FabSwingers.com forum: When is there ever a good time?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My lovely mom passed 5 years ago and pops as now met someone, just casual someone he goes to dinner with etc and she's lovely I'm so happy for him but my sister who was down for the week was rather nasty about it? Saying mom hasn't been gone that long!

I'm rather disgusted at her actions and its upset pops, so is there ever a good time?

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By *CupWoman
over a year ago

Rochdale

No...if it happened to me i'd want my mum/dad to be happy. If that meant being with someone else so be it. I couldn't bear to see either one of them lonely & unhappy. I just think some people weren't meant to be alone! Hope you sort things out as it'll make you unhappy as well as your dad xx

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

It's difficult isn't it so many conflicting emotions surrounding the loss of a parent.

I would hope that if I we're in your situation all my siblings would be happy however long had passed but reactions to grief vary so much.

We have a friend widowed at 45 he remarried quite quickly and came in for a lot of stick. Research does suggest though that the better your relationship with someone the more quickly you can move forward from their loss I hope I never get to find out in person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's no right time! If it happens, it happens!! And why shouldn't it?

Your dad is as entitled to a happy life as anyone - and I'm guessing its not as if she's coming on all 'mum' like to your sister, so I don't see the problem.

Some people have issues when people come into their loved ones lives and see them as intruding and trying to be a replacement for whoever was there before - when they should be looking at that person in isolation and thinking of the positive impact they're having!

Hope it all works out!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm a widow and no I'm not ready for a long term relationship hence why fab works for me, well dad as my blessing and they are both coming for Sunday dinner tomorrow

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

to me 5 years is a long time,your sister is being selfish. i think its great that your dad has found someone, lifes too short to be lonely.

i could imagine if it was just a few months or a year even that she would feel upset, its still nothing to do with her though and she should keep her opinions to herself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're still grieves, and its probably brought up emotions for her that are incredibly difficult to live with.

Whilst outwardly it may have seemed selfish,maybe she needs a little attention to tenderness too... After all you're a family, lookaafter eachother ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Grief effects everyone differently,hope your sister can come to terms with things and it all works out for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Five years is a long time. I was estatic when my Mum remarried Two years after my Dad passed away, for the simple fact that my Step Dad makes her so happy.

Good Luck to your Dad xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The right time is when it happens your sister might not like it but she should bite her tongue and let him be happy I don't mean that to sound nasty to your sister as I know its very hard. I'm a widow with young kids so I'm not looking for anyone but if it happens so be it. Good luck to your dad and I hope your sister comes round. Xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My lovely mom passed 5 years ago and pops as now met someone, just casual someone he goes to dinner with etc and she's lovely I'm so happy for him but my sister who was down for the week was rather nasty about it? Saying mom hasn't been gone that long!

I'm rather disgusted at her actions and its upset pops, so is there ever a good time? "
My mum was 67 when my dad died 15 years ago. she said she wouldnt want to be with anyone else, she had cared for my dad with his illness for over a year and would not want to take on anyone else who she may have to go through what we all went through again. Selfishly, on my part as a only child, I was very relieved she felt that way so I can see where your sister is coming from, I would feel another man could never replace my dad which probably "the guy" wouldnt want to anyway. My mum has been lonely sometimes over the years but we see a lot of her, she has a good social life. I can see where you are coming from too, im assuming your dad is fairly young still so I hope he stays happy with the lady he has found and hope your sister soon comes round

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

"to me 5 years is a long time,your sister is being selfish. i think its great that your dad has found someone, lifes too short to be lonely.

i could imagine if it was just a few months or a year even that she would feel upset, its still nothing to do with her though and she should keep her opinions to herself.

unfortunatelt life isnt as cut and dry as that. 5 years might be along time to you but you are disconnected from the situation.

Perhaps the OP's sister is finding it harder to get over the death of her mother and up until now as been hiding it for fear of this very backlash?

People hide their feelings/depression etc because to the wider society it is still often seen as a weakness.

OP i wouldnt judge your sister on her reaction, rather talk to her and find out what the root of her feelings are. perhaps she has unresolved conflict with your mother or father, maybe she feels she wast there enough in the last moments.

Of course maybe she is just being childish but you wont find out until you talk to her about it with an understandin mind.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"to me 5 years is a long time,your sister is being selfish. i think its great that your dad has found someone, lifes too short to be lonely.

i could imagine if it was just a few months or a year even that she would feel upset, its still nothing to do with her though and she should keep her opinions to herself.

unfortunatelt life isnt as cut and dry as that. 5 years might be along time to you but you are disconnected from the situation.

Perhaps the OP's sister is finding it harder to get over the death of her mother and up until now as been hiding it for fear of this very backlash?

People hide their feelings/depression etc because to the wider society it is still often seen as a weakness.

Of course maybe she is just being childish but you wont find out until you talk to her about it with an understandin mind."

Wise words along with those in other posts.

I went thro a similar situation after my dear mum died 22 years ago aged 57, she had always told me that if she "went first" she would want my dad to move on and be happy which made it much easier for me to adjust when he did meet someone new a few years later. It wasnt so easy for some of my brothers to accept.

Similarly, my daughter said she found it hard to adjust when I started seeing someone new six years after my divorce. We talked and she said it wasnt that she didnt want to see me happy, just that she had only ever known me with her dad and it was odd accepting someone else into the mix.

We all move at our own pace and deal with things differently, talking as in most things is key to working thro the issues and trying to find a resolution.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Evie has hit the nail on the head, talk to her, and hugs, cos I like giving em xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm rather disgusted at her actions and its upset pops, so is there ever a good time? "

Yes. It's when the widowed person feels it's right - not when anyone else (your sister included!) thinks it's okay.

I worked with a guy some years ago who met his second wife less than two weeks after his first wife's death - and, as far as I know - they are still together.

But I would certainly not want anyone to do what my Mum has done. She was just 55 when my Dad died. She is now 89 and has never had another relationship or even so much as a 'gentleman friend' in the years since. Nothing would have made me happier, or made my life during my 20's a bit easier - being admittedly mercenary about it.

If your Dad's new lady in his life makes him happy - good luck to him. Think you may do more good putting it to your sister that she has unresolved bereavement issues that she needs to confront...

Ted

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