FabSwingers.com forum: regional jokes

By *layfullsam OP Man
over a year ago

Solihull

keep them friendly

Why should you never ask a person if they come from Yorkshire?

Because if they are not from Yorkshire, they'll be insulted. And if they are from Yorkshire, they'd have told you already.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ed Balls. MP for Morley i believe.

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By *amslam1000Man
over a year ago

willenhall

my mates from yorkshire but he is dislexic

last week i saw him in town and he had a cat flap on his head

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Farmer in Devon has sucessfully grown a field of vibrators...

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.

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By *renchbambi xWoman
over a year ago

Need to know basis

"Farmer in Devon has sucessfully grown a field of vibrators...

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.

RFLMAOoooooooooo!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Farmer in Devon has sucessfully grown a field of vibrators...

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Police had all their toilets stolen search for thieves were called off police said they had nothin to go on

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By *issBehavingxxWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

Paddy and Mick are on a roller-coaster

Mick says, "If this turns upside down, d'ya think we'll fall out?"

"Of course not," Paddy replies, "we've been mates for years!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a scouser in a suit

By his first name, don't be nasty to the loverly people of Liverpool , it's not nice

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By *atisfy janeWoman
over a year ago

Torquay

What do you call a scouser wearing a suit in Torquay?

The accused

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

NORTHERNERS

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, resting. He enquired of God,

'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I’ve put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. 'That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,

'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely,

'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South to Govern the country

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

Two Brummie girls are in the bullring when an American tourist approaches and asks to take a photo.

He's taking a long time and the one Brummie say's to the other " Ay yam what's tekking soo lung"

Her freind explains " I think he's trying to focus"

The first Brummie replies " He better bleedin buy us dinner first"

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I asked my new Welsh boyfriend how many sexual partners he'd had...he started counting, but fell asleep

Note: this would work as well for Cumbrians

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why wasn't Jesus born in Sunderland?

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin...

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By *layfullsam OP Man
over a year ago

Solihull

A northerner is someone who can't stand southern accents, but have obviously never had to listen to themselves talk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"my mates from yorkshire but he is dislexic

last week i saw him in town and he had a cat flap on his head

dislexic ?......... so he's not Dyslexic then?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fer starters tha's gorra talk reight Queens England ......... "just like we used to be able to could"

Gerrit reight "fer f*cks sake"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This road walks into a bar, shouts at the barman "AM THE HARDEST ROAD IN GLESGA! GEEZ A PINT", barman gives the pint and the road sits down.Next, another road walks in, "AM THE 2ND HARDEST ROAD IN GLESGA! GEEZ A PINT", and sits down with the other road.

Next, this small skinny road walks in and asks the barman, "c,c,can i have a pint of milk please?", the barman looks over at the two hardest roads who are cowering away and hiding their faces and he wonders whats up.The skinny road finishes his pint and heads out, so the barman asks the two hardest roads whats their problem with the skinny road.

The hardest road says, havent u heard??? he's a CYCLEPATH!

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

A Londoner, working up north, parks his brand new Porsche in front of the

office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a

truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door

before screeching off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the

police. Five minutes later, a policeman arrives and before he has a chance

to ask any questions, the Londoner starts screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at

the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Londoner finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head

in disgust, "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,"

he says. You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice

anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Londoner.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off

when the truck hit you?"

The Londoner looks down in absolute horror ....."F**king hell!!" he

screams....... "Where's my Rolex?!"

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"

"No," replied the man "I am from London."

"So boyo" said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"

"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.

"A taxidermist?" asked the barman "What's one of them then?"

"Well" replied the man "I mount animals."

The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"

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By *ibbyhunterCouple
over a year ago

keighley

in the war of the roses a group of lancs heard a voice over the hill say 1 yorkshireman can take 100 lancs,so they charged over the hill,but non came back,the same thing happened the next day .but 1 man came back,when he bumped into a group of lancs he shouted run lads he lied there,s 2 of them.

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By *issBehavingxxWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

"I asked my new Welsh boyfriend how many sexual partners he'd had...he started counting, but fell asleep

Note: this would work as well for Cumbrians

And Aberdonians

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

this crab walks into a bar and asks for a pint and the barman says no.The crab getting quite annoyed asks does he have something against crabs.The barman replies, "Naw, but u were in here last week giving it aw that"

*its a visual joke..u have to raise ur hands like crabs claws and pinch a few times

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

New drug craze in Yorkshire.

Police say new craze involves injecting ecstasy between the teeth.

Its called;-

E-BY-GUM

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The makers of hit TV show ER have commissioned a new series set in Somerset. It'll be called Oooh R

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

David Attenborough is trekking through the Peruvian jungle in search of a remote tribe who are reputed to eat a rare delicacy on very special occasions called 'Poi'

The expedition team spend several days hacking their way through dense vegetation, crossing dangerous rivers, climbing up and down mountains and trying not to get eaten by the wildlife.

Eventually they manage to find a jungle inhabitant who agrees to take them to the elusive tribe- and after another three days of trekking and hacking though the undergrowth until they finally reach the tribes village.

Exhausted, David begs the village chief to let him try the legendary Poi and after some discussion and offering various goods the chief agrees.

He summons one of his warriors and jabbers away in their native tongue- pointing in the direction of the villages main building. The warrior rushes off and quickly returns with a skinny white guy wearing an old, greying, tatty chefs uniform.

The chief speaks to him briefly and gestures in the direction of Mr Attenbourgh. The guy looks over and suddenly speaks in a Black County accent "awlright mate- the chief says yow want ter try some Poi?"

"Yes, Yes" says David excitedly "we've trekked for over a week just to sample this wonder delicacy"

"Bloody ell- yow must be really hungry aer kid" says the yamyam "Wot poi do yer want to try? we have steak and kidney poi, chicken and mushroom poi......"

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By *uroladiesCouple (FF)
over a year ago

Edinburgh

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Aberdeen.....

A leisure centre!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a famous linguistics professor gives a talk in a glasgow university telling the students,“In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative.”

To which a Glaswegian voice replies: “Aye. Right.”

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

"a famous linguistics professor gives a talk in a glasgow university telling the students,“In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative.”

To which a Glaswegian voice replies: “Aye. Right.”"

Bloody love that yan Paddy (it's made my nips hard, before you ask, ya perve)

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

A bloke is on a bridge over the Mersey and shouts "I'm jumping in and nobody better try and save me" he jumps in, right after there is another splash and someone is swimming after him. He says "I said I didn't want to be saved" the other bloke says "I'm not trying to save you I want to know where you work

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

now we can't leave the welsh out can we

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"

"No," replied the man "I am from London."

"So boyo" said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"

"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.

"A taxidermist?" asked the barman "What's one of them then?"

"Well" replied the man "I mount animals."

The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"What do you call a scouser wearing a suit in Torquay?

The accused

Mary was going to give birth in Torquay but they couldn't find three wise men or one virgin !

What do you call a Devonian in a detached house ?

A burglar.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Subject: Amish elevator.....Priceless !

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

Go get your mother!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

According to reports in the Barnsley Gazette, the local police force are to reduce their staffing levels by closing the CSI unit. When asked why by the reporter, the Chief Of Police said , round here its a very close knit community and everyone appears to be related as they all have the same DNA

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

Noddy Holder walks into a tailors in Saville Row and say's 'Oiright mate, can you do one of those seventies suits with the wide lapels and the flared trousers?'

The tailor says to him 'and would sir like a kipper tie?'

and Noddy says 'Oh that'd be smashing mate, two sugars please'.

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By *atisfy janeWoman
over a year ago

Torquay

"What do you call a scouser wearing a suit in Torquay?

The accused

Mary was going to give birth in Torquay but they couldn't find three wise men or one virgin !

What do you call a Devonian in a detached house ?

A burglar."

What do you call a Devonian with a University degree?.....A miracle

What do you call a Devonian with an IQ of 150?......ID Thief

What do you call a Devonian farmer walking through a field with a sheep?....The happy couple

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Aberdeen.....

A leisure centre!"

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post at 10.30pm in Aberdeen.....

Full.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The protestants have installed a bungee jump on belfasts tallest building.

There's a special opening offer for catholics, its free, with no strings attached.

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley

"Noddy Holder walks into a tailors in Saville Row and say's 'Oiright mate, can you do one of those seventies suits with the wide lapels and the flared trousers?'

The tailor says to him 'and would sir like a kipper tie?'

and Noddy says 'Oh that'd be smashing mate, two sugars please'.

That made me laugh

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

The two gay Irish men Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

A wiganer walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the

Counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got

One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his

Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black

Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the

Meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their

Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The wiganer said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

A Scot and a Jew were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "That's all right laddie just gie the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Will-I-am has just bought a mansion near Bristol.

He's now known as Will-I-are.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

BBC presenter : I hear there's a pervert on the show tonight.

Can you tell who it is yet kids?

Best said in an australian accent.

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By *ashful BazMan
over a year ago

poole dorset

Police in Liverpool have arrested three of four well known Scouse Islamic terrorists. Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin and Bin Thievin.

There was no sign of Bin Workin.

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

Did you hear about the Brummie who waters his lawn with beer so it comes up half cut

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

An irishman is having an interview for a job on a building site. The foreman says "the jobs yours if you can tell me the difference between a girder and a joist."

"well now sor" says the irishman "girder wrote faust and joist wrote ulysess"

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

Two Scousers are on holiday in South Africa, hanging out on the riverbank. Suddenly a crocodile swims past with a blokes head in its mouth. "Fuckin' ell Terry, did you see that fella?" "I did Barry - and the flash bastard's got a LaCoste sleeping bag"

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By *igdnlittlemCouple
over a year ago

hartlepool

Just bought wife a Sunderland bra and she has gone mad. Said the support is rubbish and the tits will be out of both cups in no time

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