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Talking to a man about sex...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A female friend and I were chatting about the challenge of how you communicate to a man who isnt doing it for you in bed!

I recall during my last relationship, my boyfriend would never look at me during sex....and rarely kiss me. It was as if he would disconnect from me. Any other time he was fine. It was just during sex.

I tried to talk to him about it but unfortunately my well intended attempts...dented his male ego and instead of having an honest chat about it...we ended up not having sex at all! Disaster all round really! I confess I felt totally inadequate in my skills of communication with him as he wasnt prepared to talk.

If a similar situation arose again..I wonder how I would handle things differently. ....and if any men could advise me on the best way to talk to a man about such a delicate subject without making it worse! I loved him very much at the time and didn't want to hurt his feelings but at the same time...my feelings were hurt too....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If u find a man who listens and learns.. Hes a keeper.

U.have to.listen, I do

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydrtF45-y-g

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydrtF45-y-g

"

Thankyou for the musical interlude lol! But not really helpful lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"If u find a man who listens and learns.. Hes a keeper.

U.have to.listen, I do "

Yes...of course. The problem was....he didnt....and if I have a similar situation again I would like to arm myself with some good advice on how to manage it more successfully without making it worse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't know, I always look at my meets during sex, and prefer Missionary for this very reason, eye contact can be electrifyingly erotic at the right moments x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I wouldn't know, I always look at my meets during sex, and prefer Missionary for this very reason, eye contact can be electrifyingly erotic at the right moments x"

I love eye contact! Maybe that is why it was so difficult for me....x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

So...any tips on getting someone to look at you during sex without spending the whole time with their eyes closed???? Unless I am so crap they just want it over and done with asap!!!! Or maybe he was in pain! Oh god!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like he had issues. Don't blame yourself. It takes two to make a relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think you could get someone to make eye contact with you during sex if they didn't want to, that's the sort of thing where you'd need to have some degree of sexual chemistry with a person.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I don't think you could get someone to make eye contact with you during sex if they didn't want to, that's the sort of thing where you'd need to have some degree of sexual chemistry with a person."

Do you think so? We had such a great relationship outside of the bedroom but I did think he had some emotional scares from the past which seemed to cause intimacy problems... so he was fine until we got jiggy...then he would just 'go somewhere'......

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Sounds like he had issues. Don't blame yourself. It takes two to make a relationship. "

It does...but none of us are perfect and I would want my partner to tell me if I wasn't satisfying him or if there was something I could do better...so I always encourage a man to tell me what he likes...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sounds like he had issues. Don't blame yourself. It takes two to make a relationship.

It does...but none of us are perfect and I would want my partner to tell me if I wasn't satisfying him or if there was something I could do better...so I always encourage a man to tell me what he likes... "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sounds like he had issues. Don't blame yourself. It takes two to make a relationship.

It does...but none of us are perfect and I would want my partner to tell me if I wasn't satisfying him or if there was something I could do better...so I always encourage a man to tell me what he likes... "
personally I love eye contact during sex, makes it more exciting and personal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't think you could get someone to make eye contact with you during sex if they didn't want to, that's the sort of thing where you'd need to have some degree of sexual chemistry with a person.

Do you think so? We had such a great relationship outside of the bedroom but I did think he had some emotional scares from the past which seemed to cause intimacy problems... so he was fine until we got jiggy...then he would just 'go somewhere'......"

I think Sexybrain has a good point. If someone doesn't want to make eye contact they won't.

Be that sex, conversation or any act of intimacy.

Not a helpful reply to the thread I know, just happen to think he made a good comment

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some relationships aren't meant to be x whatever you try to fix

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I don't think you could get someone to make eye contact with you during sex if they didn't want to, that's the sort of thing where you'd need to have some degree of sexual chemistry with a person.

Do you think so? We had such a great relationship outside of the bedroom but I did think he had some emotional scares from the past which seemed to cause intimacy problems... so he was fine until we got jiggy...then he would just 'go somewhere'......

I think Sexybrain has a good point. If someone doesn't want to make eye contact they won't.

Be that sex, conversation or any act of intimacy.

Not a helpful reply to the thread I know, just happen to think he made a good comment

"

Oh I agree. ...to a point. But I think sometimes if the rest of the relationship us great then something is wrong if the person can connect with me outside the bedroom but once naked...they struggle. Oh well! I guess I will never know...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Lots of people have great relationships and love eachother dearly but their sex life is crap.

So the question for me as a woman is...how does a woman communicate to a man...that he isnt setting sparks flying in the bedroom....without knocking his confidence?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Lots of people have great relationships and love eachother dearly but their sex life is crap.

So the question for me as a woman is...how does a woman communicate to a man...that he isnt setting sparks flying in the bedroom....without knocking his confidence?"

Personally I would have a better chance of answering a question on the fall of the Roman Empire!

For me it would take a direct question!! Is everything ok with us? Do you still find me attractive? That kind of thing. Closed questions where there is a yea/no answer and then open up on how those questions are answered.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sounds like he had issues. Don't blame yourself. It takes two to make a relationship.

It does...but none of us are perfect and I would want my partner to tell me if I wasn't satisfying him or if there was something I could do better...so I always encourage a man to tell me what he likes... "

I kind of meant he possibly had issues about sex. So it would be difficult for him to talk about it. No eye contact might mean he felt sex was 'bad'. So even though you wanted to talk about it he might not be able to. Just a theory, not a diagnosis.

I reckon things like that need sorting very early on. Encouragement and approaching it in a positive way seem to work best. Men have feelings. It would be hard for a woman to hear that she might need to improve in bed. A man would take it harder. (can't think of a better way to put it! ooops)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If u find a man who listens and learns.. Hes a keeper.

U.have to.listen, I do "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats this Fascination with Women and talking

Him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Whats this Fascination with Women and talking

Him"

It's about emotional intelligence, I think. Men generally don't have a lot of it, women tend to have it in spades.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I'd want to be told straight as in 'stop, that's not doing it for me - do this...'

I don't like hints just be told. I'm not the type to get upset over gaining knowledge and expertise.

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By *wiftieeMan
over a year ago

near Glasgow

Kitten, communication is a 2-way thing and if one side of a relationship can't or won't communicate, it's not going to go too far.

Also, us guys don't do subtle, we need it spelt out to us, so in the situation you describe, subtle nuances go right over guys' heads. So it has to be the direct, even brutal route which might well lead to drama cos the guys pride, confidence etc gets knocked.

If the relationship is basically good, then further communication will sort it. If it doesn't, then things will fester and the relationship will finally break at a future date. The way of the world I'm afraid.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I encourage a woman to tell me what to do and how I can improve, turns me on pleasureing a woman so if she tells me whats she likes or what im doing wrong its a win, win situation!

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By *udistnorthantsMan
over a year ago

Desborough

If I'm doing something not quite right I'd rather be told the "Golden Shot" way (mmm Ann Aston) "Left a bit, Down a bit, Right a bit, Fire!"

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By *G LanaTV/TS
over a year ago

Gosport

Sorry but that's a difficult one. I had a similar situation with a ex who wanted me to be more vocal during sex, naturally I'm very quiet. Despite managing to have sensible, mature conversations about it, it still ended up cause problems for both egos. She felt it was a sign that I wasn't enjoying it which was miles from the truth and I felt constantly pressured to perform in a way that was unnatural for me.

I guess what I should say is if you find a clever solution please be sure to share it, we could all do with learning that one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I personally wouldn't make it a big chat kind of thing.

Just when you're having sex, direct him a little, tell him to look at you, in a sexy way then say it turns you on to look at each other etc.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think mutual gazing is one of the most erotic things a couple can do. In my view it connects two people at a deeper, soulful level. 0

On the point of communication I think it's essential. How else can we discover each others passions, desires and likes and dislikes if we don't listen and learn

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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago

In Your Bush

Eye contact is crucial. I adapted my bag especially for this.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"Eye contact is crucial. I adapted my bag especially for this. "

You romantic, you

@--'--,--

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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago

In Your Bush


"Eye contact is crucial. I adapted my bag especially for this.

