FabSwingers.com forum: Building Bridges

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Although im gonna hate every single moment of it.. todays the day i start to introduce my daughter to her 'dad'

She wont know who he is.. will just be a friend to start with.

I feel nervous and sick.. i feel resentment and hate.. yet i know its the right thing to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One step at a time. x

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

Why have you decided not to introduce him as her dad from the start?

Not criticising, just curious.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"One step at a time. x"

Not told my family as didnt fancy an ear bashing..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm a father and while I think it's important in most cases for fathers to be in their children's lives, I do believe there are exceptions

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Why have you decided not to introduce him as her dad from the start?

Not criticising, just curious. "

For the past 4 years he showed no interest.. he met her for the 1st and last time when she was around 6 month old.

He is with someone with 4 children (one his own) and she has suggested we try again.

Im not introducing him as 'dad' incase its not sucessfull.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

Wow, that is a big step!

Don't be pushed into things too quickly, take time to digest what is happening. Answer any questions she has honestlybbut not with the resentment and anger.

My sisters oldest doesn't have the same dad as his sister although they both call the same man dad. A couple of years ago my nephew started asking questions about his real dad and he wanted to contact him. My sister found this hard because he left vher when she was 5 months pregnant and has never been interested in his son. However, she knew this was something my nephew had to do so she contacted the guy on Facebook first telling him what was going to happen and how she wanted it to go. No back biting about each other, no empty promises etc. She the let my nephew write his own message to him. She typed it but it was his own words. His dad replied very nicely, answered all is questions and told him a bit about his life.

So far that seems to have satisfied my nerpgews curiosity. He hasn't wanted to write back to him but the door is open if he wants to.

Sometimes as adults we need to let children investigate situations on their own, be there to support tyhedm and comfort them if things go wrong but not influence them because of our past with people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Men get away with far to much! My ex is better with daughter now but didn't really bother for 8 years! His parents were great! She's an adult now, her relationship with her dad is good but it's frustrating he missed out on the early stuff! Good luck hun! Don't blame you taking it slow!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you should tell your daughter he is her dad, confusing at first but best.

The resentment thing will die until you feel nothing, I always painted the smile on for my daughter.

My answers from him were always " you will do a better job"

My daughter is almost 15 and seeing things for herself, I have never run him down in front of her, answered questions with the truth, and sat on the wall.

Give him a chance if he ruins it, let her see in her own way, they normally do.

Her

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Im gonna be perfectly polite.. think it helps his gf will be there. We spoke on the phone, she knows how i feel as the dad to her 3 eldest isnt interested in them anymore.

We are basically just meeting up in a park.. little steps.

Told him if he attempts to call himself 'dad' we will leave. Im not happy for that at this stage

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

"Im gonna be perfectly polite.. think it helps his gf will be there. We spoke on the phone, she knows how i feel as the dad to her 3 eldest isnt interested in them anymore.

We are basically just meeting up in a park.. little steps.

Told him if he attempts to call himself 'dad' we will leave. Im not happy for that at this stage "

I think it is good that the gf is involved as well so there were no feelings of being left out etc

Just make sure both are as on board as each other and line isn't pushing because of her own issues with her ex

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Im gonna be perfectly polite.. think it helps his gf will be there. We spoke on the phone, she knows how i feel as the dad to her 3 eldest isnt interested in them anymore.

We are basically just meeting up in a park.. little steps.

Told him if he attempts to call himself 'dad' we will leave. Im not happy for that at this stage

I think it is good that the gf is involved as well so there were no feelings of being left out etc

Just make sure both are as on board as each other and line isn't pushing because of her own issues with her ex"

Believe he has changed from the guy i knew and for the better. He's a 1yr old son with her and from what i can gather adores her children too

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By *ensual temptressWoman
over a year ago

Southampton

So great to see people putting behind their own personal feelings and doing what's best for their child . I hope it goes well and won'tbe a one off .What ever happens you have given him an opportunity to start proving himself , now down to him.You can hold your head high you are doing what's right for your child .

I wish you both all the very best x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks,,

Im selfish in the sense i dont want to share her with anyone else, but my gut tells me it needs to be done.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck,I hope it leads to her having a decent relationship with him eventually,but I understand why you feel so emotional about it too x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope it all goes well!

I think you're going about it in the right way

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Will it not possibly confuse your child more only to be told he's the dad on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or more time he see's his child ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think your doing the right thing giving it a chance hope it works out for her.

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By *al2001Man
over a year ago

kildare

Good luck.can only imagine the resentment u feel for him.

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By *oudnproudWoman
over a year ago

penrith

Wow, huge huge steps.

but understand why yout doing it...

good luck and let us know how it all goes xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Will it not possibly confuse your child more only to be told he's the dad on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or more time he see's his child ?"

id rather her experience confusion than heartbreak

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Will it not possibly confuse your child more only to be told he's the dad on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or more time he see's his child ?"

Not if it's explained properly.

In the past, this guy's been completely unreliable as a dad. If he lets her down again, at least she won't feel rejected by her 'dad', cute is just protecting her daughter, I for one would do exactly the same!

The little one will be no more confused finding out when he's proved himself than she would be now, that's down to the 'father'.

I think you're doing the right thing Hun!

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By *atchMan
over a year ago

reigate

Can only wish you the best of luck on this, think is the right thing to do.

