FabSwingers.com forum: Dirty Jokes

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

After laughing at some of the many witty replies within threads, and seeing the 'Genie joke' thread I thought it would be especially appropriate to have a thread of sex related jokes on here, what with sex being quite an important part of the site like

So.....

A wife wakes up one morning turns to her husband and says "I dreamt I was at an auction for cocks, the long ones went for about a tenner, and the thick ones went for twenty"

"What about ones like mine?" said the husband

"Oh they gave those away" grinned the wife

The miffed husband said "I had a dream to, they were auctioning off pussies, the pretty ones went for £100, and the tight ones were double that"

"What about ones like mine?" said the wife

The husband grinned and said "That's where they held the auction"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A group of nuns were queuing up at the pearly gates waiting to get in to heaven. St Peter appears and tells them before they can get in they have to confess whether or not they have ever had any contact with a penis.

The first nun in the queue confessed that she saw one once, so she was told to dab her eyes with the holy water and she may enter. The second one confessed that she touched one with her hand once, so she had to put her hand in the holy water to enter.

All of a sudden there was some commotion in the queue with a nun trying to push to the front. St Peter asked why the nun was queue jumping and she said "If I'm going to have to gargle with the holy water, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 12/03/10 21:30:46]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i'll start again

A little girl finds her dog dead with its legs in the air and asks her dad why its like that,

Her dad says

" its like that so jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven......

The next day she says

"Dad mom nearly died today.... she was on her back with her legs in the air shouiting

OH JESUS IM COMMING IM COMMING

and if the milkman wasnt holding her down we would have lost her

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two drug dealers were in court awaiting sentencing. The judge said "I'm fed up of giving jail time to dealers as it never does any good and you just go on doing it. So I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever, so no customers, no dealers. I'll see you back in court Monday, and if you haven't convinced enough people, I will lock you both up for a long time."

Monday came, the two guys were in court and the judge asked the first one how he got on.

"I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever" said the first guy proudly.

"17 people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?" asked the Judge.

"I used a diagram. I drew two circles like this, and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable" said the judge. He turned to the second guy. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever," said the second guy with a broad smile.

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your bumhole before prison..."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

In 1993, the scientists in England did a study to see why the head of

a man's penis was

larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded

that the reason the

head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure

during sex.

After the study was published, the scientists in france

decided to do their own

study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that

the reason was to

give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Then australian scientists, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted

their own study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was

to keep a man's

hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *illwill69uMan
over a year ago

moston

In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the land-lady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed whenever she receives her post:

Linda Lykes

The Cockwell Inn

Erbum

Tillet

Herts

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left him with an upset stomach. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. Unfortunately it was the real thing this time, and he was so embarrassed about it he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A d*unk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the d*unk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked what was going on.

The d*unk, still staring down at the sheets replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Paddy and Murphy are good mates, and one day Paddy goes to Murphy and says "Bejeezus, have you seen this wife-swapping lark?"

"Yup, we should give it a go" was the reply, so they do.

An hour later, Paddy, all sweaty and panting, says to Murphy "Boy, this is a lot of fun"

"yes, I am loving it" replies Murphy, "wonder how the girls are getting on!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After a particularly firece blaze at O'Malley's pub in Dublin the fire brigade entered the building to assess the cause of the fire. They were puzzled when they saw a long line of charred corpses standing with their arms outstrecthed along the counter but the puzzle was solved when they saw a sign that read:

"In emergencies, push bar to open."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

Funny, but that wasn't the kind of 'dirty' I had in mind

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *illwill69uMan
over a year ago

moston

[Removed by poster at 13/03/10 15:08:20]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Funny, but that wasn't the kind of 'dirty' I had in mind

Maybe I can redeem myself with this one?

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He whispered in the wife’s ear and then disappeared.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Be strong my love, our lives depend on it!"

"Darling" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute and asked where we keep the Vaseline! Be strong my love, our lives depend on it!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And I'll stick another in for good measure...

