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Any1 got jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Any 1 got any good jokes i can tell to people?

I cant think of any ,,so i would be pleased if u could pass on any u ve heard of etc?

I know wot u gonna say ---Im a joke! lol lol Thank u! 4 that,,lol

Anyhing will do-

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

try google, you'll be amazed at what comes up

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"try google, you'll be amazed at what comes up "

hahahaha ,,,funny! nice1

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Sum1 sent me this one ---u gotta laugh at it--

I went to a legless woman's party last night, not a lot of dancing going on but it was crawling with pussy.....

pmsl

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

I watched intently as the other woman delicately slid her fingers into my girlfriends pussy. Naturally I decided to have a wank .....Midwives eh? No sense of humour!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I watched intently as the other woman delicately slid her fingers into my girlfriends pussy. Naturally I decided to have a wank .....Midwives eh? No sense of humour! "

Bloody briliant that one!! funny!

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple
over a year ago

Bolton

What's brown and sticky?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What's brown and sticky?"

dunno?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple
over a year ago

Bolton


"What's brown and sticky?

dunno? "

A stick! Z

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?" "

ROFLMAO-------Fantastic!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What's brown and sticky?

dunno?

A stick! Z"

lol hahahahahaha good 1

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple
over a year ago

Bolton

Right - back outside in the sun for me! Bye all and play nice!!!! Z xxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Right - back outside in the sun for me! Bye all and play nice!!!! Z xxx"

Yeah will do thanks hunny x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My girlfriends got eczema.....she's got crackin tits

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Ive got loads of jokes,they're rude tasteless and very un pc

I think ill keep them to myself for today

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By *aucy3Couple
over a year ago

glasgow

how many sophisticated australians,does it take to change a light bulb..............both of them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"My girlfriends got eczema.....she's got crackin tits "

Fantastic fantastic mate!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Ive got loads of jokes,they're rude tasteless and very un pc

I think ill keep them to myself for today"

ok np

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By *aucy3Couple
over a year ago

glasgow


"Ive got loads of jokes,they're rude tasteless and very un pc

I think ill keep them to myself for today"

share.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"how many sophisticated australians,does it take to change a light bulb..............both of them. "

Top one! hehehe

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By *uss PussWoman
over a year ago

east cheshire


"Ive got loads of jokes,they're rude tasteless and very un pc

I think ill keep them to myself for today"

Awww go on spill.....gives them something to moan about

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Ive got loads of jokes,they're rude tasteless and very un pc

I think ill keep them to myself for today

share. "

yea 2rite!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Ive got loads of jokes,they're rude tasteless and very un pc

I think ill keep them to myself for today

Awww go on spill.....gives them something to moan about"

no lol

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By *uss PussWoman
over a year ago

east cheshire


"Ive got loads of jokes,they're rude tasteless and very un pc

I think ill keep them to myself for today

Awww go on spill.....gives them something to moan about

no lol "

yes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife asked me why we don't make love like they do in films so I bent her over, fucked her up the arse and came over her face.

Turns out we don't watch the same films.

What do you call a Chinese PE teacher with one leg?

Won Jim Shu.

Archaeologists hae discovered a book in the vaults of Dublin castle which has been missing since the mid 1700's. It's called "Irish dancing part 2, what to do with your arms"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy walked into the doctors surgery early one Monday morning complaining of the worst back pain. . . ever!!!

"And what were you up to that brought this on?" said the doc

"Well, I was having sex doggy fashion for the whole of the weekend." replied Paddy.

"Could you not have tried it face to face?" the doctor asked.

"I tried that" said Paddy, "But the dog kept lickin' me face !!!!!"

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By *obletonMan
over a year ago

A Home Among The Woodland Creatures

A Jazz Piano Bar is advertising for a new pianist.

In walks this bloke who walks straight up to one of the Waiters and says “Oy, cock sucker! Where’s the fucking Manager?”

The Waiter says “Easy tiger! Do you mind? This is a respectable family restaurant…”

“Tit-wank” says the man, “Tell the Manager I’ve come about the fucking job, arse wipe…”

“Bloody hell fire!” thinks the waiter. And off he goes to wash his ears out with soap and get the Manager.

“Can I help you?” asks the Manager.

“Yeah arse breath. I’ve come about the fucking job. Where’s the Motherfucker at?”