You romantic, you

@--'--,--"

Ah hangman. I'll have a T please

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By *taffsfella1Man
over a year ago

Newcastle-under-Lyme

Tell him you want to see his sexy eyes during sex because they turn you on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't think you could get someone to make eye contact with you during sex if they didn't want to, that's the sort of thing where you'd need to have some degree of sexual chemistry with a person.

Do you think so? We had such a great relationship outside of the bedroom but I did think he had some emotional scares from the past which seemed to cause intimacy problems... so he was fine until we got jiggy...then he would just 'go somewhere'......"

Maybe he just couldn't fully open up? I always see eye contact, especially during sex, as being like a way of wanting to get even deeper into a person, like you want them so much, that the surface alone isn't good enough, you want this sex to be truly bonding.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

You could touch his face and whisper 'Look at me' at the appropriate moment and see how he responded to the look you gave him. If he sustained it he may simply not have known you wanted to, but if not, he may have had an issue with unguarded intimacy for some reason.

That could be Pandora's box, you could only open that when he was in the mood to talk.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"You could touch his face and whisper 'Look at me' at the appropriate moment"

Purr it and add a slight whimper at the end, that should get a mans mojo sparking

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"

Maybe he just couldn't fully open up? I always see eye contact, especially during sex, as being like a way of wanting to get even deeper into a person, like you want them so much, that the surface alone isn't good enough, you want this sex to be truly bonding."

Hmm, yes, nothing like it with someone you really do want to get deeply connected to.

A great horse trainer was asked 'Should I look him in his eye?' and he answered 'That depends what's in YOUR eye'.

Sometimes eye contact can be used in a purely erotic way by a meet rather than to communicate deep intimacy with a lover, and I think you can see which it is in the eye.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"You could touch his face and whisper 'Look at me' at the appropriate moment

Purr it and add a slight whimper at the end, that should get a mans mojo sparking "

Exactly so.......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Sometimes eye contact can be used in a purely erotic way by a meet rather than to communicate deep intimacy with a lover, and I think you can see which it is in the eye."

I used to whisper to a girl to look into my eyes as masturbated her, and she'd groan loudly just from the words alone. I remember the look of desperation in them as she approached climax, that emotional connection hugely increased the intensity of the experience for both of us.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"

I used to whisper to a girl to look into my eyes as masturbated her, and she'd groan loudly just from the words alone. I remember the look of desperation in them as she approached climax, that emotional connection hugely increased the intensity of the experience for both of us."

Hmmm, yes, there was a thread recently on 'best ever sex' and a lot of people described HOT sex with strangers. But when I cast my mind back to 'best evers' it was intense moments like that with men I loved I think.

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire


"So...any tips on getting someone to look at you during sex without spending the whole time with their eyes closed???? Unless I am so crap they just want it over and done with asap!!!! Or maybe he was in pain! Oh god! "

maybe raise the issue before sex, both relaxed etc and just say (whilst looking in his eyes) that you find eye contact so erotic and arousing when making love/having sex..

you as his partner will know if and what sort of descriptive language he may find enticing and can word it accordingly..

it may well be that he has had a bad experience with another partner which may have put him off that position, could be worth exploring..

he should connect with you given the eye contact, if he's not seeing it in your eyes then that needs looking into perhaps..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The male ego can be a pain in the bum at times. It is not nice to be told you are doing something wrong some men hate no matter what it is. Some are better at taking it that others there is no hard and fast way to talk about this.

It has happed to me with an X hurts like hell and is very disappointing. But we talk about like adults and it was sorted out. It is the only thing you can do. Start in a small way like try kissing a little more and so on. This is how My X and I sorted out our problem we charged it bit at a time till we both had something we could live with.

Lets face it if not will to even try and fix it he not worth the fix.

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire


"

Sometimes eye contact can be used in a purely erotic way by a meet rather than to communicate deep intimacy with a lover, and I think you can see which it is in the eye."

agree, the look of someone who sees 'that look' in your eyes that you want them and that you see the reciprocal desire is so arousing and erotic..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Sometimes eye contact can be used in a purely erotic way by a meet rather than to communicate deep intimacy with a lover, and I think you can see which it is in the eye.

agree, the look of someone who sees 'that look' in your eyes that you want them and that you see the reciprocal desire is so arousing and erotic.."