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many years. First guy asks the second guy "How have things been going ?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy "I was almost married. The first guy says in amazement "Hey! you don't stutter anymore."

"Yeah I went to a doctor and he told me that if I speak slowly I will not stutter."

The first friend congratulates him on not stuttering anymore and asks why he is no longer engaged to his girlfriend.

"Well my fiancee and I were sitting on her porch and her dog was scratching himself and I told her that when we are married she can do that for me and she threw the ring in my face"

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the first friend " Well I speak so slowly, that by the time she looked at the dog. he was licking his balls"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Once upon a time, and far-far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme and would pay when it was proven.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer..........

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A teacher is just about to take the class register when a boy walks through the door.

"You're late!" she says "where have you been?"

"Up Penny Lane" replies the boy

"Go and sit down" says the teacher and turns to take the register, but before she can start another boy comes through the door.

"You're late!" she says "where have you been?"

"Up Penny Lane" replies the boy

"Go and sit down" says the teacher and again turns to take the register, but before she can start a girl comes through the door.

"I suppose you've been up Penny Lane as well" said the teacher.

"No miss" replied the girl "I am Penny Lane"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife in bed. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to give her an orgasm. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100%successful. "Hire a big strong black man to stand near your bed and wave a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. Your wife is sure to have an orgasm." The guy hired the strong man, hopped into bed, and while the huge black guy waved the towel, he made hot monkey love to his wife. But all his efforts were in vain. No orgasm.

He went back to his friend and told him what had happened. His friend suggested that the husband and the big guy switch places. "Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed". The husband agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. The husband hired the same guy again and this time they traded places. The strong guy made wild, hot, crazy love to the man's wife while the husband stood and waved the towel.

Naturally, the wife had a divine orgasm. The husband leaned over to the black guy and said proudly, "You see!........That's how you have to wave the towel."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eppoch1970Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Did you hear about the gay electrician?

He got wired into his mate!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit the frog's middle finger

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *illwill69uMan
over a year ago

moston

Tiger Woods

Ashley Cole

John Terry

Vernon Kay

Mark Owen

What have they all got in common?

Wives who aren't trying hard enough.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A guy is out on the town one night and meets a woman who invites him back to her place.

As soon as they get indoors she makes it obvious that she wants sex.

After about 5mins of screwing she yells

"It's not big enough"

So he inserts his hand.

"It's not still not enough" she shouts

So he sticks his leg in.

"It's still not enough" she says

So he sticks his other leg in as well.

"Still not enough"

So he just climbs in and starts jumping around inside. After a few minutes of this he suddenly realises he's not alone in there, there's another guy.

"My god!!!" he says "What are you doing here?"

The other guy says "I'm looking for my truck"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *illwill69uMan
over a year ago

moston

A bloke rings up work and says he's sick, his boss replies how sick are ya and he replies I'm in bed with my disabled sister.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

"A bloke rings up work and says he's sick, his boss replies how sick are ya and he replies I'm in bed with my disabled sister."

EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices

a little girl riding down the sidewalk in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walks out to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck" he says admiringly.

"Thanks, Mister Fireman," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,

"I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

every day a guy walks up closely to a girl standing by the coffee machine

inhales a big breathof air and tells her

"your hair smells nice"

After week of this she went to see personal and put in a complaint of sexual harassment against him

The personalmanager says

"what wrong withhim saying your hair smells nice"

she said

"its keith the dawf"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre.....so he gave her one

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *arlitos WayMan
over a year ago

Brighton & Hove

What’s the difference between Oral sex and Anal sex? - Oral sex makes your day… Anal sex makes your hole weak!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ll of a QuiverCouple
over a year ago

Douglas

Karma Sutra, Position 52.

The Pirate

When going at it doggy style, just as you about to cum, pull out and spit on her back so she thinks you've cum.

When she turns around, unleash a blast right in her face to stun and amaze her!

