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"If you have fallen out of love and regular counselling for a year hasn't worked it is maybe time for you both to move on from the relationship. " House kids and we don't hate eachother, however the chemistry just isn't there anymore ! | |||
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"Have you told her you have joined Fabswingers ?" Sadly not, sexually she is very reserved, find porn offensive, sexy underwear is a no no so I think fabswingers would just end the relationship | |||
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"If you have fallen out of love and regular counselling for a year hasn't worked it is maybe time for you both to move on from the relationship. House kids and we don't hate eachother, however the chemistry just isn't there anymore !" i was in the exact same situation we never from the whole covid thing both at home kids at home got divorced about 3 years ago kids and house involved if you split up stay civil and friendly makes things go much more smoothly | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship " What would you do about the kids and the house ? | |||
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"If you have fallen out of love and regular counselling for a year hasn't worked it is maybe time for you both to move on from the relationship. House kids and we don't hate eachother, however the chemistry just isn't there anymore ! i was in the exact same situation we never from the whole covid thing both at home kids at home got divorced about 3 years ago kids and house involved if you split up stay civil and friendly makes things go much more smoothly " I wouldn't want a negative divorce, the kids are the most important thing in everything | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship What would you do about the kids and the house ?" In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone | |||
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" In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone " So why stay on this site if her finding out would financially cripple you ? | |||
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"op do you go out together at all,, visit the pub or go out for a meal.." not very often due to the kids, my parents will have them but when we do we end up talking about the kids and when we do get on the subject of anything emotional it usually ends up with her crying and me frustrated | |||
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" In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone So why stay on this site if her finding out would financially cripple you ?" I like the real life side of things, porn doesn't do it, like the connection with ithers | |||
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"op do you go out together at all,, visit the pub or go out for a meal.. not very often due to the kids, my parents will have them but when we do we end up talking about the kids and when we do get on the subject of anything emotional it usually ends up with her crying and me frustrated " Do you think perhaps you have unrealistic expectations of what your relationship 'should ' be like | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship What would you do about the kids and the house ? In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone " Sounds like your in a similar situation to what I was. We separated last year, she's still in the house with the kids at the moment but it's getting sold soon. We've worked out that with the child maintenance I give and universal credit she should be able to get a mortgage. I had the idea of staying joint owner of house and buying another for myself but in reality wouldn't have been possible for me. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart when we split especially with the kids, but I think it will work out best for us all. It's an awful situation, but it will come right in the end. | |||
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"op do you go out together at all,, visit the pub or go out for a meal.. not very often due to the kids, my parents will have them but when we do we end up talking about the kids and when we do get on the subject of anything emotional it usually ends up with her crying and me frustrated I think we're in different places but I think all relationships should have a connection and some chemistry, I know that life changes things between people but to have no sexual intimacy in a relationship isn't a good thing Do you think perhaps you have unrealistic expectations of what your relationship 'should ' be like " | |||
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"So I've fallen out of love with my wife, we have a functional relationship but no passion and little to no intimacy (4 sexual encounters between us in 14 months). I'm not sure how much longer things can continue, we have been to regular counselling for the last year but nothing is changing ! Help and advice ?" Not sure if you'll get better advice here if all place if counselling isn't working  | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship What would you do about the kids and the house ? In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone " Check if you/she would qualify for universal credit. I've seen a few couples flogging a dead horse for years because they were afraid of worsening their financial situation upon separating, and didn't know where to look. There are a couple of good benefit calculators online. | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship What would you do about the kids and the house ? In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone Sounds like your in a similar situation to what I was. We separated last year, she's still in the house with the kids at the moment but it's getting sold soon. We've worked out that with the child maintenance I give and universal credit she should be able to get a mortgage. I had the idea of staying joint owner of house and buying another for myself but in reality wouldn't have been possible for me. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart when we split especially with the kids, but I think it will work out best for us all. It's an awful situation, but it will come right in the end. " Thank you, it's good to know there could be a good outcome, I really worry about the kids though | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship What would you do about the kids and the house ? In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone Check if you/she would qualify for universal credit. I've seen a few couples flogging a dead horse for years because they were afraid of worsening their financial situation upon separating, and didn't know where to look. There are a couple of good benefit calculators online." Thank you x | |||
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"op do you go out together at all,, visit the pub or go out for a meal.. not very often due to the kids, my parents will have them but when we do we end up talking about the kids and when we do get on the subject of anything emotional it usually ends up with her crying and me frustrated Do you think perhaps you have unrealistic expectations of what your relationship 'should ' be like " A relationship should be one where both parties are happy and comfortable with however it is between them surely, which OP isn’t despite their efforts. That doesn’t sound like some unrealistic expectation to me. | |||
