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The Manager Rant

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

All managers must as part of their training have to go through some sort of surgical proceedure to enhance the portion of the brain that creates bullshit. Either that or all the management speak is a clever form of neuro linguistic programming designed to turn a regular rational human being into an absolute drivel spouting bastard who everyone wants to punch, including members of their own family.

I have three prime examples of these spunk trumpets visiting my quiet little job at present and fucking with my existence. From my head office a H+S manager and a project manager, and from the company we subcontract to a freelance H+S management consultant. (He's so good at being a twat he does it 24/7 and gets top dollar for his wankery). In the past two days there has been wilful and pigate use of the following phrases, "inbox me", "how are we to progress this going forward" and "ensure compliance". Fuckers.

I've gone from working alone to being surrounded with a nest of pigs in the space of a week, half my workshop has been taken up with a new project. They decided it was untidy and the floor needs painting because nothing increases productivity more than a nice grey painted floor, also what every workshop needs apparently is a large set of notice boards with something called Key Performance Indicators on it. What in the name of greek buggery are they???? Mine are simple: A, is the customer happy, has maximum equipment availability and servicing is up to date? No=Get fixing shit Yes=Have a cup of tea and chill the fuck out.

Apparently that sort of attitude is not modern enough and I have to have lots of these KPI's. Lots. I hope there's one for the size and consistency of my daily loaf, as at the moment thats an indicator of how stressed I am. I also have to have detailed work proceedures on display too. When I questioned why, the consultant twonk asked "how do you know you're complying with best practice and working to the correct proceedure in line with company policies hmm?". My reply of "well as I'm the most experienced engineer on this equipment I wrote the company policy and maintenance proceedures" didn't seem to phase him and he still wants them. Presumably because he's being paid per bullshit recommendation in his report.

And the worst part of this whole shitstorm that has descended on my quiet life is this: I was asked to come in for an inter_iew for a job next week. As a manager.

I loathe myself now.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

Ok then

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By *ouble_The_DelightCouple
over a year ago

Wakefield

What is the point of posting this?

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Sounds like you work for the same company as me except we have much more than kpi to deal with. Ask him if hes putting a good 5s into place and if the gly is at its optimum then you could ask if the company is thinking the voyager way the fucking list is endless.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Take the new job... Then come back and tell us what the training's like! :P

L

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lol.. Funny post!

Hope the clouds clear and the "justify my existence " managers go back under their stones.

Oh. And are ya sure you want to be one??

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham


"What is the point of posting this? "

Basically he had been allowed to get on with things as he likes it but now management have decided that they want to make some changes and dolls are being thrown out of the pram.

Everywhere gas KPI's now a day's and it's good practice to display tour adherence to them to ensure the workforce know how they are performing. Having policies and procedures up ensure that people have reference points so that if they fuck up you can investigate it properly knowing they have had chance to _iew and re_iew the procedures.

Man up and accept that change happens

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"All managers must as part of their training have to go through some sort of surgical proceedure to enhance the portion of the brain that creates bullshit. Either that or all the management speak is a clever form of neuro linguistic programming designed to turn a regular rational human being into an absolute drivel spouting bastard who everyone wants to punch, including members of their own family.

I have three prime examples of these spunk trumpets visiting my quiet little job at present and fucking with my existence. From my head office a H+S manager and a project manager, and from the company we subcontract to a freelance H+S management consultant. (He's so good at being a twat he does it 24/7 and gets top dollar for his wankery). In the past two days there has been wilful and pigate use of the following phrases, "inbox me", "how are we to progress this going forward" and "ensure compliance". Fuckers.

I've gone from working alone to being surrounded with a nest of pigs in the space of a week, half my workshop has been taken up with a new project. They decided it was untidy and the floor needs painting because nothing increases productivity more than a nice grey painted floor, also what every workshop needs apparently is a large set of notice boards with something called Key Performance Indicators on it. What in the name of greek buggery are they???? Mine are simple: A, is the customer happy, has maximum equipment availability and servicing is up to date? No=Get fixing shit Yes=Have a cup of tea and chill the fuck out.

Apparently that sort of attitude is not modern enough and I have to have lots of these KPI's. Lots. I hope there's one for the size and consistency of my daily loaf, as at the moment thats an indicator of how stressed I am. I also have to have detailed work proceedures on display too. When I questioned why, the consultant twonk asked "how do you know you're complying with best practice and working to the correct proceedure in line with company policies hmm?". My reply of "well as I'm the most experienced engineer on this equipment I wrote the company policy and maintenance proceedures" didn't seem to phase him and he still wants them. Presumably because he's being paid per bullshit recommendation in his report.

And the worst part of this whole shitstorm that has descended on my quiet life is this: I was asked to come in for an inter_iew for a job next week. As a manager.

