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Politics of Sex

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex (aka Politics of Fucking)

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner's mouth while you get off is hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after a while. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down your throats, sex is NOT just about women. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. If you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. That's fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some knee pads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Junior High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to cum, it's his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There's an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say NO like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. Women put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he's touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. It's your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you are a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. It's ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a threesome. It's the American dream. (Quick interjection - one request for a threesome is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god-awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. It's one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It's another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can't jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know it's not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little... fishy... perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved beforehand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have these rare Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all it's cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll sort myself out tonight thanks

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

I try not to vote for anything leading to Labour.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

I stopped reading at "frigid bitch". Was there actually a point to this?

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

That's more reading than I can manage. Whatever I do seems to work: I'm happy, they're happy rinse and repeat.

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By *SweetVioletxWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

WTF?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dont 42 & 43 contradict one and other?

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

I posted this as light hearted. No need for negative comments.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I posted this as light hearted. No need for negative comments. "

I got the joke, just asked a simple question

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London


"I posted this as light hearted. No need for negative comments. "

Well...it's not a light hearted list, really.

Some of the points are kinda horrible.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"I posted this as light hearted. No need for negative comments. "

Light-hearted?

It's 50 points bitching at women. There's no humour there.

"frigid bitch"... I'd suggest if that's how you think of a partner, you shouldn't be with her. It's a horrible way to speak about someone.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"I posted this as light hearted. No need for negative comments.

Well...it's not a light hearted list, really.

Some of the points are kinda horrible."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought it was pretty accurate (from the perspective of a man who is frustrated)

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"I thought it was pretty accurate (from the perspective of a man who is frustrated) "

And is going to stay frustrated with that attitude.

Don't complain if he forces your head down during oral?

I wouldn't complain, I'd bite it off and then leave.

It's not all about women? Well news-fucking-flash, it ain't all about what men want, or think they are entitled to, either.

It's just how we're wired, accept it? Well, the same goes for women too then so why the bitching?

It's funny how some men are so desperate for sex and yet are so hateful and insulting towards women.

I'm astounded anyone, other than the ones bitter because they aren't getting any, can find any humour here.

Some of it actually condones abuse!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Come on - I have read the many different rules from a woman's perspective too in mags and forums - that's nothing short of a head fuck either.

I read it as a one time humorous angst from the male perspective - just as I have found the women's ones to be funny.

Not everything needs to be taken seriously

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some i didn't like but some was a bit helpful to someone like me

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By *hris148Man
over a year ago

.

Clearly a joke, except there are a few points that ring true!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Clearly a joke, except there are a few points that ring true!!"

Exactly how I see it

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"Come on - I have read the many different rules from a woman's perspective too in mags and forums - that's nothing short of a head fuck either.

I read it as a one time humorous angst from the male perspective - just as I have found the women's ones to be funny.

Not everything needs to be taken seriously

"

I don't find the one from a woman's perspective funny either.

Those points are hateful.

I don't think any woman would enjoy having their head non-consensually forced down during oral, for example. It isn't funny.

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London

I don't really see the humour - it's just a list of instructions/demands. And some of them are a bit too much.

I mean -

"So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory"

Women kinda have the right to not be bruised by sex if they don't want to be!

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"I don't really see the humour - it's just a list of instructions/demands. And some of them are a bit too much.

I mean -

"So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory"

Women kinda have the right to not be bruised by sex if they don't want to be!"

And as far as I see it, it's a mutual thing. Women aren't responsible for their own pleasure AND his pleasure simply because he can't be fucking arsed to make an effort.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well I thought it was funny.

Apart from the bits that weren't funny.

Which was most (all) of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Women kinda have the right to not be bruised by sex if they don't want to be!"

We all have the right not to be bruised - but sometimes the passion takes over and you have mind blowing sex when you let go. I have been given bruises and once ended up giving the guy a hairline fracture - but definitely the most memorable (sexually and humorously and as a lesson to try and control the passion a little)

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some knee pads."

Any woman has the right to decide not to perform oral for any reason, or even just because she doesn't feel like it.

It's just a list of entitled bullshit by a guy who seems to think what he feels like doing is fine but he has a right to expect women to do exactly as he wants, whether she wants to or not.

The point that sex isn't about what women want is bloody ironic since the entire list is about women providing exactly what men want, without question or a right to say no.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to cum, it's his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy."

Er, what? Men can speak to women as they like during sex and we're expected to like it?

If a woman doesn't wish to be called a slut or a whore that's her bloody choice.

Sissy? Puhlease.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am beginning to realise that you can't handle any sarcasm or humour

And that you can't see things equally.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"

Women kinda have the right to not be bruised by sex if they don't want to be!

We all have the right not to be bruised - but sometimes the passion takes over and you have mind blowing sex when you let go. I have been given bruises and once ended up giving the guy a hairline fracture - but definitely the most memorable (sexually and humorously and as a lesson to try and control the passion a little)"

If both parties agree to it then great. This, however, insists it's the woman's duty to accept the bruise and be happy about it if it's what the man wants.

Like I said, entitled bullshit.

Men don't have any right to sex up against a wall, or sex that leaves bruises. Women have a right to refuse things they don't want to do without being bitched at and told they're expected to just put up with it.

It's abuse. It isn't funny.

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London


"

Women kinda have the right to not be bruised by sex if they don't want to be!

We all have the right not to be bruised - but sometimes the passion takes over and you have mind blowing sex when you let go. I have been given bruises and once ended up giving the guy a hairline fracture - but definitely the most memorable (sexually and humorously and as a lesson to try and control the passion a little)"

yes, but this list is effectively saying you don't have the right to object if you get bruised.

And we all do have that right. We can all say 'hey, let's take it easier next time'

Just saying be quiet and put up with it isn't cool.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"I am beginning to realise that you can't handle any sarcasm or humour

And that you can't see things equally. "

There is no humour there. It's hateful, it's condoning abuse and it's stating men have a right to exactly what they want.

It's treating women as some sort of objects that exist solely for the pleasure of men and saying they should not only accept that but like it.

This is not the 1950's.

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By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago

Retirement Village

Having had a long day and reading all of that all i wish to say is thanks OP, made me chuckle a little

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"

Women kinda have the right to not be bruised by sex if they don't want to be!

We all have the right not to be bruised - but sometimes the passion takes over and you have mind blowing sex when you let go. I have been given bruises and once ended up giving the guy a hairline fracture - but definitely the most memorable (sexually and humorously and as a lesson to try and control the passion a little)

yes, but this list is effectively saying you don't have the right to object if you get bruised.

And we all do have that right. We can all say 'hey, let's take it easier next time'

Just saying be quiet and put up with it isn't cool."

"I want it so shut up and take it bitch" is neither a funny nor acceptable attitude.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

Sometimes I can see why there are so many men on here bitching about not being able to get meets.

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

Lighten up. This is the female of our couple that posted it.

I took it as ' yeh, right'. 'As if'.

And laughed. If any of you take it seriously then you need to get out more and find a sense of humour.

It's not instructions. Just a laugh. Why did I bother. Honestly. Maybe it's because I'm not a regular forumite.