“By that I assume you mean the piano?” asks the Manager. “Walk this way -and you’d better be good sunshine…”

“Fuck you and fuck your mother” says the man.

“Right, well we’ll see about that. Sit down, keep your mouth shut – and play…”

The man sits down as instructed and proceeds to play one of the most beautiful pieces of music the Manager has ever heard. It leaves him absolutely speechless with his mouth agape. “Wow!” says the Manager. “That was just beautiful. What was it called?”

“One of my own compositions as it goes: “As I went to fuck you up the arse that night, my how the moonlight refracted off your hairy ring piece”

“Christ on a bike!” exclaims the Manager. “Do you play anything else?”

“Course I do. Shit head. Cop a load of this…”

And with that, the Man begins to play once again an absolutely breathtakingly beautiful piece of music – and this time in an entirely different Musical genre.

“Wow” says the Manager. “Not sure I dare ask, but what was that one called?”

“Another one of me own: “I wanted to fuck you over the Washing Machine but me bollocks kept getting snagged in the soap dish…”

“For God’s sake man!” says the Manager. “Right! Listen up – here’s the deal: You can have the job but on my terms and my terms only. I’m not having you say one fucking word to my customers. You keep your mouth shut you here? In fact – sod it – I’m not taking any chances. I’m taping it shut mate.

You play two straight sets of an hour each and you take your breaks out the back. And if I so much as hear a squeak out of you that’s not meant to be one that your piano’s making, you’re out of it mate – out on your ear – fired – that’s ya lot…”

Anyway for a few weeks this arrangement works out fine for all concerned. The piano player is there, twice-nightly straining at his taped up mouth, but playing the best music the Jazz Joint has ever known. And the punters are flooding in – everyone’s happy.

But on a last fateful evening, as our hero is nearing the end of his first set, a staggeringly beautiful woman – the most beautiful, blue-eyed blonde the piano player has ever clapped eyes on – sits opposite him in crutchless panties – and she seductively parts her legs whilst lasciviously sucking on asparagus shoots with the butter dripping all down her chin.

This is all just too much for our pianist. Straining at his taped-up mouth he takes himself off pronto to the Gents – to wank himself silly in a vain attempt to get the images I’ve just described off of his mind.

Within moments our man is missed and the Manager is going doo-lally demanding to know where his piano player is.

Our hero is forced to return sharpish, far sooner than strictly convenient. He’s barely had the chance to shoot his bolt and he’s back – in a disheveled and unbuttoned state at his piano.

With that, the beautiful blonde siren gets up, saunters over to the piano player, leans down & whispers in his ear:

“Excuse me. Did you know your cock and balls are hanging out of your trousers and you’ve got hot spunk dripping down all over your shoes?”

The piano player rips the tape off his mouth and says “Know it? I fuckin’ WROTE IT!”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a nun goes to confessional and tells the priest "i m pregnant" how could this happen he says"i think it must be the second coming"the priest shocked then asks "what makes you think it was the 2nd coming"she replies "because i swallowed the first".

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Just toom many to comment on but i just wanna say :

Thank you to all the brilliant jokes so far!! they are really really really bloody fantastic!! nice1!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"a nun goes to confessional and tells the priest "i m pregnant" how could this happen he says"i think it must be the second coming"the priest shocked then asks "what makes you think it was the 2nd coming"she replies "because i swallowed the first"."

Good 1 !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Counter Terrorist Threat Levels...

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Counter Terrorist Threat Levels...

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

"

------Good 1 there sexy! i guess very true in some places lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a man has been found battered to death in glasgow;fucking jocks theyll deep fry anything!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"a man has been found battered to death in glasgow;fucking jocks theyll deep fry anything!"

pmsl mao

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By *aucy3Couple
over a year ago

glasgow


"Counter Terrorist Threat Levels...

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

"

ha ha ha friggin belter.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Counter Terrorist Threat Levels...

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

ha ha ha friggin belter."

Geoff capes?? lol (that advert) lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears

when youre worried no one sees your pain

when youre happy no one sees your smile

but just try masturbating on a bus and see how much attention you get!

P.S.

CAN you pick me up from the police station in half an hour?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Fucking brilliant !!! i love it i love it!! awesome!!! love it!!