Known as the Pirate because she'll put her hand over her eye and shout AARGHHH

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lay69withusCouple
over a year ago

herefordshire

what have being in the F.B.I and the 69 position got in common??

one slip of the tongue and you are in the sh1t.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

12 priests were about to be ordained.

The final tests were for the priests to line up in a row, naked in a garden, with a bell attached to their weenies while a beautiful, naked, big busted woman danced in front of them.

The priests were told that any ones whose bell rang while the woman danced would not be ordained as they hadn't reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced in front of the first priest with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with no reaction until she came to the last priest Carlos. At this point Carlos's bell began to ring as the model danced. Poor Carlos was so embarrassed: his bell rang so loudly it flew off and clattered across the ground.

Carlos, mortified bent down to pick up his bell: at this point all the other bells went off...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy walks into a pub with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this place £50 that this octopus can play any instrument you give to it."

No one could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took £50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another £50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, put them down again.

"What's the matter, can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man.

"Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What the difference between a pregnant woman, and a light bulb?

You can UNscrew a light bulb

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

On the FOX FM morning show in Sydney the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes",he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara.....where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the arse....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tiger Woods walks into a bar, and sees the barmaid has a rip in her tights

"Is that a ladder you have or a stairway to heaven" he says

"Oh its definitely a stairway to heaven" she answers

"However I've already got one fanny up there already now fuck off"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A husband emerges from the bathroom naked and was climbing in to bed when his wife complained,as usual

"I have a headache"

"Perfect" her husband said "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, its up to you"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath

"Mum?" he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet." she replied

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What's white and shoots across the sky?

The coming of the lord

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

On a farm out in the country lived a man, his wife and their three sons.

Early one morning the mother awoke and while looking out of the window onto to the field she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind - she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead - as well as the cow - he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow) and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try but after four times he was simply unable to satisfy her again - so the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up - after discovering what had happened - he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times) - it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid - so she drowned him also.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead the dead cow in the field and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not *twenty* times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not *THIRTY* times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.".

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill *you*like it did the cow?"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The pentagon had too many generals - so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body - to be measured however *they* chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe - he was 69 inches and received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general - he wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger - it was 80 inches - he received $800,000.

The first two generals were very happy with their earnings.

Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?"

The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?"

The general said, "Just do it!"

The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, "Sir, where are your balls."

The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A married man is visited by God, who tells him;

"To get into heaven, you're going to have to give up smoking, drinking and sex. I'll return in a few weeks to see how you're getting on"

A few weeks pass and low, God returns.

"So my son, how have you done?" he asks.

"Well," the man replies "I haven't smoked or had a single drink since you last visited me however, when my wife bent over the freezer to get some meat out I couldn't resist the urge and fucked her there and then".

God says "They don't like that in heaven!!"

The man replies "No they don't much like it in Asda either"

My girlfriend once asked me "Why don't we make love like they do in films?"

So I bent her over, fucked her up the arse and shot my load over her face.

Turns out we don't watch the same films.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

not a dirty one just sick

I've found a website about the bombings on the Moscow Metro.

redtube.com

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Who was the artist with the brown finger?

Picasso

(I know, I broke my own rule

)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The wife used to hate Bukkake.

Now she just takes it on the chin.....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ardnWettCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her. Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time boys, one at a time."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...

something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

"Because" ... she replied ....

"I Really Miss Mine"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ardnWettCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Best Feature

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'it's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me.'

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A woman goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm"

The doctor thinks for a moment and then asks "Have you tried taking anything for it?"

The woman says "Yes........pepper"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *amschwingerzCouple
over a year ago

West

Our local priest was a useless ventriloquist...he stuck his finger up my arse but told me to say nothing!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A family are driving behind a dust cart when a big rubber dildo falls out the back and bounces off the windscreen.

Embarassed, and to protect her young son's innocence she says it was an insect.

