FabSwingers.com mobile

Join us FREE, we're FREE to use

Web's largest swingers site since 2006.

Already registered?
Login here

Back to forum list
Back to The Lounge

Where's the Line Between Fantasy and Fetishization? (Race & Desire)

Jump to newest
 

By *heitaliandreamer OP   Man
5 weeks ago

Northampton

Hi all,

This is a genuine and serious question I’ve been thinking about for a while, and I’d really appreciate hearing different perspectives especially from people of colour or those who’ve experienced this dynamic firsthand.

In the swinging and kink scenes, people often share their fantasies openly, which is great. But I’ve noticed that sometimes race gets brought into sexual preferences in a way that makes me uncomfortable. For example, listing things like “only into Black guys” or “looking for Asian women” as a preference it makes me wonder: when does a sexual preference or fantasy cross the line into racial fetishization?

Is it ever okay to eroticize someone’s race as part of a fantasy? Or is that always objectifying, even if it’s consensual? How do you all see the difference between someone being turned on by certain cultural stereotypes vs. having a genuine, respectful attraction that includes race as one of many factors?

I’m not trying to shame anyone — I just want to understand where others draw the line between fantasy and something that might be racist, even unintentionally. It's a complicated topic, but I think it’s worth discussing honestly.

This is a serious thread, and it would be really lovely not to be mocked for raising it as unfortunately does happen a lot with these kinds of discussions. I’m coming from a place of curiosity and respect.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *OTSOSUBTLEMan
5 weeks ago

DUBLIN

Negro men seem to be more well-endowed from some of the pics I've seen on here. Some women like a giant cock, many don't if you read between the lines of the forums. My own experience of fantasy and fantasy fulfilment is that the two are far apart. I prefer to have things spring on me in the heat of the moment rather than be prepared in advance.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *heitaliandreamer OP   Man
5 weeks ago

Northampton


"Negro men seem to be more well-endowed from some of the pics I've seen on here. Some women like a giant cock, many don't if you read between the lines of the forums. My own experience of fantasy and fantasy fulfilment is that the two are far apart. I prefer to have things spring on me in the heat of the moment rather than be prepared in advance. "

Thank you for your reply

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *rHotNottsMan
5 weeks ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I think we fetishishe so many aspects of appearance, personality & culture so why would we create a problem with ‘racial’ skin colour (bear in mind there are many skin colours that are not racial) or race as a whole ?

What is race anyway? In a sexual attraction context it’s just some physical features, so it’s okay to like redheads or black hair and pale skin, and green eyes? We are effectively describing many Irish women there, is that allowed?

My ancestry is northern Europe. We are fair head and tall with naturally power skin. I don’t have any problem with women who only want to meet guys like that. 😂

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *sStephenPickleMan
5 weeks ago

Ends

As a Black person who receives fetishisation in my inbox and has done since I joined this site and someone who has spoken to other Black people about their own experiences (not in a fab setting) with racial fetishisation, I can confidently say that often you just know when an attraction is genuine and when it’s a fetish.

People who value us and our experience, people who don’t base their attraction on stereotypes, people who understand the harm of stereotypes, even when they’re positive, people who are attracted to us and that attraction is inclusive of the fact that we aren’t a monolith and we come in different appearances and have different cultures and values etc etc.

People who don’t have a genuine attraction to us also don’t care about sexual fantasies or about the complexion of mixed children or wish their own or their child’s hair was curlier or that their skin was darker etc.

They don’t hyper sexualise us. That is more than just penis size or the shape of our bodies, it’s us as beings.

Oh and of course their attraction isn’t limited to only us and they don’t expect that sex with us will be any different *BECAUSE* we are Black.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *heitaliandreamer OP   Man
5 weeks ago

Northampton


"I think we fetishishe so many aspects of appearance, personality & culture so why would we create a problem with ‘racial’ skin colour (bear in mind there are many skin colours that are not racial) or race as a whole ?

What is race anyway? In a sexual attraction context it’s just some physical features, so it’s okay to like redheads or black hair and pale skin, and green eyes? We are effectively describing many Irish women there, is that allowed?

My ancestry is northern Europe. We are fair head and tall with naturally power skin. I don’t have any problem with women who only want to meet guys like that. 😂"

Thank you

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *sStephenPickleMan
5 weeks ago

Ends


"Negro men seem to be more well-endowed from some of the pics I've seen on here. Some women like a giant cock, many don't if you read between the lines of the forums. My own experience of fantasy and fantasy fulfilment is that the two are far apart. I prefer to have things spring on me in the heat of the moment rather than be prepared in advance. "

I find it hard to consider the experiences that might make you think referring to Black men as ‘negro men’ is still appropriate but just wanted to let you know, man, that we don’t use that as a term these days.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *heitaliandreamer OP   Man
5 weeks ago

Northampton


"As a Black person who receives fetishisation in my inbox and has done since I joined this site and someone who has spoken to other Black people about their own experiences (not in a fab setting) with racial fetishisation, I can confidently say that often you just know when an attraction is genuine and when it’s a fetish.

People who value us and our experience, people who don’t base their attraction on stereotypes, people who understand the harm of stereotypes, even when they’re positive, people who are attracted to us and that attraction is inclusive of the fact that we aren’t a monolith and we come in different appearances and have different cultures and values etc etc.

People who don’t have a genuine attraction to us also don’t care about sexual fantasies or about the complexion of mixed children or wish their own or their child’s hair was curlier or that their skin was darker etc.

They don’t hyper sexualise us. That is more than just penis size or the shape of our bodies, it’s us as beings.

Oh and of course their attraction isn’t limited to only us and they don’t expect that sex with us will be any different *BECAUSE* we are Black. "

Thanks a lot

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ad NannaWoman
5 weeks ago

East London

I've been fetishized by men who like a huge bum and boobs.

It's nothing shameful, obviously, but it ruins my vibe if they obsess over them.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *sStephenPickleMan
5 weeks ago

Ends


"I think we fetishishe so many aspects of appearance, personality & culture so why would we create a problem with ‘racial’ skin colour (bear in mind there are many skin colours that are not racial) or race as a whole ?

What is race anyway? In a sexual attraction context it’s just some physical features, so it’s okay to like redheads or black hair and pale skin, and green eyes? We are effectively describing many Irish women there, is that allowed?

My ancestry is northern Europe. We are fair head and tall with naturally power skin. I don’t have any problem with women who only want to meet guys like that. 😂"

The fetishisation of Black people is attached to power and historical racist myths though which is why there’s differences. Just like myths around many East Asian women.

The fetishisation isn’t limited to physical characteristics either. Race, is even in this context, made real by the fact that our skin colour comes with it assumptions about our personalities, about our cultures, about our behaviours and about other things too.

Just consider the language that is used to describe Black men and women who are fetishised by others. ‘Wild’, ‘aggressive’, etc.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *eltCuteMightDeleteWoman
5 weeks ago

Reading

I'm hugely privileged in that I come across in pictures/online as very white passing so it doesn't happen as often that I'm fetishised for my ethnic background. In person, that I'm not white is (probably) more apparent and in clubs I've had some gross attention from 'exotic' seekers. And it's obvious when someone is into you because they want to tick a different ethnicity off their sex list and when they're into me because of my sparking personality and wit.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *sStephenPickleMan
5 weeks ago

Ends


"I'm hugely privileged in that I come across in pictures/online as very white passing so it doesn't happen as often that I'm fetishised for my ethnic background. In person, that I'm not white is (probably) more apparent and in clubs I've had some gross attention from 'exotic' seekers. And it's obvious when someone is into you because they want to tick a different ethnicity off their sex list and when they're into me because of my sparking personality and wit. "

The personality and wit 😍

But I think like you say, you just know. It’s just obvious. And I think not always being able to pinpoint it to one thing makes it feel like it’s imagined even when it’s not.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *inky PerkyCouple
5 weeks ago

Kingston

If something is consensual, then it's OK by definition.

I've always been uncomfortable with the whole BBC obsession that certain women seem to have as it seems to hark back to some very old fashioned stereotypes but if it works for those concerned then my level of comfort is irrelevant. It doesn't concern me and I'm in no place to judge.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ittlebirdWoman
5 weeks ago

The Big Smoke

From my point of view OP anyone who sees me as a means to fulfil their fetish is swiftly fucked off.

