock tactics might be needed - how would this person feel/react if you all left him/her to it

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By *nigmatic1Woman
over a year ago

A seaside town near you!

Hope it's ok V ... I sent you a message. X

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By *nigmatic1Woman
over a year ago

A seaside town near you!

yes time for some tough love from everybody - might provoke an even worse reaction but possibly shock tactics might be needed - how would this person feel/react if you all left him/her to it"

Hurts like hell and is scary but you're right here, it is the only way

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" you cant really give a real opinion when you don't know the details

I realise that but the comments I'm getting are useful. It's not an issue of anyone physically harming anyone else.

It kind of is about how this person lives their life, (but more than just an untidy house or whatever), but it's a problem because of how it affects family members around them.

Best to withdraw from people like that, whoever they are. Don't let them bring you down too.

It's not just you that has to fix it- if they are upsetting other family members they should withdraw from them too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm here if you need a hug (non sexual hands by my side type).

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