FabSwingers.com forum: Not losing yourself in parenthood

By *sStephenPickle OP Man
10 weeks ago

Ends

Parents- how have you find it being a parent in terms of your role as parent not taking over who you are?

All you talk about? All the time you spend is on the kiddos? You rarely do things for yourself?

How has it been for you?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
10 weeks ago

East Sussex

All consuming. It's supposed to be in my opinion. You get glimmers of yourself and the odd hour or two when you can be an individual rather than someone's mum or dad but these small people depend on you for everything, how could it be anything else.

It's not for ever. They grow up and you eventually become the parent of an older child and then an adult child but you never stop being a parent and can never be who you were before they were born.

The best thing you can do in my opinion is roll with it and find small pockets of time when you do things for yourself or as a couple.

My dad still worries about me and all his kids. He tells me off for plucking my eyebrows too.

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
10 weeks ago

North East Scotland, mostly

"All consuming. It's supposed to be in my opinion. You get glimmers of yourself and the odd hour or two when you can be an individual rather than someone's mum or dad but these small people depend on you for everything, how could it be anything else.

It's not for ever. They grow up and you eventually become the parent of an older child and then an adult child but you never stop being a parent and can never be who you were before they were born.

The best thing you can do in my opinion is roll with it and find small pockets of time when you do things for yourself or as a couple.

My dad still worries about me and all his kids. He tells me off for plucking my eyebrows too.

Beautifully put. You’re not the person you were before with an add on. You’re who you are now. X

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By (user no longer on site)
10 weeks ago

I haven't been myself for the past 21 years. Mother first and foremost, wife second. I wouldn't feel like I'd done a good job at motherhood if things weren't that way.

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By *IXEN200Woman
10 weeks ago

newcastle upon tyne

Motherhood never ends my eldest is 35 and I still worry about him, and now I'm a grandmother it rolls onto them too but at least I can hand them back at the end of the day. I'm only just finding my time now when I can.

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
10 weeks ago

North East Scotland, mostly

I try not to think about it as losing myself, although I definitely have felt like that at times. It’s more finding who I am now through parenthood. If that’s not too wanky. It is a bit wanky.

Mrs TMN x

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
10 weeks ago

Reading

You do lose yourself especially if you have a special needs child. But they grow up and you can be yourself then.

That's why I am here. Finally exploring me.

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By (user no longer on site)
10 weeks ago

I have not lost myself

Does my focus of attention change, mistress definitely

I chose to have kids therefore I choose to understand that I am no longer the centre point. That they, and they are now adults, are a huge part of me

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By *rHotNottsMan
10 weeks ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I was very lucky had very supportive family and I did choose to live amongst my in-laws when the kids were babies and young so we got a lot of help I had nights out weekends away.

As they got a bit older, I think I am embraced it. I love having kids wish I’d had more I became a school governor , chair and then was involved in youth camps in the UK and abroad. I know what you’re saying but sometimes bringing up children should fully consume you, because bit by bit by bit it gets easier until it’s flipped and you are having to ride them round with food because you never see them

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By *ackformore100Man
10 weeks ago

Tin town

"Parents- how have you find it being a parent in terms of your role as parent not taking over who you are?

All you talk about? All the time you spend is on the kiddos? You rarely do things for yourself?

How has it been for you?"

I think you get out of it what you put in. You can do a little and if that's what you want for you, that's OK. You cna be all consumed and if that's what you want that's OK too. Just don't get to the point where you go.. I wish I hadn't spent so long on my phone instead of talking to my kids. They are a blessing. For me my ex stopped me seeing them and looking back I should have done more to fight but until a time machine is invented nothing I can do now.

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By (user no longer on site)
10 weeks ago

Don't show your young kid the film "jaws"

till there a bit older, otherwise they'll get scared by the end scene when quint gets eaten alive.

-They'll end up sleeping in your bed then. Like I did..

up until the age of 23..

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By (user no longer on site)
10 weeks ago

On a serious note,

When your folks have been gone a long time, you can look at old photos of them and they can seem like your own children in a way. Especially if they are younger than you are now, in the photographs..

