FabSwingers.com forum: Seasoned Forumites: Urgent Medical Advice

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I know from previous forum threads that there are some people here with very sensible advice for people with medical worries so I was hoping that I could draw on the collective wisdom.

I am visiting my lovely (and voluptuous and adventurous, but that is enough of that) FB and she mentioned that she had a terrible headache. Well, naturally, having tried a couple of paracetamol and finding herself feeling no better, she wished to be able to perform.

I have just found her in the garage and it is a sad sight to behold. I think she tried a self-lobotomy using her dad's old electric saw. Looking at her in more detail, I can only assume that she tried to get at the offending area with the Black And Decker but she has not made a great job of it.

Now, I have tried the obvious. I do recall the basics from my St. John's course but scooping it all back in has not worked (so far, but I am still trying).

It is a sensitive situation as I do not really want people to know that I am here and the GP is shut for the evening now.

Does anyone have some advice please?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *riskynriskyCouple
over a year ago

Essex.

Expanding foam is great for filling hollow areas....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know from previous forum threads that there are some people here with very sensible advice for people with medical worries so I was hoping that I could draw on the collective wisdom.

Now, I have tried the obvious. I do recall the basics from my St. John's course but scooping it all back in has not worked (so far, but I am still trying).

It is a sensitive situation as I do not really want people to know that I am here and the GP is shut for the evening now.

Does anyone have some advice please?"

Wipe down everything you have touched, find a phonebox that isn't in range of cctv and call an ambulance?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

superglue to join the bits together

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Expanding foam is great for filling hollow areas...."

I will have a root around and see if I can find any. Is Duck Tape any good? I can see some of that but it is covered in sawdust.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Any duck tape in the garage?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Put a storm trooper helmet on her and that will hold all the bits in. Then call for an ambulance. When the hospital staff take it off, it's their fault it all spills out and if one slips on it and hurts themselves, then they are in a good place to be seen to.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

Scoop it all and apply a balaclava

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

I had to read it twice to see the wind up... at first I thought it was serious

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

an extra hole for you, what you complaining about?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

Next time it happens recommend a Black & Decker workbench. Prevents hand slippage.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I have offered her aspirin but I can't seem to be able to get her to swallow (which will be a problem for later, surely). She just seems to gibber about East Enders and the Moldovian world cup squad. It is really not like her. I am beginning to get concerned.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I asked my sociopathic personality what to do as he's quite used to strange situations like this...he says she has no chance and recommends wiping everything down with bleach and then once the unfortunate FB has expired, use the tools to section her up then place in a wheelie bin and leave outside Chopsy's house for the bin men to dispose of (this also means Chopsy gets a replacement bin so it's a win-win situation for you both)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *a-ra-ra-boom-de-ayCouple
over a year ago

Wish it was the Algarve! Aberdeenshire

With all this advice, no one has told you to put gloves on! Its a messy business and all that mush might ruin your nails! x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

You could always make soldiers and have a dunk

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"With all this advice, no one has told you to put gloves on! Its a messy business and all that mush might ruin your nails! x

Thank you. I wish I had thought of that earlier before I got all that grey squishy stuff under my nails. I know that you forumites are doing your best to help but sometimes you just do not have the right answers at the right time.

To bring you up to date, she has expired a couple of times but her dad's spare car battery and jump leads seems to have done the job. And she has stopped that awful gibbering. Well, I say that, but she was never a great singer and now its the lyrics to the Birdy Song sung to the tune of Fernando. Maybe I should stop the reviving business?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

Seriously, theres No need to worry fella,,!!

brains, ladies, errr ladies don t need brains

they've got men,

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

"Seriously, theres No need to worry fella,,!!

brains, ladies, errr ladies don t need brains

they've got men,

Errr yeah we are soooo lucky

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.

Mr F West

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.

