FabSwingers.com forum: ADHD and other ND

By (user no longer on site) OP
41 weeks ago

Since getting diagnosed I am finding it really difficult because there are some things about you that you can’t seem to help but that many people want you to change.

I am a lot to be around and do you ever find that finding people who accept you and love you as that is hard. So you’re constantly masking. So you’re constantly exhausted. Do you find it hard to be accepted as your full self?

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By *acey_RedWoman
41 weeks ago

Liverpool

I've had times like that in my life but I'm very fortunate to have found my tribe of neurospicy friends. I've mostly kinda accepted the inevitably of feeling like an alien pretending to be human in many social situations.

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By *r_Mrs.DSCouple
41 weeks ago

Voldsøy

For sure. I feel like in group chats what I say gets ignored. "I'm not interesting." Irl chat, people talk over me or ignore me. "I'm not important." People ignore my texts/messages, "I'm not enough. Or maybe I'm too much."

Always trying to figure out how to "fix" myself is exhausting. Masking all my life has been exhausting and I do still do it. I've always felt like an alien, homesick for their real planet. Which is funny, because our eldest said they feel like they're on their planet, it's everyone else that are the aliens 🤯😂

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By (user no longer on site)
41 weeks ago

Stop masking. It’s exhausting and unhealthy.

And in my experience then causes a horrible burnout or meltdown.

If I let myself ADHD my memory is better.

And you’re in no way a lot to be around.

I do get you though. A lot of people want me to change certain aspects which I can’t. Then I look at “normal” folk and feel a bit broken. Also not healthy.

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By *tlanshiaWoman
41 weeks ago

Chatham

At the moment in my life, I seem to have filled it with other ND people. Everyone just gets me.

There are times where I have to mask. But mostly in social times and at home I'm free to be me.

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By (user no longer on site)
41 weeks ago

I think it's much better to be out in the open and know what you're dealing with and for others to know what they are dealing with. I have had a couple of ND staff members, and understanding their conditions and how best to support them at work has resulted in everyone being happier and better work, but if you don't tell people then they can't support you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
41 weeks ago

"Stop masking. It’s exhausting and unhealthy.

And in my experience then causes a horrible burnout or meltdown.

If I let myself ADHD my memory is better.

And you’re in no way a lot to be around.

I do get you though. A lot of people want me to change certain aspects which I can’t. Then I look at “normal” folk and feel a bit broken. Also not healthy. "

Stop masking sounds like I’ll end up alone

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By *verageHoesCouple
41 weeks ago

Bessacarr

"Stop masking. It’s exhausting and unhealthy.

And in my experience then causes a horrible burnout or meltdown.

If I let myself ADHD my memory is better.

And you’re in no way a lot to be around.

I do get you though. A lot of people want me to change certain aspects which I can’t. Then I look at “normal” folk and feel a bit broken. Also not healthy.

Stop masking sounds like I’ll end up alone"

No you won't, Pickle. That's the RSD talking.

Stopping masking was the best thing I ever did. Yes, my social circle is smaller and quieter, but I was never comfortable before, anyway. Now I have lovely people who are ok with the weird.

Tying yourself up in knots trying to meet societal and social expectations will probably (definitely) hurt you in the long run.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
41 weeks ago

"Stop masking. It’s exhausting and unhealthy.

And in my experience then causes a horrible burnout or meltdown.

If I let myself ADHD my memory is better.

And you’re in no way a lot to be around.

I do get you though. A lot of people want me to change certain aspects which I can’t. Then I look at “normal” folk and feel a bit broken. Also not healthy.

Stop masking sounds like I’ll end up alone

No you won't, Pickle. That's the RSD talking.

Stopping masking was the best thing I ever did. Yes, my social circle is smaller and quieter, but I was never comfortable before, anyway. Now I have lovely people who are ok with the weird.

Tying yourself up in knots trying to meet societal and social expectations will probably (definitely) hurt you in the long run.

It’s too scary sorry 😭

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By (user no longer on site)
41 weeks ago

It's hard not to mask. I was only diagnosed with autism in February, on my birthday. I've been masking and hiding it for all my life, only people who get me are my wife and daughter both on the autism spectrum themselves.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
41 weeks ago

"It's hard not to mask. I was only diagnosed with autism in February, on my birthday. I've been masking and hiding it for all my life, only people who get me are my wife and daughter both on the autism spectrum themselves.

I feel this!

It feels like my fiancé is the only person who gets me. And like two people from here.

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By *cunthorpe123Couple
41 weeks ago

scunthorpe

I’m not diagnosed but I’ve always had my “issues” and since our daughter has been diagnosed with autism, I see a lot of myself in her and I strongly suspect I’m on the autism spectrum.

I totally agree with the stopping masking.

It’s absolutely exhausting!

I tried for so long to fit in with people and trying to act ‘normal’

Now, I only spend time with people who accept my ways and the fact that I can be over the top at times.

When I was your age, I felt the same as you. I never thought anyone would accept me the way I am but then I met Sean and he loves me exactly the way I am and the way I act.

You’re a fantastic guy, pickle and I have no doubt you will meet someone who will fully accept you!

Donna x

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By (user no longer on site)
41 weeks ago

I find ADHD sometimes makes me push limits, not always in a good way!

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By (user no longer on site)
41 weeks ago

"Stop masking. It’s exhausting and unhealthy.

And in my experience then causes a horrible burnout or meltdown.

If I let myself ADHD my memory is better.

And you’re in no way a lot to be around.

I do get you though. A lot of people want me to change certain aspects which I can’t. Then I look at “normal” folk and feel a bit broken. Also not healthy.

Stop masking sounds like I’ll end up alone

No you won't, Pickle. That's the RSD talking.

Stopping masking was the best thing I ever did. Yes, my social circle is smaller and quieter, but I was never comfortable before, anyway. Now I have lovely people who are ok with the weird.

Tying yourself up in knots trying to meet societal and social expectations will probably (definitely) hurt you in the long run.

It’s too scary sorry 😭

You’re not alone. I’ll hold your hand (maybe metaphorically) x

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By (user no longer on site)
41 weeks ago

Most people (maybe not all, some people are just horrible dicks), will be supportive and understanding and adapt the how/where/what/when's for interactions if they are able to. But if you are masking that becomes difficult for them.

Appreciate that's me as a non ND person saying it and it's not easy to do.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
41 weeks ago

"Stop masking. It’s exhausting and unhealthy.

And in my experience then causes a horrible burnout or meltdown.

If I let myself ADHD my memory is better.

And you’re in no way a lot to be around.

I do get you though. A lot of people want me to change certain aspects which I can’t. Then I look at “normal” folk and feel a bit broken. Also not healthy.

Stop masking sounds like I’ll end up alone

No you won't, Pickle. That's the RSD talking.

Stopping masking was the best thing I ever did. Yes, my social circle is smaller and quieter, but I was never comfortable before, anyway. Now I have lovely people who are ok with the weird.

Tying yourself up in knots trying to meet societal and social expectations will probably (definitely) hurt you in the long run.

It’s too scary sorry 😭

You’re not alone. I’ll hold your hand (maybe metaphorically) x"

Holding my head in real life would be really affectionate. And I’d probably end up getting us to skip like Hansel and Gretel

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By *imi_RougeWoman
41 weeks ago

Hampshire

I'll come back to this when my brain cells are fired up x

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By *acey_RedWoman
41 weeks ago

Liverpool

I totally get the intention behind those saying to stop masking but masking isn't always a choice. Many times it's automatic and sometimes it's being reserved and shut down in social situations rather than doing anything in particular. Sometimes your options are mimicking or doing nothing and being unresponsive. Neither of which feel very comfortable. Many autistic people especially also have a disconnect between what they're feeling and why so may not necessarily know they're repressing anything. It's also incredibly difficult to switch off something your brain believes is keeping you safe.

