FabSwingers.com forum: Maybe not the place but can't keep this in

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My oldest son, age 9 is autistic. (Out of respect for him I never mention this when messaging re. meeting up but often chat about my children at meets). Increasingly his mum is doing things without him. I had to have time off work at the beginning of the school summer holidays whilst his mum and granny went away with his younger brother only. After helping me fix my car as soon as I got him from school he’s sat here now playing on my fone. His younger brother is away for the weekend with grandparents.

Whilst they have different needs I love both my children equally and do lots with them (we were on an outward bound weekend last weekend) and try to rise above what’s happening with my oldest it ain’t always easy.

Just had to get it off my chest. There is no answer/solution except for events to run their course.

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By *wingerdelightCouple
over a year ago

eastliegh

I don't understand your point

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't understand your point"

No point just getting to me a bit. Do you think I should remove post?

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By *wingerdelightCouple
over a year ago

eastliegh

No don't remove it. We are all aloud a rant

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'll take it off. Looks far to much like a 'awwwww poor you' thread and I really ain't like that

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By *irtyDee33Woman
over a year ago

South Yorkshire

No not at all, my son is Autistic so I know what it's like!

Are u concerned that your son is being left out too much?

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"I don't understand your point"
The eldest son not getting enough input from the mother?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't understand your point

No point just getting to me a bit. Do you think I should remove post? "

Of course you should not remove it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i can understand where you are coming from, but how badly affected is he?

if he is badly affected, then a parent with the lions share of looking after him will need a break, as well as any siblings.

it may seem unfair to leave him out but you have to see it from both sides.

i have a son with aspergers so not at all as bad as full blown autism, but when he was younger it was hard work.

maybe chat with his mother and voice your concerns.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"No not at all, my son is Autistic so I know what it's like!

Are u concerned that your son is being left out too much?"

certainly, Hos mum has never liked him.

She took both to Tenerife and he was a bit too much like hard work so no more hols with mum.

I take both to Butlins or Pontins every year

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

His point is that it's getting to him that his son's mother is isolating the boy when he needs his family and has autism, which cant be ignored, and that it's also affecting his own work life.

The post suggests that he wants to get it off his chest.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses..."

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

v's sister is in the same boat, although its actually the other way round with the kids.

because the eldest is severly autistic, he takes a lot of many peoples time, so the youngest feels left out, so acts up, and takes up more of his mothers time than the eldest does (the eldest is happy as long as he has his laptop or the tv remote so he can watch what he wants).

the youngest is, to be frank, a little bastard!!!! calling his mother a fat c*nt, lying, stealing and generally making a nuisance of himself.

his mother isnt able for him, although we have tried to help her cope with him, its taking a lot of time away from his older brother, when he needs it to start developing his social skills as he is now coming 16.

so feel for you fella.

just keep on keeping on, its all you can do.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

without knowing you, your ex wife or the whole situation I can only say that its good to get these things off your chest but that it is possible that your ex-wife and younger son need respite.

Good luck to all four of you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you. "

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!

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By *wingerdelightCouple
over a year ago

eastliegh

"I don't understand your point

No point just getting to me a bit. Do you think I should remove post? "
and sorry if that sounds insensitive. That wasn't my aim

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you. "

I don't think that was a snipe at you just maybe trying to help you see how things might not be quite as you see them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you. "

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"i can understand where you are coming from, but how badly affected is he?

if he is badly affected, then a parent with the lions share of looking after him will need a break, as well as any siblings.

it may seem unfair to leave him out but you have to see it from both sides.

i have a son with aspergers so not at all as bad as full blown autism, but when he was younger it was hard work.

maybe chat with his mother and voice your concerns."

Really don't like using bad as comparison. The children more or less live with me when I'm not working and they're not at school. Except for the instances I'm talking about twhen it's the oldest only. (Fortuitously I've found someone who likes meeting me when I work until 10 o' clock so obviously don't have the children). I occasionally also have 1-2-1 with the youngest but the oldest doesn't like being left with mum.

The oldest wants to live with me. As I've said the only answer is for time to take its course. He'as 9 atm.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday"

Before we get into sniping at his ex-wife off maybe step back and realise that she can't speak for herself here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday

Before we get into sniping at his ex-wife off maybe step back and realise that she can't speak for herself here. "

Lol Im not sniping but he can speak for himself. He just wants to get it off his chest.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!"

Of course. She know what she was doing not working when we were together and that's way they live (ha, ha) with her now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

I don't think that was a snipe at you just maybe trying to help you see how things might not be quite as you see them

Yes. Like you suggested they may need respite.

I'm just not willing to cucify someone just on one side of the story.

How many men truly know what child-rearing is like? Only those whose roles are reversed.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday

Before we get into sniping at his ex-wife off maybe step back and realise that she can't speak for herself here.

Lol Im not sniping but he can speak for himself. He just wants to get it off his chest."

Yep, absolutely understand that see my first reply.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!

Of course. She know what she was doing not working when we were together and that's way they live (ha, ha) with her now "

You are in a tough sitaution and initially I thought you were posting out of concern for your son.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday

Before we get into sniping at his ex-wife off maybe step back and realise that she can't speak for herself here. "

Of course there are 3 sides to this and any similar story: his/mine, hers/hers and the truth. I am taking care to give factual information here. It isn't a dig at my ex.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!

Of course. She know what she was doing not working when we were together and that's way they live (ha, ha) with her now

You are in a tough sitaution and initially I thought you were posting out of concern for your son."

Probably because I am

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!

Of course. She know what she was doing not working when we were together and that's way they live (ha, ha) with her now

You are in a tough sitaution and initially I thought you were posting out of concern for your son.

Probably because I am "

well that's good then.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday

Before we get into sniping at his ex-wife off maybe step back and realise that she can't speak for herself here.

Of course there are 3 sides to this and any similar story: his/mine, hers/hers and the truth. I am taking care to give factual information here. It isn't a dig at my ex. "

No dig?

The other has bells on it...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

I don't think that was a snipe at you just maybe trying to help you see how things might not be quite as you see them

Yes. Like you suggested they may need respite.

I'm just not willing to cucify someone just on one side of the story.

How many men truly know what child-rearing is like? Only those whose roles are reversed."

Who's out to crucify anyone? As I've sid in another post: I am giving factual information and in another: my children pretty much live with me when I'm not at work

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!"

Pish. There are single dads out there (including myself) that do a LOT more for their children than their mothers would ever do! The guy is just letting off a bit steam because he feels that his son isn't getting as much attention as he should from his mother. How do you know enough to comment upon what he has/hasn't done in his sons upbringing?

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By *igSuki81Man
over a year ago

Retirement Village

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!"

That isn't necessarily true. In a 'stable relationship' as you put it one of the PARENTS is the primary carer and it isn't always the female half. Whom that is, is dependent on the parents deciding what's best given their situation and relationship.