To which her son replied

"I'm surprised it can fly with a cock that big"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

An overweight man sees an advert promising he can lose 10 kilos in just two sessions at a gym. When he gets there, He's shown a door, and told to enter then strip naked.

He walks into an ordinary well furnished waiting room and strips. Minutes later, a gorgeous young girl with great tits and a nice round arse walks with absolutely nothing on.

"Hello" she says "I'm your personal trainer, and if you can catch me, you can fuck me!!"

After an hour of chasing her in and around the furniture a bell rings

"Better luck next time" she says as she leaves the room.

He gets home, weighs himself, and discovers he's lost 3 kilos.

"Wow" he says to himself "I'm definitely going back there"

He comes back for his next session and again he's told to go in and strip, but while he's waiting he decides to push all the furniture to one side to give himself a better chance. Just as he's finished doing that in walks a 7 foot tall, big built, hairy guy, with a huge cock.

"Hello" he says "I'm your personal trainer, and if I catch you, I'm going to fuck YOU!!"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

One hot summer's day a guy decides to catch a few rays and lies in the sun with just a pair of shorts on. Unfortunately he falls asleep, and wakes up with really bad sunburn.

He goes to see his doctor, who prescribes Viagra for him. Puzzled, the man says

'I didn't know Viagra was good for sunburn'

'It isn't...' replied the doctor '...but it'll help keep the bed sheets off your skin at night'

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *illwill69uMan
over a year ago

moston

Virgin: Forgive me Father for i've sinned.

Priest: How have you sinned my child?

V: I called a man a bastard

P: Why did you call him a bastard?

V: He put his hand down my blouse & touched my breast.

P: You mean like this my child?

V: Yes father!

P: That's no reason to call him a bastard.

V: He also put his hand down my pants Father.

P: Like this my child?

V: Yes father

P: That's no reason to call him a bastard.

V: But father he put his penis in me

P: You mean like this my child?

V: Yes father

P: That's still no reason to call him a bastard.

V: But father, he told me he had aids.

P: Oh the fucking bastard.

My missus came home d*unk yesterday afternoon. While she was trying to get undressed she fell over and knocked herself out - her knickers were round her ankles and her pussy was clearly on show ... There was no chance I was going to miss an opportunity like this !! So I went out with the lads.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between Iceland and Cheyrl Cole?

Iceland is still blowing ash!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *illwill69uMan
over a year ago

moston

^^^^^^

VERY GOOD!

its on its way to all my friends!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

women eh?

boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples, pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows waxed, bikini wax, armpits shaved, legs waxed, lips tattooed, tits tattooed, arms tattooed, legs tattooed, lengthy diets, strenuous exercise .... and THEN, they won't take it up the arse, because it HURTS!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes to the doctor with an embarressing problem ....

The doctor asks what the problem is and the man says ... it's my cock, it's gone all orange. So the doctor takes a look and says he has never seen anything like it. He asks the guy what he does for a living ... the guy answers, nothing I just sit around all day watching porn and eating wotsits .....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"women eh?

A woman was giving birth and at one point she yelled to her husband, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU BASTARD!"

He calmly replies, "..and you said taking it up the arse would hurt. Bet you regret that now."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

An eskimo takes his snowmobile to a mechanic for a service. After probing about inside the engine the mechanic says "You've blown a seal"

The eskimo says "No, it's just ice on my moustache"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Whats the difference between a policeman with a speed gun and going down on a woman?

When you go down on a woman you can see the c**t behind the bush!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *amschwingerzCouple
over a year ago

West

What animal has a c**t halfway along its back?

A policehorse!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uckscouple2007Couple
over a year ago

Bucks

"An eskimo takes his snowmobile to a mechanic for a service. After probing about inside the engine the mechanic says "You've blown a seal"

The eskimo says "No, it's just ice on my moustache""

you get that off the wrapper of a Penguin bar?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota whch makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....'

'Your job is to give Elmo 2 test tickles.'

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread