FabSwingers.com forum: death

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

a work collegue just experienced her first one and is really upset. i remember my first dead body and too found it difficult to deal with at the time.

i have never lost a close family member and am dreading the time i do. when my grandma lost her first husband people would avoid talking to her and she said it made life harder to deal with as people were treading on eggshells.

i too am never 100% sure what to say to family members and feel guilty for laughing about things for the rest of the day.

i do care for the people i look after naturally but its different to losing a loved one. im now wondering if im cold because i can detach myself and not feel anything..

meh

if you have experienced death of someone close what 'helped' if anything?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I found someone hanging...What got me through that was I knew he was in a better place....He only exsisted he never lived life... I felt relief for him that he no longer had to deal with the daily life of being a drug addict...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Respect...

Chatting about happy memories you remember with that person....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

I think it's healthy to detach yourself frI'm feelings when dealing with death in a professional capacity although do use any counselling etc offered by your company. Samaritans can also be a good help as it is anonymous etc.

In personal life I have been protected frI'm death by my parents. I have only been to 2 family funerals, one of them being my nans last year. What helped me was my dad creating a Facebook page where friends and family could post pictures and memories if her. A few if the family have moved overseas and so couldn't come back for the funeral.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dad passed away recently then my grandad a week later, I don't think anything helps you through it. You find the strength from somewhere. My dads death hasn't hit me yet and I know it will one day, probably like a train.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I found someone hanging...What got me through that was I knew he was in a better place....He only exsisted he never lived life... I felt relief for him that he no longer had to deal with the daily life of being a drug addict...

luckily ive never came across a death through horrific trauma. people ive encountered are end of life/palliative care so are peacefull and pain free at the end.

a friend of mine a few months found her husband had hung himself. blood everywhere as he had self harmed first she was screaming and hysterical.. was awful to witness that. will haunt her forever im sure

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wish I'd gone back to see my dad a second time after he'd died, I waited too long and by the time I'd decided I wanted to it was too late as he was in the coffin.

Its coming up to the second anniversary now and I am really struggling at the moment. They say time is a healer and I'm not sure its ready for me to heal just yet.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

luckily ive never came across a death through horrific trauma. people ive encountered are end of life/palliative care so are peacefull and pain free at the end.

Thats awful!! I am lucky that I am able to detach myself from death in my profession..Its hard but I have to protect myself. I feel so sorry for your friend though..

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honour the dead, however, take care of the living.

Life goes on, and the Earth does not stop spinning, etc. etc...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *edangel_2013Woman
over a year ago

southend

I come from a family where death is talked about openly, I saw my first dead body when I was 5 years old, my Great Uncle Henry. My mum said I went up to him, prodded him and when he didn't move, I gave him a kiss, and sat on the floor with my colouring books. It was tradition at the time for the dead person to spend the night before the funeral in their family home, with the living family around them.

Moving on, I've experienced death many times since, all but one of my Grandparents have died, and I've lost my Uncle, and several close friends.

I believe in our society we don't talk about death enough, it's still a very taboo subject. It shouldn't be, it is one of the few guarantees in life. I found talking about the dead person helps. Remembering the good times, as well as the bad. I still think of those I have lost daily, I will never forget them, many of the played a part in the person I am today. Certainly my maternal Grandparents. I have pictures of them on my wall, but I've forgotten their voices, that makes me a little sad.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It doesnt make you cold ... it makes you human

Everyone deals with death in different ways. I have held the hand of 2 ladies when they died - although it was sad I didn't feel the pain just a knowing that at least someone held them before they passed.

When my mum died that was different .. but I got on with life eventually and the tears turned to smiles. Its an individual thing no one should be judged on how they deal with such things and no blase comments either !!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *r and mrs sanddancerCouple
over a year ago

BOLDON COLLIERY

having grown up with my family in the funeral trade yes you do become detached from feelings to some extent,

But it does not shield you from the sadness of loosing a loved one.

You just accept the fact it comes to all of us sooner or later.

It helps to remember the good times and the laughs you had,

A common thing is a feeling of guilt when some one has been suffering for a long time and you find you're relieved the suffering has stopped,

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *r and mrs sanddancerCouple
over a year ago

BOLDON COLLIERY

[Removed by poster at 05/05/13 10:36:15]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan
over a year ago

Glasgow West

First time is always hard, but she will develop coping mechanisms, and son, she'll be involved in the dark humour that we use to get through.

As long as colleagues are there for her just now, and don't seem too callous, she'll get there.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here is my thought on Death:

With all that's in the world today, is

"Death The Last Taboo" ?

How many of you talk about, discuss it and even love the thought of celebrating this thought that many refuse to think or talk about ?

Personally I think it's a fascinating subject and relish the thought that oneday perhaps the unknown may become a reality.