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Paddy is in a police line up for rape

The victim comes in to point out her attacker but before she can do anything Paddy jumps forward and shouts "thats her the miserable cow"

if that offends anyone ill take it off

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Paddy is in a police line up for rape

The victim comes in to point out her attacker but before she can do anything Paddy jumps forward and shouts "thats her the miserable cow"

if that offends anyone ill take it off"

yea take it off! lol no! its fabulous! lol lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I told my Paul that I wanted a rape alarm ....

Early next morning he grabbed my hair and roughly pushed my face into the pillow while taking me from behind ... when he had finished he put his mouth to my ear and whispered ...

It's time to get up love

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I told my Paul that I wanted a rape alarm ....

Early next morning he grabbed my hair and roughly pushed my face into the pillow while taking me from behind ... when he had finished he put his mouth to my ear and whispered ...

It's time to get up love "

BOB on!! top notch!!

hahahahahaa

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A man laughing his head off--

hahhahahaha GA zump!

lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I asked the misses if she want to play the rape game, she said "no" so I replied, "that's the spirit love"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I asked the misses if she want to play the rape game, she said "no" so I replied, "that's the spirit love""

hahahahha hahaha

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By *eppersCouple
over a year ago

telford

Fuckin hell, that rapist was good findin 3 white girls in bradford can't have been easy.

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By *eppersCouple
over a year ago

telford

Fergies just got her birthday present from the queen............. A black mercedes and a trip to paris OUCH !!!

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By *eppersCouple
over a year ago

telford

NEWS flash...... Bertie bassett has been arrested in a public toilet in london, A police source say's he's been upto alsorts .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A Jazz Piano Bar is advertising for a new pianist.

In walks this bloke who walks straight up to one of the Waiters and says “Oy, cock sucker! Where’s the fucking Manager?”

The Waiter says “Easy tiger! Do you mind? This is a respectable family restaurant…”

“Tit-wank” says the man, “Tell the Manager I’ve come about the fucking job, arse wipe…”

“Bloody hell fire!” thinks the waiter. And off he goes to wash his ears out with soap and get the Manager.

“Can I help you?” asks the Manager.

“Yeah arse breath. I’ve come about the fucking job. Where’s the Motherfucker at?”

“By that I assume you mean the piano?” asks the Manager. “Walk this way -and you’d better be good sunshine…”

“Fuck you and fuck your mother” says the man.

“Right, well we’ll see about that. Sit down, keep your mouth shut – and play…”

The man sits down as instructed and proceeds to play one of the most beautiful pieces of music the Manager has ever heard. It leaves him absolutely speechless with his mouth agape. “Wow!” says the Manager. “That was just beautiful. What was it called?”

“One of my own compositions as it goes: “As I went to fuck you up the arse that night, my how the moonlight refracted off your hairy ring piece”

“Christ on a bike!” exclaims the Manager. “Do you play anything else?”

“Course I do. Shit head. Cop a load of this…”

And with that, the Man begins to play once again an absolutely breathtakingly beautiful piece of music – and this time in an entirely different Musical genre.

“Wow” says the Manager. “Not sure I dare ask, but what was that one called?”

“Another one of me own: “I wanted to fuck you over the Washing Machine but me bollocks kept getting snagged in the soap dish…”

“For God’s sake man!” says the Manager. “Right! Listen up – here’s the deal: You can have the job but on my terms and my terms only. I’m not having you say one fucking word to my customers. You keep your mouth shut you here? In fact – sod it – I’m not taking any chances. I’m taping it shut mate.

You play two straight sets of an hour each and you take your breaks out the back. And if I so much as hear a squeak out of you that’s not meant to be one that your piano’s making, you’re out of it mate – out on your ear – fired – that’s ya lot…”

Anyway for a few weeks this arrangement works out fine for all concerned. The piano player is there, twice-nightly straining at his taped up mouth, but playing the best music the Jazz Joint has ever known. And the punters are flooding in – everyone’s happy.

But on a last fateful evening, as our hero is nearing the end of his first set, a staggeringly beautiful woman – the most beautiful, blue-eyed blonde the piano player has ever clapped eyes on – sits opposite him in crutchless panties – and she seductively parts her legs whilst lasciviously sucking on asparagus shoots with the butter dripping all down her chin.

This is all just too much for our pianist. Straining at his taped-up mouth he takes himself off pronto to the Gents – to wank himself silly in a vain attempt to get the images I’ve just described off of his mind.

Within moments our man is missed and the Manager is going doo-lally demanding to know where his piano player is.