It's weird but I've heard this from other people too.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
10 weeks ago

East Sussex

There comes a time for quite a few of us when roles are reversed and you become a parent figure to your own parents. You find yourself teaching the person who showed you how to hold a spoon how to use Facebook messenger. Protecting them from dangers they're completely unaware of eg scam callers. Sitting with them at hospital appointments so they dont miss anything. Making sure they eat.

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By *ea monkeyMan
10 weeks ago

Manchester (he/him)

I think that if you’re standing on the precipice of parenthood it’s a very daunting and scary thing.

It’s not losing yourself though, it’s becoming a deeper and less selfish version of yourself. Becoming a Dad means everything to me. Through the changes, life struggles and everything else they’ve kept me grounded and are a bigger thing than my world view.

I am me, I am everything that I was before, I’m also more humble, give more and love more because of them

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By *ackformore100Man
10 weeks ago

Tin town

Lose yourself in it and revel in it. You do the hard work why not enjoy the beauty that comes with it as much as you can. Or not... Whatever works for you.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
10 weeks ago

Leeds

I'll be honest I've lost myself, I don't know who I am anymore, my sense of self has vanished.

I don't know how to do me or where to start but I'm trying, can't say I'm successful in that but I'm trying.

Having children broke me, not the actual kids they are amazing and I wouldn't be without them but my health mentally and physically, the expectations put on you as a mum (& dad's) is hard.

I'll be totally honest I feel like a failure most days, I think the kids would be better with someone who can do more with them than I can, as much as I try I never seem to feel good enough.

Social media and the fact people rarely talk about the realities of parenthood don't help.

I didn't get that immediately fall in love when I gave birth I thought something was wrong with me, why did all the other mums have that and not me?? I went into shock, I didn't know what to do, I was terrified this little human who I didn't know relied on me for everything and I did and do the best I could but I didn't get them feelings or that bond and that was hard, I cried for months feeling like the worlds worst parent.

Turns out that it isn't a reality for most, many lose themselves, many don't immediately fall in love, many struggle and I wish it was more openly talked about.

Just a lost mother winging it and never feeling quite enough.

Mrs

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By *verageHoesCouple
10 weeks ago

Leeds

I didn’t lose myself, although at times it really did feel like that when they were little. I am just a different version of me now, one who is focused on nurturing these lovely humans into adulthood and beyond. Like others have said, you get little flashes of your old self, and over time those moments become more frequent and last longer. These days, I have plenty of time for me. Divorce and 50/50 residency definitely help with that!

I really struggled to begin with due to being autistic and having a very low capacity for spinning multiple plates. My social life was put on hold, my special interests got shelved, my husband barely got a look-in, and I could not manage full-time work anymore. It was a really tough period and I'd be lying if I said I didn't resent it occasionally.

I did make a conscious effort not to talk about the kids too much when with friends!

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By *ackformore100Man
10 weeks ago

Tin town

"I'll be honest I've lost myself, I don't know who I am anymore, my sense of self has vanished.

I don't know how to do me or where to start but I'm trying, can't say I'm successful in that but I'm trying.

Having children broke me, not the actual kids they are amazing and I wouldn't be without them but my health mentally and physically, the expectations put on you as a mum (& dad's) is hard.

I'll be totally honest I feel like a failure most days, I think the kids would be better with someone who can do more with them than I can, as much as I try I never seem to feel good enough.

Social media and the fact people rarely talk about the realities of parenthood don't help.

Turns out that it isn't a reality for most, many lose themselves, many don't immediately fall in love, many struggle and I wish it was more openly talked about.

Just a lost mother winging it and never feeling quite enough.

Mrs "

You make some great thought provoking comments. It's rarely a bed of roses even though media and perfect families are crammed down our throats. Lots of times pressure is something we create for ourselves but lots of times from external influences. The point you make about not feeling able to talk openly about it is so true...in this area and many others we feel pressured to appear "successful" whatever that means rather than Discussing how we feel we are failing and that's ok to fail at stuff.