Life is precious, death is life.

We all see & deal with life & death in our own way, however it's what remains in your heart & soul that possibly matters the most.

Have dealt with a few deaths & some horrific deaths, but none of them plague or haunt me.

Hope you understand the above & apologies if any body is upset by my point of view.

All enjoy your day.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was with my gran when she went. I still remember it vividly, the rest of my family fucked off home as they thought it might be too upsetting. I've never understood why they felt her dying alone was acceptable. She was unconscious but I talked to her all night, no one should die alone and i feel privileged to have been with her.

On a professional level I deal with death daily and am pretty detached to be honest. Though child deaths and traumatic ones always get to me.

Death is the only certainty in life and shouldn't be treated as a taboo.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If its a profession it is best to kind of detach yourself in case you got upset in front of the family doesn't mean your cold but professional . We will all encounter death at some point whether its family or someone we know but life has to go on x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got too attached to a handful of terminally ill individuals, and when they eventually died, I was very upset.

I moved away from working with the terminally ill afterwards.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Death is not an easy thing for anyone to cope with, recently a young man from chat lost his life on the operating table, so very sad, it brought back a lot of memories for me and made me realise I haven't really been able to grieve for my losses, I guess having a young child means you obviously put them first and care for them, putting your own feelings aside, it's probably why when the anniversaries come along I find it a difficult time. When I lost my son, my daughter was only a baby, so I had to care for her, when I lost my mum, I had my dad and daughter to care for, when my dad passed, I still had my daughter, so you see mostly your feelings are put aside. I know people say time heals and yes to a degree it does, but I'd still rather have them here with me. I personally deal with death quite well, I am able to move on and talk about it, giving people comfort, doesn't mean I don't get upset about it tho, I just hold myself together until I'm alone and behind closed doors.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I got too attached to a handful of terminally ill individuals, and when they eventually died, I was very upset.

I moved away from working with the terminally ill afterwards.

Sorry but I'm curious why you moved away from this work when you helped so much with these persons last breaths of life.

I learned "Detachment" & thought of it as I am honoured to help release a soul from this life into their next life.

I left because of politics but I still work with releasing souls.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Death is as much part of life as is birth, we preceive the former as sad and the latter as joyful, in most cases anyway. Death is about loss and we experience loss all the time, mostly on a smaller, less significant level.

The subject of death is a difficult one and often avoided in conversation - because it evokes unpleasant feelings of sadness - let s face it who likes to be sad? Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (please google) is a well known researcher into the cycle of loss and the different emotions connected with it. Most people experience some of the feelins some of the time although not necessarily in the same order. her books are really insightful for anybody who has personally experienced bereavement and also for anybody who is working with people who are dying and their relatives and friends.

Hope this helps the topic?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I cannot look someone in his/her eyes and say "you will soon get better" etc., when deep down I know he/she will die, eventually.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Probably having to sit with my dad as he took his last breaths and opened his eyes and looked into mine is the hardest experience of my life .i had to give him permission to go and it would be ok.as he was terminally ill with a brain tumour and his swallowing reflex had gone he was no longer able to eat food or drink.cancer is such a cruel death .i tried to think of him being in peace ,I saw him laid out in his coffin and he looked at peace and not in pain .that gave a source of comfort to me .he looked asleep but was cold to the touch .that experience still haunts me to this day but with time it has got easier to deal with .poppyxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I cannot look someone in his/her eyes and say "you will soon get better" etc., when deep down I know he/she will die, eventually.

If you had looked at it possibly in a different light, then you may have thought & felt differently about their death.

Very complex subject.

I'll leave it at that & wish the OP & everyone else a great day

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Callum had been doing his job for two years before he found someone dead and bugger me he found one the next night. He was upset but knows sadly its part of his job.

No one avoided me when my dad died completely the opposite.

Its worse now when I have a bad day as I think people are sick of hearing about it. Its amazing how support from strangers can help

These forums helped me through my darkest days

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had experience death of loved ones twice between 2005 and 2008.

My dad's death was expected, as he was a heavy smoker and drinker. From 2001 onwards, every time I went to visit my parents in another continent, I expected it to be the last time I would see my dad alive.

It was a shock to my mum, however, when I heard he was diagnosed with lung cancer, I knew he had no more than 6 months to live if he was lucky. He died within 3 months.

The death of my late partner in 2008 was a shock as he died of an accident.

At the time, I just got on with my life as much as I could, concentrated on the happy memories and compartmentalised the not so happy events surrounding his funeral arrangement as I was excluded by his family as he did not leave a will.

Returning to work as quickly as I could definitely helped.

However, I believe the best thing that I did at the time, was to keep his dog as my own, as I believe he survived and did not die with his master to serve a purpose, to look after me.

