FabSwingers.com forum: Post your dad jokes 4.0

By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
33 weeks ago

Manchester

I don't like to brag, but I'm more than wealthy enough not to have to work another day for the rest of the year.

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By *inky_RagnarCouple
33 weeks ago

Peterborough

Why do Klingons attack at dawn?

Morning Glory

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By (user no longer on site)
33 weeks ago

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

Your under a vest.

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By *ou345Woman
33 weeks ago

Derby

I only sing when reversing the car

I’m a back up singer

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By *anillaswantmoreCouple
33 weeks ago

Manchester

What's the difference between Santa and Mrs Santa?

Snow balls

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
33 weeks ago

Manchester

I was due to have a new sofa delivered this week but its been delayed for a month.

Does anyone know where I stand?

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By *inkShyWoman
33 weeks ago

near Windsor

The landline rang earlier. I ran to get it and could just hear sniffing, then an almighty sneeze.

Fed up of these cold callers.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
33 weeks ago

Manchester

I wanted to cook my girlfriend a special New Year's Eve dinner last night.

But I ran out of Thyme.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
33 weeks ago

Manchester

I've been accused of selling out of date Irish Cream Liqueur.

The trial is at the Old Bailey's.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
33 weeks ago

Manchester

I had a Tesco delivery this afternoon, the driver said, "I've got a couple of substitutions for you, here's your rosemary and haddock."

I said, "this is neither the thyme or the plaice."

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
33 weeks ago

Leeds

What has Santa and Michael Jackson got in common.

They both empty their sacks for little kids.

The mr

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By *hisIsMe58Man
33 weeks ago

Winchester

What did one eye say to the other?

There's something between us that smells.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
32 weeks ago

Manchester

My ex-wife was deaf.

She had an affair with a deaf man.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
31 weeks ago

Manchester

Took my son out for his first Pint today...

I got him a lager; he didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a pint of bitter, but he didn't like that either. I drank it.

It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider.

By the time we got down to the Whisky, I could hardly push the pram straight.

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By (user no longer on site)
31 weeks ago

How do you follow Will Smith in a blizzard?

Follow the fresh prints

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By *om WxmMan
31 weeks ago

Wrexham

I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 was...but he didn't.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
31 weeks ago

Manchester

I was offered sex with a hot, nubile young woman (a pole dance) earlier today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course, I declined, because I'm a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as Ajax, the super-strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
29 weeks ago

Manchester

I would like to congratulate my wife for passing her mouth organ exam.

Well done our Monica.

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By *avenwrexham75TV/TS
29 weeks ago

Wrexham

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
26 weeks ago

Manchester

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there's an increased likelihood that they will indeed see you later.

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By *ormalfornorfolkMan
26 weeks ago

Norwich

I went to the zoo the other day. All they had was a dog. It was a shitzu.

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By *xaussiepaulMan
26 weeks ago

Bournemouth

Why does Sweden's navy have barcodes printed on the sides of all their ships!

When the ships come back to port

They can Scandinavian

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By *ousteau72Man
26 weeks ago

Wombourne

Guy in Scotland goes into a cake shop and asks, "is that an iced bun or a meringue?"

The shop assistant replies, "Nooo, you're not rang, that's an iced bun!"

(Only works in a Scottish accent - just saying!)

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By *hinstrapMan
26 weeks ago

sheffield

Just a adopted a dog from the local blacksmith, soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

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By *outhcoast MrMrsCouple
26 weeks ago

Bournemouth

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminium Man?

Iron man stops the baddies where as Aluminium man just foils their plans.

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By *VANDYMan
26 weeks ago

Teignmouth

"I went to the zoo the other day. All they had was a dog. It was a shitzu."

I also went to a zoo. They had a baguette, a French stick and a wholemeal loaf. Apparently they were bread in captivity.

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By *VANDYMan
26 weeks ago

Teignmouth

Someone stole my trainers and high viz from my locker at work. They can run but they can’t hide.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
26 weeks ago

Manchester

I went to the library today asked the librarian for a book about tiny willies.

