FabSwingers.com forum: Maintenance Payments

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Many couples when they split and have children - either agree amicably what the non resident parent will pay or it's agreed via court order/ family arbitration service.

I'm interested in views here from both sides of the fence - the ones paying and those it's paid to. Are you happy to pay it ? Would or do you begrudge paying it if your ex has got a new partner/ earns more now etc etc?

My view is - it's for the children involved irrespective of changes in circs. You are both the parents. I think it shouldn't be an excessive amount that financially cripples the non resident parent, but it helps towards bringing up the children that you both helped bring into the world. Is my view wrong?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex doesn't even see my two little ones & I've not had a single penny off him for over two years..

I've recently opened a case against him with CSA but he's on benefits & doesn't declare any work he does

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I've seen people get greedy...they have a payment set up via each other and not got the CSA involved then the ex partner has pissed them off or got a new partner and they have decided to go to the CSA only to find out that they will get less a month than what they were getting... I've seen people give up their job so they don't have to make payments etc...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We parted in 1984, and I set a payment book through the army and that was for £25 per child per week.

It was not a question of was it right or wrong they were my children and I was only to happy to contribute to there upkeep, and that continued until they both left school, I also set up a clothing store card to buy them their clothes and was going fine until I found out the ex was using it to buy her own clothes. So I stopped it.

The problem with the involvement of the CSA is that they only take 2 things into consideration on the absent parents part and that us Rent and Rates and stuff all other things that you might be paying out in your day to day living

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I still pay the mortgage on the house that my children are in and pay maintenance .

Without being snobby , the house is in a great area . Why move my children away from that ?

Once my youngest is 18 or my ex finds a partner , then I'll sell up ( 50/50 split ). I know my children are safe and in the long run , it's their inheratence .

People who don't pay for their children need hanging .

Yes , I struggle to pay it all and still live , but my children will always come first before I get a penny .

Csa are a waste of time . All payments I make to ex are bank transfer only . Payment is sent with reference every time , and when I buy my children something , I put the receipt in the shoe box .

She's on a good screw , so if she does try and diddle me , she hasn't a leg to stand on .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I split from my ex 6 years ago and I've never had a penny, he's never bought them a pair of shoes, coat or helped with uniforms, he opinion on this is because he has new partner with kids, not his kids, its now how job to provide for his new family, he cant afford to look after both

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I split from my ex 6 years ago and I've never had a penny, he's never bought them a pair of shoes, coat or helped with uniforms, he opinion on this is because he has new partner with kids, not his kids, its now how job to provide for his new family, he cant afford to look after both

That's very tough on you & the children. Some people have a very strange attitude. His loss in my opinion, as he loses out on being a father to your children. Some guys would do anything for the chance to be a father - yet others don't deserve to be. Same with mothers - before anyone thinks I'm bashing dad's - far from it !

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By *leasures4Couple
over a year ago

East midlands

Its sad to see when parents fall out and as a result, the child suffers. I've seen it far too many times. Such as, if a payment is late or missed, the father cant see the child because if it.

Grrr! This annnoys me! Whatever issues the parents have with each other, should never affect the child.

Luckily my ex partner and i have an amicable arrangement and don't have issues.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bad news I'm afraid - when me and my ex split I did contact the csa to see what I had to pay . 20% of my wages . That's fine and I totally agreed with it . However ....... They did say , if I ever meet someone else who has children , I can put that child's maintenance against my children . Eg- 2 of hers out does 2 of mine . Also if he has your children for more then 52 days a year , he would be able to drop payments .

I completely disagree with this !! My children are my blood , and even if this time comes and I do settle down , I will always stick to paying for my children .

Some people may say ' your saying that now ' , but why shouldn't i ? My children haven't done anything wrong . Why should they lose out ?

At least you can hold your head high in pride to the fact , you do look after your children . They will grow to the fact their dad is not there , has not helped out to look after them .

I take my hat off to all single parents that don't get help and still manage to provide . As I too can hold my head high as I know I provide a safe roof over their heads still and provide maintenance .

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By *al2001Man
over a year ago

kildare

Me and my ex share kids 50/50,i have them half the time

we share all other bills equally 2

helps i live very near

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

The CSA won't be around for much longer.

