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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did sally fall off the swing, she had no arms...

Knock knock...who's there? Not sally!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Irish man, a talking horse and a parrot walk into a pub,

The barman says "Is this some sort of joke?"

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Little boy crying in Tescos.

Shop manager 'You lost'?.

Boy says 'yes'

shop manager What's your mummy like?'

Boy says 'big cocks and vodka'

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

A burglar broke into a young couples home and tied both of them up face down on the bed......he lay beside the wife and began whispering in her ear and then went into the bathroom.

While alone the husband said to his wife. Let him have his way love and we will live. Be strong and remember i love you.

She said youve got it wrong. He whispered in my ear hes gay and he thinks your cute and asked where we kept the vaseline....... Be strong my love i love you too

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it.he turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast.He says,"oh,I'm so sorry.If your heart is as soft as your breast,I hope you will be able to forgive me".She looks at him a few secounds and says,"thats ok,if your cock is as hard as your elbow,I'm in room 204

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between your wages and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your wages.

*puts on tin hat*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Accidentally pooped my pants in a lift, I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

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By *r Mahogany70Man
over a year ago

Leicester


"After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts." "

My neighbours must be wondering why I'm laughing so loudly

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

A man comes home from work to see his wife sliding down the bannister .... What are you doing he asks .... I'm heating your dinner !

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By *achnrandyCouple
over a year ago

Ascot

A women goes into hospital to have her flaps reduced, when she wakes up from the operation there are three roses on her pillow. She timidly asks the doctor, "who are the three roses from?" One says the doctor is from me, you were a model patient, the second, well that's from your husband, he loves you very much and the third she asked? Oh that's from Jonnie in the burns ward, he said thank you for the new ears.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm trying not to lol here as my oh would wonder what I'm doing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would love to tell a joke, but I work in retail.

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By *achnrandyCouple
over a year ago

Ascot

A man looks out of his kitchen window and sees to his surprise a gorilla up in the tree. The man gets out the yellow pages and calls up the local pest control. 20 minutes later the guy turns up from pest control and opens up the back of his van, he pulls out a ladder, a broom stick, a pair of handcuffs, a12 bore shot gun and a jack russell." How are you going to get the gorilla down?" Asks the man, "well says the fella from pest control, I'm gonna climb up the laddie, I'm gonna poke the gorilla with the broom stick, when the gorilla falls out of the tree, the jack russell is highly trained and will bite the gorillas go narcs so hard that the gorilla will immediately grab hold of his bitten privates, that's when I put the handcuffs on, job done"...... " But why the shotgun asks the fella?" Well, if I were to accidentally fall of this ladder, I want you to shoot the dog.......

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Ask a girl for an australian kiss. When she replies "what's that" u say, the same as a french kiss, but down under.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two Eskimos were sitting in a boat and got chilly so they lit a fire, the boat promptly sank, proving once And for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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By *umpleteazerWoman
over a year ago

Flintshire

A man orders Champagne in a bar. A lady next to him sees this and says, "What a coincidence, I've ordered Champagne too!"

"I'm celebrating", says the man.

"Me too, what a coincidence!"

"What are you celebrating?" asks the man.

"My husband and I have tried for years for a baby. I've just found out I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence! I'm a farmer. For years my hens were infertile. Today, they all laid eggs!"

"Wow! How did that happen?" she asks.

"I used a different cock."

The lady smiled, clinked her glass and said, "What a coincidence!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?""

This made me chuckle only 1 I've never seen before x

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

And that was all the invitation I needed.

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Manchester City are like Oscar pistorius

Lost both legs but managed 4 shots on target

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By *ime to exploreMan
over a year ago

Bideford

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise!

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By *ime to exploreMan
over a year ago

Bideford

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

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By *ottsguy44 OP   Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’” A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.” The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”

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