FabSwingers.com forum: Advice: Dealing with an alcoholic mate

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Not the kind of serious thread i would normally start but here goes......

Has anyone dealt with someone close to you who's an alcoholic?. I have a problem with a good mate of nearly 20 years who is slowly wasting his life away looking at the bottom of a vodka bottle.

I don't want to go into great detail about his life but trying to talk to him about his problems is a waste of time as he's far to d*unk to take in whats being said and he can get abusive if you try to talk some sense into him. Its got to the stage now that he is being nasty and abusive to all his mates, myself included and others around him and i have had enough. Until he realises he has a problem only he himself can deal with it.

Now i have decided that i need to tell him to not contact me until he gets himself fixed out but a wee bit of me is saying i should stick in and try and get him sorted out but i feel as if i'm at a lost cause.

Has anyone experienced anyone with alcoholism and how did you deal with it?

He's a good mate and its sad to see how he is deteriorating rapidly due to alcohol.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sadly, until someone admits they have a problem, or ask for help, there’s not much you can do about it apart from be there for them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

aww bud i feel for you. 2 close family members where alcoholics but they couldnt see it, they didnt think it was a problem and effect it was havin on them and the rest of us and until they could admiit it , there was nothin we said or did would convince them to seek help xx

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By *andJ2227Couple
over a year ago

Swadlincote

I found myself in exactly the same situation a few weeks ago except it was my Mum and not a friend.

I was going through alot myself and needed her support, up until then it had always been me supporting her.

I eventually told her it was the drink or her family and thankfully it was the shock she needed to pull herself together.

10 weeks later and support groups each week she is completely dry and hasnt touched a drop.

Sometimes it takes a close friend/family member to give them the shock they need to sort themselves out.

It wont be easy for you or him but very worth it. L x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sadly, until someone admits they have a problem, or ask for help, there’s not much you can do about it apart from be there for them."

I'm at the end of my tether with him. Every time we go out as a group he always ruins the night. Last night i was disgusted with his behaviour and he was a disgrace.

Its when he is in our company and becomes an arse others around us think we're a bad crowd when infact all we want is enjoyment and laughter and not bad feelings.

Right now i want to tell him to not contact me till i think fit.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sadly, until someone admits they have a problem, or ask for help, there’s not much you can do about it apart from be there for them.

I'm at the end of my tether with him. Every time we go out as a group he always ruins the night. Last night i was disgusted with his behaviour and he was a disgrace.

Its when he is in our company and becomes an arse others around us think we're a bad crowd when infact all we want is enjoyment and laughter and not bad feelings.

Right now i want to tell him to not contact me till i think fit.

Well the threat of not wanting any more contact might actually give him the jolt needed, which helps him see he has a problem, however you should also be prepared to lose a friend, as 9 times out of 10 they will carry on a downward spiral.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It hard to deal with but does he have an underlying problem that he does not want to face. This could be the reason for drinking to blot it out.

Shock and despooration will sort him out, if no one gives him a shoulder to cry on. You could tape him and show it to him when sober if he is at any time and say this is not the person I want as a friend.

I come from the other side of the coin so if you want any help get in touch and I will help you deal with it.

But the person is the only real one that can help himself no matter how hard another person tries, it dont work till they reach rock bottom.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was married to an alcoholic, the son of alcoholics.

He was a different man when d*unk, got so used to it I knew when 'the turn' was going to happen...four pints were his limit, then he turned into an abusive arsehole.

Sober he was the man I loved and my best friend so I had no problem talking to him about it. As said above, they need to want to help themselves and he didn't.

I left him, I had no choice. He didn't want to be helped and staying with me wasn't helping any, he felt bad for the way he treated me when d*unk and it made him drink more.

You have to walk away I think.

As long as he has friends and family to support him he will see no need to change. When he's at his lowest that's when he will decide. Though unfortunately not everyone decides to give up.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Is he an alcoholic (someone who is dependant on alcohol to funtion everyday life) or is he a loud mouthed pisshead because there is a lot of difference and if its the later then simply stop inviting him out with you on nights until he learns to control his alcohol intake

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

BTW thanks to everyone who has responded so far and for the PM's.

This situation has scunnered me and i just don't have the energy right now to reply wholeheartedly but when i feel positive and bright again i will take on board your offers of advice and help if and when needed.

The video clip option is a good idea. I may try that and see if shock tactics can shake him up.