Our hero is forced to return sharpish, far sooner than strictly convenient. He’s barely had the chance to shoot his bolt and he’s back – in a disheveled and unbuttoned state at his piano.

With that, the beautiful blonde siren gets up, saunters over to the piano player, leans down & whispers in his ear:

“Excuse me. Did you know your cock and balls are hanging out of your trousers and you’ve got hot spunk dripping down all over your shoes?”

The piano player rips the tape off his mouth and says “Know it? I fuckin’ WROTE IT!”"

i love it...just dont know how im going to be able to share it!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"A Jazz Piano Bar is advertising for a new pianist.

In walks this bloke who walks straight up to one of the Waiters and says “Oy, cock sucker! Where’s the fucking Manager?”

The Waiter says “Easy tiger! Do you mind? This is a respectable family restaurant…”

“Tit-wank” says the man, “Tell the Manager I’ve come about the fucking job, arse wipe…”

“Bloody hell fire!” thinks the waiter. And off he goes to wash his ears out with soap and get the Manager.

“Can I help you?” asks the Manager.

“Yeah arse breath. I’ve come about the fucking job. Where’s the Motherfucker at?”

“By that I assume you mean the piano?” asks the Manager. “Walk this way -and you’d better be good sunshine…”

“Fuck you and fuck your mother” says the man.

“Right, well we’ll see about that. Sit down, keep your mouth shut – and play…”

The man sits down as instructed and proceeds to play one of the most beautiful pieces of music the Manager has ever heard. It leaves him absolutely speechless with his mouth agape. “Wow!” says the Manager. “That was just beautiful. What was it called?”

“One of my own compositions as it goes: “As I went to fuck you up the arse that night, my how the moonlight refracted off your hairy ring piece”

“Christ on a bike!” exclaims the Manager. “Do you play anything else?”

“Course I do. Shit head. Cop a load of this…”

And with that, the Man begins to play once again an absolutely breathtakingly beautiful piece of music – and this time in an entirely different Musical genre.

“Wow” says the Manager. “Not sure I dare ask, but what was that one called?”

“Another one of me own: “I wanted to fuck you over the Washing Machine but me bollocks kept getting snagged in the soap dish…”

“For God’s sake man!” says the Manager. “Right! Listen up – here’s the deal: You can have the job but on my terms and my terms only. I’m not having you say one fucking word to my customers. You keep your mouth shut you here? In fact – sod it – I’m not taking any chances. I’m taping it shut mate.

You play two straight sets of an hour each and you take your breaks out the back. And if I so much as hear a squeak out of you that’s not meant to be one that your piano’s making, you’re out of it mate – out on your ear – fired – that’s ya lot…”

Anyway for a few weeks this arrangement works out fine for all concerned. The piano player is there, twice-nightly straining at his taped up mouth, but playing the best music the Jazz Joint has ever known. And the punters are flooding in – everyone’s happy.

But on a last fateful evening, as our hero is nearing the end of his first set, a staggeringly beautiful woman – the most beautiful, blue-eyed blonde the piano player has ever clapped eyes on – sits opposite him in crutchless panties – and she seductively parts her legs whilst lasciviously sucking on asparagus shoots with the butter dripping all down her chin.

This is all just too much for our pianist. Straining at his taped-up mouth he takes himself off pronto to the Gents – to wank himself silly in a vain attempt to get the images I’ve just described off of his mind.

Within moments our man is missed and the Manager is going doo-lally demanding to know where his piano player is.

Our hero is forced to return sharpish, far sooner than strictly convenient. He’s barely had the chance to shoot his bolt and he’s back – in a disheveled and unbuttoned state at his piano.

With that, the beautiful blonde siren gets up, saunters over to the piano player, leans down & whispers in his ear:

“Excuse me. Did you know your cock and balls are hanging out of your trousers and you’ve got hot spunk dripping down all over your shoes?”

The piano player rips the tape off his mouth and says “Know it? I fuckin’ WROTE IT!”

i love it...just dont know how im going to be able to share it! "

I LOVE IT WHEN A PLAN COMES TOGETHER! LOL

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Any 1 got any good jokes i can tell to people?

I cant think of any ,,so i would be pleased if u could pass on any u ve heard of etc?

I know wot u gonna say ---Im a joke! lol lol Thank u! 4 that,,lol

The government is worried that there are too many blokes with small penis`s so in an attempt at surveying the problem they have asked all men with a penis size of 3"s or less to display a white flag with a red cross on it on their cars!!!