She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”

I said, “That’s the one.”

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By *ifelover999Man
26 weeks ago

Eastbourne

Why dont eggs tell jokes..they might crack up

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
26 weeks ago

Manchester

I trained my dog to bring me wine.

Now he's a Bordeaux Collie.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
26 weeks ago

Manchester

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at the airport one day and she just vanished into Finnair…

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
25 weeks ago

Manchester

Got a taxi to the launderette.

Even though it's barely a mile away it cost me £30.

I felt like I’d been taken to the cleaners...

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
24 weeks ago

Manchester

So I've broken up with the dinosaur I've been seeing.

She's now my tyrannosaurus ex...

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By *nalise2TV/TS
24 weeks ago

Bolton

"I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 was...but he didn't. "
he said nein!

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By *andyrich555Man
24 weeks ago

ub4

What's the difference between a Kangeroo and a Kangeroot?

One is an Australian Animal...

The other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

(Sorry)

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By *elfordstevieMan
24 weeks ago

Telford

"Someone stole my trainers and high viz from my locker at work. They can run but they can’t hide. "

A guy in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket.

He can hide, but he can’t run.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
24 weeks ago

Manchester

I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet.

But I haven't seen any with more than 4.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
20 weeks ago

Manchester

The price of petrol is so bad at the moment I ended up putting vodka in the lawnmower and now the grass is half cut.

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By *dnmartinMan
17 weeks ago

Hounslow

I'm never donating blood again! They ask way too many questions...

Who's blood is this? Where did it come from? Why is it in a bucket?

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By *ustdoit2me777Man
17 weeks ago

grays

If you’re a dad they are just jokes lol ❤️

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By *umbrian78Man
17 weeks ago

Ulverston

The man who invented the camera lens died this week - Zoo Min

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By *morousCouple8Couple
17 weeks ago

holiday in Kent

Ben is a roofer now, but he started as a labourer. Then he climbed the ladder.

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By *ilbzMan
17 weeks ago

Swindon Wiltshire

What is white and sits in an Irish garden in the summer?

Paddio furniture

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
16 weeks ago

Manchester

Did you know that Shania Twain’s sister, Choo Choo, used to work for British Rail.

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By *dnmartinMan
16 weeks ago

Hounslow

I identify as condescending.

My pronouns are there/there.

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By *dnmartinMan
15 weeks ago

Hounslow

I went to an alien orgy last night.

Don't know what came over me.

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By *eekyscotMan
15 weeks ago

Rhyl

I would tell you a time travelling joke but you didn't get it

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By *dnmartinMan
15 weeks ago

Hounslow

When Beethoven was a kid everyone told him he could never be a composer.

But did he listen?

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
14 weeks ago

Manchester

A man walks up to a librarian and asks: “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat?”

The librarian answers: “It rings a bell but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”

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By *alphioMan
14 weeks ago

I havent got one... just like a dad

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By (user no longer on site)
14 weeks ago

Following lol

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By *dnmartinMan
14 weeks ago

Hounslow

What do you call a 1 legged Asian?

Thai Won Shu

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By *heggMan
14 weeks ago

South Brum

If you call the dolphin training centre you hear an automated message which says “Calls may be recorded for training porpoises”.

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By *aFemmeCoquetteWoman
14 weeks ago

Somewhere in the middle not the.....

I opened up a club called erectile dysfunction

It flopped....

And nobody came

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By *hamallamadingdongMan
14 weeks ago

London

"I opened up a club called erectile dysfunction

It flopped....

And nobody came"

Well played 👌🏾

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By *007ManMan
14 weeks ago

Worthing

I met my last partner through a dolphin impersonation club. When we first met, we just clicked.

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By *hamallamadingdongMan
14 weeks ago

London

If doves have white babies, and crows have black babies, what bird has no babies? Swallows.

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By *ty31Man
14 weeks ago

NW London

Some guy told me my Cockney rhyming slang was rubbish.

So I threw him down the apples and bananas

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
13 weeks ago

Manchester

To the person who stole my Microsoft account.

I will find you...you have my word.

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By *ifelover999Man
13 weeks ago

Eastbourne

Whats the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom.

One snatches watches.

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By *adbod2godbodMan
13 weeks ago

Manchester

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

Why was 10 afraid?

He was in the middle of 9 11

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By *adbod2godbodMan
13 weeks ago

Manchester

Why did Susie fall off the swings?

She had no arms.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Not Susie

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By *adbod2godbodMan
13 weeks ago

Manchester

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He was stuck in the chicken.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks

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By *rLucky777Man
13 weeks ago

Leeds

I was in the bank the other day.

The old woman in front of me asked to check her balance so I pushed her over.

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By *erdyHollyTV/TS
13 weeks ago

In a galaxy far far away

I quit my job at the helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to that way!

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By *oldShortsMan
13 weeks ago

St Helens

I read an article about a man who lost his eye lids, so they used his foreskin to make some.

He’s a bit cock eyed

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By *eekyscotMan
12 weeks ago

Rhyl

I've been told that if you are speaking Spanish to people in Spain that you should add "mucho" into your sentence as it would mean a lot to them

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By *asualfridayMan
12 weeks ago

Highlands

My dick might not be 12 inches, but it smells like a foot

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
10 weeks ago

Manchester

Went to see a faith healer show today. He was rubbish- even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
10 weeks ago

Manchester

What is the first rule of Rick Astley club?

You know the rules and so do I.

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By *iddle aged and chubbyMan
10 weeks ago

Shefford

What do you use to count cows?

A cowculator

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By *dnmartinMan
9 weeks ago

Hounslow

Dating a girl who used cedar instead of silicone for breast implants would be weird..

...wooden tit.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
9 weeks ago

Manchester

A male streaker ran into the church, chased by the police.

They finally caught him by the organ.

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By *sleWightCoupleCouple
9 weeks ago

Ryde

"Dating a girl who used cedar instead of silicone for breast implants would be weird..

...wooden tit."

There was a teacher at my school where it was widely known that she'd had a mastectomy, and would regularly be greeted in class by a chorus of

"Wooden tit be luverly..."

There were worse things that that, with some definitely not for modern consumption!

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
9 weeks ago

Manchester

Went to my local Sealife centre yesterday morning, gutted it was closed for training porpoises.

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By *each needs some creamWoman
9 weeks ago

Ilfracombe

What do cows say on Jan. 1? “Happy Moo Year”

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By *each needs some creamWoman
9 weeks ago

Ilfracombe

What was Dr. Frankenstein’s New Year’s resolution?

To make new friends.

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By *erdyHollyTV/TS
9 weeks ago

In a galaxy far far away

I quit my job at the helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!

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By *ty31Man
9 weeks ago

NW London

"I opened up a club called erectile dysfunction

It flopped....

And nobody came"

I'm going to a fancy dress party tonight as premature ejacualation. I'll just come in my pants

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By *avedicMan
9 weeks ago

hastings

I was sad to lose my hair so I went and bought a cheap wig

It was a small price toupee.

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By *aGaGagging for itCouple
9 weeks ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Whats the difference between a kangaroo and a kangeroot?

One's a bouncing Australian marsupial, the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.

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By *athomMan
9 weeks ago

South Coast

My wife was moaning at me for watching Qatar v Switzerland.

She said “I bet you can’t even name 3 Qatar players”

“ Eric Clapton, Hank Marvin and Jimi Hendrix “ I replied 😊

🤷‍♂️C’mon , 3 points for being topical

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
9 weeks ago

Manchester

What’s the first sign of Madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
7 weeks ago

Manchester

I spent all yesterday reading a volume about the Romanian capital.

I need to give this Bucharest.

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By *dnmartinMan
7 weeks ago

Hounslow

Alcohol and calculus should never mix.

Don't drink and derive

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By *otoriouslyaddictiveMan
7 weeks ago

here

Wht do you call a magician without his magic?

