FabSwingers.com forum: Shopping

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I have to go shopping later.

Now don't get me wrong - I enjoy retail therapy and usually come away with the complete opposite of what I was meant to be buying.

However - one thing I dislike is the fuckwits you tend to come across during late night shopping trips. The dawdlers, the bargers, the pushchairs ramming into your ankles at every turn, the queues in/out of the car parks and generally the sheer numbers that are about during pre-Xmas shopping trips.

If I could I'd do it online - but I can't.

So any useful tips on how to resist the urge to strangle people this evening as I've a party tomorrow night I'm very much looking forward to and don't want to have to cancel due to being banged up !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Amazon

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes

Don't go shopping, pay someone else to do your shopping for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

but ive just seen you cant lol

er er .....yikes how scary. I'm out, I wouldn't do it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Clearly you need to practice withering looks. That effectively parts the crowds of fuckwits and sends them scampering away in fear

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

or upon entering the shop of your choice, shout "shit theres a bomb"

wait for all the shoppers to leg it then make your apologies to the staff and shop shop shop

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

What are you shopping for?

I always look purposeful and they leave me alone.

Could you pick up a pair of seamed stockings for me and some black bin bags? Thanks.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"or upon entering the shop of your choice, shout "shit theres a bomb"

wait for all the shoppers to leg it then make your apologies to the staff and shop shop shop

Good idea - but I'm trying to avoid the cells - not guarantee entry!

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"or upon entering the shop of your choice, shout "shit theres a bomb"

wait for all the shoppers to leg it then make your apologies to the staff and shop shop shop

He is trying to avoid missing his night out tomorrow. He'd be better off strangling someone than shouting bomb.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Borrow a said pushchair and do the ramming. Or failing that just order online.

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By *bony in IvoryCouple
over a year ago

Black&White Utopia

Walk around singing xmas songs or better still smiling! Really unnerves people... Works for me no one gets in my way!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Walk around singing xmas songs or better still smiling! Really unnerves people... Works for me no one gets in my way!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

no needs to be radical more radical

- I have it! Go in your onesie

no come to think of it some chavs think that's perfectly normal.

ok try this. a box on your head with two eye hole cut outs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Order from John Lewis and collect in store tmoro.

After 6pm its much quieter....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"no needs to be radical more radical

- I have it! Go in your onesie

no come to think of it some chavs think that's perfectly normal.

ok try this. a box on your head with two eye hole cut outs."

Good plan!!!

Maybe I could nip to McD's and do a Ryan?

Then go on a huge shoplifting spree and he'd get all the blame!!!

Bwahahahahahaha!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How about you send someone else to do the said shopping ?? u could then relax in your bath and wait for it all to come home to you .......... just a thought!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"How about you send someone else to do the said shopping ?? u could then relax in your bath and wait for it all to come home to you .......... just a thought!!!

If I had a flunky I could boss about like that - they sure as he'll wouldn't be shopping !!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

*hell - not he'll !'

* it would be a female flunky, obviously!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Come pick me up!!! I want to look at pretty things I cant afford

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"*hell - not he'll !'

* it would be a female flunky, obviously!

Thought you were after funky monkey for a moment there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have two glasses of wine before you go

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Have two glasses of wine before you go

If only I wasn't driving!

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"How about you send someone else to do the said shopping ?? u could then relax in your bath and wait for it all to come home to you .......... just a thought!!!

If I had a flunky I could boss about like that - they sure as he'll wouldn't be shopping !!

You are correct with he'll - the shopping would get done and you can concentrate on your other flunkies.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

"Have two glasses of wine before you go

If only I wasn't driving!

Oi! Wot ya geddin' me for Crimbo?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

SHOPPING !! I thought there were rules about foul and abusive language on this forum ??

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"SHOPPING !! I thought there were rules about foul and abusive language on this forum ??

You can't abuse the poster but you can criticise the post.

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By *renchbambi xWoman
over a year ago

Need to know basis

"I have to go shopping later.

Now don't get me wrong - I enjoy retail therapy and usually come away with the complete opposite of what I was meant to be buying.

If I could I'd do it online - but I can't.

So any useful tips on how to resist the urge to strangle people this evening as I've a party tomorrow night I'm very much looking forward to and don't want to have to cancel due to being banged up !