People treat and react to death very differently, what suits one person does not suit another, that's for certain!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I believe in our society we don't talk about death enough, it's still a very taboo subject. It shouldn't be, it is one of the few guarantees in life. I found talking about the dead person helps. Remembering the good times, as well as the bad. I still think of those I have lost daily, I will never forget them, many of the played a part in the person I am today. Certainly my maternal Grandparents. I have pictures of them on my wall, but I've forgotten their voices, that makes me a little sad."

When I have lost people I love I have found that remembering the good times has really helped as it can put a smile on my face...sometimes through the tears. As crazy as it may sound, the buffet after my Gran's funeral helped me massively as the people there were talking about things she had done (some from when she was much younger and some of the things she used to do that made us giggle) and it gave me something much nicer to think about than her passing. I do still get upset now, but try to focus on something good and it reminds me of her life not her death.

As for detaching from death in work, I think you have to be able to if it is part of your job. I know I couldn't do it but I have a lot of respect for those that do x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My dad passed away recently then my grandad a week later, I don't think anything helps you through it. You find the strength from somewhere. My dads death hasn't hit me yet and I know it will one day, probably like a train. "

Possibly not...

My father had a good and long life and was very ill towards the end... His death was a small blessing, for him.... And twelve years on it has never "hit" me....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"a work collegue just experienced her first one and is really upset. i remember my first dead body and too found it difficult to deal with at the time.

i too am never 100% sure what to say to family members and feel guilty for laughing about things for the rest of the day.

i do care for the people i look after naturally but its different to losing a loved one. im now wondering if im cold because i can detach myself and not feel anything..

meh

if you have experienced death of someone close what 'helped' if anything?

Know exactly what your grandma feels.....I'm still here, I'm still alive,, I still me.....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When my nan died I was only a teenager but looked after her after school and weekends it was hard to adapt to having nothing to do with the fact I'd never see her again but the thing that still makes me smile is the nightly prayers she made me do which would always include her beloved dog that hated me

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My first dead body was an elder man who passed away in a cancer hospital, I had to help the porter get him down to the mortuary. It was the new security officer at Arrow park to help out the night porter at Clatterbridge hospital.

When my grandparents passed away I was kept away from the funerals, I miss my grandfather the most.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seen 3 dead bodies and found my husband dead.

The image stays with you for a long time all I wanted to do was protect his modesty as he slept naked but was so scared to touch him, ambulance arrived and were fantastic so were the police

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw my mom in chapel of rest at the hospital and several times at visitation at the funeral home also saw my nan at the funeral home, wish I hadn't seen my husband at visitation as he looked awful. Was very shocked and was not happy at the funeral home for how he was presented

(Law suit followed)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By * Jay69Man
over a year ago

Bridgwater - Somerset

Lost my Mum and Dad, quite some years ago. Time does make it easier.

The thinking you've spotted them in a crowd of people has faded now. Think fondly of them, particularly my Dad, a lovely kind gentle man.

Had a particularly bad time with the death of my ex's Mother. She seemed to have beaten breast cancer, but was later misdiagnosed. Had bone cancer, thigh broke as the ambulance men carried her downstairs, she was put on an orthopaedic ward, not oncology. Was sent to a convalescent hospital where well meaning people spoke of her going home - What a relief to get her into the Hospice, the no-nonsense "Of course she's going to die, but we can make it as good and painless an experience as possible." was such a relief.

We don't talk about death but Private Fraser is correct. We're all doomed.

It gets every one eventually.

Can we have a more cheerful thread now?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *leasureDomeMan
over a year ago

all over the place

looking yourself in the mirror after, and knowing that while they were here, you did everything you could to make their journey easier.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I have seen death professionally and personally. I find the death of babies and children harder to deal with than those that have lived their life.

It is the one given so treat others as you would like to be treated.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I have seen death professionally and personally. I find the death of babies and children harder to deal with than those that have lived their life.

It is the one given so treat others as you would like to be treated."
I am completely with you on this.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I have seen death professionally and personally. I find the death of babies and children harder to deal with than those that have lived their life.

It is the one given so treat others as you would like to be treated.I am completely with you on this.

I also use Kubler-Ross for all change management.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I have seen death professionally and personally. I find the death of babies and children harder to deal with than those that have lived their life.

It is the one given so treat others as you would like to be treated.I am completely with you on this.

I also use Kubler-Ross for all change management."
Me, too - also in forming and reforming a team etc. So many quite practical applications in the "normal" world. And many people are so surprised to find that they are not the only ones going through some of the emotions, that the emotions do not neceesarily relate to loss through bereavement but also in situations like loss of a job through redundancy etc.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Death is something I deal with regularly in a professional capacity. I've had to tell people that they're going to die and inform families of a loved ones passing. I do try to make the effort to be with each of my patients when they die as I feel a little familiarity helps them and their family.

