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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was in bed with my Japanese girlfriend, when I happened to remark that her fanny was gettin a bit baggy...She lost it & screamed, "You always CLITTYSIZING !!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was in bed with my Japanese girlfriend, when I happened to remark that her fanny was gettin a bit baggy...She lost it & screamed, "You always CLITTYSIZING !!""

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Irishmen in a bar. Murphy says "My local's better than this. In my local you buy 2 drinks & the 3rd's free".

Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free". Paddy says, "That's nothin in my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back & get a shag". "WOW" says the other two "Has that actually happened to you?".

"No" says Paddy, "But it happened to my sister"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Nan said she had no problem in leaving her back door open all day when she was younger...............................................dirty cow!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

80 year old lady at the bar orders a Whisky with two tiny drops of water. Ten minutes later she orders another one. Repeats this several times.

The barman is curious as to why only two tiny drops of water with her whisky and asks her about it.

"Well dahling, when you get to my age whilst one may have learned to hold one's drink, water is a whole different matter."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Two Chinese men break into a distillery..

one asks "Is this whiskey " ? . . . the other says. . . "Yeah, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank".....

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By *renchbambi xWoman
over a year ago

Need to know basis

'20 years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs,

Please do not let Kevin Bacon die'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Teatime in the Marley household.

"How do you like yer sarnies Bob?"

"Wi jammin"

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By *renchbambi xWoman
over a year ago

Need to know basis

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was shagging this woman over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "it's my husband! Quick try the back door"!. Thinking about it, I should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Irish jockey gets a last minute call to ride the favourite in the National. The trainer meets him at the course and tells him. "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks this is the most stupid thing he has heard, that the trainer is mad, but nevertheless promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, finishes strongly but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The jockey thinks he'll be in big trouble so as soon as he sees the trainer he says that he yelled the command but the horse must be deaf.

"Deaf?? DEAF?? He may be blind but he's bloody well not deaf."

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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago

Bridgwater - Somerset


"I was shagging this woman over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "it's my husband! Quick try the back door"!. Thinking about it, I should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day...."

LMAO

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Tommy got kicked out of class today!! The teacher asked him, "if I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to joanne £5 to claire and £5 to Katie, what would you have?? Aparently "3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Tommy got kicked out of class today!! The teacher asked him, "if I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to joanne £5 to claire and £5 to Katie, what would you have?? Aparently "3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer!"

Read this one somewhere else s little while ago lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Frencbambi I had tears of laughter running down my cheeks reading those comments in court.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Went to the doctors and said l was suffering from premature ejaculation. He asked, "How does your wife feel about it?" I said, "She took it on the chin the first time but now it's getting on her tits."

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing.

I said, "Apparently, he said the 'c' word."

She said, "Well that wasn't clever was it?"

I replied, "No... It was 'cu*t'.!"

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By *urvywelshCouple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

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By *urvywelshCouple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

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By *urvywelshCouple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

# 9

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do u call female turtles ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just beat my new Thai wife 6-0 at Table Tennis. This really surprised me, she always claimed that back home she was the best in her club with a Ping Pong ball.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Rules of bedroom golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play normally, one club and two balls.

2. Play of course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the objective is to get the club in the hole while getting the balls as close to the hole without actually going in.

4. For most effective play , the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along at all times.

10. When a new course is being played, players should assure themselves that their match is properly scheduled. Other players have been known to become irate when they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is ready for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission prior to attempting the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to speed up play at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a particular course. Additional assessments are likely to be levied by the course owner, and the rules of play are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue playing several different courses.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Silently I slipped the condom over my erect penis, rolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed , jaw dropping disbelief . . . . . . . . . Then breaking the silence I spoke . . . 'Yes , that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I ran into a back of a car the other day.A gorgeous,leggy blonde got out and said,"Ram me up the arse,why don't you?"And that,Your Hounour,is where I believe the confusion began.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife said,"How on earth are we going to use 9% less gas?""You can stop burning my fucking tea for a start," I replied.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because yer father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, ya fekin idiot!"

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By *aula.ceciliaWoman
over a year ago

Cheltenham

So I decided to re-create the Miley Cyrus video,, you know,, the one where she gets naked and writhes around with loads of sledge hammers and demolition plant? ,, So i got naked, slipped the sledge hammer between my thighs,, and starting to sensuously lick and kiss the end while my friend filmed it. Now I don't know what some peoples problem is but when Miley does it she gets loads of money,, and when i do it ??? Well Fuck you, B&Q, I was leaving anyway!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I walked into the greengrocers this morning and said: "I want to buy every onion that you've got in the shop."

"Every onion?"

"Yes, every onion."

So the greengrocer weighed out all of the onions and asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

I replied, "Is that every onion?"

"Yes sir, see for yourself, the shelf is bare."

"What about in the back? Have you got any more onions in the back?"

"I expect so. I don't usually put all my produce out in one go."

"Fetch all the onions. I want to buy every onion that you've got."

"I've got quite a lot of onions in the back, are you sure you want all of them?"

"Every onion. I want to buy every onion."

So the greengrocer goes into the back and returns with two huge bags of onions. The bags are already pre-weighed so he simply asks, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Is that every onion that you've got?"

"Yes sir, I've emptied the shelves in the shop and my stock room out back. I've got no more onions. You've got all my onions here."

"What about red onions?"

"You want some red onions too?"

"No, I want ALL of your onions. Including the red onions."

So the greengrocer clears his shelves of red onions too. "Did you want all of the red onions from the stock room too?"

"Yes please. I want every onion that you've got."

So the greengrocer fetches a massive bag of red onions from the stock room. "Will that be all now, sir? You've got all of my white onions and all of my red onions. I have no more onions."

"What about salad onions? Spring onions? Pickled onions? Chives?"

"Well, we don't have any pickled onions. I only sell fresh produce. Did you want all of the small onions, too? What about leeks? They are related to onions."

"No. Just onions, thanks. I want every onion that you've got in the shop."

"Chives aren't technically an onion?"

"Then leave the chives and just get me every onion - and I mean EVERY onion - that you've got in the shop."

So the greengrocer clears the shelves of salad onions, spring onions and scallions and empties the stockroom. He even pulls out a handful of wild onions from a section of the shop dedicated to foraging. "That's it, sir. That's everything."

"You definitely haven't got any more onions in the shop?"

And the greengrocer replies....

"That shallot."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/10/13 03:35:28]

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset


"I was shagging this woman over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "it's my husband! Quick try the back door"!. Thinking about it, I should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day...."

Lol

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By *i-shoptonMan
over a year ago

bishopton


"My wife said,"How on earth are we going to use 9% less gas?""You can stop burning my fucking tea for a start," I replied. "

5 stars!!!

Best ever !!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Liverpool are raving about the SAS - Sturridge and Suarez. Manchester United are still trying to come up with a name for

Wellbeck,

Anderson,

Nani,

Kagawa,

Evra,

Rooney and

Smalling

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

New tablet has come out its half viagra half vallium , if you dont get a fuck you dont give a fuck

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By *ecretquestCouple
over a year ago

Merseyside

Guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." Kevin leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door again and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." He leaves.

A week later the guy sticks his head in the shop again and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

He leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some woman in Yorkshire just came up to me with a cigarette in her hand and said,"Have you got a light cock?" I said, "Well it floats in the bath."

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By *ecretquestCouple
over a year ago

Merseyside

Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi,love it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I have, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God... And what about uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

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