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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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THERE ARE AUDIS THEREFORE THERE ARE TOSSPOTS???
Or are there tosspots, and therefore there are Audis? First thing this morning, on my cycle ride into work, I was forced to comtemplate this. One of life's little existential conundrums. But it led me on to this: Are all Audi drivers bell-ends from birth, or do they only become bell-ends when they buy one?
I started to ponder this after one of said bell-ends overtook me where the road narrowed due to a central reservation as I cycled to work. It was only my skill as a rider that stopped me hitting the kerb and seriously injuring myself. I'm currently working in Inverness and it's all downhill to work, so I was doing about 25mph myself. I did cack myself a little bit. So it gets me thinking about every time I've encountered bad manners, impatience or downright twattery on the roads. It's pretty much always a twunt in an Audi. Fortunately Audi have unwittingly devised a simple early warning system for other road users to warn of impending twattage. It's their WWL system (Wanker Warning Lights), or the little curved running lights on the front. Other motorists on seeing these lights in their rear view mirror, or anywhere in their field of vision should take emergency measures to ensure their safety due to the likelyhood of death by moron. I know it used to be the domain of BMW drivers, but they seem to be behaving themselves of late. Possibly the strict order, utter boredom and mind-straining technicality of their vehicles has mentally culled them into conformity.
So are these people genetically disposed to purchase Audis? If we were to look at their DNA strand would we see a little four ring section amongst the double helix shape? If so, then surely we could devise a test that women could take during pregnancy to find this out? So alongside the test for Down Syndrome women could be told if their spawn is liable to grow up to be a bell-end, and give them the right to decide to terminate. I imagine this would cause moral outrage though, and open up the route for terminating potential gingers or munters too. I can't believe that people are programmed genetically to behave like that though, one or two people yes. Jedward, Simon Cowell, Katie Price etc. So I can only imagine it's something more sinister...........
"A man goes to an Audi dealer to look at buying a new car. He's never bought Audi before but likes the look of a few of their models. He talks to the salesman, he seems very nice and pleasant. He couldn't be more helpful and they're offering him a good trade in deal on his car. (He fails to notice the BLACK residue left on the floor where the salesman walks)
He test drives a few, Oh yes it's very nice. Well appointed and laid out, very comfortable. Possibly a bit sporty for him though, he's been used to his Ford Fiesta. He decides to buy one though (there's a deep rumble of thunder as he makes this decision) and tells the salesman, who rubs his hands with glee and makes a strange maniacal laugh. How odd.
He chooses one in a lovely shade of metallic blue. When the time comes to pick it up however, it's BLACK. Proper BLACK, the absence of all light. It shows no reflections. How strange.
He complains to the salesman, who can't apologize enough for the mistake and offers him a cup of tea while he arranges a replacement. The man drinks the tea and suddenly forgets why he was wanting to complain. It must have been about something??
Oh well, it's time to get in his new car and go home. He says goodbye to the salesman who appears to be hanging by his feet from the ceiling now, wrapped in a set of leathery wings. That's rather odd, he never did that before. The man slides into the car and starts the engine. Hmmmm...that sounds nice. He puts it into gear.
Two quivering green tentacles uncoil from the headrest, and like a striking snake attach themselves with a small ring of teeth, just behind each ear. There's a millisecond of intense pain, then nothing but pleasure. They start to pulsate as if a fluid was traveling down them and there's a strange sucking noise. The next thing the man remembers is getting out of the car at home.
How did that happen? Silly me I must be getting old. It must have been such a comfortable effortless ride that it just went by so quickly that's all. That's odd, there are dents on the bonnet, Oh no! But wait, they appear to be healing themselves. Looks like oil flowing into them. That's clever. What will they think of next.....
I love my new car....."
Or it could just be that EVERYONE------I'll say that again, EVERYONE who owns an Audi is a total utter and complete wanker. No exceptions, you have the four rings on your bonnet and the WWL so you're a tosspot. You drive like you're the only one on the roads and have the spatial awareness of a mole. You should be fucked in the head with a large hammer. You may think you're a fucking touring car driver but you're not, you're a fucking insurance salesman who is probably also the other worst sort of human being, a golfer. Most other road users on seeing you in a car wreck would actively try and find the matches to light you on fire, because you probably caused it with your utter cockerry.
Actually this is a rant I wrote over a year ago and posted on a now defunct blog. I was thinking of resurrecting this after literally one person on here asked me to! But I couldn't let a Thursday go by and not rant about something. I just haven't had the time to write a new one this week. Hope it equally offended and made you smile...X |
Nice one though 
