FabSwingers.com forum: Distraught

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My best mates wife has just died , I'm in bits so is he what can I say to help he has a daughter as wee

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

Don't tell him you know how he feels unless you've been in the same situation.

Nothing you say will help at the moment so just be prepared to listen and don't be surprised if you hear the same things over and over as he comes to terms with it.

Don't avoid him because you don't know what to say.

Otherwise, the most use you can be is to offer practical help. The aftermath of a death requires far more paperwork and organisation than I ever realised.

He may need someone to watch his child so he can do various things, like go and ID the body or whatever. He may need someone to visit the funeral home with him for support. He may need help with paperwork, phone calls, visiting solicitors... He'll have a lot to do over the next few months and it'll be tough on him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just be there for him and dnt ever shy away

He will remember the anniversary each year and that is totally moral support.yes dnt ever say you know how you feel bad move. Theres lots to d

And friendship will be a test

Be the shoulder to cry upon and let him cry its good too.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

Oh, one more thing, he needs to grieve (as do you) in his own time, in his own way.

Don't try to jolly him out if it because it's an essential process. Reassure him that however he grieves is right for him. Everyone reacts differently and he may worry he isn't doing it "right" or that he shouldn't be thinking or feeling like he is.

The same goes for you.

Grief has several stages and he (and you) will be back and forth between them for a while. You may miss some completely and repeat others. Take it as it comes and encourage him to seek help and support as he needs it. He may need to see his GP for some things. Encourage him to tell you what he needs. It's vital to work through the grief as he (and you) needs to.

Finding a support group might help; it might not. It's an individual thing.

There are also bereavement organisations that can provide advice and support.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good answers

Were giving you support no

As it you who need it also to be strong for him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why put the same topic on twice in another forum. Is this real or are you gaining sympathy for a meet. ?

Im sorry to be harsh

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Yeah it's real , wasn't sure which to put in

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Why put the same topic on twice in another forum. Is this real or are you gaining sympathy for a meet. ?

Im sorry to be harsh"
thanks for the advice x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh i see now

Well you are indeed attracting the ladies. Not me though i have my man.

Well chin up young lad and mean as you go along

Just a tip when you friend does the burying, suggest a donation to a charity instead of flowers, such a waste,when you cnt smell or see them.just let his child carry a small flower that her mummy liked. And place on coffin.

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

At a time like this many people will avoid talking to him because they don't know what to say. This is hurtful and adds to loss.

If you don't know what to say then tell him that. But also tell him that you can and will be there for him at any time and that you will always listen even when you don't know what to say in reply - just being there will mean far more than any words. And then make sure that you are there. Pop round and help out with practical stuff, if the house looks a bit run down run the vac around, when you make a cup of tea check that there is food in the fridge and if it's low then nip to the supermarket, check that laundry is happening and put a wash on or peg it out - all this is especially helpful if there are children in the house.

Offer to help him open and reply to condolence cards and to help deal with the funeral directors, the registry office and any announcements in local papers.

Sustaining the little details of normal life and also all the things specific to death can be especially difficult at a time like this, practical help from someone who doesn't make a fuss and simply gets on with it will be a relief and mean far more than any fancy speech.

Good luck.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"Oh i see now

Well you are indeed attracting the ladies. Not me though i have my man.

Well chin up young lad and mean as you go along

Attracting women?

He asked for advice. I have recent experience of this so I gave it. That I am female us irrelevant.

Not every post asking for advice is to attract attention. Sometimes it's actually to get advice

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

We have done that a giving page raised a grand so far x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well done

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Just left them and I'm gutted just needed a bit of advice x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And he answered me

Ive more than enough experience on this Subject infact over 40 years. I was that little child and i know. I would never speak on a topic i know no nothing abouv.Oh why do this threads turn into a slanging match or are you jealous im leaving messages as well.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"And he answered me

Huh?

There's no slagging match here. I see him being unjustly accused of just wanting to attract female attention, which is unnecessary given the nature of the thread.

Nobody has slagged you, suggested you have no experience or that you shouldn't comment. Nobody has disagreed with your advice even.

Jealous? Just huh?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Replied in Private OP as can not believe some of the comments on tbis thread. May she rest easy in the arms of Angels.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Be there for him, and not just in the immediate days from now. It is one hell of a shock to our system, so if you can help support him in any way, practically and emotionally, then it will ease some burden from his shoulders. Grief is overwhelming, it is not just flatlined and will come and go, so a better day can be followed by total crap. Tell him that you want to be his rock and work a plan out and then just take one step and day at a time.

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By *awty MaxWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Sorry to notice that this is another thread turning sour!

OP don't change your behaviour towards him and don't avoid him because you don't know what to say. It's not about words. Just being there to support and be prepared to listen will do, am sure.

Big hugs x

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Do your best for your friend. Be prepared for him to not be his usual self. All you can do is be there for him, help out and then when the time is right, help him over the grief.

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By *o new WinksMan
over a year ago

BSE

And dont be afraid to cry. My best mate is now an orphan and I have been there for all his loses. I say 'his' but, as we have been friends for 35yrs, they were my loses too.

We hugged each other and let our emotions out. Sometimes I was worse than him. Either way we got through it.

Not sure how I would handle it if we lost his wife though. She is my sister in all but name.....but I imagine it would be the same except I would be keaving my job and helping with the kids.

Just keep on being there and being you. Thats why you are best friends after all.

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By *hortieWoman
over a year ago

Northampton

very very sad

excellent advice given here already, so no need for me to repeat most of it....

you could also offer to help phone the coroner, (if needed), to confirm cause of death and find out when they release the green slip so funeral proceedings can be arranged.

also it is possible your friend will completely lose his appetite, so make sure he is well and his daughter is trying to eat.

thank you for being there for them, this is the hardest time full of confusion, shock and loss for anyone to go through

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

So sorry for your loss...just be there for him. Time is a great healer however you all need to grieve..it might be an idea to seek advice regarding children and grief as I'm sure they react differently to adults....I'm sorry for your loss..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So sorry for your loss

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By *ezebelWoman
over a year ago

North of The Wall - youll need your vest

"Yeah it's real , wasn't sure which to put in "

Dont worry, I removed the other thread.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just be there for your mate, when and if needed. Sorry for your loss

S&G

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By *o new WinksMan
over a year ago

BSE

Also, once the dust settles, somewhere like mumsnet will be fantastic support and an information resource second to none.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you all, today is another day and we just have to move on al had a sleep n good cry again x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When my partner died no one knew what to say to me . So they avoided me . Except one friend who basically moved in with me she saved me as I begged to die as well . Always be there for him don't just text .. Go there . Physically . And he has a child so help with the child . Children are a lot of work . X

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