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Pickle’s poly podcast

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By *sStephenPickle OP   Man
9 weeks ago

Ends

Poly people, have you ever come across a cowboy or cowgirl who tries to lasso you away from being poly. Or someone who thinks they can do poly but then can’t and try to get you to have some kind of exclusivity with them?

Non poly people, have you ever got involved with a person you knew was poly, despite not being poly yourself?

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By *gent CoulsonMan
9 weeks ago

Secret hideaway in the pennines

In answer to your poly question, yes I have had someone try to steer me away from poly to go mono

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By *sStephenPickle OP   Man
9 weeks ago

Ends


"In answer to your poly question, yes I have had someone try to steer me away from poly to go mono"

I just don’t get their thought process

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By *gent CoulsonMan
9 weeks ago

Secret hideaway in the pennines


"In answer to your poly question, yes I have had someone try to steer me away from poly to go mono

I just don’t get their thought process "
I guess the idea of sharing is good, the reality isn't what they thought.

Being poly with multiple partners cuts the time you can give to one individual

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By *ulieScrumptiousWoman
9 weeks ago

North West

Cowgirl you say? 😈 Yeehaaaa!

Seriously, I’ve not had that. The monogamous finite love mindset is hard for some to overcome. Every so often it still plays its tricks on my brain. I’d be checking if someone is doing it because they’re not getting their needs met though.

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By *sStephenPickle OP   Man
9 weeks ago

Ends


"In answer to your poly question, yes I have had someone try to steer me away from poly to go mono

I just don’t get their thought process I guess the idea of sharing is good, the reality isn't what they thought.

Being poly with multiple partners cuts the time you can give to one individual"

I think time is fair. I think people also just like to feel special and they think poly undermines that

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By *sStephenPickle OP   Man
9 weeks ago

Ends


"Cowgirl you say? 😈 Yeehaaaa!

Seriously, I’ve not had that. The monogamous finite love mindset is hard for some to overcome. Every so often it still plays its tricks on my brain. I’d be checking if someone is doing it because they’re not getting their needs met though."

I take it you like cowgirl?

I think the most difficult thing I’ve navigated is changes in energy. But I never thought, I want all your energy.

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By *ansoffateMan
9 weeks ago

Sagittarius A

I met someone who said they were poly set their boundaries, then said they weren't poly, changed the boundaries, then wanted levels of exclusivity from me, but that meant they were cheating on their partner, so that got them all fucked up. She shifted around so much, she would step over boundaries she had set herself the day before.

I think when people categorise things like poly and mono into distinctly polarised opposites, then we become blinkered to what exists between the concepts and defined by the concepts. Black and white thinking, splitting, ambivalence, aporia and so on.

Poly itself has many dynamic forms. There can be exclusivity in terms of a nesting partner. Or in many cases, what is shared in terms of communication. Is everything out in the open a la kitchen table? With every partner, right from the start? That's very rare in my experience. I have seen something close in an Anarchist squat, but that had it's complexities too.

Its illuminating watching people get caught piggy in the middle, between people who both want their attention at the same time, but are also 'happy to share'.

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By *ulieScrumptiousWoman
9 weeks ago

North West


"Cowgirl you say? 😈 Yeehaaaa!

Seriously, I’ve not had that. The monogamous finite love mindset is hard for some to overcome. Every so often it still plays its tricks on my brain. I’d be checking if someone is doing it because they’re not getting their needs met though.

I take it you like cowgirl?

I think the most difficult thing I’ve navigated is changes in energy. But I never thought, I want all your energy.

"

Do you mean when you or they have NRE? Or just other stuff going on?

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By *rHotNottsMan
9 weeks ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Yeah, it’s quite offensive, isn’t it? When they say things like I could give you everything you want, you wouldn’t want anybody else, they really don’t fucking understand what it is you want - the most basic thing I want is sex with other people. I hate having to say it it’s not you it’s me but they take it so personally like they have failed.

It’s a bit like the whole you can’t blame me for falling for you because you are everything a woman could want an eye respond can’t you? Just control yourself? I have to do that with just about everybody I meet.

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By *electableicecreamMan
9 weeks ago

The West

Yes. I've just come out of a poly relationship with the realisation that I am not poly. I knew what I was getting into. After a great few years in the ENM/Swinging scene I thought it would be fine and I welcomed it. It wasn't good.