Also, as a former serviceman, I've been responsible for the loss of lives in the line of duty. It was something that I never really thought about and still don't, with the exception of one...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have seen death professionally and personally. I find the death of babies and children harder to deal with than those that have lived their life.

It is the one given so treat others as you would like to be treated."
Not everyone has lived their lives to a total fulfilment .even adults as young as 21 and 17 die young and their deaths to those who are important to them ate just as hard as a child or a baby as they struggle to Coe to terms with the injustice and loss of their life.i think back to when I lost my dad who never had the privilege of getting to the age of retirement before he died and got told by a professional at least he lived hits life .sometimes it's the journey you go on before the death and the illness that is the hardest whether that's for a child or an adult .i too deal with death in a professional and personal capacity but would never ever say this to some one . Knowing how it made me feel at the time when it was said to me.i think it's a very emotive subject and one that you can never find the right words to say to everyone.each person,each loss is different and the way it effects the individual is also very different .i think we should all remember that .i agree you should treat others as you would want to be treated .its a very differ cult subject indeed to put justice to on here and this forum .i sorry for everyone's loss who's posted on here .poppyxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Death is something I deal with regularly in a professional capacity. I've had to tell people that they're going to die and inform families of a loved ones passing. I do try to make the effort to be with each of my patients when they die as I feel a little familiarity helps them and their family.

Also, as a former serviceman, I've been responsible for the loss of lives in the line of duty. It was something that I never really thought

about and still don't, with the exception of one..."

I take my hat off to you and I bet not many people considered this angle of loss.it was your duty and I don't know what else to say but I think as your post shows you are a very caring individual and although we all hope for peace it sometimes seems an impossible dream that we all hope could be a reality in the perfect world but it's not a reality at the moment and all we can do is hope it becomes one in the future .hope that doesn't sound too condescending as its not meant that way at all .its meant with all my heart .xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

My first job out of college was nursing. My first dead body scared me, but the rituals we perform for the dead I found cathartic.

The day I woke up and found my son dead is a day I'll never forget. That day is printed on my mind, I could tell you who said what, when, where. What got me through it was allowing myself to be sad and grieve. My other children and husband and realising life was temporary, and death was a journey we all will take, so enjoy life.

Yesterday was my ex mother-in-laws memorial service. The church was full to the rafters and 90% were her family. I saw people I'd not seen since my wedding 32 years ago, but they all looked the same.

My ex is devastated as he'd taken early retirement to look after his mum and her death was sudden an unexpected. On Wednesday, my youngest along with her aunts and uncles fly out to Jamaica taking their nan home for burial in her garden beside her husband and son.

My ex doesn't do funerals and won't go. I've already told my sisters he won't go to mine if I go first so leave him alone and not give him a hard time.

That's his way of coping with loss.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The first death i ever experienced of a loved one was my gran. I was 20 at the time and the day she died i went out and got as drugged up as i could at a rave, it was the only way i could deal with it at the time, not proud to say it but i must have had a bit of everything that night. I wasn't even into drugs . But it absolutely broke my heart because i was so close to her, still hurts to this day and i admit i went off the rails for a bit after that.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I know one thing i will never go to a chapel of rest to see someone as long i live. It didn look like, he was so cold, but that was ok. But he had lost so much weigt recently, he just looked tiny in the coffin.

I was terrified

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

thank you to everyone who has contributed publically or via PM.

hand on heart i like to think i show respect to the families of deceased patients and your all right its completely an individual thing. some try.to be funny, some dont say a word and ive had people scream and cry before.

i see bodies as empty shells and open a window to release the soul/spirit. i think that person is now happy with previous family, loved ones & friends. im not overly religious (dont pray or go to church) but i guess my personal coping method is that people i do look after will move on to a pain free after life.

stops me getting attached and enables me to be professional for the families.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 06/05/13 06:52:18]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I saw my mom in chapel of rest at the hospital and several times at visitation at the funeral home also saw my nan at the funeral home, wish I hadn't seen my husband at visitation as he looked awful. Was very shocked and was not happy at the funeral home for how he was presented

(Law suit followed) "
. Horrible seeing them in the funeral home ...all you want to do is shake them awake,,,the only thing they did wrong was his hair but he was in a coma and never got cut...I ended up doin it myself though the tears.....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

bit of a close 1 to me this but iv experience of both sides I lost my sister in a car crash coming up to 10 yrs ago now. not sure if you can see it but shes the roz in my tat an it still at times feels like yesterday the only thing that helps is time even then I now don't believe you get over it you just learn how to deal with it

on the other hand my mum died about 6/7 yrs ago we was never close an from the age of 12/13 I grew up in a kids home. when she died it was the compleat opersit I felt nothing. so in answer to the op no ur not uncaring its how much the person means to you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread