FabSwingers.com forum: ADD A JOKE

By *uton_couple OP Couple
over a year ago

luton

lets have a few jokes to cheer us up during this oncoming ice age , like ...

im very popular as a waiter at my local nudist camp , as i can carry 2 trays and 5 doughnuts

i was making love to my new girlfriend who is extreemly BBW

i said to her is it ok if i turn off the light , she said " why do you want to do something kinky "

i said " no the light bulb is burning my arse "

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By *Ecouple113Couple
over a year ago

hebburn

Why are women like hurricains??

When they cum they are wet and wild and when they go the take the house and car with them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guy says to his wife "when I look at myself in the mirror, I get an hard on"

Wife replies "thats coz your a c**t"

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By *Ecouple113Couple
over a year ago

hebburn

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Cause they have no balls to scratch

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

whats the defination of INDEFINATELY

when there balls are smacking your arse it is IN DEFINATELY

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lawyer was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked...... “So, what’s the catch?”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

1st sheep: moo 2nd sheep: moo?? 1st sheep: im learning a foreign language

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Six Short Stories For Men, By Men

ONE

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.

I said, "Mourning?."

He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

THREE

My wife was in labour with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

FOUR

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghani neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

SIX

A former girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A rubber band was confiscated from a pupil in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

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By *ig badMan
over a year ago

Up North :-)

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One swinger to the other

"take my wife, please"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21.. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by

the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the

car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself

as he ran home and started to tell his mother,

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the

woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a

big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped

Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said,

"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of

it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you

tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground

and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to

look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take

off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,

then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy

and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you

interrupt.

oh and don't cheat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Liverpool fc have a new sponser, Cilit Bang.

It removes crap from any cup

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you heard about the morning after pill for men!? It changes your DNA

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Albinos....Now, I can't say fairer than that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the differance between Man Utd & the M62 motorway.

The M62 goes past Leeds

Steve 0-1

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

Written By Kids

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like

sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the

chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to

marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who

you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by

then. -- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get

married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at

the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know

each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually

gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the

newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --

Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess

with that - - Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry

them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm

never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed

out. -- Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need

someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --

Kelvin, age 8

And the Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a

truck. -- Ricky, age 10

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Whats the differance between Man Utd & the M62 motorway.

The M62 goes past Leeds

Steve 0-1

What's the difference between Leeds and Manchester?

People outside of Manchester know where it is.

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

"Whats the differance between Man Utd & the M62 motorway.

The M62 goes past Leeds

Steve 0-1

What's the difference between Leeds and Manchester?

People outside of Manchester know where it is."

Only one good thing comes out of Leeds and that's the M62

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Whats the differance between Man Utd & the M62 motorway.

The M62 goes past Leeds

Steve 0-1

What's the difference between Leeds and Manchester?

People outside of Manchester know where it is.

Only one good thing comes out of Leeds and that's the M62

pmsl

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

THE 3 RINGS OF MARRIAGE

Engagement Ring

Wedding Ring

And

Suffering Ring

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Conversation heard at the coffee machine: "Tell me Sam, how long have you

been working here?'

__Sam: "Ever since they threatened to fire me !".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Whats the differance between Man Utd & the M62 motorway.

The M62 goes past Leeds

Steve 0-1

What's the difference between Leeds and Manchester?

People outside of Manchester know where it is.

Only one good thing comes out of Leeds and that's the M62

Now come on your pushing things a bit far now to try to suggest Bolton could be better than Leeds is a leap of imagination too far.

You cant kid us we have to live here so we know what Bolton is like big time.

Steve

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims: "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days..

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

"What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds: "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days.

"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents. But I will still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds: "I'd like to speak to my horse.....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

"Listen Very Carefully you Four-Legged Fool!!!!

"FOR... THE... LAST.... TIME... I SAID .....

"BRING POSSE"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick stoopid!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two friends:

- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?

- Of course! How many people are coming?

- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

The Missing Tampons!

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4

sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc.

SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would

be using Female products.....correct?

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house.

Tampons were disappearing!

Ok....A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month I go back to the cupboard.....

and VOILA....there is only ONE tampon left again.

What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store

and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL.....I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD....at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God,

what are they doing with them??????

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for

my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their

room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said "What are you doing with

THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer

caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent

and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing

with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE

make really good SCUD missiles...

What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!"

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

How many rugby players does it take to change a lightbulb?

15. One to change it, the other 14 to sing about how they shagged it.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

3. One to change it, the other two to discuss how much better it is without men.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2. But more are welcome to join in!

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful ?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb ?"

God says: "So she would love you."

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston

There was a young fellow from Leeds

who swallowed a packet of seeds

in less than an hour

his arse was a flower

and his balls were a bundle of s

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

- What Bill Gates' wife says him when they make love?

- Bill, you are so MICRO, you are so SOFT.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach ?

It's not hard !

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

My wedding night was abit of a nightmare.

My mates got me d*unk and told me I had to "stamp my authority" on my marriage from day one, so I went to bed with my new wife determined to do just that.

I took off my trousers, and said to my wife "put these on", to which she replied " dont be silly, they dont fit me". "Correct, and so remember, its me who wears the trousers" says I.

Quick as a flash, she whips off her knickers, and says "put them on", "mmmm, kinky" thought I, but there was no way I was going to get into them, and thats what I told her. "Yes, and if you continue with that attitude, thats the way it will stay!" says she!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 pensioner muslim extremist were sitting down on a rug one morning over a cup of herbal tea discussing their children.

One of the men says, "My son has become a martyr for the cause. He was 26 years old."

A second man says, "My son also became a martyr for the cause. He was 21."

The last man says, "My son also became a martyr for the cause. He was just 16 years old."

After a moment's silence the first man says, "They blow up so quick these days."

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

My wife left me...I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had

to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big

drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed

the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at

the receipt and saw £45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up

beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I

told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a majestrate with no bollocks ?

Justice Prick

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By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

Old one. Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other this mad cows disease is a bit scary. Aren't you worried? Second cow says why the fuck should I be worried i'm a chicken.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There was this Ni Oh hold on I know There was this Pa Oh hold on cant do that one either Patrick and Oh No hold on I will be back...

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By *he Happy ManMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

What do older women have that younger women don't?

A belly button in-between their nipples.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats green and slimey and hangs in the corner of the room...?

A gob web...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Researchers have discovered that Excess masturbation causes dislexia hwevor tihs si olny ni etxreem csases fo slef aubse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wife says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career & a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wank!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasaurus (as in mega sore arse)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

little jonny runs into the kitchen and says to his mum "the bulls fucking one of the cows"

mum says" jonny you shouldnt say that its a rude word"

"what should i say then"

mum replies"say the bulls surprising the cow"

next day jonny runs in"mummy the bulls surprising all the cows"

Mum"he cant be surprising all the cows"

jonny "yes he is hes fucking the horse"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It looks like Alex Reid has found God in the Big Brother house.

That's not the first time he's found a backwards dog.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done In 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston

Heather Mills has put in an official complaint to the producers of Dancing on Ice, saying it was insensitive o make her dance to..... Footloose!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A little boy says to his mother, "Mummy why am I black and you are white?" His mother replied, "don't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sorry but cant stop

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

Johnnys mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.

She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny had finished removing his mothers panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE dont wear any of my clothes to school any more!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 glasgweian nuns r in a car when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.the nun behind the wheel screamed at her friend show him ur cross the nun leans out the window an shouts..get tae fuck ya prick or ill boot ya baws lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a nursery teacher asks her class if any of them can use the word definately in a sentence.amy says'the sky is definately blue' the teacher points out that it can also be orange or grey. ian tries with 'the tree r definately green' sorry but in the autumn they're brown says the teacher.little johnny stands up 'do farts have lumps? the teacher is horrified.an replies no of course not dont be so silly OK ..ive DEFINATELY shit myself lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently, the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn't mean what i thought it did !!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Granny ( Crumpet?? ) calls 999, call goes as follows

Operator~~ Which service do you require??

Granny~~ Fire brigade, and hurry!!

Operator, ~~ whats the nature of the emergency??

Granny,~~ There are two hairy biker type men climbing towards my bedroom window trying to get in, they are saying things of a sexual nature and I think they want to ravish me !!

Operator ~~ well surely its the police you require??

Granny~~ nooooooo the fire brigade, they need a longer ladder !!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bloke walks into a pub, orders a drink and sees a big bull dog behind the bar licking his bollocks.

He says to the landlord, i wish i could do that, the landlord replies give him a biscuit and he might let you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

roses r red..violets r blue

faces like urs belong in the zoo

dont be mad ill be there 2

not in the cage but waving at u lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Which is the odd one out... a shark, a lobster, a crab or a scouser? The shark. The other three pinch like fuck & wear shell suits.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Had my annual health check yesterday. Nurse told me i had 2 stop masterbating. I asked y? She said "because i'm trying to examine you!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

5000 men surveyed were asked why they liked your blowjob's. 1 % liked warmth 2 % liked sensation. 3 % liked eroticism. 94 % just liked the peace & quiet!...

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By *1sexypairCouple
over a year ago

Retford

Had this one sent to me this morning by a mate text?

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife,

He is shown several possibilities the more see through, the higher the price. He opts for the dearest item and takes the lingerie home.

he presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks’ have an idea it’s so see through that it might as well be nothing.

I won’t put it on. Ill do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a refund and keep the money for my self.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says 'F*ck me, it wasn’t that creased in the shop;

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 nuns in a convent,a nude ghost appears and waves his cock at them & says Hocus Pocus, nun says never mind the hocus... just pocus

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently, the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn't mean what l thought it did!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If a long condom goes on a long prick and a short condom goes on a short prick, what would you put on a thick prick? ............................... A RANGER'S TOP.....PMSL

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston

I watched intently as the "other woman" delicately inserted he fingers into my wife's pussy. Understandably, there are then I decided to have a wank....

Midvives eh, Nae feckin sense of humour!!!!

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By *edhot4blkCouple
over a year ago

York/London/Crantock

ok here it goes and no i cant take the dredit for the joke it was our grand daughters...

there are 2 snowmen in the front garden and one says to there other "" i can smell carrots ""

yes it took me a while b4 i got it... stella..xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I make no apologies for seemingly inappropriate humour - I chuckled at these so I'm assuming others will too:

NEWSFLASH:

**********

Two airplanes left Liverpool's John Lennon Airport yesterday bound for Hiati, where volunteers hope to assist with the looting.

NEWSFLASH:

**********

Fifa have informed the Haitian FA that Haiti can still enter the World Cup Finals in June if they can dig up a team in time.

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

The English Tomato Garden

An old English man lived alone in the country.

He wanted to dig his tomato garden,

but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vinny, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vinny,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to

plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.

That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinny

At 4 a.m. the next morning,

FBI agents and local police arrived and dug

up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Vinny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Which is the odd one out... a shark, a lobster, a crab or a scouser? The shark. The other three pinch like fuck & wear shell suits."

Ha Ha liked it that much I found out where you live and I am coming for your wheels pmsl !!!!

only joking by the way

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 englishmen opening a shop in argyle st

are sitting in the empty shop waiting on

stock being delivered..first english man

says to his mate 'bet u we get some

scottish bastard asking wat r we selling

sure enuff within 5min the door opens

and a wee glaswegian says whit yous selling

in here big yin..the english man says

arsehole's..without missing a beat the

wee glasgweian comes bck 'yur dain well

only two left...pmsl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bryan and Simon, two gays spent all weekend in bed having sex. On the Sunday Simon says ' I'm going to the shop, now don't you be wanking while I'm away'.

When he came back there was cum all over the walls and the ceiling, Simon says 'I told you not to wank while i was away' Bryan said ' I didn't i farted!'

Ah the old ones are the best

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lmao

Can i just add me name to this thread ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Lmao

Can i just add me name to this thread ?

You have just ended this thread

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank you.

much appreciated

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got this texted today from a mate:

Some people accuse me of thinking the World revolves around me but of course it doesn't.

Everyone knows the World revolves around the Sun.

Come to think of it,the Sun shines out of my arse,so they're probably right.

XXXX

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can't take the credit for this one

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been)I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My current favourite.

Mr and Mrs Blobby were in bed.

Mrs Blobby said

"Blib blob blibble blibbly blob"

Mr Blobby said

"Oh for fucks sake ! Just swallow it !"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his cock made from Cadburys chocolate She said that she prefers Terrys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA - lesbian beds - No screwing involved. It's all tongue and groove

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man city r considering a new sponsership deal with viagra for those times when u wait years for a semi and then lose it right at the end

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When asked if he prefered legs or breasts he replied that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.

He was informed that this was not an option with a KFC bargain bucket.

Steve

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

man comes home after a night shift,his little lad is standing at the bottom of the stairs,,he says to his dad,dad what a cunt....his dad said follow me son,so off they go up stairs to the mans bedroom,he says to his son you see that between your mom's legs!!! well that's a fanny!!!! your moms a cunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When asked if he prefered legs or breasts he replied that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.

He was informed that this was not an option with a KFC bargain bucket.

Steve

Makes me want to go to KFC now,just to try that out!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 31/01/10 18:45:33]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”

The bar gets quiet as everyone waits to see what the other wbloke will do.

The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re pissed.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"1st sheep: moo 2nd sheep: moo?? 1st sheep: im learning a foreign language"

2 cows in a field...one say "moo" the other says "you b......d i was gunna sau that"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Re-hab is for quitters lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whilst sitting at traffic lights,saw on the back of a dirty white van,someone had wrote (i wish my wife was as dirty as this,swomeone else had added below(she is!!) that made my monday morning LOL bigtime,simplest of things i know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A tramp walks into a jewellers, pulls done his pants and starts picking his arse.

The shopp assisstants shouts get out you dirty ba*****d!.

The tramp says make your bloody mind up and points to a sign in the window.

"Come inside and pick your ring in comfort".

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