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby


"Having had a long day and reading all of that all i wish to say is thanks OP, made me chuckle a little "

Thank you. How refreshing to find someone who took it as it was meant to be. Hallelujah.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have just a random google search for an equivalent topic from the female perspective about mistakes men make (apart from possibly starting this thread) lol

I haven't fully read what I am

Posting - it's bed time - look forward to the responses !

1 Going straight for the naughty bits

You've got to be sensitive to the fact that a woman is more likely to be irritated than aroused when a man dives for her breasts and vulva after a few minutes' perfunctory kissing. While you might get to feel the goods, you're not going to be invited back.

2 Not knowing how to kiss sensitively

Passionate or sensitive, firm or gentle, good kissing is an art form which lubricates the wheels of sex and gets everyone in the mood for more intimacy. Learn how to kiss, and do it well. That doesn't mean sticking your tongue in her mouth and wiggling it around like you're trying to floss her teeth.

3 Being too rough when you touch her erogenous zones

Men like a firmer touch than women, especially when it comes to our penises. So if you touch her clitoris with as much force as you apply to your penis when you masturbate, she's most likely to howl with pain - and then kick you out of bed. Remember: the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the penis, in a much smaller area. Treat it with respect. It's the only organ in the human body that has no function other than to provide pleasure.

4 Not stroking and caressing her

A woman's second biggest sex organ is her skin. (The first is her mind.) You can make your touch on any part of her body into a sexy caress, but you have to focus on what you're doing and put some sexual energy into your fingers while you caress her. That means not thinking about the baseball game while you're giving her a sensuous massage.

5 Locking onto her nipples like a suckling child

Yes, we know it's fun for you. To her it just feels like she's got a teething infant hanging off her breast. Lick and kiss around her whole breast before you go for the nipple, then flick your tongue gently across the nipple and around the areolae. If she likes what you're doing, you'll know by her moans of pleasure.

6 Biting on her earlobe because you think it's sexy

She may not agree with you. In which case it will just be irritating for her, not a prelude to her turning into the sex goddess you thought you were summoning up.

7 Leaving a hickey on her neck like a teenage badge of honor

If you're over sixteen, this is a no-no. If you need to know why, you're obviously under sixteen.

8 Not shaving before sex

When you're in the throes of passion, having your beard stubble brushing back and forth across her face isn't so sexy, but at least it'll produce a red rash she can remember you by.

9 Not washing your pits and bits before you have sex

If there's one thing that turns women off, it's a lover whose personal hygiene isn't up to scratch. Even though men have a higher smell threshold than women, keeping yourself clean - especially in the more intimate corners of your anatomy (like under your foreskin) - is not just a matter of courtesy, it's a ticket back to the bedroom.

10 Forgetting she has a sensuous body waiting to be stroked

Pretty much the same point we already made up above, but worth remembering: touch doesn't just have to be in the bedroom, a prelude to sex. In fact, if you touch her a lot in a loving way during the day, she'll be ready to melt into your arms by bedtime.

11 Trying to get your fingers in her underwear before she's ready

This is the mark of a gauche teenage lover who wants to get to fourth base just so he feels more accomplished as a lover. Take your time, let things evolve naturally, and apply a little sensuous touch on the fabric covering her vulva before you dive under the elastic. The hint of what's to come is often more erotic than diving straight in there.

12 Dropping the condom on the floor

Must we say why this isn't the most popular move post sex? Dispose of the condom tidily in a tissue - put it in the bin rather than down the toilet, or it's likely to float there for some time to come as a reminder of your sexual encounter.

13 Going straight for the clitoris during oral sex or masturbation

Like we said above, most women just find this irritating - and, if you press too hard, bloody uncomfortable too. Your first caresses should be on her labia, the lips of her vulva, then as she gets more aroused, you can work nearer the clitoris itself. But even when she's aroused a soft touch along the sides of her clitoris may be more acceptable for her than any pressure on the head of her clitoris.

14 Breaking off just as she's getting to the point where she wants you to keep going at all costs

Women often get so lost in their sexual arousal that they forget to give feedback. In reality, the fact that she's lying there quietly may actually mean she loves what you're doing; if so, you should feel her pressing her vulva against your mouth or fingers, or shifting like she wants more touch, rather than giving you a sense that she'd rather be out shopping.

15 Undressing her clumsily

Listen up guys: you don't have to be able to take her bra off with one hand, behind her back, while kissing her. In fact, in my experience, it's better if you don't try. She probably puts it on by fastening it first and pulling it over her head anyway. Let her take off the garments you don't understand, and whenever you do lend a helping hand, undress her gently and sensuously rather than pulling at her clothes like you're ripping the paper off a birthday present.

16 Undressing yourself inelegantly - which includes taking your socks off after your underwear

Nothing is more comical (or pathetic) to a woman than a man in his socks and pants. Except possibly a naked man wearing socks. If you don't understand why, just accept that it is so.

17 Expecting her to shave for you

You might like the baby smooth look around her vulva, but she's more likely to see this as a prickly route to itchy stubble. Ask her nicely if you'd like her to go smooth. If she says "no", accept that graciously.

18 Sticking a finger up her vagina before she's ready, willing and able

In general, women do like to be penetrated just as much as men like to penetrate, which, considering how much men like to stick things up there, is just as well. However, she'll only want you to do this when the time is right - i.e. when she's aroused enough to enjoy it. If you're giving her clitoris attention, there'll be a point where she might like to have a finger or two inside her. If so, be gentle, and start with one finger on her G-spot. Make sure she enjoys this before you put another one up there. Two fingers on her G-spot is probably as much as she will want. And be just as firm with your touch as she finds pleasurable. If you don't know what the G-spot is, then do some Google-ing before you get into bed.

19 Entering her without asking her first

What is it with men and these dark, wet places? Just keep in mind that she decides how far sex goes, and if she doesn't want to enjoy intercourse then don't press the point. This applies especially to any strategy that involves nudging your penis into position and then pressing forward without her consent, verbal or otherwise! Having said that, you don't always need to ask "May I enter you?" though it can be a romantic and sexy thing to do if you're looking deep into her eyes. Needless to say, that's most likely to happen in the man on top position, which, by the way, remains everyone's most popular position for sex.

20 Pecking away around her vagina with your penis if you can't find the way in

This is, by all accounts, many women's least desired sexual moment. If for any reason you can't get in, don't pretend you're in control and keep trying. Simply ask her to guide you in with her hand. That way you'll save a lot of embarrassment, not to mention time.

20 Pumping away without regard for her pleasure

When you've achieved your most desired objective, and your penis is inside her, you'll want to show a certain consideration for her pleasure. She may want hard and fast thrusting, but it's best to start slow and shallow. While you're making love, she'll most appreciate your efforts if you're masculine and strong - which is to say, if you act like you know what you're doing, you're considerate and gentle at first, and work up to firm and strong thrusts if she likes them.

21 Expecting her to make love bottom up

Yes, we all enjoy rear entry. But she may be more self-conscious of her butt, she may feel like a sex object, and she may not like the rather impersonal nature of this position. If you really want to do it, and you explain to her why you like it so much (i.e. "It's incredibly exciting to see your gorgeous bottom as we make love", rather than "I get so turned on fucking from behind") she'll probably co-operate from time to time, even if it's only on your birthday and hers.

22 Thrusting too hard

If you happen to be well-endowed, or she has a short vagina, and you thrust too hard, you may end up banging her cervix. This can make her shriek, though sadly not with sexual pleasure.

22 Coming before she's got excited or begun to enjoy sex

There aren't many men who can last long enough to really satisfy a woman who enjoys vaginal intercourse and G-spot stimulation. If you can't be bothered learning how to be a long lasting lover, then at least have the decency to keep going for a few minutes so she gets some pleasure. This isn't hard, and there are plenty of ways you can learn to extend intercourse and not come so quickly. Do some research on Google for "end premature ejaculation". See also number 26.

23 Not coming at all - or losing your erection when you put the condom on

If you're one of that rarer breed of men who has trouble coming during intercourse, may we respectfully suggest you see a sexual therapist? You can then deal with this problem, learn to come more quickly, and avoid giving her a numb vagina and an intimate knowledge of the exact shade of color you painted your bedroom ceiling. If you're one of the many men who lose their erection when the condom comes out of its foil wrapper and onto the head of your penis, it's back to Google for a search on, surprisingly enough, "losing erection when putting on a condom".

24 Asking her how it was for her

This is not the mark of a confident lover, so if you really want some feedback, phrase it thus: "Did you prefer it when I did X or Y?"

25 Not going down on her when she wants oral pleasure

Since oral sex on a woman is so pleasurable for most men, this seems unlikely. But if it's a question of the smell or taste being a bit much for you, try taking a shower or bath together before sex. If you just want her to fellate you and you simply can't be bothered to reciprocate with cunnilingus, then reading these tips isn't going to help you much anyway.

26 Failing to give her pleasure if you come quickly

Remember the motto: "Women come first!" As a man, you're probably going to lose interest in sex once you've ejaculated - at least for a while. In which case, make sure she comes through oral sex or masturbation before you enter her. That way, she gets her pleasure and so do you. (With the added bonus that it doesn't matter so much if you shoot quite quickly.) Just to enter her, thrust a few times, come, roll over and forget about her is the mark of a boorish lover, and you wouldn't want to be one of those, now would you?

27 Trying to force her head towards your cock

Let's face it: she's either willing to give your oral sex or she's not. Trying to persuade her to get her lips around your glans by edging her head towards your groin is a bit crass, to say the least. If she doesn't seem to be heading that way as things hot up, just ask her: "There's something you could do that'd give me so much pleasure....."

28 Trying to force her head further down on her cock when she's giving you oral

Yes, once again we know it feels good, but you have to be considerate about it. She's not likely to be a deep throat expert, and there's no reason why she should be, since most of the pleasure of oral sex comes from the action of her tongue on your glans. Keep your hands away from her head unless it's to gently stroke her hair, and you won't feel the temptation to encourage her to go deeper.

29 Holding her head when she goes down on you

Pretty similar to number 28, but this time, holding her head and moving it up and down on your penis is the no-no. If you think that's acceptable sexual etiquette you've been watching too many of the wrong kind of films.

30 Coming in her mouth without asking her if it's OK

The taste of semen is very much an acquired taste; unfortunately it's one that few woman ever acquire. If she doesn't like it, ask her to keep going until the last minute, then tell her when you're going to come so she can move back and finish the job with a well-lubed hand. You'll get just as much pleasure, and she won't have to gag or spit your semen out. By the way, accidentally forgetting to tell her you're going to come is not permitted.

31 Thinking that a porno movie has anything to do with real life

Porn is not good for men's egos. Real life isn't like that, OK?

32 Switching on a hard core porn film without asking whether that's OK with her

Even if you find it arousing, she's not likely to, for the simple reason that much of the porn available today is fairly abusive to women. Ask her first, and if you want to share the erotic thrill of watching people have sex, get hold of some romantic sex movies that will appeal to her emotions as well as her sex drive.

33 Apologizing for the size of your penis

Just in case you ever feel inclined to apologize for not matching up to the guys in the wrong kind of movies, just remember: 98% of women would rather have a sensitive lover than one with a big penis. If you're with one of the other two percent, you need to find a new lover.

34 Answering honestly when she asks you what your last lover was like

Guys, when a woman asks you if her butt is too big, do you tell her the truth? Enough said. Your current lover is always the most gorgeous, sexy and desirable woman around. Even if she doesn't really believe it, that's what she wants to hear.

35 Asking her if she'd mind if her girlfriend joined you

Threesomes can be exciting, but they usually just cause jealousy and upset when one partner unexpectedly finds they don't want their partner making out with another person. Needless to say, this usually happens to the woman. So be sure, be very sure, you know what you're doing before you try this one.

36 Making her do all the work

Changing positions is all very well, but asking her to ride you each time you have sex seems a bit one sided. Vary the positions, have fun, and take equal shares of the work. Don't just settle for one favorite position and flog it to death.

37 Trying to slip it in the back door by "accident"

Anal sex is something that a lot fewer couples have tried than you'd believe from what you read on the internet or see in porn. It's something you might like to try, but you both have to want to do it. She's not likely to respond with warmth if you keep pretending you're poking her anus by accident. And she won't believe you if you tell her you just didn't want to ask for directions, even if that's how you are when you're driving around lost, looking for somewhere.

38 Photographing or videoing your lovemaking

Unfortunately, as many jilted lovers can testify, taking pictures while you enjoy sex is putting power in the hands of the person who has the pictures. A good compromise is to link your video camera direct to your TV without recording the images. That way you can have the erotic thrill of seeing yourself during sex without having to worry about seeing yourself having sex on the internet in a few years' time.

39 Getting into the same old same old routine every time you have sex

Above almost everything else (except possibly being deeply in love), ringing the changes when you make love is the thing that will keep your sex life fresh and passionate. You'll be surprised just how exciting it can be when you try a new position. This is simply because every position puts a different pressure on the penis and vagina, or gives you a new perspective of your partner's body, or perhaps allows you to see entering your partner's body, and so on. Exactly which sex position feels most pleasurable will depend on the shape and size and shape of your penis and her vagina.

40 Not romancing her

Women love romance. Men put up with it, or do it to get sex. True or false? Probably true, but the romantic "chase" is deeply rewarding for most men (i.e. seducing and winning a woman makes us feel deeply fulfilled), and romance is an essential part of that process. If you're able to continue being romantic once you're an established couple, then you set yourself head and shoulders above the rest of your fellow men, and you stand that much greater chance of getting regular, passionate sex.

41 Slapping her buttocks without checking if she's into a little dominance play

No mater how exciting you may find the idea, don't land a heavy slap on her butt without trying a few lighter ones first and seeing how she reacts. If you do, you may get a slap in the face. Or a kick in the balls.

42 Trying to do sex by the book (or the film)

Don't copy the moves you see in porn films. They lack a certain something. Consideration for the woman, that would be.

43 Playing with her anus before she's excited enough to appreciate it

When you're masturbating her clitoris, and you have a finger inside her vagina, you may find that she responds well to a little anal play. If you have the position right, you can use your little finger to tickle gently at her anus as your forefinger plays with her G-spot. This may well add to her excitement - especially if she's on the verge of orgasm. If you try this before she's really excited and has stopped caring what's happening to her, you might just turn her off completely, so it might not be a bad idea to check it out with her in advance.