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-27497764

The aim is for parents to 'amicably' arrange payments between themselves.

Might work in some cases but if one parent isn't in any kind of contact or has any interest in the kids they've helped produce I can't help but think this will leave many line parents in serious financial difficulty. Using the CSA, flawed as it is, is often the only means of tracking down and forcing some people to take financial responsibility for their offspring. Relying on parents to sort things out themselves will be hard when some do everything they can to avoid giving support and will force some to try and make contact with ex partners when they don't wish to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I never got a penny for my first daughter from sixteen months old.

I split with another lady when my second daughter was four. She has never paid a penny either.

The csa were useless telling me they have even more problem getting money out of women than men.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a private agreement with my ex where he pays £50 a month for my son, goes straight in sons bank account it covers school trips and uniform. As he is starting upper school and his per kit alone is £60! And his school dinners are £3 a day I've asked him to increase it. His answer is he's thinking about it... So annoyed as never spent a penny in anything but my son and want him to be able to go in all the school trips but the pots going to be empty.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex left last march and has always been very fair with my youngest. He didnt leave me in learch payed straight away. Went official through csa so got a correct fair amount. Set up standing order and have no problem.

We have a agreement he pays half of swimming lessons as an extra

plus pgl holiday will be 290 so we are paying half the payments each month

im lucky as he is a good dad and knows his responsibilities.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have a private agreement with my ex where he pays £50 a month for my son, goes straight in sons bank account it covers school trips and uniform. As he is starting upper school and his per kit alone is £60! And his school dinners are £3 a day I've asked him to increase it. His answer is he's thinking about it... So annoyed as never spent a penny in anything but my son and want him to be able to go in all the school trips but the pots going to be empty. "

£3 for school dinners thats expensive. There £2 down this way which is £40 a month. My daughter mainly has packed lunch. If £3 aday then it £60 a month which is alot.

I personally cant get free school meals as work.maybe you can apply for that.but I think schools give free school meals to key stage 1 children now anyway, thats new and maybe your school hasnt got that yet, maybe ask

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By *xpresMan
over a year ago

Elland

I have 3 boys to my Exwife, i pay an agreed amount that WE came to between us. I also pay for other bits and pieces..

My Ex n I get on (this helps ALOT) so we can talk about things money, time with kids holidays etc etc...

Any one who dont pay for their offspring or dont visit or have there kids are lower than a snakes belly. I do understand some cant because of abuse or violent passed, but that scum dont deserve kids anyway..

Pay for your kids it takes 2,so 2 should be responsible

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

£3 for school dinners thats expensive. There £2 down this way which is £40 a month. My daughter mainly has packed lunch. If £3 aday then it £60 a month which is alot.

We work so no chance if any freebies and he's going into key stage 3. The dinners are a minimum £2.15 but no drink included. Have a deal with him he has £3 a day what he saves is his which encourages him to look at the value of stuff.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

£3 for school dinners thats expensive. There £2 down this way which is £40 a month. My daughter mainly has packed lunch. If £3 aday then it £60 a month which is alot.

oh yes I understand as same where work concerned. Yes I get you now had that with my eldest keystage 3 alot more and they dont like packed lunch when older its not cool.hope you manage to get your ex to help out more as £50 is as you say not alot

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By *ncorMan
over a year ago

Ipswich

I have agreed outside the CSA system.

Payment goes directly into the Ex Bank. Have access and the young one stays with me every second weekend, plus any school holidays that I can get the time.

The child was conceived from a loving relationship and is a part of my life. Until they decide (the child) otherwise. Love unconditional.

Does restrict meeting a companion (lady) or certainly causes meeting people from here. Single Male scenario.

Children are for life and I miss the daily contact.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My hubby has equal parental rights for his two children with his ex, court papers specifically say no money is owed to either parent. He has them for 3 nights every week and holidays. He pays her £200 a month because he feels it's the right thing to do, despite what the court says.

We buy them all clothes/shoes for here as they are dressed like street urchins at home. His ex and her partner don't work, reap in benefits, 2 holidays a year (without my stepkids) and their other two children are head to toe in designer gear while my step kids are lucky if they don't have holes in their shoes!

