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Funeral protocol

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By *ools and the brain OP   Couple
19 weeks ago

couple, us we him her.

Going to a close family member funeral next week ( not after sympathy) they requested rather than flowers donations to nominated charity.

Would it be bad to still get a small arrangement to take on the day with a small card ?

Never know what to do

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By (user no longer on site)
19 weeks ago

I always follow what they have asked

Maybe visit a few days later and lay some flowers at their final place of rest

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By *g16discreetMan
19 weeks ago

Derby/Notts

I would say there's no harm in it, it's also about how you want to pay your respects to them

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By *ellhungvweMan
19 weeks ago

Cheltenham/MK

If they asked for donations rather than flowers then I would give a donation rather than take flowers.

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By *reentomato2Couple
19 weeks ago

cambridge

Some of it is about the deceased thoughts,they don’t want the money wasted in a flower arrangers pocket when the money could hopefully do positive things in the pocket of a charity

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By *ove2pleaseseukMan
19 weeks ago

Hastings

You say going to a close family member. If it was their request not to waste money on flowers to end up in the bin, I would respect their wishes. And give a donation. Flowers are such a waste of money and an impact on the environment.

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By *abtastic Mr FoxMan
19 weeks ago

A den in the Glen

Follow their wishes.

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By *a LunaWoman
19 weeks ago

o o OO o o


"If they asked for donations rather than flowers then I would give a donation rather than take flowers."

This. Some folk don’t like flowers.

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By *ormalbutneeditMan
19 weeks ago

Attleborough

If you really want to get flowers, I'd get a small arrangement and make a small donation too, then you've still respected their wishes and I would mention the donation. Having said that, if it was the wishes of the person who passed away, I'd stick with just the donation.

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By *urves and MischiefWoman
19 weeks ago

North West

At my mums funeral we asked for charitable donations for the organisation that helped care for her at the end. Some people made their donation and also brought some flowers too laying them with the family ones. As long as you respect the wishes of the donation, I doubt anyone will have an issue with the laying of some flowers too. I certainly didn’t ❤️

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By *allySlinkyWoman
19 weeks ago

Leeds

Don't take flowers when they have specifically asked you not to. A card is always welcome with some carefully chosen words.

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By *ools and the brain OP   Couple
19 weeks ago

couple, us we him her.


"Don't take flowers when they have specifically asked you not to. A card is always welcome with some carefully chosen words. "

We ARE giving a donation in fact already have but a card is a good shout actually

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By *allySlinkyWoman
19 weeks ago

Leeds

I think if you take flowers it will make other family members feel uncomfortable because they haven't taken any.

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By *onnyJohnMan
19 weeks ago

Doncaster

Close family member, go with whats requested, then afterwards seeing as its a close family member you can always revisit the headstone or grave and place a small arrangement... That way you have achieved both respect for the wishes and also your own way of paying respects..

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod

19 weeks ago

East Sussex

When mum died she had said no flowers. We took some anyway because it's awfully bare without and in our opinion the funeral is as much for the living as the deceased.

We donated to charity too so nobody lost out.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod

19 weeks ago

East Sussex

Mind you she also said no alcohol. We didn't actually provide any but the wake was in a pub so...

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By *ydrewMan
19 weeks ago

lost

When my dad passed away his with had asked for no flowers. My two aunts got flowers anyway and it caused a massive fight on the day. I'd suggest just a card. Respect the choice they have made. Can always place flowers at grave at later date if it's a burial.

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By *uri00620Woman
19 weeks ago

Croydon

Depends who asked. My stepmother did the same when my dad died- but without the charity bit but didn't consult anyone else ie: his children.

So most people ignored the request.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
19 weeks ago

Uttoxeter


"Going to a close family member funeral next week ( not after sympathy) they requested rather than flowers donations to nominated charity.

Would it be bad to still get a small arrangement to take on the day with a small card ?

Never know what to do "

Anybody that still ‘wastes’ money on flowers when they have requested none or a charity donation stands out as a bit of a see you next Tuesday to everyone - especially if you have included a card that identifies you. Just don’t.

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By *outhernexport83Couple
19 weeks ago

Cornwall

I would say follow their wishes for the funeral itself. If you want to lay flowers to commemorate them in your own way as part of the grieving or closure process, then maybe do so after the service as a separate act of saying your goodbyes?