I’m a living breathing human being - not a toy.

I see why it is offensive to all those that are made to feel that way.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *oeBeansMan
5 weeks ago

Derby

Quite simply, I think the venn diagram of fantasy and fetishisation is a circle where there motivation of those things come from perceived stereotypes, all of which absolutely disgust me.

I've seen white women want black men because they supposedly have massive cocks, Indian men thinking white women are "easy" so can say what they want, white men wanting Asian women because of a supposed taboo in their culture and it's all fucking sickening because it doesn't allow people to see others for who they are. Just a box to tick off the fuck-it list 😒

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *inky PerkyCouple
5 weeks ago

Kingston


"The fetishisation of Black people is attached to power and historical racist myths though which is why there’s differences. Just like myths around many East Asian women.

The fetishisation isn’t limited to physical characteristics either. Race, is even in this context, made real by the fact that our skin colour comes with it assumptions about our personalities, about our cultures, about our behaviours and about other things too.

Just consider the language that is used to describe Black men and women who are fetishised by others. ‘Wild’, ‘aggressive’, etc. "

Great answer. But how much of those stereotypes would you pander to if it meant getting with a really hot woman? At what point would you pull the ripcord?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *estructionDollyWoman
5 weeks ago

Manchester

I find the extent of the fetishisation of race on here weird and uncomfortable. More so, the way it is spoken about, by some people, as if people of certain races are a novelty sex toy brought in to fulfil their fantasies and then fucked off again after. Like, they literally don't care about the person, what they like, their desires.. . Just certain physical attributes they might have and what they can provide for the person seeking them.

It harks back to old fashioned racial stereotypes about certain groups being hypersexual and "animalistic" and "exotic". It's weird and makes me cringe.

You get it to a lesser extent with the fetishisation of fat women/bbw women on here. I don't like that either, and I tend not to engage where I feel it is tipping over from appreciation into fetishisation.

They don't see you as a whole rounded person, just a set of physical attributes and stereotypes.

Same with the "dumb blonde/bimbo stereotypes" etc. I find them all problematic.

But if consenting people wish to engage with that well... more power to them, I wish them well.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *eliWoman
5 weeks ago

.

I think it's consensual objectification isn't it? When someone willingly labels themselves as a particular way, buys in to the trope and welcomes others who do also. More power to them if that's something they enjoy.

A respectful attraction is evident. It's when they start playing the guess my race game, when they tell me they've never been with anyone exotic or how they've always "wanted to be with a black woman" because they are "extra freaky". Yep. That's something I've been told before. I really, really don't think I'm exotic. In the slightest.

I think it crosses from a preference in to fetishising when it's no longer about the person, they're an object. Great if you're evidently signed up to it, less so if you're not. I find it uncomfortable being on the receiving end.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *sStephenPickleMan
5 weeks ago

Ends


"The fetishisation of Black people is attached to power and historical racist myths though which is why there’s differences. Just like myths around many East Asian women.

The fetishisation isn’t limited to physical characteristics either. Race, is even in this context, made real by the fact that our skin colour comes with it assumptions about our personalities, about our cultures, about our behaviours and about other things too.

Just consider the language that is used to describe Black men and women who are fetishised by others. ‘Wild’, ‘aggressive’, etc.

Great answer. But how much of those stereotypes would you pander to if it meant getting with a really hot woman? At what point would you pull the ripcord? "

At no point?

In the past I’ve ignored it and I feel sick for that but at my age there’s no level of hotness that is worth compromising my values around who I am and what I’m worth.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ad NannaWoman
5 weeks ago

East London

I had a black man ask me if I'd been blacked before and referred to himself as the N word.

Total curve ball as we were naked, in the actual act.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *sStephenPickleMan
5 weeks ago

Ends

My biggest thing is yes consent but people who engage in specific types of race play have to be able to, within themselves, get into that character and use those slurs. I just don’t get that.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *rHotNottsMan
5 weeks ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"I think we fetishishe so many aspects of appearance, personality & culture so why would we create a problem with ‘racial’ skin colour (bear in mind there are many skin colours that are not racial) or race as a whole ?

What is race anyway? In a sexual attraction context it’s just some physical features, so it’s okay to like redheads or black hair and pale skin, and green eyes? We are effectively describing many Irish women there, is that allowed?

My ancestry is northern Europe. We are fair head and tall with naturally power skin. I don’t have any problem with women who only want to meet guys like that. 😂

The fetishisation of Black people is attached to power and historical racist myths though which is why there’s differences. Just like myths around many East Asian women.

The fetishisation isn’t limited to physical characteristics either. Race, is even in this context, made real by the fact that our skin colour comes with it assumptions about our personalities, about our cultures, about our behaviours and about other things too.

Just consider the language that is used to describe Black men and women who are fetishised by others. ‘Wild’, ‘aggressive’, etc. "

I get that and I agree that may come from of racism (the BBC stereotype & obsession) either conscious or un concious , but how do we know that? Aren’t we at risk of judging other people on their preferences?

How can we know that a preference for skin color must imply some kind of un concious racism and differentiate that from a preference of hair colour , eye color or body shape that does not ?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *sStephenPickleMan
5 weeks ago

Ends


"I think we fetishishe so many aspects of appearance, personality & culture so why would we create a problem with ‘racial’ skin colour (bear in mind there are many skin colours that are not racial) or race as a whole ?

What is race anyway? In a sexual attraction context it’s just some physical features, so it’s okay to like redheads or black hair and pale skin, and green eyes? We are effectively describing many Irish women there, is that allowed?

My ancestry is northern Europe. We are fair head and tall with naturally power skin. I don’t have any problem with women who only want to meet guys like that. 😂

The fetishisation of Black people is attached to power and historical racist myths though which is why there’s differences. Just like myths around many East Asian women.

The fetishisation isn’t limited to physical characteristics either. Race, is even in this context, made real by the fact that our skin colour comes with it assumptions about our personalities, about our cultures, about our behaviours and about other things too.

Just consider the language that is used to describe Black men and women who are fetishised by others. ‘Wild’, ‘aggressive’, etc.

I get that and I agree that may come from of racism (the BBC stereotype & obsession) either conscious or un concious , but how do we know that? Aren’t we at risk of judging other people on their preferences?

How can we know that a preference for skin color must imply some kind of un concious racism and differentiate that from a preference of hair colour , eye color or body shape that does not ?

"

It’s hard to explain but when you know, you know

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ittlebirdWoman
5 weeks ago

The Big Smoke


"I had a black man ask me if I'd been blacked before and referred to himself as the N word.

Total curve ball as we were naked, in the actual act.

"

What did you do?

😳

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ad NannaWoman
5 weeks ago

East London


"I had a black man ask me if I'd been blacked before and referred to himself as the N word.

Total curve ball as we were naked, in the actual act.

What did you do?

😳"

Stared at him -his face was inches from mine- and said I've had black lovers before yes, and I don't like that term. Then he got out some flogging items and handcuffs, put them on me-after asking if it was ok-and nothing was said about it again.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ittlebirdWoman
5 weeks ago

The Big Smoke


"I had a black man ask me if I'd been blacked before and referred to himself as the N word.

Total curve ball as we were naked, in the actual act.

What did you do?

😳

Stared at him -his face was inches from mine- and said I've had black lovers before yes, and I don't like that term. Then he got out some flogging items and handcuffs, put them on me-after asking if it was ok-and nothing was said about it again.

"

Good for you darling. What a shit thing for him to say

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 
 

By *ad NannaWoman
5 weeks ago

East London


"I had a black man ask me if I'd been blacked before and referred to himself as the N word.

Total curve ball as we were naked, in the actual act.

What did you do?

😳

Stared at him -his face was inches from mine- and said I've had black lovers before yes, and I don't like that term. Then he got out some flogging items and handcuffs, put them on me-after asking if it was ok-and nothing was said about it again.

Good for you darling. What a shit thing for him to say "

He was such a polite gentleman up until then.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
Post new Message to Thread
back to top