Sorry if you think that's being a bit picky on what you've said but i don't accept this view in society that a woman is the primary carer for a child.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday

Before we get into sniping at his ex-wife off maybe step back and realise that she can't speak for herself here.

Of course there are 3 sides to this and any similar story: his/mine, hers/hers and the truth. I am taking care to give factual information here. It isn't a dig at my ex.

No dig?

The other has bells on it..."

As ever on here it appears others know more about my post than I do. I reiterate I have given nothing but the whole truth. It's like some are having a go at me coz of mine, and my children's situation

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!

Reread!

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

Calm down people......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday

Before we get into sniping at his ex-wife off maybe step back and realise that she can't speak for herself here.

Of course there are 3 sides to this and any similar story: his/mine, hers/hers and the truth. I am taking care to give factual information here. It isn't a dig at my ex.

No dig?

The other has bells on it...

Your portrayal of your ex carries natural bias. This bias can clearly be seen.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

I thought the OP was stating what he is saying is the truth rather than digging at the ex.

To the OP...have you asked her why she only takes the youngest away or out? Does she want to give the youngest some fun time alone? Does she take them both out at other times?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Your portrayal of your ex carries natural bias. This bias can clearly be seen."

By you.....not all of us.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday

Before we get into sniping at his ex-wife off maybe step back and realise that she can't speak for herself here.

Of course there are 3 sides to this and any similar story: his/mine, hers/hers and the truth. I am taking care to give factual information here. It isn't a dig at my ex.

No dig?

The other has bells on it...

Your portrayal of your ex carries natural bias. This bias can clearly be seen."

Arrrrrrrrrrr. Again I'm only telling it how it is. You're making it sound like I'm responsible for her actions!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your portrayal of your ex carries natural bias. This bias can clearly be seen.

By you.....not all of us."

Where oh where is the round of applause button on here

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday

Before we get into sniping at his ex-wife off maybe step back and realise that she can't speak for herself here.

Of course there are 3 sides to this and any similar story: his/mine, hers/hers and the truth. I am taking care to give factual information here. It isn't a dig at my ex.

No dig?

The other has bells on it...

Your portrayal of your ex carries natural bias. This bias can clearly be seen.

Arrrrrrrrrrr. Again I'm only telling it how it is. You're making it sound like I'm responsible for her actions!! "

as with everything we say, you are saying it as it is FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW.

without her side of the argument it isnt really a fair point.

she may well need a break for her and the youngest, as the eldest is hard work.

without your ex's input your view can only be taken on face value.

dont stress about it.

just enjoy the time you have just the 2 of you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't understand your point"

You must be suffering from the disease where if it's not about sex then you just don't get it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 11/10/13 17:24:50]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

Plus the guy's working his arse off while she decides to take a holiday

Before we get into sniping at his ex-wife off maybe step back and realise that she can't speak for herself here.

Of course there are 3 sides to this and any similar story: his/mine, hers/hers and the truth. I am taking care to give factual information here. It isn't a dig at my ex.

No dig?

The other has bells on it...

Your portrayal of your ex carries natural bias. This bias can clearly be seen.

Arrrrrrrrrrr. Again I'm only telling it how it is. You're making it sound like I'm responsible for her actions!!

as with everything we say, you are saying it as it is FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW.

without her side of the argument it isnt really a fair point.

she may well need a break for her and the youngest, as the eldest is hard work.

without your ex's input your view can only be taken on face value.

dont stress about it.

just enjoy the time you have just the 2 of you"

There is only one side of the story here!

As for rugby, blah you need glasses

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

work calls

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Occasionally she takes both. But increasingly rare. She does very little with them tbh. I have organised activities over more than one day. For instance a two evenings digital media course free to disabled children and their families at the oldest's school only down the road from where she lives. Coz of work I could only take them to the first one, which they both really enjoyed. Even though I asked her do you think she took them to the other? I have several very similar stories. and soz if any of that sounds bias.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"work calls"

Cooking my son's tea calls. Sport (swimming etc tomorrow morning. Free every other Saturday to disabled children and their families. It's usually the 3 of us). Then back to mum coz work at 2.30.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can guarantee you that if it was a lass that posted this thread, the sisterhood would have gathered around her like a clutch of broody hens, calling us men totally heartless bastards for doing that! To the op, try and enjoy the time you have with your boy mate. Every minute is a godsend!

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"Occasionally she takes both. But increasingly rare. She does very little with them tbh. I have organised activities over more than one day. For instance a two evenings digital media course free to disabled children and their families at the oldest's school only down the road from where she lives. Coz of work I could only take them to the first one, which they both really enjoyed. Even though I asked her do you think she took them to the other? I have several very similar stories. and soz if any of that sounds bias."

As you are probably aware when you look after your children, it can be tiring, and I am not going to pretend to know how challenging a child with special needs can be....but could it be the woman is too knackered to do any extra activities once she has looked after them all day?

Is she keeping the older one with her when you have the youngest is so she can give the older one some attention on his own?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can guarantee you that if it was a lass that posted this thread, the sisterhood would have gathered around her like a clutch of broody hens, calling us men totally heartless bastards for doing that! To the op, try and enjoy the time you have with your boy mate. Every minute is a godsend!"

I couldn't agree more!(I am shocked) Is that really you saying that or has someone hacked your profile??

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

If you feel that your ex is not being pro active set an example which you are doing and enjoy you time with your children.....I don't agree with bashing the other parent (btw not saying you are) but when things turns bitter it has an impact on the child and often a negative one. Enjoy your time with him it sounds like he likes being with you....autism is a difficult thing to deal with....I take my hats off to parents that have to deal with it on a daily basis...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Really must run but have to say this:

OP open the lines of communication with ex. Work as a team. Put your own pasts behind you. Talk and learn about each others difficulties.

Parenting isn't always easy under ordinary circumstances.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldn't agree more!(I am shocked) Is that really you saying that or has someone hacked your profile??"

Me, and probably now blocked by every female on the forums! But hey ho.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"Really must run but have to say this:

OP open the lines of communication with ex. Work as a team. Put your own pasts behind you. Talk and learn about each others difficulties.

Parenting isn't always easy under ordinary circumstances.

Good luck

You will be late !

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I couldn't agree more!(I am shocked) Is that really you saying that or has someone hacked your profile??

Me, and probably now blocked by every female on the forums! But hey ho.

Not all females are man haters you know.....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Is she keeping the older one with her when you have the youngest is so she can give the older one some attention on his own?

He won't stop with her. I said in another post. I was fortunate enough to have a few hours fishing with the youngest only last week coz only his school was on strike.

And I'm gonna well and truly get my balls crushed by the sisterhood here and have refrained from saying this until now coz it hasn't been pertinent enough to my OP: she doesn't work (and I don't count being in the home as work. That's 30 - 40 years out of date). Whereas I work F/T. Again, as I've already said: my children more or less live with me when I'm not at work.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldn't agree more!(I am shocked) Is that really you saying that or has someone hacked your profile??