Anyhing will do- "

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

OK, since there's some non-PC stuff on here....

Jeremy Beadle had a small cock.

But on the other hand it was pretty big.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"OK, since there's some non-PC stuff on here....

Jeremy Beadle had a small cock.

But on the other hand it was pretty big."

Oooooo thats not nice at all,,,,Jeremey beadle was a good man!

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

Fair enough, try this...

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Fair enough, try this...

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

OUCH!

"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Fair enough, try this...

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

"

SHOCKING!

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Women runs into police station and shouts "Help, i've been graped by dockers"

Policeman says "Don't you mean raped madam?"

"NO, there was a bunch of em?"

It gets worse :

Policeman then says "But how do you know they were dockers madam?"

"Cos, i had to do all the work" she says.

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By *ouvakMan
over a year ago

clacton on sea

scientist's in America have successfully combined the gene's of an onion and a rooster.

it's been reported that women the world over, are over joyed, as it's the first time they have had a cock the brings tears to their eyes

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford


"scientist's in America have successfully combined the gene's of an onion and a rooster.

it's been reported that women the world over, are over joyed, as it's the first time they have had a cock the brings tears to their eyes "

you mean i'm now redundant?

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

I bought a Casio Keyboard the other day. I think it's broke though, as every time I switch it on it just plays Wagner......

I think it might be a Nazi Synthesizer

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

Q. What have a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. Both have a black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

A bloke sees a gorgeous woman in the supermarket, she's giving him the eye, so he says "Do I know you?"

The girl says "Are you the father of one of my kids?"

He thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful and says "were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery and shoved that massive cucumber up my arse?"

"No I'm your daughter's teacher"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?

Because his pecker is on his head!

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

what do you call the coolest guy in Hospital?

the ultra sound guy.

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank, do you think?

a. You need more time together

b. She's a prude

c. She should have sat somewhere else on the bus.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

.

.

.

.

.

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!"

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

Bloke walks into the doctor's and says 'Doc I keep thinking I'm a moth'. 'You need to speak to the resident psychiatrist' says the doc 'he's two doors along the corridor'. 'Yeah I know that' says the fella 'but your light was on'.

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

Why doesn't Michael Jackson like jelly babies?

Because he's dead

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

Two birds sat on a perch.....one says to the other..

'can you smell fish'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why dont blind men skydive?

Because it scares the shit out of the dog

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman walking down the road notices a man coming towards her with his zip undone.

"Excuse me" she says, "you're garage door is open".

Smiling, the man says "can you see my jaguar?"

"No" she replies, "just a mini with two flat tyres!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Two birds sat on a perch.....one says to the other..

'can you smell fish' "

Step away from the pc...go on, you know what I'm saying makes sense. You know you've been hanging around Notts too much it's affecting your mind!

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

Hey, that was waaaayyyyy above Notts' level.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?

She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

How can you tell when a politician is lying?

Their lips move...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hey, that was waaaayyyyy above Notts' level."

Sadly (for you) not by much lol!

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Im not normally suspicious but the wife told me that Gavin from auto glass had been round and injected his special resin into her crack

I would'nt mind but she has'nt even got a car

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Im not normally suspicious but the wife told me that Gavin from auto glass had been round and injected his special resin into her crack

I would'nt mind but she has'nt even got a car"

PMSL!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

did you hear about the man with no legs in london?

he was arrested for arson!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

one,men will screw anything.

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

How many cultured Australians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Either of them....

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By *aucy3Couple
over a year ago

glasgow

one day,a long time ago,in a land far away.there lived a woman,who did not nag,whine,or bitch.but it was just one day,and a fucking,long time ago!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why did the woman cross the road?

never mind that what was she doing out of the kitchen?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

to stop the snoring before it starts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

breasts do not have eyes.

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By *aucy3Couple
over a year ago

glasgow


"why did the woman cross the road?

never mind that what was she doing out of the kitchen?"

a woman says to her husband.i want a watch for my birthday.he says,you dont need a watch,theres a clock on the cooker.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

do you know why pubic hairs curly?

because if it was straight it would poke your eyes out!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"why did the woman cross the road?

never mind that what was she doing out of the kitchen?

a woman says to her husband.i want a watch for my birthday.he says,you dont need a watch,theres a clock on the cooker. "

whats the best way to get a woman to do something ?

suggest shes too old for it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

whats the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it?

the wrinkles.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what are the measurements of the perfect wife?