I never thought i would say this but its quiet emotional for me to see a good buddy going down the path to alcoholism

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Through experience again being the daughter of an ex alcholic.....untill THEY admit and realise THEY have a problem like others have said then sadly then drinking continues.....some people have to hit rock bottom to see it for themselves. Its fecking hard to watch and causes a lot of devistation along the way......giving up on him isnt an option, stick in there.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Is he an alcoholic (someone who is dependant on alcohol to funtion everyday life) or is he a loud mouthed pisshead because there is a lot of difference and if its the later then simply stop inviting him out with you on nights until he learns to control his alcohol intake"

He is an alcoholic.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Through experience again being the daughter of an ex alcholic.....untill THEY admit and realise THEY have a problem like others have said then sadly then drinking continues.....some people have to hit rock bottom to see it for themselves. Its fecking hard to watch and causes a lot of devistation along the way......giving up on him isnt an option, stick in there."

The amount of times i have had to step in and stop him from getting a doing has become more and more frequent. I am not a fighter and infact never been in a fight in my life but one of those days his attitude to others is going to cause a problem. I don't need that.

All i want is a quiet simple life hassle free.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All i want is a quiet simple life hassle free."

step back....let him hit rock bottom hun....

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

i have never had to deal first hand with someone who is dependant on alcohol at any level but i know friends who have lost relatives who have and it is a tough issue to deal with

will you leaving him to it send him down further as he see there is no pint of trying cos everyone leaves him, or will it be the kick in the arse he needs to see that the drink is pushing everyone he cares for away?

you will never know but the most important thing to remember is the only one that can help your friend is your friend. you have your own life and your own issues to deal with and at the end of the day that is more important

i truely hope you are able to find your way through this x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

To all that have PM'd me please do not be offended that i have not replied to your message, infact i haven't replied to any as it would take me a while.

I appreciate your kind words and offers of advice and support and as i said earlier if needed i will contact you privately.

A wonderful caring spirit we have on Fab and its satisfying to know there are still some nice genuine people out there.

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

been there..... and like the rest have said, sometimes a person has the hit "rock bottom" before they realise they have a problem... so if they are in denial then there is not really much you can do...

once they realise they have a problem you can support them 100%

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't desert him ....

If he loses his friends he will devote all his time to the one thing that is always there for him.

Its easier said than done but can you keep him busy with non drink related things?

Good luck but please don't cut him off.

Big burden but

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Don't desert him ....

If he loses his friends he will devote all his time to the one thing that is always there for him.

Its easier said than done but can you keep him busy with non drink related things?

Good luck but please don't cut him off.

Big burden but "

We play football......he turned up about 6 times and then decided he had sore ankles.

We do hill walking........he doesn't want to do it because he has sore knees.

We play golf.......he doesn't want to to it because he can't hit the ball properly.

Where is he whilst we all keep ourselves active.....drinking.

I could go on but you can see were i'm coming from here......an alcoholic always has an answer to avoid things interfering with their drinking times.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Don't desert him ....

If he loses his friends he will devote all his time to the one thing that is always there for him.

Its easier said than done but can you keep him busy with non drink related things?

Good luck but please don't cut him off.

Big burden but

We play football......he turned up about 6 times and then decided he had sore ankles.

We do hill walking........he doesn't want to do it because he has sore knees.

We play golf.......he doesn't want to to it because he can't hit the ball properly.

Where is he whilst we all keep ourselves active.....drinking.

I could go on but you can see were i'm coming from here......an alcoholic always has an answer to avoid things interfering with their drinking times."

What do YOU think you can do for him at this moment in time without draining yourself completely?

Sadly, the choice lies with him of whether to waste away or to make a change and while a lot has to do with his motivation to make a change and the support he receives from friends and family, ultimately alcoholism falls under the category of addictive illness, in want of a better word.

Pam Stevenson wrote about Billy Connolly, when he was going through the worst patch of his alcoholic days...

"Detach with love" and by that she meant not to judge, criticise or abandon the person but to be there for them within the limits of your own boundaries.

I would suggest if I may that you think about how much time and effort you can give him without compromising your own emotional health, your life style etc, and then offer that.

You have already made a start in that direction - I wish you best of luck, not an easy situation for you .x

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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago

near kings lynn

Just sending a hug and a tissue for the times when you just need to cry.

I have no help to offer for you as have no experience, so just sending you my thoughts and hope in some time we will see this thread change to he is doing well and now getting there x

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By *ngieandMrManCouple
over a year ago

hereford

I won’t clutter up this post with experience-based stories of people (relatives) who have suffered or are suffering alcohol issues.