Me, and probably now blocked by every female on the forums! But hey ho.

I dont suck up to anyone on the forums its one of the biggest mistakes guys make on here. you will find that the nice ones really don't like you sucking up and the ones who do well you wouldn't get on with. If you have an opinion of your own and its a honest one people will prefer that to agreeing to everyone else's.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldn't agree more!(I am shocked) Is that really you saying that or has someone hacked your profile??

Me, and probably now blocked by every female on the forums! But hey ho.

Yep.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Op full support for you you are sticking by your kids and doing what you can for them. Keep doing so and respect to you so walk tall.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

Is she keeping the older one with her when you have the youngest is so she can give the older one some attention on his own?

He won't stop with her. I said in another post. I was fortunate enough to have a few hours fishing with the youngest only last week coz only his school was on strike.

Stop justifying yourself you don't need to...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

again, your side of it.

without her giving the reason why she didnt its just bitter im afraid.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Really must run but have to say this:

OP open the lines of communication with ex. Work as a team. Put your own pasts behind you. Talk and learn about each others difficulties.

Parenting isn't always easy under ordinary circumstances.

Good luck

You will be late !"

If we're not doing anything special the youngest occasionally chooses to stop with his mum (I stress only occasionally . Mainly coz he's got X Box at hers). I've told her there would be similar instances even if we were still together. Kids, ah. She must have eaten some serious humble pie when she asked me to have the oldest for several days whilst she went away with youngest and her mum. There isn't much to discuss with her. This isn't a separated couple won't talk issue.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!"

What a load of crap. We are in a stable relationship and I (mr) is and always have been what you would class as the primary carer. I'm the one that was the house husband when they were young.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

He won't stop with her. I said in another post. I was fortunate enough to have a few hours fishing with the youngest only last week coz only his school was on strike.

Hmmm looks like I might be getting the youngest or older mixed up but I am hoping you knew what I meant.

Either way, even if the woman doesn't work she is looking after the kids when you are working so a full time situation.

I personally wouldn't try and tell her what she should do when she is with the kids... but I would be worried if she is leaving one out on purpose.

I would concentrate on the time and fun you have with your kidsand make sure they know you are happy to have both of them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sorry, i have seen it first hand, didnt appreciate it before, tbh, not having kids and having even less to do with children with special needs and learning difficulties.

i work between 50 and 70 hours a week, and you know what, i would rather be doing that that having to look after 2 kids, one with very specified care requirements, and the other feeling like he is losing out on mummy and daddy because of it.

so saying she doesnt go out to work, and you dont count what she does as work is really low.

you have already stated you find it hard work when you have them for the time you do, well shouldnt she find it equally, if not more so, seeing as the eldest doesnt want to be there, so is probably even more difficult for her to look after????

that statement really has disappointed me from you. i was actually pretty much with you before that

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 11/10/13 17:52:03]

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

again, your side of it.

without her giving the reason why she didnt its just bitter im afraid.

Bitter? pint of lager for me please. For the six or seventh time I'm only telling it how it is. She gave her reason for not taking him on holiday this year as she had trouble with him last year. Again I reiterate: I've taken both of them on summer holidays for the last 4 years.

Why do you find it so difficult to accept the truth?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"sorry, i have seen it first hand, didnt appreciate it before, tbh, not having kids and having even less to do with children with special needs and learning difficulties.

so saying she doesnt go out to work, and you dont count what she does as work is really low.

that statement really has disappointed me from you. i was actually pretty much with you before that"

Disappointed? Please where have I said it's hard work when I have them? They are my children!!

I really do think Ann Oakley is out of date. This needs a separate thread: do you girls want to go to work? Or be 'housewives?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

again, your side of it.

without her giving the reason why she didnt its just bitter im afraid.

Why do you find it so difficult to accept the truth?"

i dont have a problem with the TRUTH, but this isnt the TRUTH its your truth.

her truth would be, somewhat, different, as would each of your sons.

history is written by the victor, the fallen rarely gets a say.

i could be going out with your ex, and be telling my mates you wont pick the kids up from school most of the time, your an arse and so on, now, that would be the truth, as i see it.

your turht is you are at work/sleeping the last shift off/getting ready for work, whichever, but without the other side of things, there is no truth.

why do you have such difficulty understanding that?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldn't agree more!(I am shocked) Is that really you saying that or has someone hacked your profile??

Me, and probably now blocked by every female on the forums! But hey ho.

why would they all block you, youre one of the funniest men on here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"sorry, i have seen it first hand, didnt appreciate it before, tbh, not having kids and having even less to do with children with special needs and learning difficulties.

so saying she doesnt go out to work, and you dont count what she does as work is really low.

that statement really has disappointed me from you. i was actually pretty much with you before that

Disappointed? Please where have I said it's hard work when I have them? They are my children!!

I really do think Ann Oakley is out of date. This needs a separate thread: do you girls want to go to work? Or be 'housewives?' "

for the 2nd time you mistake an argument that is against your to be some kind of feminine crusade.

im a bloke.

just because im a bloke doesnt mean i have to back you when i cant see where your ex has gone wrong, simply because i havent heard her side of the story.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

He won't stop with her. I said in another post. I was fortunate enough to have a few hours fishing with the youngest only last week coz only his school was on strike.

Hmmm looks like I might be getting the youngest or older mixed up but I am hoping you knew what I meant.

Either way, even if the woman doesn't work she is looking after the kids when you are working so a full time situation.

I personally wouldn't try and tell her what she should do when she is with the kids... but I would be worried if she is leaving one out on purpose.

I would concentrate on the time and fun you have with your kidsand make sure they know you are happy to have both of them

Am I doing something wrong asking (I only asked) if she will take the kids on activity they want to do coz I can't only because I'm at work?

Please, please can everyone lay off the poor her needs time off from them!!!

I accept this is bias from me but I work F/T and she doesn't work!! and the children more or less live with me when I'm not at work. And I'm saddened that this had digressed from the issue in my OP into poor mum needing a break. My oldest's 9. He's good at speaking for himself. if he doesn't want to be with her why can't she listen to him? Or only has selected hearing and hears it when it suits her?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"sorry, i have seen it first hand, didnt appreciate it before, tbh, not having kids and having even less to do with children with special needs and learning difficulties.

so saying she doesnt go out to work, and you dont count what she does as work is really low.

that statement really has disappointed me from you. i was actually pretty much with you before that

Disappointed? Please where have I said it's hard work when I have them? They are my children!!

I really do think Ann Oakley is out of date. This needs a separate thread: do you girls want to go to work? Or be 'housewives?'

for the 2nd time you mistake an argument that is against your to be some kind of feminine crusade.

im a bloke.

just because im a bloke doesnt mean i have to back you when i cant see where your ex has gone wrong, simply because i havent heard her side of the story."