Excellent Thursday rant!! You win

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Have two glasses of wine before you go

If only I wasn't driving!

Taxi? Phone a friend?

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Have a jumper covered in stale beer and cover half of your face in fake blood - should keep most at bay

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By *renchbambi xWoman
over a year ago

Need to know basis

"Have a jumper covered in stale beer and cover half of your face in fake blood - should keep most at bay

Or attract the wrong crowd!!!

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"Have a jumper covered in stale beer and cover half of your face in fake blood - should keep most at bay

Or attract the wrong crowd!!!

Didn't know Tesco's did vampires

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Shopping is a simple process!

1. You go to the shops to buy specific items.

2. These items will be bought from specific shops .

3 . A route around the shopping centre should be planned so that the minimum amount of time is wasted between shops ( no idle chit chat, browsing through other shop windows or calling in at costa coffee/mcdonalds required)

4 . Once in specific shop you pick goods , try on if you must, pay for them and get out.

5. Repeat item 4 above until all goods are purchased.

6 leave shopping centre as soon as possible

7 final and most important rule!- no shopping excursion should last anymore than 1 hour !

Simples

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Well - the shopping could be worse!

The German market is in full flow which means beer and huge sausages!

Only downside is the shocking music and it's just started raining!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Well - the shopping could be worse!

The German market is in full flow which means beer and huge sausages!

Only downside is the shocking music and it's just started raining!!

Good thing I accidentally turned my phone off and didn't come with you then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Well - the shopping could be worse!

The German market is in full flow which means beer and huge sausages!

Only downside is the shocking music and it's just started raining!!

Good thing I accidentally turned my phone off and didn't come with you then

Oh, and bring me back a big sausage

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By *entleman JackMan
over a year ago

Loughborough

Go out shopping. Look out for a disabled person who is crippled and confined all twisted up in a wheelchair. Take a real good look at them. A really good look.

Now count your blessings, take a deep breath, summon up the biggest smile you can muster, and thank God that you are blessed with the health and personal freedom to go shopping, whenever you like, and do pretty much as you please.

Then repeat this for tomorrow, the next day, and for the rest of your life.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Well - the shopping could be worse!

The German market is in full flow which means beer and huge sausages!

Only downside is the shocking music and it's just started raining!!

Good thing I accidentally turned my phone off and didn't come with you then

Oh, and bring me back a big sausage

German?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Well - the shopping could be worse!

The German market is in full flow which means beer and huge sausages!

Only downside is the shocking music and it's just started raining!!

Good thing I accidentally turned my phone off and didn't come with you then

Oh, and bring me back a big sausage

German?

So long as it hits the right spots - i'm easy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've done all my Xmas prezzie shopping today

. But a funny story! Currently mother is on holiday in the USA. So we facetimed last night to say hi. Classic happened. Mother: I did all my shopping today for Xmas. Me: oh cool buy anything nice? Mother: oh walked around Gucci and then Tiffany&co. Me: oh wow what where they like did you buy anything? Mother: no was all too expensive. Me: oh ok fair enough but mum! Mother: yes love. Me: is that not a Tiffany&co bag behind you. Mother: oh shit!! Hahaha how I'm looking forward to boxing Christmas Day now when Santa comes

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

Perfect the "come anywhere fucking near me and I will seriously fuck with you" look, works for me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Perfect the "come anywhere fucking near me and I will seriously fuck with you" look, works for me.

That's exactly the look he will be getting if he tries getting me in the onesie he has decided to buy!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Perfect the "come anywhere fucking near me and I will seriously fuck with you" look, works for me.

That's exactly the look he will be getting if he tries getting me in the onesie he has decided to buy!!!

Baahahahahaha!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Perfect the "come anywhere fucking near me and I will seriously fuck with you" look, works for me.

That's exactly the look he will be getting if he tries getting me in the onesie he has decided to buy!!!

Not half as much fun as getting you out of it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Perfect the "come anywhere fucking near me and I will seriously fuck with you" look, works for me.

That's exactly the look he will be getting if he tries getting me in the onesie he has decided to buy!!!

Baahahahahaha!!!

What do you reckon the odds of the crime scene investigators believing an actual fox killed you - if I got photographic evidence?

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