44 Deafening her by shouting in her ear when you come

An easy mistake to make, especially if you like to have sex in the man on top position lying close to your partner, and you like to let the world know when you come. Unfortunately she won't let you do it a second time, so bury your face in the pillow or something if you're prone to uncontrollable vocal ejaculations as well as physical ones.

45 Talking dirty without checking if she likes it

Generally a little consensual dirty talk between adults adds to the excitement. The first time your partner tells you to f*** her hot wet c*** you'll see what I mean. If that hasn't happened yet, and you'd like it to, encourage her to talk dirty to you when you're making love, and see what pops out of her mouth. You might be surprised. Remember legend has it that the quiet ones are often the most surprising in bed!

46 Lying on top of her without supporting your weight on your arms

Always remember: a gentleman takes his weight on his arms. Or elbows, or knees, or something.

47 Ejaculating on her without asking permission

Coming between her breasts or on her vulva or bottom can be incredibly exciting, but it's nice to ask her first. She may see it less a mark of your ejaculatory prowess or manhood than a mess to clear up.

48 Not controlling your ejaculation

Like we said before, a good lover makes the effort to make sure his partner is satisfied before he is.

49 Not spending some time with her in your arms after sex

A man who gets up after he's done the business and sets about his daily routine is probably top of most women's sexual dislikes. For her, this is a special time when a woman feels very close to her partner. She takes much longer to come down from sex than a man does, she wants to know she's loved and special, and she wants to feel adored by the man to whom she has just given her most precious asset. The very least you can do is to spend a half hour or so cuddling her while you relax after making love, even if you're not going to spend the night with her.

50 Not cleaning up after sex

And since sex inevitably involves a certain amount of fluids, keep the tissues handy for afterwards. If you feel like being chivalrous, offer her a warm towel to clean herself, especially if you aren't using condoms.

There you go! And if you've got any more sexual tips for sexual success, send them to us at the email address in the box below.

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London


"Maybe it's because I'm not a regular forumite. "

Nope. I don't tend to notice who is or isn't a regular poster. I just think it's an unfunny list. People aren't always going to share your taste.

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby


"I am beginning to realise that you can't handle any sarcasm or humour

And that you can't see things equally. "

Sarcasm and humour are rarely accepted on this forum. Too many people with blinkers on.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"Lighten up. This is the female of our couple that posted it.

I took it as ' yeh, right'. 'As if'.

And laughed. If any of you take it seriously then you need to get out more and find a sense of humour.

It's not instructions. Just a laugh. Why did I bother. Honestly. Maybe it's because I'm not a regular forumite. "

It's *not* a laugh. Anyone who has been treated like this and been told to shut up and like it won't be finding it funny.

It's not "as if". It happens. Treating it as a joke is implying it's acceptable.

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By *SweetVioletxWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

[Removed by poster at 13/07/14 01:11:27]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I posted this as light hearted. No need for negative comments. "

Made me chuckle x

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By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago

Retirement Village


"Having had a long day and reading all of that all i wish to say is thanks OP, made me chuckle a little

Thank you. How refreshing to find someone who took it as it was meant to be. Hallelujah. "

No thank you, i needed a laugh

What i will say is don't take negative comments or dislikes to your posts to heart. Some people will get you some won't, it's an open forum so you will kind of get that.

As long as it's within the sites forum rules you post whatever you wish to. Half the stuff i post is random none-sense but that's just my weird sense of humour

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By *SweetVioletxWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Not sure why you did bother. I'm with Voluptuous Virago - most of it is objectionable & only reminds me how limited some people's views of women & their sexual rights are.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


" I have just a random google search for an equivalent topic from the female perspective about mistakes men make (apart from possibly starting this thread) lol

I haven't fully read what I am posting - it's bed time - look forward to the responses !"

If you care to look, you'll see I don't consider women slagging off men as funny either.

Both sexes have a right to respect and consideration. Good sex requires communication and mutual consent.

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

Ah well. I have realised that this forum is so cliquey.

Lets leave it at that.

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By *SweetVioletxWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Yep. The forum is to blame not the post.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" I have just a random google search for an equivalent topic from the female perspective about mistakes men make (apart from possibly starting this thread) lol

I haven't fully read what I am posting - it's bed time - look forward to the responses !

If you care to look, you'll see I don't consider women slagging off men as funny either.

Both sexes have a right to respect and consideration. Good sex requires communication and mutual consent."

I am glad to hear that you would be equally passionate if the situation was vice versa.

However, for any loving or living, it's also important to know when something is tongue in cheek and when it's offensive.

A few have read it with tongue in cheek.

I am not for any abuse or violence towards either sex for the record.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh oh oh x

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

Not blaming the forum. Just wish people would lighten up. If you really think I believe in what I posted, well, really? Just thought it would give people a chuckle, as it did some of you.

Sorry for trying. Nite nite.

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By *ummersun99Woman
over a year ago

North Yorkshire by the Sea

While some elements are funny, anything that tries to make humour of removing consent/ forcing someone (of either gender) breeds ignorence and implies it's not a big deal, when it most certainly is. It's in bad taste, though the female version seems equally as pants, IMO...

I wonder how many women you've alienated with your sense of humour, Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"While some elements are funny, anything that tries to make humour of removing consent/ forcing someone (of either gender) breeds ignorence and implies it's not a big deal, when it most certainly is. It's in bad taste, though the female version seems equally as pants, IMO...

I wonder how many women you've alienated with your sense of humour, Lol"

Thankfully I am not attracting females (-;

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

I am the female. And I don't mind who I've alienated tbh. I'm not apologising for my sense of humour.

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By *ummersun99Woman
over a year ago

North Yorkshire by the Sea

But that's the great thing about the forums, and life, everyone has different opinions and humour. And everyone has the right to agree or disagree. Good night

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am the female. And I don't mind who I've alienated tbh. I'm not apologising for my sense of humour. "

and you don't have to

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By *ummersun99Woman
over a year ago

North Yorkshire by the Sea


"I am the female. And I don't mind who I've alienated tbh. I'm not apologising for my sense of humour. "

Being the female doesn't mean you won't have women disagreeing with you. But of course, you shouldnt apologize, just I'm not apologetic for thinking it was bad taste

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

Perhaps the problem is that some people regard the list as an "as if" as though it's so outrageous that it's funny.

Unfortunately some men do think and behave like this and that isn't funny at all.

Calling a woman degrading names during sex, doing things that cause bruises and forcing her head down during oral, and telling her to stop being a sissy and like it are things I can find no humour in.

If people can't understand my point of view, so be it. I don't understand how anyone can consider abusing and degrading women (without their consent, since some like that) to be funny.

Just as the OP has a right to post it and people can say they find it funny, I can say I consider it to be condoning the abuse and degradation of women.

I don't care who posted the thread; I'd say the same whoever had posted it.

And with that, I'm out of the thread too, since some of us are going to have to agree to differ.

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By *ummersun99Woman
over a year ago

North Yorkshire by the Sea


"While some elements are funny, anything that tries to make humour of removing consent/ forcing someone (of either gender) breeds ignorence and implies it's not a big deal, when it most certainly is. It's in bad taste, though the female version seems equally as pants, IMO...

I wonder how many women you've alienated with your sense of humour, Lol

Thankfully I am not attracting females (-; "

LOL. The OP Probably just ed out the women/couples that don't share her humour, which is not really a bad thing, methinks!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These 50 things are so true!!!!