I 100% agree that keeping a good balance between having time where you have to mask or feel you can unmask but a certain degree of time masking is often inevitable for things like maintaining employment or when you have no option but to interact with a group that's mainly neurotypical. Especially if the safety of those people i an unknown to you.

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By *morousAvocadoMan
41 weeks ago

Somerset

Recent revelation that I have AuDHD

Kind of relieving in a way.

Spent most of my life in an internal paradox of, "people say im intelligent, but i cant seem to do most of the things most people find simple to do"

Now im less hard on myself and understand i just need to approach things differently, rather than be so self deprecating!

I hope others have managed to find peace with their neurospiciness

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By (user no longer on site) OP
41 weeks ago

"I totally get the intention behind those saying to stop masking but masking isn't always a choice. Many times it's automatic and sometimes it's being reserved and shut down in social situations rather than doing anything in particular. Sometimes your options are mimicking or doing nothing and being unresponsive. Neither of which feel very comfortable. Many autistic people especially also have a disconnect between what they're feeling and why so may not necessarily know they're repressing anything. It's also incredibly difficult to switch off something your brain believes is keeping you safe.

Feel all of this.

Work is exhausting omg. My colleagues used to joke about how hyper I am. It’s difficult. Even with my partner, I know my ADHD overwhelms her at times and I’m conscious of that. All my ND friends are not close and I don’t see them often. So it feels like most social interaction I’m holding back.

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By (user no longer on site)
41 weeks ago

100%

I was specifically referring to conscious masking though x

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By *ulieScrumptiousWoman
41 weeks ago

North West

I realise now that I have masked pretty much my whole life. I’m not entirely sure what unmasked me is even like. I get through things by practicing likely conversations in my head. My partners get to see the real me, at least I think they do 🤣 So have a handful of others from here.

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By *morousCouple8Couple
41 weeks ago

Cumbria

Ben understands my ND more than I do myself most of the time. He encourages me to take what I need like decompression time, sending me to our room when I’m overstimulated to recover. And I’m getting better at telling others when I need something different. And caring less what others think about it.

Surrounding myself with ND friends has also helped me

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By *acey_RedWoman
41 weeks ago

Liverpool

"Recent revelation that I have AuDHD

Kind of relieving in a way.

Spent most of my life in an internal paradox of, "people say im intelligent, but i cant seem to do most of the things most people find simple to do"

Now im less hard on myself and understand i just need to approach things differently, rather than be so self deprecating!

I hope others have managed to find peace with their neurospiciness "

Totally get this. Being book smart but bad at humaning.

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
41 weeks ago

North East Scotland, mostly

Real talk, thank you Lacey. It’s unlearning the habits of a lifetime. It’s gonna take time and having a safe place to unmask with safe people is part of the process. Truly believing in your worth is a long process. X

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
41 weeks ago

North East Scotland, mostly

"I realise now that I have masked pretty much my whole life. I’m not entirely sure what unmasked me is even like. I get through things by practicing likely conversations in my head. My partners get to see the real me, at least I think they do 🤣 So have a handful of others from here."

This totally resonates! Who even am I? I don’t always know.

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
41 weeks ago

North East Scotland, mostly

"Ben understands my ND more than I do myself most of the time. He encourages me to take what I need like decompression time, sending me to our room when I’m overstimulated to recover. And I’m getting better at telling others when I need something different. And caring less what others think about it.

Surrounding myself with ND friends has also helped me "

Ben sounds awesome ❤️

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
Forum Mod
41 weeks ago

Central

Fewer people around you who impose unhealthy perceived pressures is a bonus.

Some things just take time to organically form, including having the right social networks.

Fighting unnecessary fights is something that's wasting your time and energy. Enjoying a little more peace is priceless. Stopping the masking is a good habit to cultivate, as is valuing the freedom

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By *acey_RedWoman
41 weeks ago

Liverpool

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By *olinOfBathMan
41 weeks ago

Corsham

Absolutely. I've unknowingly masked HFA - only diagnosed six years ago - throughout my life. Part of the "ColinOfBath legend" is that I'm the only person who takes a book to swingers clubs - and reads it! As for clubbing, being incapable of reading signals or taking a hint can be... challenging.