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By *orthern StarsCouple
19 weeks ago

Durham

I would go with their wishes of a donation.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod

19 weeks ago

East Sussex

Isn't laying flowers afterwards going against their wishes too or does it only apply to the actual service?

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By *allySlinkyWoman
19 weeks ago

Leeds

Instead of laying flowers you could plant a rosebush or something similar in your garden as a memory

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod

19 weeks ago

East Sussex

Quite a lot of people I know have a photo of their family member with flowers beside it or plant a shrub or tree in their garden. That's an alternative

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
19 weeks ago

little house on the praire

Why would you disrespect their wishes. It's many years since I've been to a funeral that doesn't request donations instead of flowers

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By *allySlinkyWoman
19 weeks ago

Leeds

When my husband died I received about thirty bunches of flowers to my home. It was much nicer for me to be able to look and enjoy them for a few weeks rather than them being left on his grave.

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By *outhernexport83Couple
19 weeks ago

Cornwall

I suppose this is a matter of opinion, but I think you can respect someone’s wishes, while also paying respect in your own way. You shouldn’t repress your grieving process if you can do so in a way that doesn’t affect others. All I’d recommend is maybe not do it publicly to avoid potentially upsetting others. As someone has mentioned, maybe a private memorial of sorts.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
19 weeks ago

BRIDPORT

I would donate, as you have done already, and leave it at that.

On a side note, don’t forget some tupaware , there’s always lots of food left over at the get together after.

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By *olly_chromaticTV/TS
19 weeks ago

Bradford and Stockport

When my mum died, my dad didn't want flowers and he wanted a very simple ceremony for her. He was overruled by my cunt of a brother who actually re-arranged what I (on behalf of my dad) had requested the funeral director to do. With the result that my dad decided not to go to his own wife's funeral, as it would upset him too much with it all not being what mum and dad had wanted.

My thinking is that if the family have made some specific request, you don't know what the reasons might be. Could be that there is somebody with a massive pollen allergy! Go with what they ask. As others have said, you could maybe place some flowers on the grave a few days later if you want, but on the day you should go with the flow.

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By *eoBloomsMan
19 weeks ago

Springfield


"I would donate, as you have done already, and leave it at that.

On a side note, don’t forget some tupaware , there’s always lots of food left over at the get together after. "

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By *orthernJayMan
19 weeks ago

Hyde

Similar to above, those who ignore personal wishes/requests as well as family wishes/requests risk upsetting the many at their time of loss.

Raised by my grandmother, she hated flowers, all of her life as far as I knew and demanded none at her funeral; even so, people brought them.

I’d arranged for the funeral guys to take them away from such people upon arrival and even then some were annoyed; as if they had a right to partake in the funeral of “their choice” rather than the deceased.

My counsel, follow the deceased wishes/requests to letter and honour their death as if they’re alive.

My condolences on your loss.

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By *erfHerder74Man
19 weeks ago

Inverclyde

Most funerals don’t allow flowers to be brought however you can place one of their favourite on the coffin during the ceremony

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By *eoBloomsMan
19 weeks ago

Springfield

Don't take on the day. Maybe visit their grave/marker with some flowers in a little while.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod

19 weeks ago

East Sussex

It's interesting and a bit confusing to me that people suggest placing flowers afterwards. If someone requests no flowers does it only apply to the funeral, what's the difference?

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By *olly_chromaticTV/TS
19 weeks ago

Bradford and Stockport


"It's interesting and a bit confusing to me that people suggest placing flowers afterwards. If someone requests no flowers does it only apply to the funeral, what's the difference? "

My thoughts are that if you take flowers a few days later, it's your way of making a gesture and negotiating your own feelings for the deceased. It's sort of in public because it's at the graveside, but it's effectively private as you are the only person there.

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By *eoBloomsMan
19 weeks ago

Springfield


"It's interesting and a bit confusing to me that people suggest placing flowers afterwards. If someone requests no flowers does it only apply to the funeral, what's the difference?

My thoughts are that if you take flowers a few days later, it's your way of making a gesture and negotiating your own feelings for the deceased. It's sort of in public because it's at the graveside, but it's effectively private as you are the only person there. "

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod

19 weeks ago

East Sussex

[Removed by poster at 18/03/25 11:01:16]

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod

19 weeks ago

East Sussex


"It's interesting and a bit confusing to me that people suggest placing flowers afterwards. If someone requests no flowers does it only apply to the funeral, what's the difference?

My thoughts are that if you take flowers a few days later, it's your way of making a gesture and negotiating your own feelings for the deceased. It's sort of in public because it's at the graveside, but it's effectively private as you are the only person there. "

It just applies to the funeral then, they don't want you to continue making donations instead of flowers?

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By (user no longer on site)
19 weeks ago


"It's interesting and a bit confusing to me that people suggest placing flowers afterwards. If someone requests no flowers does it only apply to the funeral, what's the difference? "

I know here that almost every family requests no flowers on the day because funerals are big and you end up with a massive amount of flowers that end up in a mess.

That being said I haven't heard of anyone getting upset about flowers being left in the days after.Unless they're from someone the deceased person disliked.

Emotions are running high the day of a funeral so waiting a couple of days saves arguments and you still get to pay respect to that person you were close to without causing upset.

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By *TWboyMan
19 weeks ago

kings Lynn


"I always follow what they have asked

Maybe visit a few days later and lay some flowers at their final place of rest "

Good plan

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By *TWboyMan
19 weeks ago

kings Lynn


"When mum died she had said no flowers. We took some anyway because it's awfully bare without and in our opinion the funeral is as much for the living as the deceased.

We donated to charity too so nobody lost out. "

It’s nice to do it a couple of months after the actual event so that way the deceased is re-remembered with a bright arrangement

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By *olly_chromaticTV/TS
19 weeks ago

Bradford and Stockport


"It's interesting and a bit confusing to me that people suggest placing flowers afterwards. If someone requests no flowers does it only apply to the funeral, what's the difference?

My thoughts are that if you take flowers a few days later, it's your way of making a gesture and negotiating your own feelings for the deceased. It's sort of in public because it's at the graveside, but it's effectively private as you are the only person there.

It just applies to the funeral then, they don't want you to continue making donations instead of flowers?"

I guess that like most things in life, "it's complicated". No rules. I just try to negotiate my way through life doing what feels right to myself while hoping to avoid causing any deliberate offense to others. Going to my wife's grave I like to take a few flowers cut from my own garden because I know how much she loved that garden. Sometimes I just take tears. I don't have any preferences for what anyone else might do.

When I scatter my mum and dad's ashes later this year, in accordance with dad's wishes there won't be any flowers or fuss at all (though I'm bloody sure I won't be able to see straight for tears). And my brother won't be fucking up the occasion because he's never going to know where or when it's happening.

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By *ools and the brain OP   Couple
19 weeks ago

couple, us we him her.


"Why would you disrespect their wishes. It's many years since I've been to a funeral that doesn't request donations instead of flowers"

Jeeze I'm not disrespecting anyone, I love the person dearly and know she loved flowers and gardening it was only going to be something small maybe just a single flower as a personal mark of respect. But as I've said I have already donated to the requested charity.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod

19 weeks ago

East Sussex


"Why would you disrespect their wishes. It's many years since I've been to a funeral that doesn't request donations instead of flowers

Jeeze I'm not disrespecting anyone, I love the person dearly and know she loved flowers and gardening it was only going to be something small maybe just a single flower as a personal mark of respect. But as I've said I have already donated to the requested charity.

"

All I can tell you is that in the last three years I've attended a lot of family members funerals (double figures). They all stated no flowers and at each one at least one, often more people, brought small floral tributes.

Against all other advice I say go with what *you* want to do. You know them and you'll be discreet, the departed person would know your motives and you'll know if they'd approve or not

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By *onbons_xxMan
19 weeks ago

Bolton

Hope the funeral goes as well as it can be, I am sure you’ll judge it right. In what is a seemingly straight forward scenario, it isn’t always that simple and you can’t do right for doing wrong. There will be others who also bring flowers of some sort I am sure too.

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By *uri00620Woman
19 weeks ago

Croydon


"Why would you disrespect their wishes. It's many years since I've been to a funeral that doesn't request donations instead of flowers

Jeeze I'm not disrespecting anyone, I love the person dearly and know she loved flowers and gardening it was only going to be something small maybe just a single flower as a personal mark of respect. But as I've said I have already donated to the requested charity.