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By *weetiepie99Woman
10 weeks ago

cardiff

I've been a single parent for a long time, even when I was married, my ex husband was never hands on. But it was a choice I made to become a mum. There are so many out there not so lucky. Yes it's hard, yes you sacrifice personal time/space, but it is so rewarding, I can't imagine my life without them in it. It's enriched me as a person, not taken away from it.

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By *a LunaWoman
10 weeks ago

o o OO o o

If I’m honest with myself, I think that could be a contributing factor why me and their dad split up.

I went from a wanton sex goddess *cough* to banging on about the latest milk formula cost, etc.

And I talk about my kids a lot because they’re the best thing I’ve ever done and I spend most of my time with them.

I get it. It can be boring to hear for those without kids. But 🤷🏻‍♀️ it is what it is.

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By *agertha73Couple
10 weeks ago

Cardiff

Nicely put, _icecouple561.

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By *ysteryman6998Man
10 weeks ago

essex

What could be better than being a seed for the future to grow from? X

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By *viatrixWoman
10 weeks ago

Redhill

As said above, losing yourself to some extent is expected to.

Funnily enough, my happiest time in my life was when my kids were really young and motherhood took all my time. It is really rewarding.

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By *weetWithATw1stWoman
10 weeks ago

MiddleofMyStreet

"Parents- how have you find it being a parent in terms of your role as parent not taking over who you are?

All you talk about? All the time you spend is on the kiddos? You rarely do things for yourself?

How has it been for you?"

As some of the others have said... it can become all consuming. You never go back to the person you were but you have transformed into someone new. yes it gets tiring and you will feel every single emotion under the sun (sometimes in an hour). however, it is all worth it.

They soon grow up and you will sit there thinking I wish they were little again.

You also learn to grow yourself as you are shaping the future generation

teaching them right from wrong etc. You find yourself growing as a person also.

All in all, I have found it a rewarding (although abeit stressful at times) experience. it is something which is hard to put into words, but i would not change a thing.

I get my free time now and then now mine are older. Go out see my friends

make new ones etc. Life just looks a little bit different when you are a parent. Although most of the time when i have free time i like to sit in them empty house and enjoy that rare moment of quiet before i blast some of my music

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By *ools and the brainCouple
10 weeks ago

couple, us we him her.

When you become a parent your sole purpose is to protect and provide.

Losing your identity is part of the package, don't have kid's if you can't handle this.

Look at the natural world most animals live for their offspring,the only difference is ours tend to be dependent on us for far longer.

I'd rather lose my identity and be a good parent than the other way around..

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By *sWyldWoman
10 weeks ago

Edinburgh

I became a mum at 17. I was a wife at 16. I had no clue who I was in the first place . It was my life and I made it my mission to do my best , to give them the best life I could . It was of course all encompassing but equally I also knew the importance of figuring out who I was too. I didn't have an option not to go out to work full time, so I built my career whilst also being a single mum. However then I was focused on not being a stereotype too.

Now my boys are older. The me time I used to dream of happens. The chance to be me also happened.

All those lonely and hard years, thinking it would never get easier, yet now, I barely remember.

I wouldn't change it for the world and I'll always be mum. However now I get to also be me. Middle age is a fine reward.

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By *electableicecreamMan
10 weeks ago

The West

I'm a full time single dad and full time carer for an autistic teenager. It is all consuming and I can't imagine it being any other way.

I do try and make time for myself and remind myself there are other things to talk about.

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By *verageHoesCouple
10 weeks ago

Leeds

"Losing your identity is part of the package, don't have kid's if you can't handle this"

I'm not sure many of us quite realise the full extent of it before having children. People might warn you about the sleepless nights with a colicky baby, but until you've lived it, you don't really know. Or what postnatal depression feels like. Or how mind-numbingly boring it can be to play Brio for hours on end.

Losing parts of your identity, or feeling overwhelmed and lost, doesn't mean you're not cut out for it. Lots of us struggle, quite often in silence because it feels shameful to struggle. Eventually, many of us adjust over time and find our way back to ourselves, even if that self looks a little different than before.

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
10 weeks ago

Coventry

I ended up single with a six month old baby and a four year old. That on top of work it completely consumes you and can be very isolating. Everything is kids and work. Easy to lose yourself when everything is nappies and CBeebies. Especially when your on your own and without adult connection or physicality.

Although partly why the swinger lifestyle suited me as I didn't have time for relationships. And the internet gave me access to people outside of the four walls I was glued to with such young children. More ideal casual hook ups, simple non strings connections and the freedom to explore new things on the scene and clubs. I was expecially intrested is the wider swinger scene and moresomes.

How I made it work, not easy. However there were occasions when my Ex wife would have the kids up some weekends that I wasn't at work (work a lot of weekends) or family would kindly have them over night. So in that way I was fortunate, there were the occasional kid free moments. I could wangle things about twice a month and sometimes in school hours or a quick booty call after work if at night. However the next problem was other people's schedules matching mine, especially when so many single ladies are also single mums. This is were the Internet and not being tied to one single woman made things possible. Because simply I developed a little network of fwb and booty calls. With the freedom to see more than one women it vastly improved my opportunities to work around my schedule and there was also clubs too. Plus rediscovering there is something between one night stands and committed romantic relationships it made me question strict monogamy going forward. Especially because I love variety and I'm not particularly vanilla. So I was sold on this lifestyle and it works well for single parents.

It gets easy as they get older. You find you start to get a bit more space for you. And of course you never know what the future holds. I met Mrs Misfit on here. Although being both single parents in different cities in a committed life relationship is difficult again we make it work. And life has got easier with that regard as the kids have got older. I mean I can't explain how awesome it is to find your one and get to share this lifestyle with (but that's another story).

I guess my main message is whatever your circumstances find time for yourself, make it work the best you can and its not forever. Kids grow up and it does get easier.

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By *ad NannaWoman
10 weeks ago

East London

I would love nothing more than to be at the start of my parenting life again.

I don't think of having children as sacrificing my life for theirs.

Anyone should know that once you have a child their life will change.

I was the same person, with children.

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By *inks45Man
10 weeks ago

bucks

I'd say I'm a better man for it yeah I don't get much time to myself but wouldn't change it for the world .it's all about him and always will be

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By *ad NannaWoman
10 weeks ago

East London

"I would love nothing more than to be at the start of my parenting life again.

I don't think of having children as sacrificing my life for theirs.

Anyone should know that once you have a child their life will change.

I was the same person, with children.

And I don't feel like I lost my identity. I feel my children made me grow in many directions.

I had 3 children by the age if 21, and a husband who didn't do any of the child care. We got a babysitter occasionally, but I was quite happy staying home alone with my young children, while he went out.

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By (user no longer on site)
10 weeks ago

Pass.

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By *a_brunetteWoman
10 weeks ago

Wiltshire

"I try not to think about it as losing myself, although I definitely have felt like that at times. It’s more finding who I am now through parenthood. If that’s not too wanky. It is a bit wanky.

Mrs TMN x"

That’s how I feel, I didn’t loose myself, I found myself when I had my child. Being a parent is very hard but it’s harder to imagine my life not being a parent anymore.

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By *avie65Man
10 weeks ago

In the west.

It was bloody hard going and it changed me so much.

My daughter has had some very serious health issues since the minute she was born. She is still he because of the NHS.

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By *EAT..85Woman
10 weeks ago

Nottingham

I have always tried to balance my parenting and (insert non mummy name) life. There is a postcard inside my front door that says 'children don't want a prefect mum, they want a happy mum'

If I just existed as mummy I'd have gone insane. I maintained friendships and hobbies and where possible had time away from the kids which is not easy for a lot of people to find childcare.

I have really enjoyed being a single mum for the last 9 years, my free time was perfect me time when the kids went to stay at their dad's. That doesn't happen anymore and my free time now is really rare, so I make sure I enjoy what I can when I can.