82-20-45

thats 82 year old.£20 million in the bank,and a 45degree fever.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is everynight?

a widow.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"why did the woman cross the road?

never mind that what was she doing out of the kitchen?

a woman says to her husband.i want a watch for my birthday.he says,you dont need a watch,theres a clock on the cooker.

whats the best way to get a woman to do something ?

suggest shes too old for it

"

I likes that one lol xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

duran duran have done a new song for the world cup.

his name is rio and hes sitting in the stands.

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

A woman walking down the road notices a man coming towards her with his zip undone.

"Excuse me" she says, "you're dick is sticking out"

The man replies " it's hanging out madam, don't flatter yourself"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A woman walking down the road notices a man coming towards her with his zip undone.

"Excuse me" she says, "you're dick is sticking out"

The man replies " it's hanging out madam, don't flatter yourself""

xx

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Heard about the angry gay cowboy?

He rode into town and shot up the sheriff.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Young Bloke pulls an older woman at a night club. She`s 61 but looks good for her age. On the way back to her house he thinks to himself mmmm I bet her daughter is hot. When out of the blue she asks him if he would like a sportsmans double. Whats that? he asks, Its a mother and daughter 3 some she says. Wow yes please he says. So as they go thro` front door, she puts hall light on and shouts.......

Mum are you still awake!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jen's friend Debbie complains shes got a sore throat. Jen says when I've got a sore throat I give my husband a blow job and it makes it better. Next day Debbie comes in singing. Jen says, how did it go? Brilliant, says Debbie, but your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A little boy asked his mother:

"Mummy, why are you white and I am black?", his mother replies "Don’t even ask me that, when I think about that night you're lucky you don’t bark!"

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

Little Maisie came home from school and stood by her mother. Her mother asked "did you have a good time at school honey?"

The little girl said she did but also said that today, her friend David got his willie out! Her mother was shocked as Maisie stated again with "and it's just like a peanut mum!"

A little flustered, her mother, not knowing what to say asked, "Because it is so small?" No, said Maisie, cos it was salty!

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Hahahahaha

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By *ertnbeckyCouple
over a year ago

oldham

[Removed by poster at 08/06/10 07:24:45]

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By *ertnbeckyCouple
over a year ago

oldham

whats the difference between an oral and a rectul thermometer?

`

`

`

the taste

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the chicken cross the road?

According to FIFA........It didn`t!

---------------------------------------

Wife with PMT......

"Oi do you want anything to eat?

Husband.... "What choices are there?"

Wife...... "YES OR FUCKIN NO!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I walked up to a random ginger guy the other day and I asked him, "If you had 6 girls phone numbers in one trouser pocket and 7 girls phone numbers in the other trouser pocket, what would you have?"

The ginger guy paused for a minute, grinned and said, "I'd have 13 girls phone numbers"

"Wrong!" I said. "You'd have somebody elses trousers on you ginger fucker"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The FA

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"The FA

"

Yes the FA is a joke!

typical business stuff

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

Dear Mr Moat

It has come to my notice that John Terry has been shagging your missus while you were in prison.

yours sincerely

Wayne Bridge

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By *prite128Woman
over a year ago

maidstone

[Removed by poster at 07/07/10 20:21:24]

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By *prite128Woman
over a year ago

maidstone

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for 10 pints of Guinness, 10 pints of Carlsberg, 10 pints of Carling and 10 vodka shots. He downs one after another until he is finnished. He then walks off into the darkest corner of the bar and starts crying like a little girl.. The bar man looking confused walks over to the guy and asks "whats up with you ?" The man replies " I had my first blowjob today " The bar man looking even more confused says " why are you crying you should be over the moon " The man still crying says " I can't get the taste out of my mouth "

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull


"What's brown and sticky?"

anal sex

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

one,men will screw anything."

How man women does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

One, she just holds the bulb and the whole fucking world revolves around her!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Fair enough, try this...

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

"

Statistically, 6 our of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

...and statistically, 2 out of 1 schizophrenics are curable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

how do you keep an idiot in suspense???

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

will tell ya later , heheh

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

How do you confuse an idiot?

Unzip the giraffe without the magnet.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Statistically, 6 our of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

"

lol xx

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