All I can tell you is that in the last three years I've attended a lot of family members funerals (double figures). They all stated no flowers and at each one at least one, often more people, brought small floral tributes.

Against all other advice I say go with what *you* want to do. You know them and you'll be discreet, the departed person would know your motives and you'll know if they'd approve or not "

This. I mean you said you're a close family member too, presumably like the person/people who requested no flowers.

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By *olinOfBathMan
19 weeks ago

Corsham

This is in general, not directed at the OP...

If what you want is more important than what they want, and you don't care about upsetting everyone else who does respect their request, then go for it.

Just don't kid yourself that you're doing it for any reason other than your own satisfaction.

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By *orny PTMan
19 weeks ago

Peterborough


"If they asked for donations rather than flowers then I would give a donation rather than take flowers."

it's about respecting the dead and the greiving.

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By *uri00620Woman
19 weeks ago

Croydon

Out of interest why no flowers? I appreciate it's a pretty common request now (I've not been to a funeral for years) just interested reasons why.

The only person I've ever known to request this said it's bc they wanted everyone to see what they were going through 🤷‍♀️

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
19 weeks ago

Central

If they've asked not to leave flowers, then respect their request. You could wear a flower, in honour of them, or even plant a plant at home, that will let you remember them, as you tend to it. I have a shrub that's scented and flowers at around the same time as one of my grandmother's birthday, for example.

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By *AJMLKTV/TS
19 weeks ago

Burley

My grandmother requested no flowers at her funeral. She didn't like the idea of killing a living thing to celebrate her life.

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By *riar BelisseWoman
19 weeks ago

Holibobs


"It's interesting and a bit confusing to me that people suggest placing flowers afterwards. If someone requests no flowers does it only apply to the funeral, what's the difference?

My thoughts are that if you take flowers a few days later, it's your way of making a gesture and negotiating your own feelings for the deceased. It's sort of in public because it's at the graveside, but it's effectively private as you are the only person there. "

This. It's more of a intimate treasured moment between the two of them, laying flowers in 1 min as part of an en mass moment looses the individuality, spending 20 mins chatting and reminiscing their life at their place of rest, is a special moment

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By *orny PTMan
19 weeks ago

Peterborough


"Some of it is about the deceased thoughts,they don’t want the money wasted in a flower arrangers pocket when the money could hopefully do positive things in the pocket of a charity "

Charities tend to help research and help out in palliative care, this is the deceased's way of thanking those charities for their help. I'm not sure if Interflora and their rivals profits would be so helpful.

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By *uri00620Woman
19 weeks ago

Croydon


"Some of it is about the deceased thoughts,they don’t want the money wasted in a flower arrangers pocket when the money could hopefully do positive things in the pocket of a charity

Charities tend to help research and help out in palliative care, this is the deceased's way of thanking those charities for their help. I'm not sure if Interflora and their rivals profits would be so helpful."

I get that, say i give £20 to said charity then wanted to spend another £5 on a small gesture of flowers. That extra was never going to charity anyway. I'm not sure why that would be offensive. From reading the thread it seems it's generally not the done thing as it could upset someone and would be offensive. I guess I'm having trouble understanding why this might be?

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By *emorefridaCouple
19 weeks ago

La la land


"Some of it is about the deceased thoughts,they don’t want the money wasted in a flower arrangers pocket when the money could hopefully do positive things in the pocket of a charity

Charities tend to help research and help out in palliative care, this is the deceased's way of thanking those charities for their help. I'm not sure if Interflora and their rivals profits would be so helpful.

I get that, say i give £20 to said charity then wanted to spend another £5 on a small gesture of flowers. That extra was never going to charity anyway. I'm not sure why that would be offensive. From reading the thread it seems it's generally not the done thing as it could upset someone and would be offensive. I guess I'm having trouble understanding why this might be?"

From some of my families point of a view leaving flowers which are dead as soon as they are picked seems wrong. They also dislike that people leave flowers at gtavesides and don't clear them up once they've died, happens so much at the graves I go to, always end up tidying random ones. So I kind of get that tbh, not that it is what I'd want.

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By *allySlinkyWoman
19 weeks ago

Leeds

I dislike seeing flowers on graves or at the roadside with the cellophane left on.

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