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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, they were just about to have sex on the couch when he could feel the cold barrel of a gun on his neck...

Before he could turn around her father said,

"If your a real lorry driver you'll be able to back out of there with a full load"

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Chelsea's goalkeeper applied for a job at Tesco's.

But it didn't cech out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws, a comma has a pause and the end of a clause.

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

My Doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often.

Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke anytime.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife hates her new hat. Every time she puts it on a voice shouts "Slytherin!"

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset


"My wife hates her new hat. Every time she puts it on a voice shouts "Slytherin!""

Lol

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By *ree8iveMan
over a year ago

CORNWALL

Mickey Mouse goes to a divorce lawyer...

The lawyer says ' sorry Mr Mouse, you can't divorce Minnie just because she has buck teeth'

'Who said anything about buck teeth' says Mickey.....

'I said she was fucking goofy!!'

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By *ordonBennettMan
over a year ago

dover

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary code and those who don't.

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By *ickedxxxCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

An apprentice mortician is asked to clean down a beautiful women who has just passed away. After a while the apprentice returns to the office an says "excuse me but I have a small problem" the mortician takes the boy

aside and ask him what the problem is . "Well he says I began to clean her down like you asked but when I got to the lower half there appears to be a welk stuck between her legs".the mortician starts to laugh but after a while he remembers his place and does not want to offended the boy anymore "well lad what you saw was the women's clitoras as a women gets older and after children they can pop out a bit so don't worry about it and carry on with what your doing." the mortician walks of laughing to himself and the boy returns to his job and mutters to himself "well it tasted like a welk anyway!"

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.

"Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.

"Why because none of them have a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man that wears paper trousers........ Russell

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.

"Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.

"Why because none of them have a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why".

"

Or as Randy Newman put it, back to your own miserable country.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head?

Reg.

What does he call his brother?

R Reg.

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By *etsdance1987Man
over a year ago

Runcorn

My wife laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My wife laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should of seen her face when I drove pasta. "

I can't stop laughing at this!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

THE PERFECT HUSBAND...bloody good this one

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on

a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and

begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I

saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£37,000.";

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and

found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

They're asking £570,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll

probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's

what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him

in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A brothel owner in Portsmouth hears that a Warship is due in full of sailors who have been away 8 months.

He sees the opportunity to make a few quid but doesn't have time to employ anymore "ladies" at short notice.

So he decides to buy 6 blow up dolls and remove the light bulbs in 6 rooms.

The ship docks, randy sailors pour in and very soon his real girls are taken.

The next guy is told, "your girl is in room 6 at the top, the lights are off as she is very shy and she won't want to speak but she'll take all you have"!

The sailor goes up to room 6 and ten minutes later he's back down at reception.

Brothel owner: "Everything ok mate"?

Sailor: "Not really...I didn't realise she would be quite so shy... I only bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out of the window"!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Doctor: "I've got some good news and some really bad news. The good news is you only have a week to live."

Patient: "Bloody hell, what could be worse news than that?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you for the last 6 days."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why was the blonde trapped in her hotel room all week?

The sign on the inside the door said Do Not Disturb.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My neighbour confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants!!!

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Pulled a gypsy bird last night, she asked me back to hers for a good time,

she wasn't fucking kidding!

I went on the dodgems, waltzer, ghost train and went home with a goldfish...

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

My new girlfriend said I will have to wait six months before she'll suck my cock. I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to Blockbuster last night and said " Can i have Batman Forever please "

The assistant replied " No you can have it for the night like everyone else ! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Gypsy girl is getting married and her mum says, Tonight your new husband is going to put his most prized possession where you pee.

Don't be daft says the girl... he'll never get his transit in our caravan sink!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Velcro - What a rip off !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the difference between vitamins and hormones?

You cant hear vitamins.

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By *ossnsecretaryCouple
over a year ago

Epsom

I had a letter from Screwfix today.

They regret to inform me that they are not a dating agency.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Some things you just have to throw money at. Toddlers having a tantrum when you only have £1 coins isn't one of them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Some things you just have to throw money at. Toddlers having a tantrum when you only have £1 coins isn't one of them.

"

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By *arma duoCouple
over a year ago

Hull

What do you call a guy with two rabbits hanging out of his arse???.....Warren!!...haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Our small town held their Summer Fayre this weekend just gone.

Results of the fancy dress parade were :

3rd : A young boy with a mouthful of custard who went as a boil.

2nd : a coloured guy who went as a tripod.

1st : a woman with varicose veins who went as a road map.

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By *ree8iveMan
over a year ago

CORNWALL

Apparently IKEA are now offering Lesbian Beds.......no nuts or screwing, its all tongue and groove....

I've been banned by Screwfix Direct...

Apparently its not a swinging site...

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley


"Apparently IKEA are now offering Lesbian Beds.......no nuts or screwing, its all tongue and groove....

I've been banned by Screwfix Direct...

Apparently its not a swinging site..."