Ian

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By *athomMan
7 weeks ago

South Coast

After I committed a series of thefts from bakeries the judge gave me a loaf sentence.

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By *dnmartinMan
6 weeks ago

Hounslow

I have just been was abducted by aliens.

They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out was on the Mothership

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By *dnmartinMan
5 weeks ago

Hounslow

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the qlass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he dont look too good. The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there fora bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?" "Nothing" replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
4 weeks ago

Manchester

A woman walks into a bar & says, "Give me a double entendre."

So the barman gave her one.

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By *tsazzMan
4 weeks ago

Manchester

What’s brown, hairy and goes down mountains? A Skiwi

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By *dnmartinMan
3 weeks ago

Hounslow

Believe it or not, my partner the only one i've ever been with.

All the rest have been an eight or higher.

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By *ankyLMan
3 weeks ago

Northwich

How does Harry Potter go down a hill?

Sprinting… JK, rolling

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By *obajxMan
3 weeks ago

Cheshire

"I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 was...but he didn't. "

This is a true story

A friend of mine was a big Man City supporter and travelled to Germany to watch them play

The evening before the game, he and a large group of City supporters were outside a bar in the town centre and from time to time, my friend would stop a German passer by and ask if they spoke English. If they did, he'd then ask them how do you say "yes yes" in German!

The answer came back "ja ja" to which my mate turned to all the City fans and started the chant

Yaya ya-ya

Yaya

Yaya Yaya Toure

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
2 weeks ago

Manchester

Just a word of advice fellow fabbers, be careful of the staff at B&Q.

I bought a curtain pole, and the assistant asked if I’d be putting it up myself.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
2 weeks ago

Manchester

I told my mate about a new erectile dysfunction tablet called Stopcoxaflopin. He asked if he could get it over the counter.

I said he’d need to take two for that.

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By *ordermanreturnsMan
2 weeks ago

Llangollen

"The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the qlass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?" "Nothing" replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running.""

Reminds me of another Lone Ranger joke..

Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when up on the ridge to their right appear about 2000 Sioux, then on the ridge to their left appear 2000 Cherokee, glancing behind they realise there's about 2000 Apache, then looking forward they see there's around 2000 Blackfeet in the distance.

Finally the Lone Ranger breaks the silence turning to Tonto he says "Looks like we're in a spot trouble"

Tonto replies "What do you mean we,

Paleface"

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By *verhard88Man
2 weeks ago

Bolton

I saw they caught the midget last night who had an odd fetish.

He likes to run inbetween women's straddled legs.

His punishment is to be a clit around the ear and a flap across the face

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By *ature420Couple
2 weeks ago

aberdeen

A train load of tortoises crashed into a truck full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster

I saw a guy trying to chat up a cheetah, I thought he’s trying to pull a fast one

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By *orkshireVikingMan
2 weeks ago

Sheffield

Going back to the lone ranger theme...

Lone ranger and Tonto on the prairie not a soul around. Lone Ranger says "Tonto, is there any sign of life around here?" Tonto gets on his knees and puts his ear to the ground,"Buffalo come kimosabe"

Lone ranger asks "how can you tell? I see nothing"

Tonto replies "sticky face"

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
2 weeks ago

Manchester

What anti-perspirant do pessimistic people use?

Not Sure.

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By *appyGuy_2025Man
2 weeks ago

somewhere

Why was the picture sent to jail?

It was framed.

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By *ittynzWoman
2 weeks ago

Richmond

Love dad jokes some of these are brilliant. I look forward to @DeliciousDiva69 status dad joke updates

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By *erry 58Man
2 weeks ago

Doncaster

Velcro is a rip off

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By *dnmartinMan
2 weeks ago

Hounslow

In school I excelled at all my class except Greek Mythology.

It was my Achilles Elbow.

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By *entleman_of_pleasure OP Man
2 days ago

Manchester

I bought a self assembly bird table last week.

I left it in the garden and they still haven’t even opened the box yet.

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Post your dad jokes 4.0 - the New Year Special