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Has anyone got any jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 24/02/10 23:18:08]

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

[Removed by poster at 24/02/10 23:18:31]

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By *ig badMan
over a year ago

Up North :-)

[Removed by poster at 24/02/10 23:18:45]

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

[Removed by poster at 24/02/10 23:19:33]

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By *ig badMan
over a year ago

Up North :-)

[Removed by poster at 24/02/10 23:19:50]

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

We used to live in a big, very old, house, complete with a moat (no, my dad wasnt a politican!).

We had some archeaologists in, and they found that there was a second ditch next to the first.

Apparently this second one was a trap for anyone who got across the first. The house occupants would wait until the potential invaders all got into the second one, and then flood it by releasing gates which allowed water in.

Unfortunately, it seems the first time it was required, the house was over-run, as no-one could find the moat control.!!!!!!!

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By *obbytupperMan
over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a scew for that mirror' No she said 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'

Recession beater -

Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car' Husband replies ' if you'd take it up the ar*e & let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'

One of life's great mysteries -

How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?

I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.

Marriage councellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks co*k '

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two planeloads of volunteers today left Liverpool's John Lennon Airport bound for Haiti to assist with the looting.

~

An old couple decided to ceelbrate their 50th anniversary by revisiting their honeymoon hotel. On the morning of their anniversary they were sitting on the blacony having breakfast, just like they did 50 years ago. The wife says, "This is perfect. 50 years later and I'm still as hot as I was back then!"

The husband looks up and says, "That's probably because your left nipple is in your tea and you right is resting on your bacon."

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston

Man in the bedroom shouts to his girlfriend "come and see my new clock". when she goes in he's lying naked on the bed with a massive hard-on.

She says "that's not a clock" and he replies "it will be when you put two hands and a face on it"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wife says to husband, "Why is it that I always have to suck your cock but you never go down on me?"

Husband replies in a flash, "Coz I can remember being born!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

bought a race horse today

decided to call it MY FACE

dont care if it dosent win

or make me any money

just wont to hear all those posh tarts at ascot shout

COME ON MY FACE

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By *nJ_NW_cplCouple
over a year ago

wirral

[Removed by poster at 26/02/10 16:23:04]

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston

I went to the doctor's today... I said "do you treat alcoholics?" He said "yes of course I do"

I said "any chance of taking me for a pint then, I'm fooking skint!!!!"

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

Whilst watching my wife being fingered by another woman, i decided to do what any man would do.... I had a wank, however the midwife was not happy and had me removed from the delivery room.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with Death...

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

Why did God create woman ?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already!

3 women, one engaged, one a mìstress, & one married. They decide to treat their men by wearing black stockings & suspenders, black leather basque, black knee high boots and a leather face mask.

Later the engaged women says, "My man jumped me and fucked me all night!"

The mistress adds, "Me too. We had wild, dirty sex till dawn!"

The married woman says, "My husband came home, slapped my arse and said, 'What's for tea Batman?'"

A man licking out a prostitute suddenly gets a piece of carrot in his mouth. He spits it out and carrys on, but then gets a pea in his mouth. He spits it out and asks the hooker: "You've got bits of veg in your pussy, r u sick?" She replies: "No, but I think the last bloke was!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's blue and can't turn around in corridors?

A. A girl guide with a javelin through her head!

I'll get my coat

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By *ord and ladyCouple
over a year ago

around Glasgow

tony mobray has 11 jokes

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