I'm sad about it. I didn't want to leave the relationship but there wasn't any other choice. She also new it was my first time in such a relationship and we had talked about the risk.

I'm still unhappy about it 😔

At the same time. Now I know. And I'm glad that I challenged a part of myself.

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By *arlequin_tearsMan
9 weeks ago

Sheffield


"Poly people, have you ever come across a cowboy or cowgirl who tries to lasso you away from being poly. Or someone who thinks they can do poly but then can’t and try to get you to have some kind of exclusivity with them?"

Was seeing a friend who was open to being poly and swinging. Wanted me to organise things. But when someone got interested in my got seriously territorial.

So it was okay for them to see multiple people but was unhappy if I did. However, that may have had to do with them messing with their meds.

I have seen someone monogamous shut lasso someone and they ended up denying they had ever been poly. They were not good people and pretty much cut said person off from lots of their friends

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By (user no longer on site)
9 weeks ago


"Poly people, have you ever come across a cowboy or cowgirl who tries to lasso you away from being poly. Or someone who thinks they can do poly but then can’t and try to get you to have some kind of exclusivity with them?

Non poly people, have you ever got involved with a person you knew was poly, despite not being poly yourself? "

🤭🤣🤣🤣🤣

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By *estructionDollyWoman
9 weeks ago

The Deep Dark Woods

My first forays into ENM were with poly or partnered ENM people I connected with on dating apps. Non-monogamy was new to me. I was open with them about that, and being unsure about what I wanted, and for the most part it was a very positive experience. I was solo poly for a few years before I decided I wanted to be single after some relationships/connections ended, and then I got more involved with "swinging".

I've not been romantically involved with anyone in any meaningful way for a couple of years now out of choice (it was what I wanted/needed at the time), and I feel like I'm very out of practice with romantic relationships. However, I would never ask someone to change their relationship style, or the boundries within their other relationships, or give up other partners (!) because I didn't like it. I find it baffling that people would. If I was unhappy, we would talk about why, and if it transpired we weren't compatible then it would end.

It feels like main character syndrome to expect someone to change something integral like that to please you. And shows a lack of compatiblity imo.

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By (user no longer on site)
9 weeks ago


"My first forays into ENM were with poly or partnered ENM people I connected with on dating apps. Non-monogamy was new to me. I was open with them about that, and being unsure about what I wanted, and for the most part it was a very positive experience. I was solo poly for a few years before I decided I wanted to be single after some relationships/connections ended, and then I got more involved with "swinging".

I've not been romantically involved with anyone in any meaningful way for a couple of years now out of choice (it was what I wanted/needed at the time), and I feel like I'm very out of practice with romantic relationships. However, I would never ask someone to change their relationship style, or the boundries within their other relationships, or give up other partners (!) because I didn't like it. I find it baffling that people would. If I was unhappy, we would talk about why, and if it transpired we weren't compatible then it would end.

It feels like main character syndrome to expect someone to change something integral like that to please you. And shows a lack of compatiblity imo. "

Nailed it🙌🙌 it goes on more than you think! The ‘do as I say; not as I do’ mentality! The ultimatums.. emotional manipulation.. it’s crazy!😅

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By *ulieScrumptiousWoman
9 weeks ago

North West


"My first forays into ENM were with poly or partnered ENM people I connected with on dating apps. Non-monogamy was new to me. I was open with them about that, and being unsure about what I wanted, and for the most part it was a very positive experience. I was solo poly for a few years before I decided I wanted to be single after some relationships/connections ended, and then I got more involved with "swinging".

I've not been romantically involved with anyone in any meaningful way for a couple of years now out of choice (it was what I wanted/needed at the time), and I feel like I'm very out of practice with romantic relationships. However, I would never ask someone to change their relationship style, or the boundries within their other relationships, or give up other partners (!) because I didn't like it. I find it baffling that people would. If I was unhappy, we would talk about why, and if it transpired we weren't compatible then it would end.

It feels like main character syndrome to expect someone to change something integral like that to please you. And shows a lack of compatiblity imo. "

This is beautifully written, I completely agree. 🩷

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By *utteredBreadMan
9 weeks ago

Manchester

I've been thinking about it for a while and I'm starting to think I might be into ENM/poly relationships. Through conventional monogoumous dating I wasn't really enjoying myself. Can't really put my finger on it but I just wouldn't click with people. Tbh part of the reason I joined fab was I thought I might find what I was looking for.

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By *heGateKeeperMan
9 weeks ago

Stratford

Personally I find the dynamic fascinating

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By *ittlebirdWoman
9 weeks ago

The Big Smoke

As an Ambiamorous person OP I struggle with the I must be poly or mono thing.

I have had poly relationships and mono ones. It all depends on the dynamic and I’m comfortable with both.

Going forward I’m looking for a mono BDSM relationship perhaps with some flexibility for both sides to involve others when or if we want to.

I won’t change from that want long term but for now I’m open to both - but not long term. I know what I want and I only want that.

FYI: Ambiamorous refers to an individual who is comfortable and enjoys both monogamous and polyamorous relationships. It describes a person who doesn't have a strong preference for one relationship style over the other and can adapt to various relationship structures. Essentially, they are open to the flexibility of different relationship arrangements

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By *ea monkeyMan
9 weeks ago

Manchester (he/him)

Yes I have and it ended pretty badly on the first instance, not too well on the second.

I think that it would be easy to set a boundary of ‘no non poly people’ in a romantic sense but that feels very limiting and personal development and growth is so important to me.

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By *ansoffateMan
9 weeks ago

Sagittarius A


"As an Ambiamorous person OP I struggle with the I must be poly or mono thing.

I have had poly relationships and mono ones. It all depends on the dynamic and I’m comfortable with both.

Going forward I’m looking for a mono BDSM relationship perhaps with some flexibility for both sides to involve others when or if we want to.

I won’t change from that want long term but for now I’m open to both - but not long term. I know what I want and I only want that.

FYI: Ambiamorous refers to an individual who is comfortable and enjoys both monogamous and polyamorous relationships. It describes a person who doesn't have a strong preference for one relationship style over the other and can adapt to various relationship structures. Essentially, they are open to the flexibility of different relationship arrangements"

Ooh a new word, and a useful one conceptually too - thank you.

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By *tormidaysWoman
9 weeks ago

Manchester

I've come to the realisation that once I'm committed to someone I'm naturally monogamous.

I wouldn't, therefore, get involved with anyone without being very clear about that

I am fascinated by different lifestyles, including Poly and I am always interested in knowing more about them as there are lessons you can take from all that can be applied (in Poly for instance I'd suggest the honesty, openess and communication needed would be aspirational in any style of relationship)

I'm very clear about what I want however, and it's not Poly for me 🥰

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By *arlequin_tearsMan
9 weeks ago

Sheffield


"

I'm very clear about what I want however, and it's not Poly for me 🥰

"

Poly and ENM isn't for everyone, but monogamy isn't a one size fits all.

I think one of the biggest things I and my partners get from being poly is mutual support. We all have health issues and different needs, and being poly means a shared load and not having to change to become everything for one person.

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By *eliWoman
9 weeks ago

.


"Yes. I've just come out of a poly relationship with the realisation that I am not poly. I knew what I was getting into. After a great few years in the ENM/Swinging scene I thought it would be fine and I welcomed it. It wasn't good.

I'm sad about it. I didn't want to leave the relationship but there wasn't any other choice. She also new it was my first time in such a relationship and we had talked about the risk.

I'm still unhappy about it 😔

At the same time. Now I know. And I'm glad that I challenged a part of myself."

Ach, I'm really sorry to read this didn't work out but it's also good you know that it's not for you.

Hey Pickle, didn't want to miss out on a poly thread!

As an aside, do you think if someone is cheating it's poly? In my mind it's a very clear no because one of the biggest things it's about is *ethical* non-monogamy. If it's not ethical, it's not poly.

Anyway... yes I've experienced it before and yes it annoys me. I might not want to date multiple people but it doesn't mean I want exclusivity. At all. I don't think there's anything wrong with people separating the categories, using new terms to explain the crossover between those who can be in poly and mono relationships equally happily.

Every person here knows that no one dynamic is the same but the main idea is... loving more than one (or the potential as you might only be dating one person at the moment but it doesn't make you less poly). And informed consent for everyone. Every. One.

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