Think as things move along she will also know (and when older) be grateful she has a half brother, my mum discovered she had a half sister when she was in her 40's and they are best of friends, shame they missed so much time. Best wishes hope it works out for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Best of luck cute and lil ninja xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck. Hope it all works out well.

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By *issHottieBottieWoman
over a year ago

Kent

I think you are doing this the way I would too.

A friend of mine has a 12 year old. The dad has had nothing to do with her ever. She was officially adopted by my friends hubby and he gave permission. She walks past him in the street not knowing who he is. Until 2 years ago when he contacted her mum and says he wants to get to know his daughter etc.

So my friend sat the girl down, had a chat with her about everything and arranged a time to meet him. He didn't turn up. She was heart broken.

So yep, I think you're doing a good thing. Hope it goes well x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think a parent not wanting to know their children and be a major part of their lives are the lowest of the low.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are absolutely doing the right thing for your child have no doubt about that. I didn't have a relationship with my dad until my early 30s due to my mum still being hurt by there relationship. Growing up there was not a day go by that I didn't think about who my dad was, but felt it would upset my mother too much to ask.

I often felt like only half a person as I didn't know who else I belonged to, got certain traits from etc

Putting your feelings and opinions of each other to one side for the sake of your child is, to me, one of the most admirable and important things you can do.

Hope all goes well xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck to you both. Your little one has a fantastic mum x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A very difficult and emotional situation Cute but hopefully it will work out, good luck to you x

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By *ichaelangelaCouple
over a year ago

notts

yes, very best of luck, hope it goes well.

now i will sneak out disappointed as i thought it was a thread about civil engineering

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think a parent not wanting to know their children and be a major part of their lives are the lowest of the low."

i dont because men arent the same as women and they may have different reasons why they arent interested.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think a parent not wanting to know their children and be a major part of their lives are the lowest of the low.

i dont because men arent the same as women and they may have different reasons why they arent interested."

You're saying there's any justification for ANY parent to not be responsible and be involved in their child's life?

Some of us may never be lucky enough to have children, and desperately want children one day. ANYONE who doesn't do absolutely everything they can for their children and put their needs above everything else, does not deserve to be a.parent!

There is NO justification for being a shit/non existent parent, male or female!

In my opinion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Although im gonna hate every single moment of it.. todays the day i start to introduce my daughter to her 'dad'

She wont know who he is.. will just be a friend to start with.

I feel nervous and sick.. i feel resentment and hate.. yet i know its the right thing to do. "

just be proud that you have the strength and compassion to do this. If he messes up then you've more than done your bit x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck Cute. I think you're doing it the right way just introducing him as a friend to start with.

Whatever happens you are your daughter's anchor and always will be.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Although im gonna hate every single moment of it.. todays the day i start to introduce my daughter to her 'dad'

She wont know who he is.. will just be a friend to start with.

I feel nervous and sick.. i feel resentment and hate.. yet i know its the right thing to do. "
You are wishing to do the best for your daughter and if things go well and in years to come she get on with both she will be a lucky girl .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 08/05/14 11:28:37]

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By *issHottieBottieWoman
over a year ago

Kent

Sometimes you just know who said something without having to scrol back and check!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think a parent not wanting to know their children and be a major part of their lives are the lowest of the low."

"i dont because men arent the same as women and they may have different reasons why they arent interested."

wow, I really honestly cannot believe you said that

to give any form of justification for someone abandoning their child is quite amazing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think a parent not wanting to know their children and be a major part of their lives are the lowest of the low.

i dont because men arent the same as women and they may have different reasons why they arent interested.

wow, I really honestly cannot believe you said that

to give any form of justification for someone abandoning their child is quite amazing

Not really. He may think he's so crap he's better off not messing with the child's head and never getting to know her. He may think it's for the best, no-one knows.

As someone else said, it's good for parents to know their kids..... but there are exceptions......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck Cute, it sounds promising. Hugs to you and A.

Perhaps you and his new gf can be the friendly link in it all. She knows what it's like in that situation, and also what he's like now.

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By *radleyandRavenCouple
over a year ago

Herts

It's a shame that it's taken the girlfriend convincing him for him to make a move but at least it's a start.

Good on you for being so civil and I fully agree with the way you've decided to go about it. At least if he then decides not to be involved, your daughter won't feel as much about it. x

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By *radleyandRavenCouple
over a year ago

Herts

"I think a parent not wanting to know their children and be a major part of their lives are the lowest of the low.

i dont because men arent the same as women and they may have different reasons why they arent interested."

*Evaporates*.

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By *atchMan
over a year ago

reigate

My ex wife ran off with a bloke from her work ( before swinging).

She tried to cut me off from my kids ( guilt I guess) I kept in touch with them and even got youngest daughter a mobile so I could call her ha bit of a mistake as she was 14 and could not believe the bills.

Was worth it in the end though as get on so well with them now, glad I kept in touch with them and am there to look after them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good luck Cute, hope it all works out for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

good luck cute hunny,personally think you've gone about it in the best way possible

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Well i survived it.. my daughter had a good time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Well i survived it.. my daughter had a good time.

Happy days

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Well i survived it.. my daughter had a good time.

I'm glad it went ok for you and your daughter cute xx

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