Now we've approached her so many times in the last 10 years but nothing is done. Social services don't care because the school have no issues and their scheduled visit was ok.

My problem is that they are entitled to a hefty school uniform grant for all her children, which gives her £55 each child and £65 for the eldest who's going to senior school after summer. Yet despite this she's currently calling him all the bad fathers going because he won't buy them their uniform!

We have two children together but I was made redundant in March, and we get no financial help, so money Iis tight for us. We have two children of our own to get uniform for. We have offered to get some bits from Asda when we get our own kids but she's refusing, she wants the money or uniform from John lewis (and the receipt!)

I have no issue with his paying for his kids, but when none of it goes on them, but funds his exes bingo trips and tattoos, while we're skint, then I have a problem!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I still pay the mortgage on the house that my children are in and pay maintenance .

Without being snobby , the house is in a great area . Why move my children away from that ?

Once my youngest is 18 or my ex finds a partner , then I'll sell up ( 50/50 split ). I know my children are safe and in the long run , it's their inheratence .

People who don't pay for their children need hanging .

Yes , I struggle to pay it all and still live , but my children will always come first before I get a penny .

Csa are a waste of time . All payments I make to ex are bank transfer only . Payment is sent with reference every time , and when I buy my children something , I put the receipt in the shoe box .

She's on a good screw , so if she does try and diddle me , she hasn't a leg to stand on . "

Good to see a man that puts the kids first hate seeing houses sold when kids are involved

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By *ichaelangelaCouple
over a year ago

notts

many years ago when my ex and i split up, she refused any financial help at all (it was all very amicable btw)

so i put what i thought was a fair amount in 2 seperate accounts (one for each child) many years later when they were all grown up and doing their own thing, they were amazed when i presented them with the bank accounts that they knew nothing about, and both found there was enough money for a deposit for a mortgage.

was worth the years of financial struggle to see how happy they were

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By *andm288Couple
over a year ago

oxford

"My ex left last march and has always been very fair with my youngest. He didnt leave me in learch payed straight away. Went official through csa so got a correct fair amount. Set up standing order and have no problem.

We have a agreement he pays half of swimming lessons as an extra

plus pgl holiday will be 290 so we are paying half the payments each month

im lucky as he is a good dad and knows his responsibilities. "

Same here for me two kids pay a fair amount weekly plus occasional clothes etc and school trips plus spending money ! I am lucky as my new partner helps out as well both financially & emotionally even though they are not her kids !

It's a win win all round

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just goes to show, not all men are bad when it comes to their children

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never had a penny from my children's dad ever, they are 23 and almost 21 now. He fucked off and shirked all responsibilities. I've never asked the waste of space either. No birthdays, christmas's nothing. I have always been mom and dad and my girls got everything they needed. I even get fathers day cards and gifts from them so i must have done something right..

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By *andymannMan
over a year ago

telford

100 pounds a month each and if you have one and he has one they cancel each other out and if as a father you don't pay then shame on you!!!!

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By *Kgirl80Woman
over a year ago

South Coast

I have an amicable agreement with my son'a dad. We consulted the CSA to get a rough idea of how much he should pay. I was horrified

I couldn't believe that his hard work and large salary meant a child cost any more to raise. We sat down and calculated how much our son costs to 'run' each month and we pay half each (less than half what the CSA advised)

Anything extra, such as equipment for school, holidays etc.. We split equally.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My hubby pays £200 a month straight from his wages to the csa even though we have not seen his daughter for over 6yrs.

His ex wife stopped all contact even though we have a court order saying we should see his daughter every week.

We don't have any problem paying this as it is his child & it's not her fault they split up.

Hopefully when she is old enough to she will visit us as he misses her terribly.