I would suggest you get in touch with Alcoholics Anonymous and or your own GP. They will know what questions to ask you about him and so offer you their best advice so you can help him. They will also be able to advise you how to look after yourself should you get more involved.

Best wishes to you,

Helen & Dave

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sadly, until someone admits they have a problem, or ask for help, there’s not much you can do about it apart from be there for them."

That's advice, but not the best I heard. My ex-husband's first wife died on the eve of her birthday a couple of months ago, never asked for help, was a witch, don't stop her kids wishing it could've been different!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Won't delete, will re-phrase, yes be there but if you see their stomach or ankles bloating, then you take control, whether they want it or not! They'll tell you over and over they're not an alcoholic and anyway they have issues ...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Won't delete, will re-phrase, yes be there but if you see their stomach or ankles bloating, then you take control, whether they want it or not! They'll tell you over and over they're not an alcoholic and anyway they have issues ...

Thats exactly what my mate does, always has an answer to justify his drinking.

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By *ebzStarWoman
over a year ago

Notting

Unfortunately some people yu can't help. My best mate lost his partner to drink. We all tried talking to him. And when sober he was a lovely bloke. But there were very few times he was sober. He would have 6 cans of Stella for breakfast. Then go to the pub. My mate found him dead in bed. It was only after he died that we found lots of vodka bottles hidden all around the house. His problem was alot worse than we all suspected. All because he got laid off. What a waste of his life and my poor mate is still suffering because of it. Yu need professional help yrself to help yu deal with this hun. Yu can't do it on yr own. Good luck x x x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My kids dad is an alcoholic, he tried once to give it up but failed miserably. My son seems to be heading that way unfortunately, and he talks about guys down the pub that are there every night, one guy has finally got stopped for drink driving and lost his business for it. My son works in a garage, there is a business close by where the owner drinks everyday during the day and drives too

My brothers best friend was found dead from alcoholism at 25, 2 of my sons friends have died from it; one got knocked over and the other froze to death.

I am not trying to scare you there, but really there is nothing you can do, only they can do something and they have to see that they have a problem. You could choose to be there for him but he will drag you down and make your life miserable. When my ex and I split, it was though very scary as he wasnt the nicest person to me, it was the best thing that could have happened, he lives in a bedsit above a pub, i am buying my own home. You have to consider yourself and your sanity, he isnt going to care about you really, is he? As hard as it is, it is best to let go.

Tell him when he's sober, if he wont listen, you and your friends need to distance yourselves from him.

Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Don't desert him ....

If he loses his friends he will devote all his time to the one thing that is always there for him.

Its easier said than done but can you keep him busy with non drink related things?

Good luck but please don't cut him off.

Big burden but

We play football......he turned up about 6 times and then decided he had sore ankles.

We do hill walking........he doesn't want to do it because he has sore knees.

We play golf.......he doesn't want to to it because he can't hit the ball properly.

Where is he whilst we all keep ourselves active.....drinking.

I could go on but you can see were i'm coming from here......an alcoholic always has an answer to avoid things interfering with their drinking times."

Absolutely and got money got to drink, plus they think they are the life and soul of the party and a party isnt one without them, sadly they are the ones that spoil it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

yes unfortunately we have.....a very friend of ours was an alcoholic, in teh beginning wasnt really a problem, but he became very abusive both to his wife and then to me on occasions. came to the point he would turn up to events d*unk at any time of the day, so we had to stop inviting them. she supported him throughout...... but alas during a weekend that she was away he was d*unk yet again and fell down the stairs and passed away.was a terrible waste and so sad as he didnt see he had a problem xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dad was a alcoholic, me and my sister spent most of our child hood being shipped around family members who could have us that month, we had nothing, he sold everything we owned for drink, even when he was told his children would be put into care if he didnt get help he still carried on drinking, you cant help someone like that unless they want help, the biggest problem is getting them to admit they have a problem, then once they do getting them to realise they need help, my dad knew he was a alcoholic the thing is he didnt care, drink ment more to him than us and he'd sooner loose his family than pack up drinking, because not everyone wants help and his habbit killed him in the end,

Not a very helpful story i know lol i suppose my point is you cant help someone like that they have to help themselves, and if they are not willing to you may as well give up, i actually have very little sympathy for alcoholics, maybe because of my experiences as a child, its rather hurtful to know that your own dad would sooner put you in care than give up drinking, but at the end of the day its self eflicted, and they have the choice of wether they want to get help or not, if they refuse it leave them to it

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