Very witty

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By *ree8iveMan
over a year ago

CORNWALL


"Apparently IKEA are now offering Lesbian Beds.......no nuts or screwing, its all tongue and groove....

I've been banned by Screwfix Direct...

Apparently its not a swinging site...

Very witty "

Thanks!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" My Doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often.

Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke anytime.

"

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By *atcoupleCouple
over a year ago

Suffolk - East Anglia


"THE PERFECT HUSBAND...bloody good this one

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on

a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and

begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I

saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£37,000.";

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and

found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

They're asking £570,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll

probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's

what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him

in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?""

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By *atcoupleCouple
over a year ago

Suffolk - East Anglia

When I was at school my teacher said I was really thick!

Well as we were both naked and she was lying on top of me at the time, I took it as real compliment.

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By *itboyslim2Man
over a year ago

stevenage


"

Our small town held their Summer Fayre this weekend just gone.

Results of the fancy dress parade were :

3rd : A young boy with a mouthful of custard who went as a boil.

2nd : a coloured guy who went as a tripod.

1st : a woman with varicose veins who went as a road map. "

Dont forget about premature ejaculation bloke - He just came in his pant

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By * and K coupleTV/TS
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

WALLET SCAMS WARNING AT ASDA!! Whilst packing your shopping away you may be approached by 2 gorgeous 18 year old eastern European girls, in tight tops and short skirts, they clean your windscreen while pressing their tits against it, they ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment, on the way there they perform oral sex on each other then one climbs in the front and gives you a blow job while the other steals your wallet, I had mine stolen on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and twice on Sunday and again today, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED BE CAREFUL!!

Ps... they sell wallets for 99p in pound Land

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Okay son here's another riddle, what has four legs but isn't alive?"

"A chair! Nice try da-"

"It's your dog. Spot's dead, Billy."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy had his arm amputated and was feeling suicidal.

He climbed to the top of a multi storey car park and was about to jump. As he was about to leap he saw a man with no arms at all skipping down the street whistling.

The guy thought to himself, how selfish am i, I only lost one arm he has lost both and he is so happy.

He runs down to the street and says to the guy..thank you youve saved my life I lost one arm and felt suicidal, youve lost both and your skipping, whistling and deleariously happy.

The gyy replied Im not happy my fucking arse is itching like mad and I cant scratch it

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By *ree8iveMan
over a year ago

CORNWALL

You hear a lot about fakes and gold diggers...I had a lucky escape last year..

Was seeing this lady and got to the 'lets have fun' date...

As she was in the bathroom, I snuck a look in her bedroom furniture and found a nurses outfit, a policewomans outfit and a French maids outfit...

I thought, huh, if she can't hold down one steady job, she's not my type!

Made an excuse and left....lucky escape I reckon!

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By *urvywelshCouple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

Meeting my next door neighbour yesterday, he introduced himself saying,

"Hi, my name's Fucking Dave Bastard Twatting Smith."

"Blimey, you got Tourette's?" I asked.

"No", he replied. "The vicar who christened me did."

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By *urvywelshCouple
over a year ago

Everywhere and nowhere baby

I looked out of the window today and there was a dog sat on a chair behind a desk, using a laptop computer.

I shouted to my wife, "Next door's dog is doing it's fucking business on our lawn again!

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

My sex change operation from male to female, went really well yesterday.

It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the fucking hospital car park!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A burglar broke into a young couples home and tied both of them up face down on the bed......he lay beside the wife and began whispering in her ear and then went into the bathroom.

While alone the husband said to his wife. Let him have his way love and we will live. Be strong and remember i love you.

She said youve got it wrong. He whispered in my ear hes gay and he thinks your cute and asked where we kept the vaseline....... Be strong my love i love you too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

two flies playing football in a saucer, one fly says to the other, "you'd better play better than this next week"

"why?",says the second fly

"because, we're in the cup"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two blondes walk into a building,....you'd have thought one of them would have noticed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My wife laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should of seen her face when I drove pasta. "

Hahahahahaha love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


""Okay son here's another riddle, what has four legs but isn't alive?"

"A chair! Nice try da-"

"It's your dog. Spot's dead, Billy."

"

Hahaha

Oh Damn!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two flies on a dog do, third fly lands. Not seen you for a while said one of the two.... no I have been on the sick replied the third....

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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago

Bridgwater - Somerset

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter,

"This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated

in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" the owner replied.

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By *azzaahhWoman
over a year ago

north wales / chester

What do you get if you cross a woman with pmt and GPS ???

a moody woman whose sure to find you

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By *oppy2chubbyCouple
over a year ago

yeovil

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/09/13 09:23:54]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i was working in a restaurant and this black woman came in and asked if there was chicken on the menu.

i said 'no, Black Betty, its ham or lamb!

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Man and wife are out shopping together.

Wife sees some shoe's she wants but her husband says NO WAY, They're way to expensive.

"Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes pussy She says,

"I don't fucking think so mate!

If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then you ain't fucking riding it!!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why do you never see women working on road gangs?

cuz theyre sick of getting their asphalt

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Me and the wife's favourite sexual position is called the "England football team" Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication and we never make it past the first stage.

There's horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet. It's over far too quickly and when it does end I know it'll be at least another four fuckin years before it happens again!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A group of nuns are exercising in the yard with pushbikes. after a while mother superior comes out saying 'ok girls in we come for prayers now'

'oh no just another 5 minutes please' pleads sister Mary.

'no Mary, get back in now or I'll put the saddle back on!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An elderly couple were watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to the kitchen to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old man said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied hubby. A few minutes later, he returned with bacon and eggs.

His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One day Mrs Brown confided in her cleaner that she thought her husband was shagging his secretary.

"You're nasty you are" said the cleaner "you're only saying that to make me jealous."

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

As the new gay rights legislation takes effect, the F.A today genuinely issued this statement."If any player declared their homosexuality, we would be right behind them."

You couldn't fuckin make it up could you!

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By *ev and TrevCouple
over a year ago

cardiff


"i was working in a restaurant and this black woman came in and asked if there was chicken on the menu.

i said 'no, Black Betty, its ham or lamb!"
i like this 1 lol. started singing the song as well lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"why do you never see women working on road gangs?

cuz theyre sick of getting their asphalt"

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By *uud 4-funMan
over a year ago

Dartford


"A group of nuns are exercising in the yard with pushbikes. after a while mother superior comes out saying 'ok girls in we come for prayers now'

'oh no just another 5 minutes please' pleads sister Mary.

'no Mary, get back in now or I'll put the saddle back on!'"

Would that be the same nuns who rode their bikes down a cobbled street and one said to the other 'I've never come this way before'

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

I woke up in hospital after a bad accident. There was a gorgeous nurse standing over me, she said "You may not feel anything from the waist down"

I said "Can I feel your tits then?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was out with the wife last night,and as we walked past a resturant she said "did you smell that it smelt realy nice" so i thought to myself fuck it i'll treat her for once ,so we walked past again !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They say "you are what you eat" so obviously Im a cunt.

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

What do you call a brown fingered painter?

Piccasole

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it.he turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast.He says,"oh,I'm so sorry.If your heart is as soft as your breast,I hope you will be able to forgive me".She looks at him a few secounds and says,"thats ok,if your cock is as hard as your elbow,I'm in room 204...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man lying in bed with his new Thai wife,She keeps stroking his willy. he says " Do you really like my willy that much"? "No" she replies i just miss mine......

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By *anda man.Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Two Rookie Coppers both Irish on night duty in Manchester...about 2a.m first Copper finds a dead body...second copper says "You found it.you have to write the report not me"..."Suppose so!..How do you spell Piccadilly then?

"Er!!!...... P.I.K.U.R.D....oh fuck it..lets drag him into Tib Street"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I accidentally called 999 from my new phone last night.

So I set fire to the house, I'm not going to look an idiot.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A group of nuns are exercising in the yard with pushbikes. after a while mother superior comes out saying 'ok girls in we come for prayers now'

'oh no just another 5 minutes please' pleads sister Mary.

'no Mary, get back in now or I'll put the saddle back on!'

Would that be the same nuns who rode their bikes down a cobbled street and one said to the other 'I've never come this way before' "

Must the same two nuns sharing a bath, the nun says "where's the soap",......"yes it does, doesn't it!!" replied the other.....

(Where, wear)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There was a couple who were married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset, and screams, "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids

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By *yphoon1Man
over a year ago


"My wife hates her new hat. Every time she puts it on a voice shouts "Slytherin!""
lol

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By *yphoon1Man
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/09/13 21:17:54]

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

My wife left me because of my Beatles obsession.

Yesterday.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" My wife left me because of my Beatles obsession.

Yesterday.

"

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By *eaboMan
over a year ago

marden

I was out shopping yesterday and I bought myself a ring binder.??I haven't been able to have a shit since.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if you all want a good laugh go to stories and fantasy forum and read "pocket taser" you will piss yourselves .. its on page 2 at the moment

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

I was in bed with my Japanese girlfriend, when I happened to remark that her fanny was getting a bit baggy...

She lost it and screamed,

"You always CLITTYSIZING!"

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By *ashful Baz OP   Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

The wife asked how many women have I slept with?

I replied, "Only you, all the others kept me awake all night shagging!"

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By *yphoon1Man
over a year ago


"An apprentice mortician is asked to clean down a beautiful women who has just passed away. After a while the apprentice returns to the office an says "excuse me but I have a small problem" the mortician takes the boy

aside and ask him what the problem is . "Well he says I began to clean her down like you asked but when I got to the lower half there appears to be a welk stuck between her legs".the mortician starts to laugh but after a while he remembers his place and does not want to offended the boy anymore "well lad what you saw was the women's clitoras as a women gets older and after children they can pop out a bit so don't worry about it and carry on with what your doing." the mortician walks of laughing to himself and the boy returns to his job and mutters to himself "well it tasted like a welk anyway!""

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