Ain't gonna here are you? Why message just to nit pick what I say?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

carry on.

im wasting my time here

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

It's like Jezza

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"carry on.

im wasting my time here"

Takes all sorts

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Am I doing something wrong asking (I only asked) if she will take the kids on activity they want to do coz I can't only because I'm at work?

Please, please can everyone lay off the poor her needs time off from them!!!

I was trying to be objective and seeing it from both sides, but sadly you don't see that and to be honest, I am not sure you will see both sides and that will become a big problem if you let it.

Either way I can't answer questions that you really should be asking your ex as only she can answer them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldn't agree more!(I am shocked) Is that really you saying that or has someone hacked your profile??

Me, and probably now blocked by every female on the forums! But hey ho.

why would they all block you, youre one of the funniest men on here."

So THAT'S why i keep getting replies saying "get to feck ya clown"!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is quite sad.

As someone else posted earlier a member of the sisterhood being put to the sword in this manner would have probably seen the Fab servers crash as support for her flowed in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is quite sad.

As someone else posted earlier a member of the sisterhood being put to the sword in this manner would have probably seen the Fab servers crash as support for her flowed in

And i'm starting to regret that post already! My in-box has never seen so much dust before! How do you get rid of tumbles btw?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is quite sad.

As someone else posted earlier a member of the sisterhood being put to the sword in this manner would have probably seen the Fab servers crash as support for her flowed in

its nothing to do with crucifying a bloke thats looking after his kids, and everything to do with not hearing both sides of the story, and that would stand for a bloke, a woman, a pigmy hippo or a one armed belgian with an inferiority complex.

why is this point so bloody difficult for people to understand?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is quite sad.

As someone else posted earlier a member of the sisterhood being put to the sword in this manner would have probably seen the Fab servers crash as support for her flowed in

And i'm starting to regret that post already! My in-box has never seen so much dust before! How do you get rid of tumbles btw?

googled it.

canistan does the trick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is quite sad.

As someone else posted earlier a member of the sisterhood being put to the sword in this manner would have probably seen the Fab servers crash as support for her flowed in

And i'm starting to regret that post already! My in-box has never seen so much dust before! How do you get rid of tumbles btw?

My inbox is not in use so it has no effect on me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldn't agree more!(I am shocked) Is that really you saying that or has someone hacked your profile??

Me, and probably now blocked by every female on the forums! But hey ho.

Not all females are man haters you know.....

But we clearly have one in the house

(thread closed by moderator)

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Am I doing something wrong asking (I only asked) if she will take the kids on activity they want to do coz I can't only because I'm at work?

Please, please can everyone lay off the poor her needs time off from them!!!

I was trying to be objective and seeing it from both sides, but sadly you don't see that and to be honest, I am not sure you will see both sides and that will become a big problem if you let it.

Either way I can't answer questions that you really should be asking your ex as only she can answer them."

You implied I was 'telling her' what to do. Soz but you did. That's why I asked coz you were criticising me for asking ( I emphasise only asking) her to do something purely for the sake of the children. I can accept constructive criticism.

FTR and not really connected to my OP she has called me several times when she has had problems with her car and she occasionally cuts my hair when she drops the kids off (feel I need to say it's me who who picks up and drops off most of the time). Things are as good as they can be between a divorced couple. Communication isn't an issue.

Will take post down soon. It's helped to get it off my chest. Thanks for all replies. Even the naff wind up ones.

Sad it's turned in a bashing me post but it's no more than I expected. This is the view we have been conditioned into at this moment in time. Things will change but regrettably too late for my children

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why is this point so bloody difficult for people to understand?"

The point is fully understood

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldn't agree more!(I am shocked) Is that really you saying that or has someone hacked your profile??

Me, and probably now blocked by every female on the forums! But hey ho.

Not all females are man haters you know.....

But we clearly have one in the house

At least one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is quite sad.

As someone else posted earlier a member of the sisterhood being put to the sword in this manner would have probably seen the Fab servers crash as support for her flowed in

And i'm starting to regret that post already! My in-box has never seen so much dust before! How do you get rid of tumbles btw?

googled it.

canistan does the trick"

Feck me, and i've just went and got pledge!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is quite sad.

As someone else posted earlier a member of the sisterhood being put to the sword in this manner would have probably seen the Fab servers crash as support for her flowed in

And i'm starting to regret that post already! My in-box has never seen so much dust before! How do you get rid of tumbles btw?

googled it.

canistan does the trick

Feck me, and i've just went and got pledge!

no, thatll only give it a plush shine

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By *igjob01Man
over a year ago

near newtownards

To the OP I know what your saying in your original post. My own son is autistic and spends huge amounts of time with me, my daughter also spends lots of time with me from my own experience my son had stronger attachments to me than his mother and to the people with no experience of autism this means I can get him to do stuff his mother can't. He spends more time with me simply because his mother finds him difficult to deal with, I don't know but is this possibly the same in your case? The fact that he openly would rather spend time with me over his mother causes friction between us sometimes but for the greater good we usually can put this aside. I guess what I'm trying to say is that from experience some people can cope with autism better than others and maybe this is the case with your ex? But always remember being a parent to an autistic child is hard work but so rewarding and enjoy every minute you spend with your son.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Am I doing something wrong asking (I only asked) if she will take the kids on activity they want to do coz I can't only because I'm at work?

Please, please can everyone lay off the poor her needs time off from them!!!

I was trying to be objective and seeing it from both sides, but sadly you don't see that and to be honest, I am not sure you will see both sides and that will become a big problem if you let it.

Either way I can't answer questions that you really should be asking your ex as only she can answer them.

I think you are being too sensitive.

Maybe my comment should be rephrased to....you can ask your ex what you want her to do but she doesn't have to agree.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

so is the issue that she isnt looking after your kids the way you think she should be?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Am I doing something wrong asking (I only asked) if she will take the kids on activity they want to do coz I can't only because I'm at work?

Please, please can everyone lay off the poor her needs time off from them!!!

I was trying to be objective and seeing it from both sides, but sadly you don't see that and to be honest, I am not sure you will see both sides and that will become a big problem if you let it.

Either way I can't answer questions that you really should be asking your ex as only she can answer them.

I think you are being too sensitive.

Maybe my comment should be rephrased to....you can ask your ex what you want her to do but she doesn't have to agree.

Of course she doesn't but I was asking her to do something for the children. The school's only down the road from where she lives and she does nothing else 24-7.

I fully understand she's a free independent woman free to live her life as she wants to.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"so is the issue that she isnt looking after your kids the way you think she should be?"

She can do exactly what she wants. And she does. I am giving facts and in no way criticising anything the mother of my children does or doesn't do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

she does nothing else?

can you be certain?

while your at work?

absolutely nothing?

well, you really should ring social services if she is that bad

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"so is the issue that she isnt looking after your kids the way you think she should be?

She can do exactly what she wants. And she does. I am giving facts and in no way criticising anything the mother of my children does or doesn't do. "

yes you are

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"she does nothing else?

can you be certain?

while your at work?

absolutely nothing?

well, you really should ring social services if she is that bad"

Since when had doing Jack been doing anything wrong?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Of course she doesn't but I was asking her to do something for the children. The school's only down the road from where she lives and she does nothing else 24-7.

I fully understand she's a free independent woman free to live her life as she wants to. "

And on that not I am out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"she does nothing else?

can you be certain?

while your at work?

absolutely nothing?

well, you really should ring social services if she is that bad

Since when had doing Jack been doing anything wrong? "

you tell us.

your the one thats saying she is leaving one child out in favour of the other

doesnt take them to after school activities

doesnt bring them to you or pick them up

doesnt do anything other than look after them, which by your posts looks like she doesnt do much of that either, so, why would you NOT be ringing social services?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"she does nothing else?

can you be certain?

while your at work?

absolutely nothing?

well, you really should ring social services if she is that bad"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the problem is with a lot of people, tho they love their children with some disabilities and problem some parents just cant cope, maybe your wife is not doing so much with your son because she simply can not cope with his problems when out in public, so what do you do? all stay in then house? maybe she is doing her best but you just don't see her best as good enough

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"she does nothing else?

can you be certain?

while your at work?

absolutely nothing?

well, you really should ring social services if she is that bad

Since when had doing Jack been doing anything wrong?

you tell us.

I certainly didn't say she doesn't bring them bring them to me or pick them up! This is of no relevance whatsoever to my OP whatsoever. We only live 3 miles apart. I even said she cuts my hair occasionally when she drops them off at mine.

your the one thats saying she is leaving one child out in favour of the other

doesnt take them to after school activities

doesnt bring them to you or pick them up

doesnt do anything other than look after them, which by your posts looks like she doesnt do much of that either, so, why would you NOT be ringing social services?"

Because it would be detrimental to the excellent and essential relationship my children have with their father. And you're still insisting that you know more about what I say than I do.

Thus this post will give you more to chew on.

I have nowhere said she doesn't bring them to me or pick them up. This is of no relevance to my OP whatsoever and you really, really are nit picking, for a change. We only live 3 miles apart and I did say that she occasionally cuts my hair when she drops them off at mine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"she does nothing else?

can you be certain?

while your at work?

absolutely nothing?

well, you really should ring social services if she is that bad

Since when had doing Jack been doing anything wrong?

you tell us.

your the one thats saying she is leaving one child out in favour of the other

doesnt take them to after school activities

doesnt bring them to you or pick them up

doesnt do anything other than look after them, which by your posts looks like she doesnt do much of that either, so, why would you NOT be ringing social services?

Because it would be detrimental to the excellent and essential relationship my children have with their father. And you're still insisting that you know more about what I say than I do.

Thus this post will give you more to chew on.

ah. my apologies, you felt you had to make it known you pick them up and drop them off MOST of the time, not all the time (still, only 3 miles away. hardly a trek across the Andes is it Hannibal)

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I reiterate it's of no relevance. I mentioned she cuts my hair when she occasionally drops them off to quell accusations of a bitter dad who won't communicate. And felt I had to mention I do most of it to stop 'poor her for having to drive 3 miles' messages.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think the problem is with a lot of people, tho they love their children with some disabilities and problem some parents just cant cope, maybe your wife is not doing so much with your son because she simply can not cope with his problems when out in public, so what do you do? all stay in then house? maybe she is doing her best but you just don't see her best as good enough"

Of course it's all me, isn't it? Might as well have made that clear in my OP. I have said we did an activity weekend for disabled children and their families earlier in this post and that we're at local leisure centre tomorrow (me and oldest only it's usually all 3 of us) where it's free every other Saturday for disabled children and their families. Haven't said yet but we a did an activity day at Chasewater Saturday before last. Go fishing sometimes, walks. Another disabled swimming club we've gonw to since the youngest was one. Only time we're in is when it's determined by the weather really. I took the oldest only to Paralimpics. Only because we only had two tickets. I can't say exactly what she does, can I. 'm 99.9% sure it's very little though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not read a the posts, but you seem to be doing the best thing possible

Being a good dad

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!

What a load of crap. We are in a stable relationship and I (mr) is and always have been what you would class as the primary carer. I'm the one that was the house husband when they were young. "

Did you feel silly when you read a later post with me stating about role reversals?

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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

So that's all parenting involves?

Oh dear.

Even in stable relationships, the woman is the primary carer!"

what a horrid generalisation!!! I am comfortable to admit that my daughters father, who I have been split from for 2 years, always was and still is as MUCH of a carer as I am. I'm by no means a 'primary' carer for my child, her father is just as involved with everything as am, and always has been. A good father would be.

To the op. As I don't know your or your wife, I'm not going to comment on the situation except to say do the best you know you can by your son, and I'm sure he will thrive.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

After reading his school book downstairs - He is getting there with his reading. He wouldn't let go when I bedded him until I'd read The Battle of the Knids chapter right to the end. Leaving the great glass elevator racing down and about to crash through the chocolate factory roof.

Sport (swimming, etc) tomorrow before work at 2.30. Just kissed goodbye to my 'friend' who came for a 'coffee' just after I'd bedded him. (; So things ain't that bad.

Just got to me when I picked him up from school and he told me his mum had told him he couldn't go to stop with his grandparents (well her mum and her chap really) because he 'might hit them'. Which certainly isn't the same 9 year old I kissed goodnight and tucked in at 9 o' clock.

Make of it what you will and this just seemed to be the best place just to let out earlier. Which has helped.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"No not at all, my son is Autistic so I know what it's like!

Are u concerned that your son is being left out too much?"

Don't know if you have any siblings. You must know about autism though. My meet yesterday had an autistic son too.

How do you think you'd feel if as you grew up you eventually found out you'd been left out of things and were being excluded from things your sibling does just because you're a bit 'different'?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Every second I spend in the company of my two wonderful children is priceless to me.

And ftr even though the PC gone mad system fails to to recognise it I'm without a doubt just as much of a primary carer to them as their mum

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Every second I spend in the company of my two wonderful children is priceless to me.

And ftr even though the PC gone mad system fails to to recognise it I'm without a doubt just as much of a primary carer to them as their mum "

so you do nothing with them either? lol

see what i did there??

last night you said she did nothing.

now you say she does the same as you, or rather you her.

cant have it both ways now.

just telling it how it is.

you know, the truth as i see it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My oldest son, age 9 is autistic. (Out of respect for him I never mention this when messaging re. meeting up but often chat about my children at meets). Increasingly his mum is doing things without him. I had to have time off work at the beginning of the school summer holidays whilst his mum and granny went away with his younger brother only. After helping me fix my car as soon as I got him from school he’s sat here now playing on my fone. His younger brother is away for the weekend with grandparents.

Just had to get it off my chest. There is no answer/solution except for events to run their course.

if someone treated my son like dat id bonnet the cunts... Dat bitch sudn have kids

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

if someone treated my son like dat id bonnet the cunts... Dat bitch sudn have kids"

Really? That's your considered opinion is it from hearing one side of a story?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I certainly disappeared at the right time yesterday what with the normal "gender appreciation" threads coming out

. Okay I'm being flippant because I can actually see that it makes sense for the majority of us to understand the pitfalls that our own gender may be facing and this in turn may make posts attack or defend the issue in question with gender bias.

However there are also some of us who can see beyond genders and haven't intended to attack/defend the very same issues.

OP when you made your first post I saw a cry from the heart and as such could feel your pain. With my first post I was just hoping you would see an alternative view in hope that would lessen the pain through recognition. The post had a question and a conjecture - zero attacks on yourself but through your venting and ensuing red mist, any suppositions that your ex may be having a hard time of it was taken either as an attack on you or a "poor her" thread. Well, that is how I have read the remaining thread.

We don't know you, your position, your sons, nor your ex. We recognise the need for you to vent (in a controlled environment this is a healthy act). However reacting in a negative way towards suggestions of opening lines of communication with regards to your older son is less healthy. I do understand that you're going to give the thumbs up to anyone who agrees with you (and the immature "if this was blah blah thread then all men would be bastards" which I lovingly called "gender appreciation"

) but hopefully when the red mist settles you'll see it isn't the PC brigade out in force but people caring enough to make suggestions or insights.

You obviously do a great job with your son and long may it continue. What isn't helping are your digs at the ex for "not liking him", "not going out to work", and "finding him too much like hard work (to take him on holiday)". If you come from a point of understanding and this includes the fact you both have different experiences as parents, and as such have different strengths and weaknesses, and different approaches, you may get to understand why she doesn't do all what you do. You are different people and equally his parents. Perhaps the ex needs more support than you (and could find this via support groups for parents? In fact if you two went both of you may find it easier to discover what the other is facing).

You mention your son hits out? This could be a very real fear for your ex-wife and will affect her behaviour towards him.

Once again - good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just had to get it off my chest. There is no answer/solution except for events to run their course.

if someone treated my son like dat id bonnet the cunts... Dat bitch sudn have kids"

Is this a crass example of a keyboard warrior?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I certainly disappeared at the right time yesterday what with the normal "gender appreciation" threads coming out

However there are also some of us who can see beyond genders and haven't intended to attack/defend the very same issues.

) but hopefully when the red mist settles you'll see it isn't the PC brigade out in force but people caring enough to make suggestions or insights.

You mention your son hits out? This could be a very real fear for your ex-wife and will affect her behaviour towards him.

Once again - good luck. "

articulate and sensible and very much what I would like to say.

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By *octor DeleriumMan
over a year ago

Wellingborough

Are you in touch with The National Autistic Society?

They offer a number of short breaks and respite services for parents of children with autism (including Asperger syndrome) up to the age of 19.

Get in touch with them they are really a very helpful organisation.

Doctor Nasty

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To the OP and everyone else in the thread!

My daughter was 2 1/2 when she was diagnosed with severe Autisum, Profound learning difficulties, No speech and Doubly Incontinent.

She is now 14 1/2 and nothing has changed from the above.

I am going to go back a few years to say what has happened to me as a Mother and the Prime carer in her life.

When she was diagnosed i was still with my Ex at the time and was for a further 4 years after. It wasn't a friendly split in any way in fact it was very hostile at the time.

So now i am on my own trapped in the house because she will not go out and also would not let anyone in, She would dominate my life in every way possible which made it very hard for me to get close to her older siblings. If we went out as a family and she kicked off the outing would be cut short and the whole family would then suffer as a result.

Yes there was times when i hated her and i spent more time in tears than anyone could imagine.

Also at this time her dad was having his girls every other weekend and still does, I found that my daughter was always calm when she came back from staying with dad and i had to eat a lot of humble pie to ask him what he does different to me...

His answer was, that he takes no crap from her teats her like a normal child, puts her in her room when she kicks off etc, and when they are out they stay out.

I put this to test one day when i took the girls swimming, again she kicked off because it was far to noisy and out of the blue her sister started crying and said "Mum i don't want to go home i'm enjoying myself" That was the first that she had ever complained.

So i took the youngest out, got her dressed, put her in her special buggy strapped her in so i knew she was safe. I got back in the pool and left her to it.. Yes she kicked and screamed but calmed down in the end. From that point i have got stronger and stronger over the years, and now she towers over me and beats me up on occasions, I turn on her by putting her in her bedroom to calm down. My ex took her for the first time on a plane this year without even thinking about it and she enjoyed every aspect of it.... Me, well that would have been a certain no go area.. But who knows maybe in the future i will be able too!!

Now i can see both sides of the problem here, your Ex i can fully understand why she favors one over the other its just a natural instinct but i am sorry to say needs to toughen up and there is help out there for you both even if you have to fight for it.

Above all else you both have to sit down and work from the same hymn sheet as they say, these children need routine and the better their routine is the more enjoyment you will get out of your child.

You don't say how Autistic your child is, and he/she (for anyone in this position) they will play you off one another without you knowing.

Please sit and chat to one another because this will NEVER get resolved if you don't.

Please PM me if you wish to ask me anything, because of the knowledge that i have picked up over the years, i have gone out of my way to help others that can't cope or won't cope !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Are you in touch with The National Autistic Society?

They offer a number of short breaks and respite services for parents of children with autism (including Asperger syndrome) up to the age of 19.

Get in touch with them they are really a very helpful organisation.

Doctor Nasty"

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

i hope you get support from the fabbers on here .. do as much as you can with son number one.. maybe you feel sometimes its not appreciated . but im sure like the odd ray of sunshine blazing through it all makes sense .. best wishes to you from olov

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Every second I spend in the company of my two wonderful children is priceless to me.

And ftr even though the PC gone mad system fails to to recognise it I'm without a doubt just as much of a primary carer to them as their mum

so you do nothing with them either? lol

see what i did there??

last night you said she did nothing.

now you say she does the same as you, or rather you her.

cant have it both ways now.

just telling it how it is.

you know, the truth as i see it

I said I'm just as much of a primary carer as their mum.

Providing essential love and affection and help with school work, etc.

This is a separate issue form outward bound weekends, sports sessions at local leisure centre. Other jollies the council lay on for disabled children and their families.

Have you got any children?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I certainly disappeared at the right time yesterday what with the normal "gender appreciation" threads coming out

However there are also some of us who can see beyond genders and haven't intended to attack/defend the very same issues.

) but hopefully when the red mist settles you'll see it isn't the PC brigade out in force but people caring enough to make suggestions or insights.

You mention your son hits out? This could be a very real fear for your ex-wife and will affect her behaviour towards him.

