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moral dilemna

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By *mwstaffs OP   Man
over a year ago

brownhills

i have a dilemna that i dont know what to do about , a friend of mine told me recently that a teacher from 30 yrs ago who slept with her when she was under 16 has come back into her life , she says it was checked out by police at the time and nothing was done , but with the way that the police are looking into old cases i dont know if i should report it or not as i think it screwed up her life then and its not helping now , esp as he gets her to dress up as a school girl and call him sir , i find that so creepy

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

I personally would stay out of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I personally would stay out of it."

This

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would encourage your friend to have counselling, this will help her decide if reporting the incident again to the police is the best option. It's not your job to report, you might do more harm than good.

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By *wencatWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

I would stay out of it she a adult now leave it up to her I think she wont thank you for it and you probably loose a friend ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I would stay out of it she a adult now leave it up to her I think she wont thank you for it and you probably loose a friend ..."

this. It's up to her if she wants to report him or not and sounds like she doesn't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He may have abused his position then, but she's obviously not traumatised by it and has welcomed him back. Consenting adults now.

What may be a point though is whether he's still a practicing teacher - and if so, is he still overstepping legal boundaries? In that case...

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By *tirling DarkCouple
over a year ago

Stirling

Stay out of it. It is up to her now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stay out of it, this woman is an adult and whatever she does is up to her. You have limited facts and one side of the story, and to make a complaint will see you being inter_iewed and if it comes to nothing then you could find yourself in more trouble over this.

Ask yourself why you have issue with it, is it sour grapes etc. The decision is up to your friend

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts


"Stay out of it, this woman is an adult and whatever she does is up to her. You have limited facts and one side of the story, and to make a complaint will see you being inter_iewed and if it comes to nothing then you could find yourself in more trouble over this.

Ask yourself why you have issue with it, is it sour grapes etc. The decision is up to your friend "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Report them for what exactly? Calling someone sir isn't an offence. Dressing as a school girl isn't an offence. Assuming that this relationship is consensual, then having a relationship with someone that allegedly abused you 30 years ago is massively fucked up but not an offence. And the police almost certainly won't revisit an historical crime unless the victim raises it aa their input would be essential.

I think you are right to be concerned but not a lot you can really do other than be there for her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is nothing to do with you or anyone but her, offer a listening ear, but that's as far as a friend should go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope it's not sour grapes on your part.

How do you know he did what you said he did, and how do you know he is in her life again?

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By *mwstaffs OP   Man
over a year ago

brownhills

I know cos she told me lol , i just wanted another _iewpoint on it as its doing my head in

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London


"I would stay out of it she a adult now leave it up to her I think she wont thank you for it and you probably loose a friend ...

this. It's up to her if she wants to report him or not and sounds like she doesn't. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I know cos she told me lol , i just wanted another _iewpoint on it as its doing my head in "

This sounds like jealousy, why would it be doing your head in?

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By *mwstaffs OP   Man
over a year ago

brownhills

Because i dont know what she expects me to do with this info , not something i would tell someone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So was this friend of yours forced to meet him, dress up and have sex with him? Or did she arrange, meet and have sex with him all of her own accord and feed you all this info after the event.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People are so quick to pull out the "jealousy" card.. I'd be worried if it was my friend too.

Bottom line- she's a consenting adult. Stand back, let it take its course. And be there for her "if" it all f@cks up.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London


"I know cos she told me lol , i just wanted another _iewpoint on it as its doing my head in "

Why? Is she a vulnerable adult? Has he held a gun to her head and dressed her up against her will? Don't you have any problems of your own to do your head in?

She's not a damsel in distress: don't get involved in other people's dramas.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"People are so quick to pull out the "jealousy" card.. I'd be worried if it was my friend too.

Bottom line- she's a consenting adult. Stand back, let it take its course. And be there for her "if" it all f@cks up. "

Quick, I waited for 17 posts, before stating the obvious!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I know cos she told me lol , i just wanted another _iewpoint on it as its doing my head in "

Its really difficult when you think a friends being treated badly. Just keep an eye out for her, offer a listening ear and support her if she needs it. Carry on being a concerned friend

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I'd stay out of it....she is a grown woman and can use her own mind....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Everyone saying that you should stay out of it are daft. Dont just ignore it, tell her exactly what you think and THEN walk away.

If we let our friends make mistakes freely then we can share the blame. Everyone grow up and take responsibility for your mates.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Because i dont know what she expects me to do with this info , not something i would tell someone "

It could be that for the moment she just wants someone to know. Do nothing until or unless she asks for help.

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By *mwstaffs OP   Man
over a year ago

brownhills

Told her what i think and keeping my distance now , only so much i can deal with

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"People are so quick to pull out the "jealousy" card.. I'd be worried if it was my friend too.

Bottom line- she's a consenting adult. Stand back, let it take its course. And be there for her "if" it all f@cks up.

