FabSwingers.com forum: Dad jokes

By *orthern95 OP Man
9 weeks ago

north

I'm running low and need some new ones, help me out guys

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By *dnmartinMan
5 weeks ago

Hounslow

I got a refrigerator for my wife today

It was a good trade

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By *ack 55530Man
5 weeks ago

cardiff

What’s similar to a parrot and orange

A carrot

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By *omeotherguyMan
5 weeks ago

Sheffield/London/Derbyshire

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

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By *heerpanty70TV/TS
5 weeks ago

huntly

How do you get pikachu on a bus .....pokehimon

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By *sleWightCoupleCouple
5 weeks ago

Ryde

[Removed by poster at 16/03/26 19:24:52]

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By *olyGlamorousWoman
5 weeks ago

Chester

"How do you get pikachu on a bus .....pokehimon"

😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

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By *sleWightCoupleCouple
5 weeks ago

Ryde

A local robber has been breaking into local food manufacturers, cleaning them all out in the process before finally doing over the McVitie's factory.

That last one really took the biscuit...

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By *ilkandvelvetWoman
5 weeks ago

Plymouth

I was at the optician’s the other day. They told me I needed to stop wanking. Will it make me go blind, I asked. He said, no you can’t do it in the waiting room

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By (user no longer on site)
5 weeks ago

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

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By *olo180Man
5 weeks ago

Greater London

I bought a dog from my local blacksmith.

When I got it home it made a bolt for the door!

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By (user no longer on site)
5 weeks ago

Maybe a bit dark but why did the little girl fall off the swing?

She didn't have any arms.

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By *indaCharmingDubMan
5 weeks ago

South Dublin

What do you get when you mix angry sheep with angry cows ?

A farmer that's in a baaaaaaaaaa-d moooooooooooo-d

🤣🤣🤣

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By *hams123Man
5 weeks ago

London

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said yes, the rest were nines and tens.

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By *asualandFeistyCouple
5 weeks ago

Ruislip

Why doesn't Viagra work on chavs?

Because they only get hard with ten mates behind them.

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By *ricklayerMan
5 weeks ago

East Devon

Archaeologists found a mummy covered in hazelnuts, they think its phaero roche

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By *ricklayerMan
5 weeks ago

East Devon

Thats funnier if I spelt pharaoh right

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By *hams123Man
5 weeks ago

London

"Thats funnier if I spelt pharaoh right"

Still funny. Good one mate. 👍🏾☺️

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By *ricklayerMan
5 weeks ago

East Devon

My wife threatened to leave me the other day saying I was too arrogant.... I told her not to let the door hit her on her way back in

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By *olvesfunguyMan
5 weeks ago

WOLVERHAMPTON

Teacher said to her class 'who can give me a sentence with the word fascinate in?"

Little Jonny put his hand up " I can Miss. My new coat has ten buttons but I can only fasten eight!"

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By *otstuff77Woman
5 weeks ago

Newtown

I told my wife I have a crush on Beyoncé, and she said, "Well, whatever floats your boat."

I said, "No, that’s buoyancy."

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By *hams123Man
5 weeks ago

London

I’m excited about the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night.

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By *dnmartinMan
5 weeks ago

Hounslow

For St Patrick's Day.

What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls?

Rick O'Shea

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By (user no longer on site)
5 weeks ago

What do you call an Irish woman who sits outside at all times?

Patty O'Furniture

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By *oldmilkMan
5 weeks ago

Trouble, apparently…

Q: Why do women multitask?

A: Because they can’t prioritise!

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By *oujustneverknowMan
5 weeks ago

Norwich

Mother in law told me when you die im gonna dance on your grave..

Have fun i replied im being buried at sea x

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By *oujustneverknowMan
5 weeks ago

Norwich

I knew his brother had 2 panes of glass behind his ears ..

Paddy o,doors

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By *rincess_Peach1992Woman
5 weeks ago

Newport

What do you call an Irish man who bounces off walls?

Rick O'Shea

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By *regen1000Man
5 weeks ago

Erith

A new mash up sinead O'connor and the chuckle brothers has been released for St Patrick's day.

Nothing Compares To You, To Me, To You.

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By *akedMMan
5 weeks ago

Witney

"I’m excited about the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night."
I like this one

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By *eachandcream78Couple
5 weeks ago

South Devon

I told my girlfriend that she had drawn her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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By *eachandcream78Couple
5 weeks ago

South Devon

"My wife threatened to leave me the other day saying I was too arrogant.... I told her not to let the door hit her on her way back in"

😂😂

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By (user no longer on site)
5 weeks ago

A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it.

The bartender says, “Where did you find that?”

“There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies.

The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!”

All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky.

Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!”

The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

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By *agic.MMan
5 weeks ago

Orpington

Three people having sex is called threesome

Four people having sex is called foursome

...now I understand why people call me HANDSOME 👀

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By *atpurrWoman
5 weeks ago

Kent

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs ?

A wonkey 😁

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By *erdyGuy42Man
5 weeks ago

Tullys

I don’t normally tell dad jokes but when I do he laughs

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By * more 4 playCouple
5 weeks ago

west coast

Asked the wife if she wants to go out for a meal tommorow night, she said yes.

So now I've got the house to myself.

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By *erry 58Man
5 weeks ago

doncaster

I was watching porno with the wife

After looking at the shaven pussy on screen

I said to wife why don’t you shave your cunt

I woke up in the morning with a bald head

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By *eautyandthebeast86Couple
5 weeks ago

Somewhere in Norfolk ask :)

What’s the difference between a giraffe and a jcb?

Ones got hydraulics and the other high Bollux !

Forgive me lol

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By *eautyandthebeast86Couple
5 weeks ago

Somewhere in Norfolk ask :)

What’s better than roses on a piano ?

Tulips on your organ …

Promise that’s the last one !

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By *agic.MMan
5 weeks ago

Orpington

Had a huge argument with the wife last night...this morning I walked in the kitchen and there was a note on the fridge from her saying "This isn't working anymore "...opened the fridge and it was working fine

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By *olo180Man
5 weeks ago

Greater London

What do you use a Wombat for?

To play Wom

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By *ancashireredheadWoman
5 weeks ago

Lancashire

My wife says she has 14 reasons why she could leave me, including my obsession with tennis….

I said thats 15 Love

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By *erry 58Man
5 weeks ago

doncaster

Velcro is a rip off

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By *ophie_GTV/TS
5 weeks ago

Gainsborough

Which messenger service do trees use?

Whatsap

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By *he Silver FuxMan
5 weeks ago

Utero

What has 99 balls and fucks old ladies?

🗣️BINGO!

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By *he Silver FuxMan
5 weeks ago

Utero

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a ripe banana

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By *regen1000Man
5 weeks ago

Erith

Why is it difficult to play Irish music?

It's very fiddly.

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By *dnmartinMan
5 weeks ago

Hounslow

I think I've bought the world's worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it's awful

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By *ookieMan
5 weeks ago

Grays

What do you call a sheep with no legs ….

A cloud 😎

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By *andadbodMan
5 weeks ago

Liverpool

Disney Pixar are working on a new feature length movie about a trans whale, it’s going to be called Maybe Dick.

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By *ature-Gent-73Man
5 weeks ago

NN1

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in another box.

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By *oeBeansMan
5 weeks ago

Derby

A Priest, a Pastor, and a Rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asks the Rabbit "What blood type are you?"

"I think I'm a Type-O", replied the Rabbit

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By *dnmartinMan
5 weeks ago

Hounslow

I was hooked on auctions after only going once..

...going twice..

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By *cgmcgMan
5 weeks ago

kingston

"Disney Pixar are working on a new feature length movie about a trans whale, it’s going to be called Maybe Dick."

That really made me chuckle

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By *aviniaCDTV/TS
5 weeks ago

Leeds (close to G.A.P.)

I always remember what my dear old mum said to me as she lay on her deathbed....

I'm not sure you're meant to turn that off....

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By *vonCalling2022Couple
5 weeks ago

Whyteleafe

My nephew is four years old and he can’t say please in Spanish.

That poor for four.

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By *eyeYCouple
5 weeks ago

Nr Leicester

My favourite..

2 fish in a tank, one say's to the other "So, do you know how to drive this thing?"

My son's

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger, then it hit me.

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By *dnmartinMan
5 weeks ago

Hounslow

I was going to tell the joke about the tropical birds glued together.

But never mind, it's toucan fusing.

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By *ttmcdguyTV/TS
5 weeks ago

"I always remember what my dear old mum said to me as she lay on her deathbed....

I'm not sure you're meant to turn that off....

Reminds me of my nan

She was pushing 101 when she died

Glad she wasn’t driving my car

And my grandad he died peacefully in his sleep

The passengers on his bus were apparently screaming and histerical

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By *otBrunetteHimCouple
5 weeks ago

birmingham

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards…..

I said y not

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By *aughty in TamworthMan
5 weeks ago

Tamworth

What's the difference between a piano, a fish, and glue.

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

What about the glue.

I knew you'd get stuck on that.

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By *dnmartinMan
4 weeks ago

Hounslow

The police are looking for a man with one eye called Murphy.

I don't know what his other eye is called.

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By *earditallWoman
4 weeks ago

Lancaster

Where's Everhard

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

What key opens bananas best? A Mon-key.

I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of sprite..when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar

In 2025, I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one either in 2024,2023,2022,2021...it's becoming a running joke

Tried to catch the fog last night. I mist.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
4 weeks ago

Utero

I went to possibly the worst pub in Staffordshire last night, it was called The Fiddle.

As soon as I walked inside, I just knew…

… this was a vile Inn

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

A man with a stutter has been sentenced to 5 years in prison for armed robbery, but police do not believe he will complete his sentence.

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

I told an ex I had a 12 inch cock... She said no it's not, it just smells like a foot.

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

I had sex with twins once.

I was asked if it was difficult telling them apart

Yes, it was easy, I said. Mary had this cheeky glint in her eyes when she laughed and Bob, well, Bob has a cock.

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By *eachandcream78Couple
4 weeks ago

South Devon

Anymore jokes?? I'm running low now as I write one in my daughter's packed lunch each day.. 😂

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By *athomMan
4 weeks ago

South Coast

"Anymore jokes?? I'm running low now as I write one in my daughter's packed lunch each day.. 😂"

Disney teaches you to hate your step mum whereas Porn hub has a totally different approach.

( should guarantee 3 day exclusion)

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By *eachandcream78Couple
4 weeks ago

South Devon

"Anymore jokes?? I'm running low now as I write one in my daughter's packed lunch each day.. 😂

Disney teaches you to hate your step mum whereas Porn hub has a totally different approach.

( should guarantee 3 day exclusion)"

😱😱😱

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
4 weeks ago

Leeds

I lost 3 fingers at work the other day, I asked the doctor “ will I still be able to write with it?” He told me “yeah it should be fine, but I wouldn’t count on it”

The mr

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By *carlettsWoman
4 weeks ago

Harpenden

What is Forrest Gumps password

1Forrest1

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By *eachandcream78Couple
4 weeks ago

South Devon

"I lost 3 fingers at work the other day, I asked the doctor “ will I still be able to write with it?” He told me “yeah it should be fine, but I wouldn’t count on it”

The mr "

🙌😂

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By *eachandcream78Couple
4 weeks ago

South Devon

"What is Forrest Gumps password

1Forrest1"

😅

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By *olo180Man
4 weeks ago

Greater London

"Anymore jokes?? I'm running low now as I write one in my daughter's packed lunch each day.. 😂"

What does a clock do when it’s hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

How do you weigh a millennial? In insta-grams

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By *hickfreaknessMan
4 weeks ago

Torquay

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

Started reading a horror book in braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it

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By *icentiousXMan
4 weeks ago

London

Doctor doctor I think I'm shrinking!

Take a seat in the waiting room, you're going to have to be a little patient.

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus.

What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog?

Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex.

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By *ordermanreturnsMan
4 weeks ago

Llangollen

The government have suddenly realised that job swapping certain occupations may alleviate some current problems..

First up they are to swap doctors receptionists with Border control..

Those of you who have not been able to get an appointment at the doctors should find you'll get one now..

Whilst the boat problem should cease with doctors receptionists manning the coast..

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents

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By *redlou89Couple
4 weeks ago

Leeds

What does a horny frog say

'Rub It' 'Rub It'

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By *arly_tv31Man
4 weeks ago

Wrexham

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded? You don't know what your missing!

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By *eachandcream78Couple
4 weeks ago

South Devon

Haha. Some belters here 👌👌🙌🙌

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By *hickfreaknessMan
4 weeks ago

Torquay

What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade?

You can't Marmalade your cock up your partner's ass.

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By *dnmartinMan
4 weeks ago

Hounslow

What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?

Tai Wan Shu

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By *ampireLoveMan
4 weeks ago

Essex

What do you call a Mexican gentleman who can’t find his car?

Carlos

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By *ig_In_JapanMan
4 weeks ago

Cardiff

I'm not sure how the market will take my new line of perspex coffins - remains to be seen.

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By *WB85Man
4 weeks ago

Staffordshire

Whats the difference between me and Superman?

Superman has super vision, I require supervision.

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
4 weeks ago

Willenhall

I started a band called "999 Megabytes".

We still haven't got a gig...

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By *uchasGMan
4 weeks ago

Northwest

What's the difference between hard and light?

I can get to sleep with a light on

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By *onnachakeaneMan
4 weeks ago

Dundrum

Guy to his mate “Jesus my ass is in bits”

Mate: Ring sting?

Guy “What the fuck would he know about it?”

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By *aydumfriesMan
4 weeks ago

heathhall

If I wanted comeback I'd wipe it off your chin

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By *awtybutnice75Man
4 weeks ago

belfast

[Removed by poster at 28/03/26 03:06:43]

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By *awtybutnice75Man
4 weeks ago

belfast

Teacher asked wee Johnny for a sentence with the word contagious in it.

Wee Johnny thinks a a minute. " Yesterday, my mum saw my dad painting the fence with a 2 inch brush, and she said, It's going to take the cunt ages... "

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By *carlettsWoman
4 weeks ago

Harpenden

How can you tell which nurse at the hospital is the head nurse?

She's the one with the red knees.

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By *carlettsWoman
4 weeks ago

Harpenden

I saw Steven Hawking wanking once..........................................................

It was a stroke of genius.

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By *imdrake1324Man
4 weeks ago

smethwick

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…

It’s impossible to put down. 😏

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By *ere4playMan
4 weeks ago

Darwen

Bravo 🙌

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
4 weeks ago

Willenhall

Then God created Saturn...and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

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By *axonmanMan
4 weeks ago

bradford

"I saw Steven Hawking wanking once..........................................................

It was a stroke of genius."

I want the link to that video

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By *carlettsWoman
4 weeks ago

Harpenden

What do you call a man with a two-inch penis?

Justin.

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By *exiislayCouple
4 weeks ago

anywhere

What do u call a magical dog..... an abracalabrador

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By *exiislayCouple
4 weeks ago

anywhere

What do u call android phone's security team....

The guardians of the galaxy

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By *hanee08Man
4 weeks ago

Loughborough

What did the hat say to the other hat on the hat stand....

Stay here, im going on ahead

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By *ophie_GTV/TS
4 weeks ago

Gainsborough

The mortuary staff had their monthly night out at their local pub

It was a "Open Mike Night"

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By *akedrob2025Man
4 weeks ago

Dunfermline

What do you call a fridge with a denim jacket on..

A fridge with a denim jacket

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By *elix SightedMan
4 weeks ago

Cloud 8

Two cows standing in a field and one says “Mooooooooooo!!”

The other turns to him and say “Ah you sod, I was gonna say that”

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
4 weeks ago

Sussex

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One parrot says to the other

" hey, can you smell fish? '

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

The bartender asks, "Hey Cap'n, what's with that steering wheel there?"

"Yarrrrrrr," the pirate says, "it's driving me nuts!"

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By *adagastMan
4 weeks ago

Rotherham

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was rubbish. Lance is still in prison.

A friend asked me if training to be a locksmith was worth it. It told him that often course it was. It would open a lot if doors for him.

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By *adagastMan
4 weeks ago

Rotherham

I fell through the roof of a French bakery. Now I'm in a world of pain.

My friend was the victim of his own success. His trophy cabinet fell on him.

Did you hear about the lonly pyromaniac? He's still looking for the perfect match.

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By *appyhumper123Man
4 weeks ago

ayr

A man was asked a another man pwhy he was pulling a length of string behind him he replied have you ever tried pushing a length of string

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By *partharmonyCouple
4 weeks ago

Tonbridge

What's E.T. short for?

Because he's only got little legs.

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
3 weeks ago

Willenhall

Apparently a pint of Guinness is bigot bellend Nigel Farage's favourite drink.

Oh, the fucking irony.

It's black, from a foreign country and you're supposed to wait for it to settle...

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By *reeneggsandsamMan
3 weeks ago

Perpignan and cap

There's an egg and a sausage in a pan, the sausage says "blimey it's getting hot in here". The egg says "jesus Christ! A talking sausage"!

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
3 weeks ago

Leeds

Pirate got to the drs with a steering wheel stuck to his nob.

Dr says “that looks uncomfortable“

Pirate replies “arrrrrr it’s driving me nuts”

The mr

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
3 weeks ago

Sussex

"What's E.T. short for?

Because he's only got little legs. "

And why have elephants got big ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

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By *om_38Man
3 weeks ago

stoke

Sit you hear about the magic tractor……

It went down the road and turned into a field

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By *iggusJimusMan
3 weeks ago

Accrington

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop

Dr Dre

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By *akedrob2025Man
3 weeks ago

Dunfermline

Whats white and blue and sits in a tree

A fridge with a denim jacket on

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By *PS81Man
3 weeks ago

Ashton

what's blue and not heavy?

light blue

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By *dnmartinMan
3 weeks ago

Hounslow

There was a time when I was younger that could eat like a horse.

That was my hay day.

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By *ortheastFarmerMan
3 weeks ago

Northumberland

During the winter, to warm up you should stand in the corner of a room, thats because its at 90 degrees

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By *ortheastFarmerMan
3 weeks ago

Northumberland

Theres only 2 things in life i regret....

- the amount of times ive screwed up

- calling my dog up

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By *eekyscotMan
3 weeks ago

Rhyl

I love going outdoors, it's safer than going out windows

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By *quirt CatcherMan
3 weeks ago

Manchester

Who wants to hear a joke about pizza?

Nvm it’s to cheesy

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By *ogisticalBigManMan
3 weeks ago

Sheffield

Little Johnny asks his Dad "why is this book so thick?"

Well johnny, it's a long story...

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By *hesblokeMan
3 weeks ago

Derbyshire village

What's blue but not very heavy?

Light blue.

What's got five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Ones really heavy, the others a little lighter.

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By *layfullsamMan
3 weeks ago

Solihull

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches.

It doesn't!!

It just makes a lot of noise and sh1ts on the floor.

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By *reeneggsandsamMan
3 weeks ago

Perpignan and cap

What's the difference between a dwarf and a midget?

Very little.

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By *nbeweedableWoman
3 weeks ago

Kerry

What kinda of meat does a vegetarian priest eat??

Nun.

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By *ornyCouple2049Couple
3 weeks ago

Cockermouth

I've been target with a lot of jokes for optometrists recently and I have to be honest, they're getting Cornea and Cornea.

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
3 weeks ago

Willenhall

I went to a seafood disco the other night.

I pulled a mussel.

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By *adagastMan
3 weeks ago

Rotherham

I Googled 'Missing medieval servant' and it said, 'Page not found.'

I'm not a fan of current buns, I prefer more old fashioned ones.

What do you call a group of crows staring greedily at a bird feeder? A tempted murder.

My friend went off the rails badly when he was younger, which is probably why he's no longer a train driver.

I was always taking notes at my last job, and then they checked the till.

Staff at the sperm bank gathered in the car park for a fire drill before the alarms even went off. It was premature evacuation.

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By *dnmartinMan
3 weeks ago

Hounslow

Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest?

Authorities just found Himalayan there.

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By *dnmartinMan
3 weeks ago

Hounslow

"I Googled 'Missing medieval servant' and it said, 'Page not found.'

Serfing the web were you?

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By *ypersoonMan
3 weeks ago

WHITCHURCH, Shropshire

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone 😜

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By *istransCoupleCouple
3 weeks ago

Royston

I saw an amateur Spanish magician performing his act for the first time last night.

He said he’d “disappear on three”, but vanished without a tres.

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By *istransCoupleCouple
3 weeks ago

Royston

How do you get down from an elephant?

You can’t.

You have to get down from a duck.

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By *adagastMan
3 weeks ago

Rotherham

The inventor of the Autocorrect died recently. Apparently, his funnel is tomato.

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By *adagastMan
3 weeks ago

Rotherham

I knew that I would never become a lawyer. I simply can't pass a bar.

Shagpile: An experience both painful and pleasant.

I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was rubbish. Lance is still in prison.

Soaring: The curry was too hot.

Thesaurus: A condition caused by eating a very hot curry. See Soaring above.

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By *eekyscotMan
3 weeks ago

Rhyl

I would tell you a time travelling joke but you didn't get it

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By *redlou89Couple
3 weeks ago

Leeds

Someone asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite holiday is.

He answered...

“Have to love Easter baby"

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By *uonline69Man
3 weeks ago

Saddleworth, UK

I have 1 hair on my chest.

I called it Tony.

Tony one I've got.

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By *erry 58Man
3 weeks ago

doncaster

One a Spanish woman called juan eater

She only has one tooth

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
3 weeks ago

Willenhall

I bought a toilet brush the other day but I really don't like it.

I'm going back to using toilet paper.

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By *reeneggsandsamMan
3 weeks ago

Perpignan and cap

Two cows in a field, once said moo. 🐄

The other said "damn, I was going to say that". 🐮

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By *otstuff77Woman
3 weeks ago

Newtown

What do you call a witch that likes the beach- a sandwich

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
3 weeks ago

Sussex

"Two cows in a field, once said moo. 🐄

The other said "damn, I was going to say that". 🐮"

What did the fish say as it banged it's head against a wall....

DAM!

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By *hams123Man
3 weeks ago

London

Where do rainbows go when they've been bad? To prism, so they have time to reflect on what they've done.

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By *otstuff77Woman
3 weeks ago

Newtown

What did Mike Tyson say to Chris Hemsworth after working out ~ You're going to be Thor tomorrow

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
2 weeks ago

SW1A1AA

Why did the chicken join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks

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By *hams123Man
2 weeks ago

London

My dad reversed his car and said "Ah, this takes me back".

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By *YDB75Man
2 weeks ago

East Yorks

Went to a family party we danced to the classics.

We twisted to the twist

We bumped to the bump

When Dexies midnight runners came on my Aunty Eileen was not happy with at all!!

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By *aterpistolMan
2 weeks ago

London

Someone stole my socks from the washing line.

I was going to chase them but I got cold feet!

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By *eekyscotMan
2 weeks ago

Rhyl

What do boobs and toys have in common

They're both originally for kids but adults end up playing with them

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

Spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day

Was the least could do for him.

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By *radienightsMan
2 weeks ago

Local

Found some coins in the washing machine. Is this money laundering?

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.

Rest in peace, Zu Min.

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By *eneralKenobiMan
2 weeks ago

North Angus

What did one leg say to the other

United we stand, divided we’re screwed

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
2 weeks ago

Sussex

What did the Greek cheese say to the mirror?

Hellooo Me

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By *aviniaCDTV/TS
2 weeks ago

Leeds (close to G.A.P.)

A guy down our street was shot last night by a gunman using a starting pistol.

The police suspect it was race related....

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

My wife is quite the meteorologist.

My neighbour just called her to ask if the coast was clear.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
1 week ago

Sussex

What was Bob Marley's favourite kind of sweet treat?

Anything..... wi' jam in

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By *adagastMan
1 week ago

Rotherham

I keep getting the urge to purchase a large white bear from the Arctic. The psychiatrist says that I have Buy Polar disorder.

I shall be hosting a large charity event for people who have difficulty achieving orgasm. Please let me know if you can't come.

'Jesus Loves You' Sounds lovely in church, but it isn't what you want to hear in a Mexican prison.

Darth Vader has a corrupt younger brother. Taxi Vader.

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By *adagastMan
1 week ago

Rotherham

A shop assistant managed to fight off a robber using his labelling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

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By *he.Jungle.VIPMan
1 week ago

London

"I shall be hosting a large charity event for people who have difficulty achieving orgasm. Please let me know if you can't come.

Tonight I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators anonymous......turns out its tomorrow

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By *iking 777Man
1 week ago

stromness

Well well well 3 holes in the ground

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By *adagastMan
1 week ago

Rotherham

Apparently, Particularly Pellow has arthritis. He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes.

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By *adagastMan
1 week ago

Rotherham

"Apparently, Particularly Pellow has arthritis. He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes."

Marti Pellow. Curse autocorrect.

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By *uckMe12FreeMan
1 week ago

(User no longer on site)

What's the difference between the bible and a cock?

Nothing, the local vicar rammed both down my throat when I was a kid.

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