Been such a long time since I saw that look in a womans eyes, but again, I think even the desire to make meaningful eye contact during sex is largely based on deep sexual chemistry.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Tell him you want to see his sexy eyes during sex because they turn you on. "

Finally! A practical tip! Lol!

Thankyou!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"So...any tips on getting someone to look at you during sex without spending the whole time with their eyes closed???? Unless I am so crap they just want it over and done with asap!!!! Or maybe he was in pain! Oh god!

maybe raise the issue before sex, both relaxed etc and just say (whilst looking in his eyes) that you find eye contact so erotic and arousing when making love/having sex..

you as his partner will know if and what sort of descriptive language he may find enticing and can word it accordingly..

it may well be that he has had a bad experience with another partner which may have put him off that position, could be worth exploring..

he should connect with you given the eye contact, if he's not seeing it in your eyes then that needs looking into perhaps..

"

Thankyou x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thankyou for your contributions though a lot have said what is obvious really. I KNOW that communication and eye contact are important. ...lol....that was kind of my point! !!

The question was HOW to communicate our needs in a sensitive way so that we dont destroy someones self confidence...so thankyou to those who shared thoughts on this. Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know how you feel, one of my very close fbs asked me why I enjoyed sex looking at him then said I was being too clingy cause after sex we would normally have a cuddle then when I said fine dont have cuddles got dressed he said I was being distant! Safe to say iv not played since with him. Just find one you enjoy sex with and see if it turns out he feels the same.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you probably embarressed him trying to talk about it while you was at it.most guys egos get dented very easily.and he may have some past issues about intercourse.best to wait until your having a chat and bring the subject in gently.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd do it in the throes of passionate sex, id shout "look me in the eyes while you do that, makes me soso horny"As for kissing, hard to stop youyou kissing himhim if you're riding him.

Maybe he had to focus to cum?

If that approach failed to work after a couple of attempts itd be serious talk time.time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If he didn't realise he was upsetting you, nor did he get the hint from your body language - then, i'm afraid he would have been difficult to communicate with. If he can't tell from all that, then no matter how much you speak to him about it; it'd be like speaking to a brick wall.

...and c'mon. How can you not kiss and have no eye contact? I'd end a relationship on that basis if she didn't give me that.

Hope your okay though.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"you probably embarressed him trying to talk about it while you was at it.most guys egos get dented very easily.and he may have some past issues about intercourse.best to wait until your having a chat and bring the subject in gently."

Sorry...was that to me?? I didn't say I talked to him about it while he was at it!!!!! Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry about all the duplicate words, im not texting from an echoey cave, my phone just has it's own ideas about what it wants to type.

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By *obbyCock36Man
over a year ago

Bournemouth

oh my the male ego! if you discuss sex related things and what you'd like then he should pay attention. shame he took it personally but I don't think you did anything wrong.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't think you could get someone to make eye contact with you during sex if they didn't want to, that's the sort of thing where you'd need to have some degree of sexual chemistry with a person.

Do you think so? We had such a great relationship outside of the bedroom but I did think he had some emotional scares from the past which seemed to cause intimacy problems... so he was fine until we got jiggy...then he would just 'go somewhere'......"
Perhaps he used it as a method of "keeping the wolf from the door", so to speak. He may have even just been shy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I don't think you could get someone to make eye contact with you during sex if they didn't want to, that's the sort of thing where you'd need to have some degree of sexual chemistry with a person.

Do you think so? We had such a great relationship outside of the bedroom but I did think he had some emotional scares from the past which seemed to cause intimacy problems... so he was fine until we got jiggy...then he would just 'go somewhere'...... Perhaps he used it as a method of "keeping the wolf from the door", so to speak. He may have even just been shy."

He didnt have any problems getting it up! and we were together for 5 years so if he was still shy...no hope! Lol x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I meant avoiding eye contact as a method to delay ejaculation. Shyness does not always get better with time. Frequently it is an issue with the self (ego and id). I blame the parents, "they fuck you up, your mum and dad, they don't mean to, but they do.".

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