It's a pity more errant parents don't feel they should pay for their kids.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We did it our of court but that's only because my sons father knew i knew all his secrets and didn't want to risk it. It's been 11 years and i STILL have to text him every payday and remind him to transfer the money. However i would rather a weekly reminder text than the hassle of the court system. I think it's just something you have to work out yourself. Everyone's situation is different and no-one knows the relationship you have but you. I wish anyone here the best of luck in this situation. It takes time to work out but hopefully eeveryone gets what they want.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

id like to throw my 2p worth in if i may

i split with the ex and went to court for full custody and we arranged to keep the CSA out at the start . Needless to say she never made a payment to me so had no choice to use the CSA so for people in my situation that is our only course of action.

him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In my eyes no amount of money will cover not seeing your children . I pay £180 a week to cover mortgage and maintenance . This was done outside the csa .

Even though I can see my children whenever I like its never enough . I have them every other weekend ( Friday night -sun night ) and if I'm working local I'll have them over in the week so I can take them to school .

Ex is happy for me to pop in and see my kids whenever .

My children are my world an I would never see them without . Call me stupid , but when I see their mum with a new radley bag or trips to London for the weekend , I still cough up more to help with school trips / uniform / days out .

Prime example - extra £150 paid to help with her holiday to Spain . There's me looking at caravans somewhere because I can't afford anything else .

Why do I do it ????? They are my babies .

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks all for sharing your experiences, it's good to hear from others how they have sorted things out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks all for sharing your experiences, it's good to hear from others how they have sorted things out.

Spousal maintenance - especially where one of the parties is caring for children - is not uncommon. Was your query intended to cover that subject as well?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Thanks all for sharing your experiences, it's good to hear from others how they have sorted things out.

Spousal maintenance - especially where one of the parties is caring for children - is not uncommon. Was your query intended to cover that subject as well?"

No - but I know it has happened historically. I would never expect that & have always worked. So I fund myself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a daughter to my ex parner she is 14 now and I havnt seen her since she was 2,i havnt paid any maintenance for her in that time either as I was told by ex she didn't want anything from me. I set up a Bank Account in my daughters name and have set up trust funds too for when she hits certain ages in her life.When or if she ever decides to come find her Dad,hopefully I can give her the start in life I always wanted too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks all for sharing your experiences, it's good to hear from others how they have sorted things out.

Spousal maintenance - especially where one of the parties is caring for children - is not uncommon. Was your query intended to cover that subject as well?

No - but I know it has happened historically. I would never expect that & have always worked. So I fund myself. "

It is not a historic thing. It is quite common within divorce proceedings.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"id like to throw my 2p worth in if i may

him"

I hope they actually managed to help you. They just caused me stress with no money at the end of it.

Got so fed up with them getting it all wrong and assuming it was me they were chasing not my two ex's.

Him.

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By *-4pleasureCouple
over a year ago

Belfast

That's a poor excuse for a man

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I could name two poor excuses for women.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I have a daughter to my ex parner she is 14 now and I havnt seen her since she was 2,i havnt paid any maintenance for her in that time either as I was told by ex she didn't want anything from me. I set up a Bank Account in my daughters name and have set up trust funds too for when she hits certain ages in her life.When or if she ever decides to come find her Dad,hopefully I can give her the start in life I always wanted too

I hope you get the chance to meet her in the future.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I could name two poor excuses for women. "

Yep it's not all down to one sex - just in the middle of all the battling - an awful lot of parents forget that there are children at the centre of it . They did not ask to be born & should be well cared & provided for.

I don't believe in scoring points off the other parent, screwing them into the floor money wise. I do believe though in fairness & in putting children's needs first.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Many couples when they split and have children - either agree amicably what the non resident parent will pay or it's agreed via court order/ family arbitration service.

I would give my kids the shirt from my back but as a non resident parent there has to be some kind of equity. My ex(resident parent) is living of my maibtenace and every other benefit under the sun. I am working but due to excessive payments have now to give up my home as i can no longer afford the bills. Does the Child Maintenance ppl care? Not one iota! And guess what because i am working i am entitled to nothing. Seems so unfair to me. My only refuge is at least my kids are sorted and have a roof over their heads!! Love them so much and am proud to be their dad at any cost.

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

Same thing happened to me and my daughter. That was 20 years ago. Boy has he lost out big time.

And now his wife has divorced him and her kids don't want anything to do with him.

What goes around, comes around.

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