Yes my kids are my everything, but I'm a better mum for having a balanced personality, free time and other interests that bring me joy.

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By *inger_SnapWoman
10 weeks ago

Hampshire

When they are small, it's all consuming, then it gets to a point when you wish it still was.

It is really important to try and find time to be yourself and do something just for you. Even if it's 5 minutes in a day x

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By *tr8MrEMan
10 weeks ago

somewhere near Sheffield

"Parents- how have you find it being a parent in terms of your role as parent not taking over who you are?

All you talk about? All the time you spend is on the kiddos? You rarely do things for yourself?

How has it been for you?"

I completely did this, but then I was a single dad raising two girls...and tbh, you'd do anything for your children...even today

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By *ansoffateMan
10 weeks ago

Sagittarius A

I'm just off the back of 2 hour intense conversation supporting my daughter, who is stressing over her A Levels. Only 4 weeks more to go of this.

It used to be easier, not going to lie. Being a single parent is hard as fuck sometimes. Especially, with this kind of stuff, sometimes it leaves me so fucking drained. The baby/toddler stuff can drive you la la land potty for sure but it's routine. Emotional support is little more than a cuddle and a few words. You can do it and a sticker chart, has them smiling in minutes. Now it's some deep ass existential crisis level stuff.

It leaves me burnt out sometimes. Their mum, she always saw that, she'd put my head on her lap and stroke my head. Till I could relax again. Now every time it just reminds me that she's gone.

My eldest daughter, she wanted me to watch The Last of us with her a while back. She paused it after the first scene, and said to me this guy Joel... he's fucking you Dad 100 per cent. You just keep going for us - whatever it takes.

Sure I can get time to myself, but not really, not in the same way as before they were born. Being a Dad isn't a role I do it's in my bones now. It'll always be with me to some degree, I reckon. And I'm ok with that. They'll fly the nest before long and I'll miss them every bit as much as I appreciate being able to get time to myself.

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By *low eaterMan
10 weeks ago

hereabouts

"Parents- how have you find it being a parent in terms of your role as parent not taking over who you are?

All you talk about? All the time you spend is on the kiddos? You rarely do things for yourself?

How has it been for you?"

I don’t see it as taking over who I am but becoming who I’m meant to be, it’s made me less selfish, more affectionate ,communicative and developed a capacity for joy that I didn’t know could exist. I’ll add that it’s been healing for me, both from the love given to me from my child and the love I hold in my heart have addressed some childhood traumas / abandonment issues . Gotta love them ancillary benefits

All I talk about? , of course not but I will show off pics of my son any chance I get

Rarely doing things for myself ? I take time when it’s there, the rest is either work or my child and I chose to bring him here so he gets all the time and undivided attention he needs .

How has it been ? Fucking rough as a badgers hole , this shit is not for the faint of heart but I wouldn’t change it for the world 😇

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By *NormalMan01Man
10 weeks ago

Harrogate

"Parents- how have you find it being a parent in terms of your role as parent not taking over who you are?

All you talk about? All the time you spend is on the kiddos? You rarely do things for yourself?

How has it been for you?"

I find it’s all people want to talk to me about, or to tell me how hard I have it. Or how they couldn’t do it, or how difficult their own kids were, etc.

I’m a single dad of four, and people seem to think that saying “well done” or “I don’t know how you do it” is acceptable. I get it, it’s strange to you, but it’s just my life. I try not to let it define me, there’s a lot more to me than organising logistics of who needs to be where and when, if they need feeding and how to keep everything ticking over.

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By *iss.BellaWoman
10 weeks ago

"I'll be honest I've lost myself, I don't know who I am anymore, my sense of self has vanished.

I don't know how to do me or where to start but I'm trying, can't say I'm successful in that but I'm trying.

Having children broke me, not the actual kids they are amazing and I wouldn't be without them but my health mentally and physically, the expectations put on you as a mum (& dad's) is hard.

I'll be totally honest I feel like a failure most days, I think the kids would be better with someone who can do more with them than I can, as much as I try I never seem to feel good enough.