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By *anchbiguy84Man
41 weeks ago

Manchester

Credentials: long term ADHD. Neurospicy since always, diagnosed 13 years ago at 28. Medicated since about then.

I agree that a certain amount of masking is necessary. I have a good job which I want to hold down and although I believe a lot of what makes me good at my job is intrinsically part of my neurodiversity, a lot of what makes it more challenging for me than for others comes from that too. I have people that report to me and for their sake, I have a responsibility to try to hold my shit together.

I also have people in my life that I love and who love me and sometimes, this chaos within me can really impact them and although they are very understanding, and I can’t help it, if there is a fork in the road and one of the options is the one less likely to cause my neurodivergence to impact those that I love, I believe I have a responsibility to choose that path.

There is a piece of advice I give younger people all the time that I think is really important for personal development but *absolutely critical* for those living with this condition.

Know yourself.

That means a number of things. It means know what you are capable of and not capable of. And know that all of that is ok and the people that are worth keeping in your life are there because they saw something in *you* that they like and they don’t care about what you can’t do, because there are other people who can bring that to the table.

Honestly, I promise you when I say this: the ones that matter are confused about why you are even worrying about this.

But this is really about self esteem. It’s about how all this negging makes you feel about the value you bring to the world, and the advice I have to give you is that has to start with you. I said above that the people who matter will see you for who you *are* not who you are not so you need to look within yourself and truly see that. Find what you bring to the table and try to understand that that is the thing that makes you uniquely you and uniquely beautiful.

Nothing.

Else.

Matters

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By *morousAvocadoMan
41 weeks ago

Somerset

"Recent revelation that I have AuDHD

Kind of relieving in a way.

Spent most of my life in an internal paradox of, "people say im intelligent, but i cant seem to do most of the things most people find simple to do"

Now im less hard on myself and understand i just need to approach things differently, rather than be so self deprecating!

I hope others have managed to find peace with their neurospiciness

Totally get this. Being book smart but bad at humaning."

Thank you Lacey 😁 x

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By *cottish guy 555Man
41 weeks ago

London

"Stop masking. It’s exhausting and unhealthy.

And in my experience then causes a horrible burnout or meltdown.

If I let myself ADHD my memory is better.

And you’re in no way a lot to be around.

I do get you though. A lot of people want me to change certain aspects which I can’t. Then I look at “normal” folk and feel a bit broken. Also not healthy.

Stop masking sounds like I’ll end up alone"

Never. As there will always be people around you, some who know you and some who don't, that you are accepted by and who you can be yourself around.

Just be you.

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By *olinOfBathMan
41 weeks ago

Corsham

We're unlikely ever to meet, but I'd be delighted to be added to your tribe. I would have DM'd, but your settings...

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By *oydykeTV/TS
41 weeks ago

Hampshire (they/them)

Yes I’m constantly telling my therapist how exhausting it is pretending to be well all day. I have autism and DID and other mental illnesses that have to be masked and it’s so exhausting and yet I can’t even sleep at night because my brains so busy from the day

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By (user no longer on site)
41 weeks ago

The only people I don't annoy within the first 5 minutes are other ND people

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By *oydykeTV/TS
41 weeks ago

Hampshire (they/them)

"The only people I don't annoy within the first 5 minutes are other ND people "

Same with me hahahah

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By *ick MastersMan
41 weeks ago

Birmingham

Can relate to what the op has said, even if my diagnosis is asd (maybe have adhd).

Communication difficulties have been the story of my life and sometimes it’s hard not to be a misanthrope.

Maybe I’ll articulate it better soon.

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By *alistraWoman
41 weeks ago

Stafford

Diagnosed AuDHD last year and suspected cyclothymia and it's like a flipping tornado

I've just learned to not give a shit. Everyone's so in their own heads, as dno what anyone's thinking. So I just enjoy my lil self bubble if I'm alone and I've found people who accept me and my ND spice.

We get on better with other who are ND too. I popped it on my profile and have had better luck, plus it tells you hey I'm chaos 😂😂

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By *morousCouple8Couple
41 weeks ago

Cumbria

Surrounding myself with ND friends has also helped me

Ben sounds awesome ❤️"

He really is. But who am I? Only he knows. Getting to know people is so weird. I don’t know what’s a mask and what is real. I have favourite nothings. Never quite sure if the personality I give is mine or the one I know they want.

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By (user no longer on site)
41 weeks ago

The more I embrace myself the more distance there is between me and the people who can't embrace difference.

Masking fully burned me out and I am just happier to love those people from a distance if the personal cost of the interaction is too high.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
41 weeks ago

Hi ND people- wanna be friends?

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By *olinOfBathMan
41 weeks ago

Corsham

"Never quite sure if the personality I give is mine or the one I know they want.

Just tell folks, "If you don't like my personality, stick around, there will be another one along in a minute. "

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By *elaninMaverickWoman
41 weeks ago

near Putney Heath

"Since getting diagnosed I am finding it really difficult because there are some things about you that you can’t seem to help but that many people want you to change.

I'm too old to give a flying fuck about being accepted. Lol!

I'm in my perimeno Karen era.

Of course easier said than done especially when you are younger.

I no longer have the physical or mental energy to be constantly masking. the GP has referred me to chronic fatigue clinic.

I still want to engage in workaholic, type A, high achiever stuff but I have to remind myself that if I do, I'm literally reducing my life span.

I'm 44 in September. My uncles were workaholics. They died at age 52. Nah I'm not trying to follow that legacy.

I also attended the funerals of 2 people who were accepted and popular but never made it to age 40.

I'm accepted for different aspects of who I am in the multiple tribes that I visit. My local pub, swinger clubs and socials, the kinksters, my local mental health support group.

I've never been accepted in my jobs because all my jobs were run by neurotypicals or just downright sociopaths. Lol! Basically unsupportive, dysfunctional systems.

So I'd rather create my own system now so i'm not masking for other people approval 8-12 hours a day

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By *smith87Man
41 weeks ago

totton

Im awaiting my assessment for ADHD. I mean I know it's definitely there being sure I was different my whole life. I see it as a good thing though. Makes us the amazing and awesome people we are

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By *imi_RougeWoman
40 weeks ago

Hampshire

My brain never really fired up yesterday.

Growing up this wasn't even a thing, but I always had anxiety, OCD, things I'd hyper focus on, very high achieving in school, but never really felt like I fitted in. It's not really been until now in my 40s that I think I'm probably inattentive ADHD. I see so many reels that I can relate to, and the whole masking thing, got that to a tee!

I really struggle to focus on important things, and get caught up with side quests, jobs never get completed. It's really fucking annoying. I always wondered why I was like that, so now I kind of understand.

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By *imi_RougeWoman
40 weeks ago

Hampshire

I also never held down a job or stayed in a relationship for more than 2 years at most. Once I'm done with something, it's over like it never existed. Even friendships!

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By *acey_RedWoman
40 weeks ago

Liverpool

Surrounding myself with ND friends has also helped me

Ben sounds awesome ❤️

I've always struggled with choosing favourites too and I watched a video about how autistic people can too all or nothing with it. Trying to think of one favourite to commit to for life and would ve willing to sacrifice all other options for when most people don't put that much pressure on the answer. That resonated with me.

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By *rimal InstinctCouple
40 weeks ago

Carlisle

"Since getting diagnosed I am finding it really difficult because there are some things about you that you can’t seem to help but that many people want you to change.

Growing up, I had to change things about me if I wanted to fit in. I did change a bit, but then I also protected myself (I think) at school and sixth form by not having close friends. I had girls I hung out with but none were ever close.

I have close friends now that see the real me, but they are also invariably ND. But they are only a few and singular or a couple. I don't have one big group or several groups of friends.

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By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago

I have had ND partners and agree with the sentiment around not masking. It's also much easier on the other person and so will improve your chances, not reduce them. Take care

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