Mr F West "

Oh, and thanks for the private message. I have tried the NHS Helpline and the lady was very helpful. Unfortunately, the conditions I described were not on their database so she could only suggest that I put her to bed and call the GP in the morning. Would that be best? I think I will open a bottle of wine and consider my options.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *a KatWoman
over a year ago

Northwest

I suggest you start writing. A black comedy murder mystery, it could be a best seller.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago

Bristol

Call Tina. She has an emergency zombie apocalypse plan that may be adaptable to other brain oozing scenarios. Failing that, fashion a wig out of a broom or mop (every garage should have one and/or t'other) to cover the damage and get her to the X Factor auditions quick sharpish.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.

Mr F West

Ahh - now I know you're making this up, anyone knows that the default setting of NHS(re)Direct is to call an ambulance!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I really don't know what to do. I am truly distraught. I was so looking forward to getting a blow job. Does anyone fancy a fuck? Not in the garage, obviously, and I may clean my fingernails. And change my shirt.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ranthamThroatMan
over a year ago

Grantham.

"With all this advice, no one has told you to put gloves on! Its a messy business and all that mush might ruin your nails! x

Oooo Necro meets elctro, how kinky!

Hope she enjoyed all the fun too!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.

Mr F West

Is the lady in questoin an Actress per chance, evidently its quite common for Actoooooors to corpse

If shes drooling and gibbering you could probably get her a crawl on part in Eastenders

Gimp

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.

Mr F West

Is the lady in questoin an Actress per chance, evidently its quite common for Actoooooors to corpse

If shes drooling and gibbering you could probably get her a crawl on part in Eastenders

Gimp "

Maybe I was wrong to seek proficient advice here after all? There does not seem to be much to go on here. I suppose I could try the GP in the morning and then the Eastenders Line afterwards but that does not really help ME does it? Have some bloody sympathy.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Go through her purse and get sown the pub to pull a replacement and get pissed, by morning the rigor mortice will have worn off so you can remove the jewelry.

Mr F West

Is the lady in questoin an Actress per chance, evidently its quite common for Actoooooors to corpse

If shes drooling and gibbering you could probably get her a crawl on part in Eastenders

Gimp

Heyyy dont get shirty i was gonna cut a deal 60/40 and i become her agent, braindead i could get her on stenders corrie towie an runner up on the Xfactor, next month biggish brother...the worlds your oyestercard

Gimp

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I really don't know what to do. I am truly distraught. I was so looking forward to getting a blow job. Does anyone fancy a fuck? Not in the garage, obviously, and I may clean my fingernails. And change my shirt."

Is there an industrial vacuum cleaner there?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do what you feel is right but remember....evry hole is a goal

Good luck son.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Is there an industrial vacuum cleaner there? "

Just a car vac. I suppose I could at least clean up. It is a bit of a mess. I don't think her dad has cleaned this garage for years.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is there an industrial vacuum cleaner there?

Just a car vac. I suppose I could at least clean up. It is a bit of a mess. I don't think her dad has cleaned this garage for years."

Was referring to your BJ problem, - a car vacuum hardly hits the spot.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Is there an industrial vacuum cleaner there?

Just a car vac. I suppose I could at least clean up. It is a bit of a mess. I don't think her dad has cleaned this garage for years.

Was referring to your BJ problem, - a car vacuum hardly hits the spot."

Oh, good point. The NHS Line was not of much help there either. Sometimes I really do wonder what we pay our taxes for.

Do you think it would be OK if I popped out for a while. I fancy some chips and curry sauce.

I guess she will still be here when I come back. I suppose that at least is an advantage of the current situation.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is there an industrial vacuum cleaner there?

Just a car vac. I suppose I could at least clean up. It is a bit of a mess. I don't think her dad has cleaned this garage for years.

Was referring to your BJ problem, - a car vacuum hardly hits the spot."

Wanna bet

Did i say that out loud

Gimp

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

After all, I decided against the curry sauce. It seemed somehow, erm, disrespectful.

Anyone fancy a fuck?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is this the first time a lady has lost her head over you?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Is this the first time a lady has lost her head over you? "

No, of course not. I have a patio, you know.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

Admit it.

This wasn't self inflicted.

You simply fucked her brains out.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Admit it.

This wasn't self inflicted.

You simply fucked her brains out.

I do so appreciate these sensitive comments that are so helping my difficult situation. I shall be leaving this site. I will, you know.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

WTF are you doing letting a sheep loose with a Black and Decker ?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Will car body filler do the trick, you can even shape her head into a more aerodynamic profile.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *horltzMan
over a year ago

heysham

Baby wipes , for the jigsaw blade , then simply return it into the case and put away , job done

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Put a storm trooper helmet on her and that will hold all the bits in. Then call for an ambulance. When the hospital staff take it off, it's their fault it all spills out and if one slips on it and hurts themselves, then they are in a good place to be seen to. "

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"WTF are you doing letting a sheep loose with a Black and Decker ?"

While I am sitting here back in the garage watching my dear FB twitching and oozing, can I just ask you all - you know, just to pass the time - what you think of benefit scroungers? And whether you like BBC's. And whether there is a low or high proportion of BBWs on here? And your definition of BBW? And my profile? See, I have been on here for ages and all my mails get deleted. That is just darned rude.

It would help pass the time while I watch her brain twitch and, bizarrely, sort of creep across the garage floor.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have offered her aspirin but I can't seem to be able to get her to swallow (which will be a problem for later, surely). She just seems to gibber about East Enders and the Moldovian world cup squad. It is really not like her. I am beginning to get concerned."

Now, just to help with diagnosis - is the gibbering about East Enders and the Moldovian world cup squad, an increase or a decrease in her levels of intelligence or perception?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Now, just to help with diagnosis - is the gibbering about East Enders and the Moldovian world cup squad, an increase or a decrease in her levels of intelligence or perception?

It is strange what comes out of a dirty mind.

Maybe I should do the vacuuming after all.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I had to read it twice to see the wind up... at first I thought it was serious

This has made me laugh as your first reply was to use superglue. Your first reply was serious then.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago

Retirement Village

It's thread like this that make me laugh

So OP are you going to claim you shagged her brains out then

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

WD40, my dad the brain surgeon swears by it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Treat offending headaches with multiple types of pain killers, as they act in different ways - eg, ibuprofen plus paracetanol and possibly others, inc codeine. Allergies and any interactions with current medication need to be taken into consideration. If she has hay fever, consider adding an anti histamine. Ensure she is thoroughly hydrated with plenty of fluids. If it is like a migraine, she may benefit from reducing light levels, plus I would get her to a restful area. Plenty of relaxation. Check her temperature and cool her if she has had too much heat. Chemists may be open 24 hours if you need advice or supplies.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Treat offending headaches with multiple types of pain killers, as they act in different ways - eg, ibuprofen plus paracetanol and possibly others, inc codeine. Allergies and any interactions with current medication need to be taken into consideration. If she has hay fever, consider adding an anti histamine. Ensure she is thoroughly hydrated with plenty of fluids. If it is like a migraine, she may benefit from reducing light levels, plus I would get her to a restful area. Plenty of relaxation. Check her temperature and cool her if she has had too much heat. Chemists may be open 24 hours if you need advice or supplies. "

Will that lead to the OP getting a bj?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Clingfilm copes well with stuff that is oozing, and you can always staple on something a bit thicker for strength. Nails or tacks work if no staples. Liquidisers could produce a nutritious supplement drink if you get weak.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Clingfilm copes well with stuff that is oozing, and you can always staple on something a bit thicker for strength. Nails or tacks work if no staples. Liquidisers could produce a nutritious supplement drink if you get weak. "

At last, some sensible and helpful advice. I'll pop into B and Q this evening.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No More Nails works a treat. It can also be used to hang pictures and fit skirting boards, so if all else fails you could, perhaps, use he as a wall orniment....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

A certain famous artist may also be looking for more props now that awful bed is being sold. She may split any profit?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm still alive

But still a little groggy

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm still alive

But still a little groggy

And that is only thanks to the No Nails from B and Q. But she is really not quite back to her old self.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread