FabSwingers.com forum: Imposter syndrome, low self esteem.

By *Clem-Fandango- OP Woman
3 weeks ago

Yarm

Guys assume I get a lot of attention because I'm a women on here, when actually all I really get is guys sending me photos of their dicks.

Even when I do interact with someone I'm attracted too, I tend to compare myself to their verifications they already have and immediately think I'm not good looking enough.

I've gained 2 dress sizes in 6 months due to not going to the gym and poor diet ( self inflicted, fully aware that I'm the problem )

With this recent weight gain, I'm really struggling to see why anyone would be attracted to me. So I find myself bailing out of meets and find a reason why I shouldn't meet them.

I find myself really intimidated by guys that are slim and muscly. In my head I think, if they saw me in the street they wouldn't look twice at me, let alone have sex with me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that we are all on here for the same reason. It's just sex, but does anyone else struggle with these things?

How do you navigate your insecurities with meaningless sex?

Maybe I'm just not the type of person who can have NSA sex?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
3 weeks ago

East Sussex

It could well be that you aren't wired for NSA.

I don't have insecurities about how my body looks but I do doubt that the men who contact us know the reality of a 68 year old woman's body. What it looks like, how it reacts and I know my face looks older. In my head they're expecting Madonna or Helen Mirren or even Joanna Lumley

. Therefore I'm reluctant to put myself in the way of that.

What I will tell you and honestly believe is that men wouldn't contact you if they didn't genuinely want to meet you and I bet your image of yourself is skewed to the negative

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By *exyInLatinMan
3 weeks ago

Warsop

I think a lot of people on here struggle with those insecurities Clem, even those that appear very confident online!

I am going through counselling now for that low self esteem and confidence and glad to say it is starting to work so you might wanna think about that? I still struggle though when I compare to Veris or even in forum as to why anyone would look at me once let alone twice.

I think its also worth remembering its constantly a work in progress to remain healthy mentally as well as physically, its take me a long time to realise that!

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By *ugar dayMan
3 weeks ago

London

Don't worry. I got turned down by a couple who said I looked too old.

Take it on the chin and move on. And feel free to message me on the side (anyone who feels this way).

I'll put you straight.

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By *hickthighs25Woman
3 weeks ago

Stockton

I think thats a completely normal thing to feel... i have had periods were i have felt exactly the same and probably ruined some potentially good connections and experiences because of it.

But were all humans just trying to navigate this crazy world i just go with it ❤️

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By *exyScientistsCouple
3 weeks ago

Castlebar

I've no great advice, but I absolutely 💯 share your pain. It comes and goes with me. I try to ignore it and for a time I can then it returns with a vengeance.

I overthink and over analyse but ultimately have to take every interaction for what it was. If its a one off, or if its something more...enjoy it for what it was. I think that's why I never trust or believe people on Fab. In my head people will say whatever suits them to get what they want...so I take everything with a pinch of salt.

People will say you have to accept yourself the way you are and be happy with yourself. I'm not going to say that because I know that will never happen for me.

Just try to manage your insecurities and try to find what it is that you want.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
3 weeks ago

Reading

Well for a start I am not here for just sex and make that very clear.

Self-esteem tied to weight is very natural but a terrible shame. You are so much more than what your scales tell you. I meet people who are all over the spectrum looks wise and rarely do I find the most conventionally attractive to be the most rewarding. I love when I go to clubs and see confident bigger people. They often get a lot if attention.

But ultimately it comes from within. That's where your work lies OP.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
3 weeks ago

Sussex

"Guys assume I get a lot of attention because I'm a women on here, when actually all I really get is guys sending me photos of their dicks.

Even when I do interact with someone I'm attracted too, I tend to compare myself to their verifications they already have and immediately think I'm not good looking enough.

I've gained 2 dress sizes in 6 months due to not going to the gym and poor diet ( self inflicted, fully aware that I'm the problem )

With this recent weight gain, I'm really struggling to see why anyone would be attracted to me. So I find myself bailing out of meets and find a reason why I shouldn't meet them.

I find myself really intimidated by guys that are slim and muscly. In my head I think, if they saw me in the street they wouldn't look twice at me, let alone have sex with me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that we are all on here for the same reason. It's just sex, but does anyone else struggle with these things?

How do you navigate your insecurities with meaningless sex?

Maybe I'm just not the type of person who can have NSA sex?

Hello Clem.

Having been where you feel that you are, and come out of that phase stronger and wiser, I can very well recommend taking in the recordings and YouTube videos by Paul McKenna. Being able to relax and positive visualize has reduced my self sabotaging thinking and behaviours.

Best wishes Clem

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By *peedyGMan
3 weeks ago

Telford

I struggle with this sometimes too.... I see all the ripped guys on here and think why bother sometimes, I know it's a me issue and it passes after a while.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
3 weeks ago

Leeds

I'm with you OP, when guys contact us (or me when I had my singles) I used to think you wouldn't look twice at me in the street or that they like the sexy pics but they aren't real life.

I take a compliment with an eye roll and assume it's false in an aim to get their dick wet.

For many any hole is a goal and that's not me, nor does it feel like a compliment when your spoken to like a walking talking vagina.

Like you I've also gained some weight and I can't get used to it.....

For this reason I don't meet, I can't expect anyone to like me when I don't like myself.

Mrs

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By *ittlemissFlirtyCouple
3 weeks ago

The bottom of the River Ankh

"I'm with you OP, when guys contact us (or me when I had my singles) I used to think you wouldn't look twice at me in the street or that they like the sexy pics but they aren't real life.

I take a compliment with an eye roll and assume it's false in an aim to get their dick wet.

For many any hole is a goal and that's not me, nor does it feel like a compliment when your spoken to like a walking talking vagina.

Like you I've also gained some weight and I can't get used to it.....

For this reason I don't meet, I can't expect anyone to like me when I don't like myself.

Mrs "

Oh you've totally hit the nail on the head x

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
3 weeks ago

Carlisle usually

Hola Clem. Excellent name choice, I heartily approve.

I've been both 22 stone and 9 stone in my adult life. Any sudden changes make you feel uncomfortable in your skin when the mirror doesn't show what you're used to.

The key is to embrace what's there, not what used to be. I mean, it really isn't that easy, I still find myself pining for my old big fat butt or my younger perkier boobs. I started climbing out of my self hatred phase by focusing on one thing I did like about myself and building up from there. My legs were it for me, and it took time to even begin to accept the rest. But, the butt I have now is pretty fucking great. The tits I have are perfectly good enough. I've got loose skin on my stomach and arms that I hate, I've got hip dips and imperfections all over. But, you know what, I'm still fucking hot. I'm so much more than my flaws, and so are you.

I remember there was an absolute Adonis that had flirted with me for years and years, I always assumed he was just being friendly or taking the piss, because what the fuck would someone who looked like they could model designer underwear want with some weirdly shaped goth oddball like me. Turns out he was genuinely interested in me as well as an actually really lovely person. Sadly we were absolutely incompatible in the bedroom, but hey. When I lost all the weight I got really annoyed at everyone who told me I obviously wouldn't be interested in them because they weren't hot enough, as if the sort of person I'm attracted to is determined entirely by my own body type. I realised how unfair it is to project that onto other people too.

Back when I was younger I did a lot of NSA. I don't find that that's good for self esteem. It may well be absolutely your choice to fuck em and bail, but every so often that lingering doubt that you're just not worth sticking around for for them either creeps in. The good news is you can swing with regular partners. You can form meaningful relationships with people without it meaning you have to move in together or get married or give up any of the life you've built for yourself.

Surrounding yourself with the right people helps. People who you adore and respect and who adore and respect you too. On my lowest days there's always someone cheering my corner. Even when I can't see it myself I'm safe in the knowledge that I am enough, because of the people around me.

You're good enough for the right people Clem, I promise 💜

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By *hekaiserMan
3 weeks ago

Glasgow

Hi OP...i get what you mean.

I've put on weight, haven't been near the gym since March.

Im 42 and still think im 20 and still that fit 20 year old, in reality, im overweight and losing hair via male pattern baldness. A woman refused to meet me as she thought i was too hairy.

There will always be someone who will find you attractive as a person and vice versa.

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By *ittleLiaisonsWoman
3 weeks ago

Birmingham

Honestly, I would take a break from the scene if I was feeling this way. Speaking from experience, it can be a dangerous cycle when feeling low and seeking validation in others and sex. It's supposed to be a time that makes you feel good, not question your worth so its important to take time to find it.

In regards to the way people interact on here, no they wouldn't act the same in real life. Not because there's anything wrong with you, because no one on here does. Most of the time women on here are seen as sex objects, nothing more and nothing less.. who you are and what you look like rarely comes in to it.

Take a little time to figure out what you want and need. If you feel a certain way about how men treat you or the nsa dynamic, you might be in a place where you're ready for something more meaningful.

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By *oodmessMan
3 weeks ago

yumsville

I think imposter syndrome is to do with not recognising your value.. achievement wise, in life, as someone sitting next to their peers. Not being body confident brings on other issues, as does low self esteem. I'm not that familiar with it, it's just my take.

I think everyone has confidence issues at some point and everyone has people think less or more of them that they don't expect too.. just thoughts.

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By *avinaTVTV/TS
3 weeks ago

Transsexual Transylvania

Oh, I so feel your pain with impostor syndrome.

Weight isn't my issue. Every time I dress, I look at myself and see an excruciatinhly obvious bloke in skirt. I don't go out in public dressed. I did it once, and the looks and comments destroyed my confidence to do it again. I think a lot of Tgirls will admit to the same feelings.

🤗

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By *eardedguy83Man
3 weeks ago

Worcestershire

I feel your pain OP. We all go through this at many points in our lives I’m sure.

I find it very easy to be tough on myself and do myself down. I think it’s a self defence mechanism.

Self confidence can easily be shattered with a comment intentional or unintentional.

When you are feeling this way, there are always good people on here or in your circle of friends who will appreciate the nice things about you.

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By *viatrixWoman
3 weeks ago

Redhill

I have felt all those things you’ve said, multiple times.

Though I am not the muscly guys’ type- nor are they mine, so in that aspect I think I don’t get that much imposter’s syndrome. I love tall, lean geeky types and thankfully they like me too! 😆😍

Right now I am 10 days into looking after myself, after some bad blood test results and I am feeling great. I will lose weight in this process but from now on this -will- have to be my lifestyle as otherwise my health will suffer. And in return I will get more confidence too!

But this site jas always been a good confidence booster.

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By *ant...stay...awayCouple
3 weeks ago

South Wales

OP - like any social media, we see the best sides of everyone else, with favourable lighting and the best of dozens of pics chosen to upload.

What we see in ourselves are the less flattering pics, and the less flattering sides, but never recognise our own good sides. Don't forget we all have our lumps, our bumps, our weight gains and our insecurities.

The difference between this site and other social media is that the forums here can be a wonderfully uplifting supportive space. Everyone who is brave enough to put themselves out here is beautiful ❤️

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