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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Gerrard: "Liverpool is a magical place."

Probably explains why so much stuff disappears there...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Motivational speaker at this years Darby & Joan Club ( jeez, remember them?) Annual Dinner.

"Can anyone give me an

advantage of being over 70?"

Harold puts his hand up "Yeah, your secrets are safe with your friends, they can't remember them either"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

this politician david camara asked another guy rick pleb to be joint p.m. .a........ha ha ha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lawyer : Are you married?

Woman : No, I'm divorced.

Lawyer : And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

Woman : A lot of things I didn't know about.

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Say what you like about the scousers, but they are indirectly responsible for one of the greatest motoring inventions of all time

Locking wheel nuts

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By *amslam1000Man
over a year ago

willenhall

What do you call a Scotish north american indian?

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Hawkeye the new

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Over the past week, I've burgled ten houses in Liverpool.

It feels great to get my stuff back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?"

"There is," he replied. "I'd like some breakfast."

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

A dad sees his son swatting a honeybee. He says, "For that, no honey for a month. The next day, he sees his son killing a butterfly. He says, "For that no butter for a month." The next day, he sees his wife kill a cockroach. The son says, "Dad you want to tell her or should I ?.

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

I was lying next to my girlfriend in bed last night and whispered," did you know that sex can cure headaches? She looked at me and said," so can fucking paracetamol and they last for hours

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up.

"Darling, you've been by my side when I was in that car crash, you were there when I lost my job, you were present when my parents died, and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account.....and you know what?

Wife: What?

Man: I think you're bad luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had to call 999 today and told them "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are now only two minutes apart!"

The Responder asked "Is this her first child?"

"No, you fr*gg*ng idiot, i'm her husband!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I took the girlfriend out last night , only took 1 punch

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