I loathe myself now. "

We have to have KPI's to conform to the different contracts we deal with, local authorities love them, procedures and policies are there for ISO compliance, for our Company that is, a pain in the backside though, getting people to comply with them is not easy, specialy as like you, they have been doing their job for years and know it back to front.

I feel your pain

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By *taffsfella1Man
over a year ago

Newcastle-under-Lyme

Quality rant!

My manager is off for two days so it's chill out time for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

*removes the word 'Manager' from 300 business cards with a red pen!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OMG.... the term "spunk trumpets" is by far the best thing I've read on forums all year,,,,,

I love it....

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

[Removed by poster at 29/08/13 08:48:48]

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

As a consultant in performance management, I don't feel your pain.

Mostly, the strategic aim is to standardise the infrastructures to drive down operating costs through supply based consolidation and leveraging group spend as well as exploiting best-in-class technologies and practices to provide robust, scalable and agile services with excellent customer experience.

Some may think that & similar is gobblygook taken from the tinternet, they may be right. For me, it's a grand at least.

just thought I would call that one out and leave it there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And it is for this reason that I work for myself. If its broke, I fix it, send invoice, get paid, simples the only kpi I have to adhere to is to get up every morning, once that's ticked I'm golden

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

All over the public sector also..

in the land of the no blame culture, KPI is King..

crock of shite thought up by some folk with no idea usually of how to do the job frontline..

they can then become consultants to tell the managers above how to 'manage' the grass roots workforce..

bullshit doesn't even come close..

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What is the point of posting this?

Basically he had been allowed to get on with things as he likes it but now management have decided that they want to make some changes and dolls are being thrown out of the pram.

Everywhere gas KPI's now a day's and it's good practice to display tour adherence to them to ensure the workforce know how they are performing. Having policies and procedures up ensure that people have reference points so that if they fuck up you can investigate it properly knowing they have had chance to _iew and re_iew the procedures.

Man up and accept that change happens "

I'm sorry, pehaps I should be posting another Kiss, fuck, avoid thread, or whinging about people not replying as they're obviously far more worthwhile than actually having something to say and taking the time to write it out.

The point of my rant was that this job has been ongoing for 6 years, 4.5 of them on a part time basis but my last 18 months full time. And in that time it hasn't seen hide nor hair of a manager because A: the customer has had zero complaints and B: its so far from head office and not in a warm place that no fucker can be arsed visiting.

Then they start a new project, it all goes to ratshit quickly BECAUSE no manager has ever visited and seen the place and it's problems. I became expected to bail them out of the engineering hole they dug themselves, which I did. And then 3 of them show up and decide the problem was there's no KPI notice boards up and the floor's not painted. Rather than a lack of management from the start.

I don't need proceedures up simply because I'm the only one who does this job, I wrote them, and they are in a folder in my manual rack.

I guess I could have worded it better because what I'm really objecting to is crisis management due to the lack of planning at the outset. Happy now?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"As a consultant in performance management, I don't feel your pain.

Mostly, the strategic aim is to standardise the infrastructures to drive down operating costs through supply based consolidation and leveraging group spend as well as exploiting best-in-class technologies and practices to provide robust, scalable and agile services with excellent customer experience.

Some may think that & similar is gobblygook taken from the tinternet, they may be right. For me, it's a grand at least.

just thought I would call that one out and leave it there

"

I'm going to hunt you down, tie you to a floor and slowly and deliberately drive a stilletto heel down your japs eye.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"As a consultant in performance management, I don't feel your pain.

Mostly, the strategic aim is to standardise the infrastructures to drive down operating costs through supply based consolidation and leveraging group spend as well as exploiting best-in-class technologies and practices to provide robust, scalable and agile services with excellent customer experience.

Some may think that & similar is gobblygook taken from the tinternet, they may be right. For me, it's a grand at least.

just thought I would call that one out and leave it there

I'm going to hunt you down, tie you to a floor and slowly and deliberately drive a stilletto heel down your japs eye."

Make sure you paint the floor first Jodie!

*and do a risk assessment of course!

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"As a consultant in performance management, I don't feel your pain.

Mostly, the strategic aim is to standardise the infrastructures to drive down operating costs through supply based consolidation and leveraging group spend as well as exploiting best-in-class technologies and practices to provide robust, scalable and agile services with excellent customer experience.

Some may think that & similar is gobblygook taken from the tinternet, they may be right. For me, it's a grand at least.

just thought I would call that one out and leave it there

"

That is the funniest spunk trumpet response ever. I understood every word and meaning.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Jodie, it's simple. Tell them you need to get Prince II qualified before you communicate with the consultants again.

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By *randub69Man
over a year ago

city


"And it is for this reason that I work for myself. If its broke, I fix it, send invoice, get paid, simples the only kpi I have to adhere to is to get up every morning, once that's ticked I'm golden "

Iam in the same boat. I Keep things simple and it makes my life easy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"As a consultant in performance management, I don't feel your pain.

Mostly, the strategic aim is to standardise the infrastructures to drive down operating costs through supply based consolidation and leveraging group spend as well as exploiting best-in-class technologies and practices to provide robust, scalable and agile services with excellent customer experience.

Some may think that & similar is gobblygook taken from the tinternet, they may be right. For me, it's a grand at least.

just thought I would call that one out and leave it there

I'm going to hunt you down, tie you to a floor and slowly and deliberately drive a stilletto heel down your japs eye.

Make sure you paint the floor first Jodie!

*and do a risk assessment of course! "

I forgot to say, that sort of treatment is usually worth a grand to me too!

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham


"What is the point of posting this?

Basically he had been allowed to get on with things as he likes it but now management have decided that they want to make some changes and dolls are being thrown out of the pram.

Everywhere gas KPI's now a day's and it's good practice to display tour adherence to them to ensure the workforce know how they are performing. Having policies and procedures up ensure that people have reference points so that if they fuck up you can investigate it properly knowing they have had chance to _iew and re_iew the procedures.

Man up and accept that change happens

I'm sorry, pehaps I should be posting another Kiss, fuck, avoid thread, or whinging about people not replying as they're obviously far more worthwhile than actually having something to say and taking the time to write it out.

The point of my rant was that this job has been ongoing for 6 years, 4.5 of them on a part time basis but my last 18 months full time. And in that time it hasn't seen hide nor hair of a manager because A: the customer has had zero complaints and B: its so far from head office and not in a warm place that no fucker can be arsed visiting.

Then they start a new project, it all goes to ratshit quickly BECAUSE no manager has ever visited and seen the place and it's problems. I became expected to bail them out of the engineering hole they dug themselves, which I did. And then 3 of them show up and decide the problem was there's no KPI notice boards up and the floor's not painted. Rather than a lack of management from the start.

I don't need proceedures up simply because I'm the only one who does this job, I wrote them, and they are in a folder in my manual rack.

I guess I could have worded it better because what I'm really objecting to is crisis management due to the lack of planning at the outset. Happy now?

"

Wasn't unhappy before thanks

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By *kywatcherMan
over a year ago

Southwick


"What is the point of posting this? "

It's an unwritten forum rule that Thursday is 'Rant Day' when forum users can get things off their chest (ooer...calm down!!).

Some forum users abuse this unwritten rule and rant on non-rant days.

Top marks Jodie......you have taken ranting yo new heights...

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By *kywatcherMan
over a year ago

Southwick

*to

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"What is the point of posting this?

It's an unwritten forum rule that Thursday is 'Rant Day' when forum users can get things off their chest (ooer...calm down!!).

Some forum users abuse this unwritten rule and rant on non-rant days.

Top marks Jodie......you have taken ranting yo new heights..."

It may not be in the official forum rules but it has been written, several times. Usually on the other days of the week when people rant.

I think what we need is a full procedure manual showing the proscribed format for a posting on the forum, the schema for types of posts and replies and a standard rant template.

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ


"OMG.... the term "spunk trumpets" is by far the best thing I've read on forums all year,,,,,

I love it.... "

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By *eareenaCouple
over a year ago

Rockford


"OMG.... the term "spunk trumpets" is by far the best thing I've read on forums all year,,,,,

I love it.... "

followed closely by "greek buggery" does Jodie have a blog because I want to subscribe

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By *eareenaCouple
over a year ago

Rockford


"OMG.... the term "spunk trumpets" is by far the best thing I've read on forums all year,,,,,

I love it.... "

followed closely by "greek buggery" does Jodie have a blog because I want to subscribe

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By *kywatcherMan
over a year ago

Southwick


"What is the point of posting this?

It's an unwritten forum rule that Thursday is 'Rant Day' when forum users can get things off their chest (ooer...calm down!!).

Some forum users abuse this unwritten rule and rant on non-rant days.

Top marks Jodie......you have taken ranting yo new heights...

It may not be in the official forum rules but it has been written, several times. Usually on the other days of the week when people rant.

I think what we need is a full procedure manual showing the proscribed format for a posting on the forum, the schema for types of posts and replies and a standard rant template.

"

Sounds like a plan

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What is the point of posting this? "

Had no choice, there was a KPI notice on the noticeboard demanding it is done, also can't use the workshop for anything else as the floor paint is wet

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

J0die, I forgot to say that this rant is positively dripping in disdain.