Once again - good luck. "

No we are not equal. She gets all the benefits for my children: DLA for the oldest etc. (You really need to get your head around the fact that this is all factual. Not a DIG but stone cold facts. And I have never once said he hits out.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/10/13 00:11:24]

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Are you in touch with The National Autistic Society?

They offer a number of short breaks and respite services for parents of children with autism (including Asperger syndrome) up to the age of 19.

Get in touch with them they are really a very helpful organisation.

I am in tough with the NSA. And I don't want respite from my children thank you very much.

Doctor Nasty"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think this is the best place to discuss it but its not wrong either and you do come across as needing to getting it out.

Though I do feel there's better ways of doing it.

Are you involved with the local autistic parent support group? Or with any local organisations? Or social groups your oldest attends to speak to other parents going through similar. Or there is online groups.

If your not on speaking terms with the ex there is always Barnardos family support for mediation to voice your opinion in meetings & try work together.

Just some ideas for you to think of.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think this is the best place to discuss it but its not wrong either and you do come across as needing to getting it out.

Though I do feel there's better ways of doing it.

If your not on speaking terms with the ex there is always Barnardos family support for mediation to voice your opinion in meetings & try work together.

Just some ideas for you to think of."

I have said in earlier posts that my ex had called on me several times when she has had car problems and she occasionally cut my hair when/if she drops the kids off but for some crazy reason people insist on continuing to have digs at me for not communicating with her. Things are as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

I do lots and lots of things: activities sports, outward bound, wildplay sessions, cinema and bowling laid on by Staffs council for disabled children and their families.

In my experience (and I do have rather a lot) not all but most other parents are stuck up so and sos.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If your ex has your children for the majority of time, is it likely the eldest takes up most of her time, and as such needs to spend quality time with the younger one?

You may be considered the fortunate one in that all the time you spend with the boys is quality because you don't have the day to day stresses...

I've done more than my share of changing nappies and sicked on bedsheets in the middle of the night, thank you.

I don't think that was a snipe at you just maybe trying to help you see how things might not be quite as you see them

Yes. Like you suggested they may need respite.

I'm just not willing to cucify someone just on one side of the story.

How many men truly know what child-rearing is like? Only those whose roles are reversed."

Wrong...any man who isn't selfish knows what it entails. We are not all selfish. There are a lot of us who split our responsibilities 50/50.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think this is the best place to discuss it but its not wrong either and you do come across as needing to getting it out.

Though I do feel there's better ways of doing it.

If your not on speaking terms with the ex there is always Barnardos family support for mediation to voice your opinion in meetings & try work together.

Just some ideas for you to think of.

I do lots and lots of things: activities sports, outward bound, wildplay sessions, cinema and bowling laid on by Staffs council for disabled children and their families.

In my experience (and I do have rather a lot) not all but most other parents are stuck up so and sos. "

Sorry haven't read the thread the whole way through.

If your getting on with the ex why not chat to her about it then? Can't hurt. I'm sure she will have the answers more than anyone on this site.

As for your attitude all other parents are stuck up, really? As a mother of a child with various different needs I cannot say I've met a parent yet that's been that way. Maybe try it. I've always found people outwith don't understand or going through similar, where as parents with additional needs children offload and share what's worked for them etc.

Parent support groups can really actually help parents offload.

Saves me doing it on sites speaking to random strangers that have no idea of my actual situation.

Just a thought!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I have several if not lots of real life experiences which have over time made my opinions of other parents absolutely steadfast.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have several if not lots of real life experiences which have over time made my opinions of other parents absolutely steadfast. "

Not to be rude, you come across as I'm always right, I have so much experience and your perfect, look at everything I'm doing, that my ex isn't.

Maybe concentrate on what your doing.

Since you actually posted to off load on here, expect people to give an opinion and actually try listening, as there was actually some good advice given along this thread, now I've read this back.

I won't be replying again, as obviously you know it all already.

Best of luck with it all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just had to get it off my chest. There is no answer/solution except for events to run their course.

"
unless I'm wrong, is your point that his mum etc isn't including him in stuff she does with his brother and you think it's unfair? If I'm wrong, as I don't know you then I apologize. But I do know, not from experience but from friend's experiences it's not easy for everyone

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I have responded to all posts appropriately and with the exception of my recent comments about other parents which I fully accept ar only my opinions - have given nothing but facts.

The prevalent theme which had emerged from my OP has been: poor mum, who doesn't work, and is doing very nicely on benefits thank you needs help and a break. It's all rather bizarre.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Just had to get it off my chest. There is no answer/solution except for events to run their course.

unless I'm wrong, is your point that his mum etc isn't including him in stuff she does with his brother and you think it's unfair? If I'm wrong, as I don't know you then I apologize. But I do know, not from experience but from friend's experiences it's not easy for everyone "

She seems to have no problem taking DLA

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Deep shit this, not for a sex/swinging site.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have responded to all posts appropriately and with the exception of my recent comments about other parents which I fully accept ar only my opinions - have given nothing but facts.

The prevalent theme which had emerged from my OP has been: poor mum, who doesn't work, and is doing very nicely on benefits thank you needs help and a break. It's all rather bizarre. "

Whilst i heartily agreed with you on earlier posts regarding you letting off steam now n again. It now does look as if you are indeed having a pop at your ex for whatever reasons. And as other posters have said, she isn't here to give her side of the story. So, as that other great scotsman, big Dunc, says, i'm out!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

True. I really did have to get it out on Friday and it did help. Grrrrrring at other 'poor mum' posts on here has helped me too.

I said in my OP there are no answers except for time to take its course. I'm stuffed coz any attempt to get for my oldest what he wants: tp live with me, will only upset the apple-card and jeopardise my children's excellent relationship with their father. Which is by far the most important thing.

Chats I have had with meets off here have helped me quite a lot over the past several months. I have a regular meet who has a grown up son with 'issues'. And a meet I had on Thursday has a son with autism a few years older than my son. Another woman I've 'met' off here a couple of times has an autistic son and daughter.

Had a bust Saturday afternoon (went to Blackpool illuminations and all day (14 1/2 hours) today at work. Will be getting the kids out of school tomorrow for overnight

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I have responded to all posts appropriately and with the exception of my recent comments about other parents which I fully accept ar only my opinions - have given nothing but facts.

The prevalent theme which had emerged from my OP has been: poor mum, who doesn't work, and is doing very nicely on benefits thank you needs help and a break. It's all rather bizarre.

But I'm only responding with the information required in response to other posts and straight away it's twisted into 'I'm having a dig'. Can I help it if my son's mother is in full receipt of DLA for him even though he lives with me half the time?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"I have said in earlier posts that my ex had called on me several times when she has had car problems and she occasionally cut my hair when/if she drops the kids off but for some crazy reason people insist on continuing to have digs at me for not communicating with her. "

Giving advice politely is not having a dig. Communication is more than having your hair cut now and then or fixing a car.