Social media and the fact people rarely talk about the realities of parenthood don't help.

Turns out that it isn't a reality for most, many lose themselves, many don't immediately fall in love, many struggle and I wish it was more openly talked about.

Just a lost mother winging it and never feeling quite enough.

Mrs "

Could not have put it any better myself.

I got goosebumps reading that. Sending hugs

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
10 weeks ago

North East Scotland, mostly

"Losing your identity is part of the package, don't have kid's if you can't handle this

This absolutely chimes. Sleep deprivation is real and awful. Couple that with the expectation, or perceived expectation to cherish every moment and it can be a tough and lonely road. You gotta find your people, your allies, those you can offload to safely.

It also throws a grenade into your relationship with your partner, and that can take a lot of adjustment on both sides.

I’ve discovered a lot about myself through parenting.

Mrs TMN x

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By *uri00620Woman
10 weeks ago

Croydon

Never do things for myself.

I've had 5 hrs away from my girl (apart from when I'm at work) since she was born 3 years ago and that was bc I had pneumonia and couldn't look after her. Through the rest of that illness I just had to manage. I was just fortunate someone could give me a break for an afternoon.

Not had my hair cut in 3 years. Need to wait till she's old enough to sit happily whilst it's getting done.

So to answer - no time to myself but really I'm mostly OK with that.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
10 weeks ago

East Sussex

"Losing your identity is part of the package, don't have kid's if you can't handle this

It also throws a grenade into your relationship with your partner, and that can take a lot of adjustment on both sides.

I’ve discovered a lot about myself through parenting.

Mrs TMN x"

Yes, this too. Nobody can prepare you for the hard slog. They try and tell you but the reality of it is overwhelming.

It is worth it in the end but my goodness it's a shock

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By *ackformore100Man
10 weeks ago

Tin town

Anything worth having in life requires effort though?

I'm not sure people lose their identities whether and however they choose to parent. Isn't it all just part of the journey of life as we grow and develop and change from cradle to grave.?

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By *sStephenPickle OP Man
10 weeks ago

Ends

I’ve enjoyed reading some of these. I think just, yeah, I feel like sometimes people who don’t face kids don’t get it but like my entire life is my child and I talk about her all the time and if you ask me about my life it’s probably all about her etc. just conscious also of like, that’s so much of me now

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By *inks45Man
10 weeks ago

bucks

"I’ve enjoyed reading some of these. I think just, yeah, I feel like sometimes people who don’t face kids don’t get it but like my entire life is my child and I talk about her all the time and if you ask me about my life it’s probably all about her etc. just conscious also of like, that’s so much of me now"

Same here i talk about him to much but I don't really care lol

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By *avie65Man
10 weeks ago

In the west.

"I'll be honest I've lost myself, I don't know who I am anymore, my sense of self has vanished.

I don't know how to do me or where to start but I'm trying, can't say I'm successful in that but I'm trying.

Having children broke me, not the actual kids they are amazing and I wouldn't be without them but my health mentally and physically, the expectations put on you as a mum (& dad's) is hard.

I'll be totally honest I feel like a failure most days, I think the kids would be better with someone who can do more with them than I can, as much as I try I never seem to feel good enough.

Social media and the fact people rarely talk about the realities of parenthood don't help.

Turns out that it isn't a reality for most, many lose themselves, many don't immediately fall in love, many struggle and I wish it was more openly talked about.

Just a lost mother winging it and never feeling quite enough.

Mrs "

Kids don’t come with a one action fits all instruction manual. As for developing feelings they come with time and I’m speaking as a father of 2 fantastic young women, but by gawd it took a while. I hadn’t a clue what to do with them and to some extent I still don’t.

I imagine SM media was about before you had your kids but it puts an unrealistic slat on everything.

Winging it is good, you learn by your mistakes and you find things you didn’t think you would do with them.

I do things for my 2 all the times and they will always need me in some way which is good and I like. I still get That look that says stop that or I don’t need you, but they do and they are in their 30s.

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