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By *renchbambi xWoman
over a year ago

Need to know basis

Whenever a Manager did his managerial peacock dance 'do as I say not as I do' I'd imagine him/her naked on the toilet having a good old push....cheered me up no end!

I guess that's why my team laughed so much on Mondays' team meetings

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich


"What is the point of posting this?

Basically he had been allowed to get on with things as he likes it but now management have decided that they want to make some changes and dolls are being thrown out of the pram.

Everywhere gas KPI's now a day's and it's good practice to display tour adherence to them to ensure the workforce know how they are performing. Having policies and procedures up ensure that people have reference points so that if they fuck up you can investigate it properly knowing they have had chance to _iew and re_iew the procedures.

Man up and accept that change happens "

You are a "Management Consultant" AICMFP.

Jodie that was a quality rant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Whenever a Manager did his managerial peacock dance 'do as I say not as I do' I'd imagine him/her naked on the toilet having a good old push....cheered me up no end!

I guess that's why my team laughed so much on Mondays' team meetings "

We sleep during ours

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hear this management talk regularly. But wtf is a kpi even my predictive text don't like the abbreviation lol

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

Key Performance Indicator

Or bollocks in english

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Key Performance Indicator

Or bollocks in english "

Thank you for the interpretation think bollox is right lol I will stick to driving my truck

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By *oole2010Couple
over a year ago

southampto

kpis, key performance indicators welcome to what everyone else has had to start coping with for the last few years.

seriously thought i can see where your coming from health and safety is a good thing it stops people getting hurt or killed,however, there are those that have never actually done the job that you may be doing,so a lot of them just come out with the attitude,thats what it says in the book or the computer reckons we can double the output,

basically,some are a bit short of common sense, and theres numeruos times when i have turned round and said ok hows that gonna work,you show me and we will do it ,(im a general foreman for a utilities company ) perhaps you need a new floor because if it gets wet, it could be slippy, which is a good thing.

however i often find if i talk to these people about certain things on the job we are doing, sometimes they see my point and we work together on a solution, i can sometimes be in charge of fifty people and i as far i am concerned i do not want to be the one to have to go round someones house and tell his wife and kids that hes not coming home, at the end of his shift.

there is no price on safety

sorry that turned into a bit of a rant apologies just trying to get my _iew across

and before the grammar police intervene,im not good at grammar never was, its just the way i am, but i try my best

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like you need Karl Pilkington's Bullshit Man

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What is the point of posting this? "

Because he wants too! What was the point of your post?

We all have to rant now and again!!!

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By *renchbambi xWoman
over a year ago

Need to know basis


"Whenever a Manager did his managerial peacock dance 'do as I say not as I do' I'd imagine him/her naked on the toilet having a good old push....cheered me up no end!

I guess that's why my team laughed so much on Mondays' team meetings

We sleep during ours "

You're missing a great opportunity to look at your workmates AND your manager and take the piss out of them.....internally of course!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What is the point of posting this? "

Aww, that's not kind. Maybe don't reply if the post doesn't interest you?

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By *icolerobbieCouple
over a year ago

walsall

I wish I hadn't read this thread...

felt like I was back at work.

if anyone mentions "touching base" I'll scream

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ


" Maybe don't reply if the post doesn't interest you?"

I find gateposts quite interesting

*courtesy of the useless information department*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

dont forget the old saying

if you cant dazzle them with diamonds

baffle them with bull shit

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By *nnyMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Apologies for dragging this off at a tangent but is anyone else as pissed off at football managers greetin' like wee lassies when they don't agree with a referee's decision?

Nowadays it seems to be the only way a manager will get any post match tv coverage is to berate the ref for some mistake, real or imagined (or for living too close to the ground of one team or the other).

BTW, it isn't just football. Tennis players, rugby coaches and more are at it nowadays in a way they never were before.

Grow up guys.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

I wasn't going to read this, as I though it was just about football, then luckily I saw J0die's name and knew it would be worth a read.

Thoroughly enjoyable and I feel for you. Have you considered just chucking all of the notice boards in the skip when no one is about?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I wasn't going to read this, as I though it was just about football, then luckily I saw J0die's name and knew it would be worth a read.

Thoroughly enjoyable and I feel for you. Have you considered just chucking all of the notice boards in the skip when no one is about? "

No didnt do that. But a few weeks after this rant the boards went up next to my test bay. They promptly festooned them with waffle.

I work on aircon units and had one I'd just fixed ready to test. The air-out duct was facing the board and I quite innocently switched it on (seriously, I was stressed and forgot where it was pointing).

Took me 15 mins to pick up all the laminated sheets from where they landed.

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By *r IntriguedMan
over a year ago

wickford

Wait til some twat starts ranting about achieving synergy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jody... Have you got the autonomy to carry on with your air con unit testing?

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