Quick, I waited for 17 posts, before stating the obvious! "

Excuse me?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Told her what i think and keeping my distance now , only so much i can deal with "

Wise move. Hope it turns out well

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon


"Told her what i think and keeping my distance now , only so much i can deal with "

I get the feeling that you care for her more then just a friend and that you are allowing the situation to affect you a little more then it should...I don't know the full fact to the case so can't pass comment on if she is doing all of this against her will etc but like I said she is a grown up and has her own mind.

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By *mwstaffs OP   Man
over a year ago

brownhills

She is a very good friend ,used to her doing things without thinking of the consequences , just this time it feels different and she was in process of getting help about her dramas but will probably not get that help

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone suggested counselling . She may actually be vulnerable due to past events, although on the face of it it seems not.

The other mention of him being a teacher still, may also be cause for concern.

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By *iggamanMan
over a year ago

London


"i have a dilemna that i dont know what to do about , a friend of mine told me recently that a teacher from 30 yrs ago who slept with her when she was under 16 has come back into her life , she says it was checked out by police at the time and nothing was done , but with the way that the police are looking into old cases i dont know if i should report it or not as i think it screwed up her life then and its not helping now , esp as he gets her to dress up as a school girl and call him sir , i find that so creepy "

you may find it creepy but the most important thing is what she thinks and how she feels and to me it doesn't sound like she has a problem with it so just let her live her life and be there for her if she needs you all you can do mate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

does no one think this teacher may have some kind of unhealthy influence over this woman, brought about by the abuse she suffered as a young child?

do we really think its ok for someones abusers to come back into their lives and star tall over again, even f the person is overage at that point?

could it not be some form of Stokholm syndrome?

did she have father issues when she was a child?

its very easy to just say ignore it, its nothing t do with you, but abuse is abuse is abuse, and an abuser is just that. its very easy to say ignore it, she is an adult, but who knows how fucked her head is from the earlier experience.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"does no one think this teacher may have some kind of unhealthy influence over this woman, brought about by the abuse she suffered as a young child?

do we really think its ok for someones abusers to come back into their lives and star tall over again, even f the person is overage at that point?

could it not be some form of Stokholm syndrome?

did she have father issues when she was a child?

its very easy to just say ignore it, its nothing t do with you, but abuse is abuse is abuse, and an abuser is just that. its very easy to say ignore it, she is an adult, but who knows how fucked her head is from the earlier experience."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"does no one think this teacher may have some kind of unhealthy influence over this woman, brought about by the abuse she suffered as a young child?

do we really think its ok for someones abusers to come back into their lives and star tall over again, even f the person is overage at that point?

could it not be some form of Stokholm syndrome?

did she have father issues when she was a child?

its very easy to just say ignore it, its nothing t do with you, but abuse is abuse is abuse, and an abuser is just that. its very easy to say ignore it, she is an adult, but who knows how fucked her head is from the earlier experience."

That was exactly my point.

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By *mwstaffs OP   Man
over a year ago

brownhills

Some of her other friends have suggested stockholm syndrome and she has said she felt guilty cos he did have some trouble caused by the abuse 30 yrs ago but got away with it

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By *horltzMan
over a year ago

heysham

Maybe you should just be a shoulder , sometimes thats the best type of counselling , and that way you will remain friends !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"i have a dilemna that i dont know what to do about , a friend of mine told me recently that a teacher from 30 yrs ago who slept with her when she was under 16 has come back into her life , she says it was checked out by police at the time and nothing was done , but with the way that the police are looking into old cases i dont know if i should report it or not as i think it screwed up her life then and its not helping now , esp as he gets her to dress up as a school girl and call him sir , i find that so

creepy "

If you have not already told her share your concerns with her. Then leave her to it whatever she decides to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Right firstly as for anyone who has been found guilty of historic child abuse they should rot but just imagine if someone reported you to police alleging they were abused by you 20 years since and was innocent how the hell can you defend yourself as this type of unfounded accusation is easy to allege and difficult to disprove and once the accusation is in cops hands it becomes public and your life is ruined based on someone saying such things.

In essence keep out of it as you only have her word on it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Right firstly as for anyone who has been found guilty of historic child abuse they should rot but just imagine if someone reported you to police alleging they were abused by you 20 years since and was innocent how the hell can you defend yourself as this type of unfounded accusation is easy to allege and difficult to disprove and once the accusation is in cops hands it becomes public and your life is ruined based on someone saying such things.

In essence keep out of it as you only have her word on it."

Difficult to disprove? Wrong decade!

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire


"I know cos she told me lol , i just wanted another _iewpoint on it as its doing my head in

Its really difficult when you think a friends being treated badly. Just keep an eye out for her, offer a listening ear and support her if she needs it. Carry on being a concerned friend "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"does no one think this teacher may have some kind of unhealthy influence over this woman, brought about by the abuse she suffered as a young child?

do we really think its ok for someones abusers to come back into their lives and star tall over again, even f the person is overage at that point?

could it not be some form of Stokholm syndrome?

did she have father issues when she was a child?

its very easy to just say ignore it, its nothing t do with you, but abuse is abuse is abuse, and an abuser is just that. its very easy to say ignore it, she is an adult, but who knows how fucked her head is from the earlier experience."

At last someone with some insight

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