Your last couple of posts suggest that the issue is more that she is getting the DLA for them and you are pissed off because you look after tham as well.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

them *

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"True. I really did have to get it out on Friday and it did help. Grrrrrring at other 'poor mum' posts on here has helped me too.

Had a bust Saturday afternoon (went to Blackpool illuminations and all day (14 1/2 hours) today at work. Will be getting the kids out of school tomorrow for overnight "

What do you mean when said " Other poor mums posts" please explain

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"without knowing you, your ex wife or the whole situation I can only say that its good to get these things off your chest but that it is possible that your ex-wife and younger son need respite.

Good luck to all four of you.

could not have said it better myself . x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Another thing I have pick up on is the fact that you seem to meet others that are in your situation although that is good for getting issues of your chest have you ever stepped back and thought that these ladies are on here to get away from it all.

In my situation I would yes chat about homelife at a social if it was brought up, but as far as I am concerned I am here to escape and be ME and not MUM !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you have a problem she doesnt do as much as you

she claims the benefits she is entitled to (you have an income, she doesnt)

you seem to be willing to split up the children so you can have what you want, which coincides nicely with what you eldest wants, ever thought how your youngest would feel having you take his brother to live with you, but leave him with his mom? probably the same way you feel about your eldest not being taken on holiday with his mom.

you have a better relationship with your son, and have admitted he acts up more for her, than you. do you not think this takes its toll on the woman?

V's sisters kids act up more for their mother than they do when V is looking after them, doesnt mean she doesnt see what little shits they can be, she can just handle them better than her sister.

you say people are having a dig at you, but i havent seen ayone do so, especially not personal.

you seem to have a problem with percepted truth and actual truth, so tell you what, ask you ex wife to join here, let her read the thread, and then give HER version of events, then we would have an even opinion of both sides ad can extract some element of truth from both, because while you are the sole person on here, digging at your ex wife, then the only truth is the one in your head, and no other.

and, the fact i have no kids personally is neither here nor there, and isnt relevant to the criticisms i have of you on this thread.

my point is not that you are a bad father, or a bad person, ou contrair, any father that steps up and has a lot of contact with his kids when his relationship breaks up is decent in my mind, you just seem to have some kind of superiority complex, especially with your opinion of other parents being stuck up.

maybe they just see what a lot of other people see, that you dont seem to

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"you have a problem she doesnt do as much as you

she claims the benefits she is entitled to (you have an income, she doesnt)

you have a better relationship with your son, and have admitted he acts up more for her, than you. do you not think this takes its toll on the woman?

V's sisters kids act up more for their mother than they do when V is looking after them, doesnt mean she doesnt see what little shits they can be, she can just handle them better than her sister.

you say people are having a dig at you, but i havent seen ayone do so, especially not personal.

and, the fact i have no kids personally is neither here nor there, and isnt relevant to the criticisms i have of you on this thread.

maybe they just see what a lot of other people see, that you dont seem to

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By *opinovMan
over a year ago

Point Nemo, Cumbria

Bringing up an autistic child is a lifetime's hard work, and every circumstance is as different as the personalities involved - the child, the parents and siblings ... friends, society. The journey isn't an easy one.

I have an autistic son and I spent many years as a stay-at-home-dad while my partner went to work, and I still take on most of the child rearing duties (so I know for a fact that the sweeping statement that women are always the primary carer is utter bollocks).

Part of the problem is that there are far too many myths accepted as wisdom and far too many people who've seen "Rain Man" and think they know what it means to be autistic. So much crap is spouted in the dumbed-down media about autism, and regurgitated by those who read it and think they know all about it all of a sudden, that it would be decidedly off-pissing if I hadn't learned to ignore it. The truth is that most NTs (neurotypicals, ie. non-autistic people) haven't the first idea of what it's like - including many who purport to be "professionals" in the field.

I know this because I'm also autistic. I've had to endure a lifetime of so-called experts trying to tell me what was going on inside my head and how I might best fit back into society ... all have been so far wide of the mark that I wonder who, exactly, confers upon them the mantle of "expert" and upon what virtue. I've had all the confusion and heartbreak of trying to integrate myself only to be misunderstood or ostracized for being too "shy" or "introverted" or "quiet" or "strange" or "detached" (or whatever the fuck else), whereupon I inevitably say "sod it" and give up trying to buy into all the mainstream bullshit about what it takes to be "happy" or, at the very least, "integrated" - when it's clear to me (and many others like me) that it's more often than not the prejudiced intransigence of NTs that cause a great deal of the unhappiness and disenfranchisement in the first place - and I end up asking to no avail: we accept your shortcomings so why can't you accept ours?

My upbringing was centred around the idea that I should "learn to be normal" when, in fact, I knew from an early age that I was already normal and everybody else was bordering on the insane. As time has gone by, I've realised that NTs are fixated upon the idea that Aspies should aim to be "cured" in order to rejoin society. However, most Aspies would argue that it is the NTs who need to be cured on the strength of the fucked up neurotic society they've created in which anyone who doesn't fit with their idea of "normal" is "damaged" somehow. I try to remind them that my view of the world is every bit as valid as theirs - it's just that I'm looking at things from a slightly different perspective.

That said, you might think that it would be easier to bring up an autistic child if you, yourself, are autistic - but please take my word that nothing could be further from the truth. My son is as different from me, in his view of the world, as I am from most NTs - and I'll admit it was quite a shock for me to realise this. There's no easy path, every person touched is different and the only reason we cope is because we have no choice. I can only suggest you carry on talking with your son and doing whatever it takes to understand, and accept, his different view of the world. When he hits his teens, he's more than ever going to need you to be an understanding friend as well as a supportive dad. Don't be afraid of his differences - embrace them, understand them and, above all, respect them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Bringing up an autistic child is a lifetime's hard work, and every circumstance is as different as the personalities involved - the child, the parents and siblings ... friends, society. The journey isn't an easy one.

Excellent choice of words, you have my admiration as a father that not only has Autism yourself but has also made a huge difference to your sons life... I know because my daughter is in the system that many fathers walk out on their sons on being diagnosed with Autism as they themselves feel failures x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Another thing I have pick up on is the fact that you seem to meet others that are in your situation although that is good for getting issues of your chest have you ever stepped back and thought that these ladies are on here to get away from it all.

In my situation I would yes chat about homelife at a social if it was brought up, but as far as I am concerned I am here to escape and be ME and not MUM !!"

And I thought they were here for sex. Certainly what meet today was interested in. Talked about her teenage daughter a bit and didn't really mention my two

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/10/13 22:00:30]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi

Sport (swimming, etc) tomorrow before work at 2.30. Just kissed goodbye to my 'friend' who came for a 'coffee' just after I'd bedded him. (; So things ain't that bad.

Make of it what you will and this just seemed to be the best place just to let out earlier. Which has helped. "

I'm forwarding this post!

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