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By *ummersun99Woman
over a year ago

North Yorkshire by the Sea


"Perhaps the problem is that some people regard the list as an "as if" as though it's so outrageous that it's funny.

Unfortunately some men do think and behave like this and that isn't funny at all.

Calling a woman degrading names during sex, doing things that cause bruises and forcing her head down during oral, and telling her to stop being a sissy and like it are things I can find no humour in.

If people can't understand my point of view, so be it. I don't understand how anyone can consider abusing and degrading women (without their consent, since some like that) to be funny.

Just as the OP has a right to post it and people can say they find it funny, I can say I consider it to be condoning the abuse and degradation of women.

I don't care who posted the thread; I'd say the same whoever had posted it.

And with that, I'm out of the thread too, since some of us are going to have to agree to differ."

VV just use it to block avoid those that agree or find it funny, since they don't share your pov and humour

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

Ah well. Can't please everyone.

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By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago

Retirement Village

It's late on a satuday night and i'm trying to understand this thread so please bare with me.

OP created a thread which was meant in humour. Some people saw the funny side and laughed while some decided to let the OP know how wrong she was with her views. OP apologised as it was meant to be in jest but still gets told her sense of humour is worng and she shouldn't have said it as it sends the wrong message with respect to womens rights (possibly even takes away their right to vote, work, equal pay and do as they please too)

OP and those who found it funny have just alienated so many of this site and will be lucky to get a view let alone a meet. Have i missed anything?

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By *ummersun99Woman
over a year ago

North Yorkshire by the Sea


"It's late on a satuday night and i'm trying to understand this thread so please bare with me.

OP created a thread which was meant in humour. Some people saw the funny side and laughed while some decided to let the OP know how wrong she was with her views. OP apologised as it was meant to be in jest but still gets told her sense of humour is worng and she shouldn't have said it as it sends the wrong message with respect to womens rights (possibly even takes away their right to vote, work, equal pay and do as they please too)

OP and those who found it funny have just alienated so many of this site and will be lucky to get a view let alone a meet. Have i missed anything? "

OP didn't apologize and I merely said I disagreed strongly and why (IMO means in my opinion... Just incase it wasn't explicit). No one should have to apologize for different humour / opinions... Not the OP or anyone else. Oh and I wondered how many women may have been alienated from the few women that posted in response, only. Just to clarify

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By *hortieWoman
over a year ago

Northampton

*walks in... looks around..... backs out the room slowly.......*

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By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago

Retirement Village


"It's late on a satuday night and i'm trying to understand this thread so please bare with me.

OP created a thread which was meant in humour. Some people saw the funny side and laughed while some decided to let the OP know how wrong she was with her views. OP apologised as it was meant to be in jest but still gets told her sense of humour is worng and she shouldn't have said it as it sends the wrong message with respect to womens rights (possibly even takes away their right to vote, work, equal pay and do as they please too)

OP and those who found it funny have just alienated so many of this site and will be lucky to get a view let alone a meet. Have i missed anything?

OP didn't apologize and I merely said I disagreed strongly and why (IMO means in my opinion... Just incase it wasn't explicit). No one should have to apologize for different humour / opinions... Not the OP or anyone else. Oh and I wondered how many women may have been alienated from the few women that posted in response, only. Just to clarify "

I wasn't actually expecting anyone to respond to my post. I was being trying to be facetious whilst attempting to put the whole thing in to context but thank you for a) replying to it and trying to explain your post when i actually did understood where you were coming from and b) blocking me after my post.

Who said humoour is dead in the forums

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By *ptimusDMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

Wherever you guys find these things from.., at least I got some giggles out of this lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

its amazing that some people are relentless but i guess they think they are right.

which they are, no doubt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I may be a bit d*unk,I may only have read a few sentences but I think it's all utter bollocks. I'm going back to read the rest and have a good laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/07/14 02:34:49]

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

Highest number of replies to one of my posts. My work here is done.

That's meant as humour as well.

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By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago

Retirement Village


"I may be a bit d*unk,I may only have read a few sentences but I think it's all utter bollocks. I'm going back to read the rest and have a good laugh "

D*unk is the best way to read it and it'll either make you giggle or come back with a pitch fork hunting down the OP

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By *urvywelsh OP   Couple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

Pitch forks? Why not flaming torches to burn down my village lol.

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By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago

Retirement Village


"Pitch forks? Why not flaming torches to burn down my village lol.

"

Stop giving people ideas

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By *ummersun99Woman
over a year ago

North Yorkshire by the Sea

Cos disagreeing = fighting, lol.. I thought the point of the forums were for all to have fun sharing opinions, thoughts and comments, Obvs disagreeing is part of that. But that's only my opinion and I don't have beef with virtual fabbers. I blocked you BS.. cos I don't like people who I feel stir up threads when people are just disagreeing. I felt that Because your post summarised things that didn't happen, as I pointed out. You posted, and I felt like replying, but not any more. I was happy to share and disagree with the OP. I'm not speaking on behalf of anyone else. Sigh. I remember now why I don't like posting in the forums much. Peace out from me x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ah well. Can't please everyone.

Every single point is right the only people that are annoyed by it are women because its right

you're talking utter shit. Just like the post. You must have met some seriously sad women to agree with it"
n if my post is near yours it doesnt mean its about you. but thats how you took it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Highest number of replies to one of my posts. My work here is done.

That's meant as humour as well.

"

well done x

cant help thinking that its been read way to seriously x

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By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago

Retirement Village


"Cos disagreeing = fighting, lol.. I thought the point of the forums were for all to have fun sharing opinions, thoughts and comments, Obvs disagreeing is part of that. But that's only my opinion and I don't have beef with virtual fabbers. I blocked you BS.. cos I don't like people who I feel stir up threads when people are just disagreeing. I felt that Because your post summarised things that didn't happen, as I pointed out. You posted, and I felt like replying, but not any more. I was happy to share and disagree with the OP. I'm not speaking on behalf of anyone else. Sigh. I remember now why I don't like posting in the forums much. Peace out from me x "

Stirring up threads really an di'd like to know which part was disagreement vause i saw it as an attack on the OP for her sense of humour or anyone who shared a similar sense of humour.

Block or not is no skin off my nose tbh, people either like you on here or dont i really couldn't care less as just like you i will speak my mind and if that alienates from the majority then so be it

Having said that i will agree with your final comment in regards to posting in the forums. I use to post quite a bit but it is IMO becoming a very 'fighty' place and the fun factor seems to have gone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Admittedly I didn't read the opening post in depth, I skimmed through to get the gist.

But anyone with half a brain cell can identify that its merely a piece of writing mainly found in lads mags aimed at providing the lads with a bit of a laugh.

I would imagine that those reading it and laughing at it equally understand that if they replicated this type of behaviour in their own relationship, it could be damaging.

Some of the comments on this thread are indeed over the top and taken completely out of context. It leaves me with a sense that some people are 'playing to the crowd' as they want to be viewed as being 'oh so clever'.

So to clarify my views on it - the piece was clearly not to be taken seriously. It doesn't leave me with a sense that all womankind has been defiled.

It is not the work of the forum member who posted it, it does not accurately reflect their views.

The remarks that the poster will now be alienated for it because noone will want to play with them anymore are stupid.

There is no need to take every thread seriously and make a big drama out of it.

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By *rtemisiaWoman
over a year ago

Norwich


"I posted this as light hearted. No need for negative comments.

Well...it's not a light hearted list, really.

Some of the points are kinda horrible."

Thank you! Horrible indeed!!!

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By *rtemisiaWoman
over a year ago

Norwich


"Lighten up. This is the female of our couple that posted it.

I took it as ' yeh, right'. 'As if'.

And laughed. If any of you take it seriously then you need to get out more and find a sense of humour.

It's not instructions. Just a laugh. Why did I bother. Honestly. Maybe it's because I'm not a regular forumite. "

I don't care if it was Father fucking Christmas who posted it! There is a distinctly aggressive tone to the whole piece and it gave me the creeps.

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By *asmanian TigerMan
over a year ago

lala land


"Having had a long day and reading all of that all i wish to say is thanks OP, made me chuckle a little

Thank you. How refreshing to find someone who took it as it was meant to be. Hallelujah. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have just a random google search for an equivalent topic from the female perspective about mistakes men make (apart from possibly starting this thread) lol

I haven't fully read what I am

Posting - it's bed time - look forward to the responses !

1 Going straight for the naughty bits

You've got to be sensitive to the fact that a woman is more likely to be irritated than aroused when a man dives for her breasts and vulva after a few minutes' perfunctory kissing. While you might get to feel the goods, you're not going to be invited back.

2 Not knowing how to kiss sensitively

Passionate or sensitive, firm or gentle, good kissing is an art form which lubricates the wheels of sex and gets everyone in the mood for more intimacy. Learn how to kiss, and do it well. That doesn't mean sticking your tongue in her mouth and wiggling it around like you're trying to floss her teeth.

3 Being too rough when you touch her erogenous zones

Men like a firmer touch than women, especially when it comes to our penises. So if you touch her clitoris with as much force as you apply to your penis when you masturbate, she's most likely to howl with pain - and then kick you out of bed. Remember: the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the penis, in a much smaller area. Treat it with respect. It's the only organ in the human body that has no function other than to provide pleasure.

4 Not stroking and caressing her

A woman's second biggest sex organ is her skin. (The first is her mind.) You can make your touch on any part of her body into a sexy caress, but you have to focus on what you're doing and put some sexual energy into your fingers while you caress her. That means not thinking about the baseball game while you're giving her a sensuous massage.

5 Locking onto her nipples like a suckling child

Yes, we know it's fun for you. To her it just feels like she's got a teething infant hanging off her breast. Lick and kiss around her whole breast before you go for the nipple, then flick your tongue gently across the nipple and around the areolae. If she likes what you're doing, you'll know by her moans of pleasure.

6 Biting on her earlobe because you think it's sexy

She may not agree with you. In which case it will just be irritating for her, not a prelude to her turning into the sex goddess you thought you were summoning up.

7 Leaving a hickey on her neck like a teenage badge of honor

If you're over sixteen, this is a no-no. If you need to know why, you're obviously under sixteen.

8 Not shaving before sex

When you're in the throes of passion, having your beard stubble brushing back and forth across her face isn't so sexy, but at least it'll produce a red rash she can remember you by.

9 Not washing your pits and bits before you have sex

If there's one thing that turns women off, it's a lover whose personal hygiene isn't up to scratch. Even though men have a higher smell threshold than women, keeping yourself clean - especially in the more intimate corners of your anatomy (like under your foreskin) - is not just a matter of courtesy, it's a ticket back to the bedroom.

10 Forgetting she has a sensuous body waiting to be stroked

Pretty much the same point we already made up above, but worth remembering: touch doesn't just have to be in the bedroom, a prelude to sex. In fact, if you touch her a lot in a loving way during the day, she'll be ready to melt into your arms by bedtime.

11 Trying to get your fingers in her underwear before she's ready

This is the mark of a gauche teenage lover who wants to get to fourth base just so he feels more accomplished as a lover. Take your time, let things evolve naturally, and apply a little sensuous touch on the fabric covering her vulva before you dive under the elastic. The hint of what's to come is often more erotic than diving straight in there.

12 Dropping the condom on the floor

Must we say why this isn't the most popular move post sex? Dispose of the condom tidily in a tissue - put it in the bin rather than down the toilet, or it's likely to float there for some time to come as a reminder of your sexual encounter.

13 Going straight for the clitoris during oral sex or masturbation

Like we said above, most women just find this irritating - and, if you press too hard, bloody uncomfortable too. Your first caresses should be on her labia, the lips of her vulva, then as she gets more aroused, you can work nearer the clitoris itself. But even when she's aroused a soft touch along the sides of her clitoris may be more acceptable for her than any pressure on the head of her clitoris.

14 Breaking off just as she's getting to the point where she wants you to keep going at all costs

Women often get so lost in their sexual arousal that they forget to give feedback. In reality, the fact that she's lying there quietly may actually mean she loves what you're doing; if so, you should feel her pressing her vulva against your mouth or fingers, or shifting like she wants more touch, rather than giving you a sense that she'd rather be out shopping.

15 Undressing her clumsily

Listen up guys: you don't have to be able to take her bra off with one hand, behind her back, while kissing her. In fact, in my experience, it's better if you don't try. She probably puts it on by fastening it first and pulling it over her head anyway. Let her take off the garments you don't understand, and whenever you do lend a helping hand, undress her gently and sensuously rather than pulling at her clothes like you're ripping the paper off a birthday present.

16 Undressing yourself inelegantly - which includes taking your socks off after your underwear

Nothing is more comical (or pathetic) to a woman than a man in his socks and pants. Except possibly a naked man wearing socks. If you don't understand why, just accept that it is so.

17 Expecting her to shave for you

You might like the baby smooth look around her vulva, but she's more likely to see this as a prickly route to itchy stubble. Ask her nicely if you'd like her to go smooth. If she says "no", accept that graciously.

18 Sticking a finger up her vagina before she's ready, willing and able

In general, women do like to be penetrated just as much as men like to penetrate, which, considering how much men like to stick things up there, is just as well. However, she'll only want you to do this when the time is right - i.e. when she's aroused enough to enjoy it. If you're giving her clitoris attention, there'll be a point where she might like to have a finger or two inside her. If so, be gentle, and start with one finger on her G-spot. Make sure she enjoys this before you put another one up there. Two fingers on her G-spot is probably as much as she will want. And be just as firm with your touch as she finds pleasurable. If you don't know what the G-spot is, then do some Google-ing before you get into bed.

19 Entering her without asking her first

What is it with men and these dark, wet places? Just keep in mind that she decides how far sex goes, and if she doesn't want to enjoy intercourse then don't press the point. This applies especially to any strategy that involves nudging your penis into position and then pressing forward without her consent, verbal or otherwise! Having said that, you don't always need to ask "May I enter you?" though it can be a romantic and sexy thing to do if you're looking deep into her eyes. Needless to say, that's most likely to happen in the man on top position, which, by the way, remains everyone's most popular position for sex.

20 Pecking away around her vagina with your penis if you can't find the way in

This is, by all accounts, many women's least desired sexual moment. If for any reason you can't get in, don't pretend you're in control and keep trying. Simply ask her to guide you in with her hand. That way you'll save a lot of embarrassment, not to mention time.

20 Pumping away without regard for her pleasure

When you've achieved your most desired objective, and your penis is inside her, you'll want to show a certain consideration for her pleasure. She may want hard and fast thrusting, but it's best to start slow and shallow. While you're making love, she'll most appreciate your efforts if you're masculine and strong - which is to say, if you act like you know what you're doing, you're considerate and gentle at first, and work up to firm and strong thrusts if she likes them.

21 Expecting her to make love bottom up

Yes, we all enjoy rear entry. But she may be more self-conscious of her butt, she may feel like a sex object, and she may not like the rather impersonal nature of this position. If you really want to do it, and you explain to her why you like it so much (i.e. "It's incredibly exciting to see your gorgeous bottom as we make love", rather than "I get so turned on fucking from behind") she'll probably co-operate from time to time, even if it's only on your birthday and hers.

22 Thrusting too hard

If you happen to be well-endowed, or she has a short vagina, and you thrust too hard, you may end up banging her cervix. This can make her shriek, though sadly not with sexual pleasure.

22 Coming before she's got excited or begun to enjoy sex

There aren't many men who can last long enough to really satisfy a woman who enjoys vaginal intercourse and G-spot stimulation. If you can't be bothered learning how to be a long lasting lover, then at least have the decency to keep going for a few minutes so she gets some pleasure. This isn't hard, and there are plenty of ways you can learn to extend intercourse and not come so quickly. Do some research on Google for "end premature ejaculation". See also number 26.

23 Not coming at all - or losing your erection when you put the condom on

If you're one of that rarer breed of men who has trouble coming during intercourse, may we respectfully suggest you see a sexual therapist? You can then deal with this problem, learn to come more quickly, and avoid giving her a numb vagina and an intimate knowledge of the exact shade of color you painted your bedroom ceiling. If you're one of the many men who lose their erection when the condom comes out of its foil wrapper and onto the head of your penis, it's back to Google for a search on, surprisingly enough, "losing erection when putting on a condom".

24 Asking her how it was for her

This is not the mark of a confident lover, so if you really want some feedback, phrase it thus: "Did you prefer it when I did X or Y?"

25 Not going down on her when she wants oral pleasure

Since oral sex on a woman is so pleasurable for most men, this seems unlikely. But if it's a question of the smell or taste being a bit much for you, try taking a shower or bath together before sex. If you just want her to fellate you and you simply can't be bothered to reciprocate with cunnilingus, then reading these tips isn't going to help you much anyway.

26 Failing to give her pleasure if you come quickly

Remember the motto: "Women come first!" As a man, you're probably going to lose interest in sex once you've ejaculated - at least for a while. In which case, make sure she comes through oral sex or masturbation before you enter her. That way, she gets her pleasure and so do you. (With the added bonus that it doesn't matter so much if you shoot quite quickly.) Just to enter her, thrust a few times, come, roll over and forget about her is the mark of a boorish lover, and you wouldn't want to be one of those, now would you?

27 Trying to force her head towards your cock

Let's face it: she's either willing to give your oral sex or she's not. Trying to persuade her to get her lips around your glans by edging her head towards your groin is a bit crass, to say the least. If she doesn't seem to be heading that way as things hot up, just ask her: "There's something you could do that'd give me so much pleasure....."

28 Trying to force her head further down on her cock when she's giving you oral

Yes, once again we know it feels good, but you have to be considerate about it. She's not likely to be a deep throat expert, and there's no reason why she should be, since most of the pleasure of oral sex comes from the action of her tongue on your glans. Keep your hands away from her head unless it's to gently stroke her hair, and you won't feel the temptation to encourage her to go deeper.

29 Holding her head when she goes down on you

Pretty similar to number 28, but this time, holding her head and moving it up and down on your penis is the no-no. If you think that's acceptable sexual etiquette you've been watching too many of the wrong kind of films.

30 Coming in her mouth without asking her if it's OK

The taste of semen is very much an acquired taste; unfortunately it's one that few woman ever acquire. If she doesn't like it, ask her to keep going until the last minute, then tell her when you're going to come so she can move back and finish the job with a well-lubed hand. You'll get just as much pleasure, and she won't have to gag or spit your semen out. By the way, accidentally forgetting to tell her you're going to come is not permitted.

31 Thinking that a porno movie has anything to do with real life

Porn is not good for men's egos. Real life isn't like that, OK?

32 Switching on a hard core porn film without asking whether that's OK with her

Even if you find it arousing, she's not likely to, for the simple reason that much of the porn available today is fairly abusive to women. Ask her first, and if you want to share the erotic thrill of watching people have sex, get hold of some romantic sex movies that will appeal to her emotions as well as her sex drive.

33 Apologizing for the size of your penis

Just in case you ever feel inclined to apologize for not matching up to the guys in the wrong kind of movies, just remember: 98% of women would rather have a sensitive lover than one with a big penis. If you're with one of the other two percent, you need to find a new lover.

34 Answering honestly when she asks you what your last lover was like

Guys, when a woman asks you if her butt is too big, do you tell her the truth? Enough said. Your current lover is always the most gorgeous, sexy and desirable woman around. Even if she doesn't really believe it, that's what she wants to hear.

35 Asking her if she'd mind if her girlfriend joined you

Threesomes can be exciting, but they usually just cause jealousy and upset when one partner unexpectedly finds they don't want their partner making out with another person. Needless to say, this usually happens to the woman. So be sure, be very sure, you know what you're doing before you try this one.

36 Making her do all the work

Changing positions is all very well, but asking her to ride you each time you have sex seems a bit one sided. Vary the positions, have fun, and take equal shares of the work. Don't just settle for one favorite position and flog it to death.

37 Trying to slip it in the back door by "accident"

Anal sex is something that a lot fewer couples have tried than you'd believe from what you read on the internet or see in porn. It's something you might like to try, but you both have to want to do it. She's not likely to respond with warmth if you keep pretending you're poking her anus by accident. And she won't believe you if you tell her you just didn't want to ask for directions, even if that's how you are when you're driving around lost, looking for somewhere.

38 Photographing or videoing your lovemaking

Unfortunately, as many jilted lovers can testify, taking pictures while you enjoy sex is putting power in the hands of the person who has the pictures. A good compromise is to link your video camera direct to your TV without recording the images. That way you can have the erotic thrill of seeing yourself during sex without having to worry about seeing yourself having sex on the internet in a few years' time.

39 Getting into the same old same old routine every time you have sex

Above almost everything else (except possibly being deeply in love), ringing the changes when you make love is the thing that will keep your sex life fresh and passionate. You'll be surprised just how exciting it can be when you try a new position. This is simply because every position puts a different pressure on the penis and vagina, or gives you a new perspective of your partner's body, or perhaps allows you to see entering your partner's body, and so on. Exactly which sex position feels most pleasurable will depend on the shape and size and shape of your penis and her vagina.

40 Not romancing her

Women love romance. Men put up with it, or do it to get sex. True or false? Probably true, but the romantic "chase" is deeply rewarding for most men (i.e. seducing and winning a woman makes us feel deeply fulfilled), and romance is an essential part of that process. If you're able to continue being romantic once you're an established couple, then you set yourself head and shoulders above the rest of your fellow men, and you stand that much greater chance of getting regular, passionate sex.

41 Slapping her buttocks without checking if she's into a little dominance play

No mater how exciting you may find the idea, don't land a heavy slap on her butt without trying a few lighter ones first and seeing how she reacts. If you do, you may get a slap in the face. Or a kick in the balls.

42 Trying to do sex by the book (or the film)

Don't copy the moves you see in porn films. They lack a certain something. Consideration for the woman, that would be.

43 Playing with her anus before she's excited enough to appreciate it

When you're masturbating her clitoris, and you have a finger inside her vagina, you may find that she responds well to a little anal play. If you have the position right, you can use your little finger to tickle gently at her anus as your forefinger plays with her G-spot. This may well add to her excitement - especially if she's on the verge of orgasm. If you try this before she's really excited and has stopped caring what's happening to her, you might just turn her off completely, so it might not be a bad idea to check it out with her in advance.

44 Deafening her by shouting in her ear when you come

An easy mistake to make, especially if you like to have sex in the man on top position lying close to your partner, and you like to let the world know when you come. Unfortunately she won't let you do it a second time, so bury your face in the pillow or something if you're prone to uncontrollable vocal ejaculations as well as physical ones.

45 Talking dirty without checking if she likes it

Generally a little consensual dirty talk between adults adds to the excitement. The first time your partner tells you to f*** her hot wet c*** you'll see what I mean. If that hasn't happened yet, and you'd like it to, encourage her to talk dirty to you when you're making love, and see what pops out of her mouth. You might be surprised. Remember legend has it that the quiet ones are often the most surprising in bed!

46 Lying on top of her without supporting your weight on your arms

Always remember: a gentleman takes his weight on his arms. Or elbows, or knees, or something.

47 Ejaculating on her without asking permission

Coming between her breasts or on her vulva or bottom can be incredibly exciting, but it's nice to ask her first. She may see it less a mark of your ejaculatory prowess or manhood than a mess to clear up.

48 Not controlling your ejaculation

Like we said before, a good lover makes the effort to make sure his partner is satisfied before he is.

49 Not spending some time with her in your arms after sex

A man who gets up after he's done the business and sets about his daily routine is probably top of most women's sexual dislikes. For her, this is a special time when a woman feels very close to her partner. She takes much longer to come down from sex than a man does, she wants to know she's loved and special, and she wants to feel adored by the man to whom she has just given her most precious asset. The very least you can do is to spend a half hour or so cuddling her while you relax after making love, even if you're not going to spend the night with her.

50 Not cleaning up after sex

And since sex inevitably involves a certain amount of fluids, keep the tissues handy for afterwards. If you feel like being chivalrous, offer her a warm towel to clean herself, especially if you aren't using condoms.

There you go! And if you've got any more sexual tips for sexual success, send them to us at the email address in the box below.

"

I loved reading this. exactly right but I'm the opposite to no 26, I don't orgasm

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London


"Admittedly I didn't read the opening post in depth, I skimmed through to get the gist.

But anyone with half a brain cell can identify that its merely a piece of writing mainly found in lads mags aimed at providing the lads with a bit of a laugh.

I would imagine that those reading it and laughing at it equally understand that if they replicated this type of behaviour in their own relationship, it could be damaging.

Some of the comments on this thread are indeed over the top and taken completely out of context. It leaves me with a sense that some people are 'playing to the crowd' as they want to be viewed as being 'oh so clever'.

So to clarify my views on it - the piece was clearly not to be taken seriously. It doesn't leave me with a sense that all womankind has been defiled.

It is not the work of the forum member who posted it, it does not accurately reflect their views.

The remarks that the poster will now be alienated for it because noone will want to play with them anymore are stupid.

There is no need to take every thread seriously and make a big drama out of it. "

What I'd have written if I hadn't lost the will!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Admittedly I didn't read the opening post in depth, I skimmed through to get the gist.

But anyone with half a brain cell can identify that its merely a piece of writing mainly found in lads mags aimed at providing the lads with a bit of a laugh.

I would imagine that those reading it and laughing at it equally understand that if they replicated this type of behaviour in their own relationship, it could be damaging.

Some of the comments on this thread are indeed over the top and taken completely out of context. It leaves me with a sense that some people are 'playing to the crowd' as they want to be viewed as being 'oh so clever'.

So to clarify my views on it - the piece was clearly not to be taken seriously. It doesn't leave me with a sense that all womankind has been defiled.

It is not the work of the forum member who posted it, it does not accurately reflect their views.

The remarks that the poster will now be alienated for it because noone will want to play with them anymore are stupid.

There is no need to take every thread seriously and make a big drama out of it. "

a sensible well written post! One thing I didn't miss while I away was the drama some like to create in the Forums! Makes it obvious why some don't / hardly post anymore!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Lighten up. This is the female of our couple that posted it.

I took it as ' yeh, right'. 'As if'.

And laughed. If any of you take it seriously then you need to get out more and find a sense of humour.

It's not instructions. Just a laugh. Why did I bother. Honestly. Maybe it's because I'm not a regular forumite.

I don't care if it was Father fucking Christmas who posted it! There is a distinctly aggressive tone to the whole piece and it gave me the creeps. "

Agree, the overall message is very aggressive and mysoginist masquerading as humour. There is a real edge to it that made me uncomfortable and I had to stop reading. I similarly find "jokes" about rape and child abuse deeply unpleasant, no matter how they are dressed up as humour

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

I'm assuming the OP was taken from some lads mag like 'Nuts'. I recognise the well crafted bon mots and Wildean humour.

Honestly, anyone who has been around the internet for a while will have seen this list before, or ones like it. Yes, its supposed to be humorous (its not), but look up Mens Rights Activists some time and realise there are men out there for whom this list would be considered 'being soft on the bitches'. Even trying to be funny, this article is underlining some nasty opinions that people agree with. Oh, and its not funny. Not even remotely.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I stopped reading at "frigid bitch". Was there actually a point to this? "

is there a point to any of the fab a pic above or kiss fuck pass threads?

I've just skimmed through and in the first 10 alone there is 6 that is spot on.

men can't get hard ons at flick of the switch,

Snuggling is uncomfortable whilst actualy sleeping, and so on.

I read this as a not so serious post copy and pasted from the internet and you chose to come here and have a go at the OP for wanting to share his/her humour with others.

Is it just coincidence that everytime I see your posts you are having a go at somone?

You seem to be pretty relentless and always need to be right and want the last word.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It made me laugh cause I don't take everything so bloody seriously!

That does not mean I agree with all of it, or would I apply it to how I treat a woman.

Sometimes I can see why some of the people both male and female are single, cause can you imagine living with a miserable git like that!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ah well. I have realised that this forum is so cliquey.

Lets leave it at that. "

The exact reason why I hardly ever post on here.

you are spot on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I took it as tongue in cheek

Maybe I'm wrong or maybe I'm right to laugh. But that's the thing. We are all different

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Forum RulesIn summary:

If you treat other people with respect, you can't go far wrong. Don't forget that the forums are meant to be fun, if you find yourself fuming and writing long angry messages you're probably best taking a break from it.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Crikey, looks like I went to bed too early last night

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/07/14 09:21:08]

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

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