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"op do you go out together at all,, visit the pub or go out for a meal.. not very often due to the kids, my parents will have them but when we do we end up talking about the kids and when we do get on the subject of anything emotional it usually ends up with her crying and me frustrated Do you think perhaps you have unrealistic expectations of what your relationship 'should ' be like A relationship should be one where both parties are happy and comfortable with however it is between them surely, which OP isn’t despite their efforts. That doesn’t sound like some unrealistic expectation to me." Thank you | |||
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"Children are more resilient than you think, you know you’re own kids better than anyone so I won’t give ‘specific parenting advice’ but what I would say is as long as you make them feel secure, loved and cared for, and be consistent if you do split, then they stand their best chance of being okay. It sounds an awful situation but it’s manageable, good luck." thank you, they are resilient but not seeing them every day would be a real challenge | |||
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"Children are more resilient than you think, you know you’re own kids better than anyone so I won’t give ‘specific parenting advice’ but what I would say is as long as you make them feel secure, loved and cared for, and be consistent if you do split, then they stand their best chance of being okay. It sounds an awful situation but it’s manageable, good luck. thank you, they are resilient but not seeing them every day would be a real challenge " Yeah there is no easy answer to that, but by the sounds of it no rush to decide either. If you can discuss with your wife just how your feeling in ending things then it may give you both time to get your head around it and mentally prepare and manage it. There’s no guarantee of course! At first you may still see them everyday and phase things for you all to get used to in terms of time. | |||
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"I can only ask this of you for obvious reasons, but how open and honest have you been during your counselling...have you held back with regard your aspirations or needs in your relationship,do you believe she has been open ??" I think there is always an element of not opening up fully in detail and reserved in the language used as with a counsellor and professional element but I have been clear on what I want and need | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? " She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance | |||
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"I personally think a swingers site is the last place to be airing all your business Xxxx" Thank you, I'm looking for advice not necessarily sharing | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance " Are you paying for the counsellor ? | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Are you paying for the counsellor ?" Yes I have done throughout twice monthly | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance " Ok. You're both comfortable with a counsellor who isn't helping much? Are you paying her? Exactly what would you like your relationship with your wife to be like, if it changed would you love her again? | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Ok. You're both comfortable with a counsellor who isn't helping much? Are you paying her? Exactly what would you like your relationship with your wife to be like, if it changed would you love her again?" I think so, if we could roll back to when we were younger, more playful and spontaneous and excited that would help alot | |||
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"I've divorced twice, the second time my daughter was involved. Both times neither had cheated on the other so it was fairly easy to keep things civil. It's a hard move to make but I guarantee that if you split due to your cheating the situation will be worse 100 fold - and the kids will really suffer. It seems like you've tried to sort things out but are unable to, move out, rent a room in a house share - you never know you might meet your soul mate there, as I did. Good luck. K. " Thank you x | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance " Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Ok. You're both comfortable with a counsellor who isn't helping much? Are you paying her? Exactly what would you like your relationship with your wife to be like, if it changed would you love her again? I think so, if we could roll back to when we were younger, more playful and spontaneous and excited that would help alot" Yeah we'd all like that but it isn't possible. I don't know your situation but life changes. You have kids, responsibilities, worries, bills etc you can't turn the clock back and you either have to make the best of your life as it is or change it. If one or both of you can't do that then you're going to stay unhappy. Change counsellor, you're wasting your money | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over." Going has certainly helped communication and I thought / hoped it would help the other things too, we're over a year down the line and that hasn't happened yet but never know, how long do you give it though ! | |||
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"I was in a sexless marriage for many years, it was due to her having a neurological illness, there was never any doubt in my mind that I was staying to look after her irrespective of the no sex. No I didn't stray , yes I bloody missed it like crazy, but I couldn't have held sexual meetings and full time caring at same time. I honestly just wouldn't have had the energy. In sickness and health and all that. Good luck with your situation OP " Fair play to you, thank you | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. Going has certainly helped communication and I thought / hoped it would help the other things too, we're over a year down the line and that hasn't happened yet but never know, how long do you give it though !" A year seems like a long time to keep at it! I had 3 lots of relationship counselling during my marriage, at very different points, and each block lasted 12 weeks, I think. | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. Going has certainly helped communication and I thought / hoped it would help the other things too, we're over a year down the line and that hasn't happened yet but never know, how long do you give it though ! A year seems like a long time to keep at it! I had 3 lots of relationship counselling during my marriage, at very different points, and each block lasted 12 weeks, I think. " Maybe having shorter bursts of counselling and support could help rather than a constant | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. Going has certainly helped communication and I thought / hoped it would help the other things too, we're over a year down the line and that hasn't happened yet but never know, how long do you give it though !" What have you both put in place to change things, what is the result of your improved communication? | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. Going has certainly helped communication and I thought / hoped it would help the other things too, we're over a year down the line and that hasn't happened yet but never know, how long do you give it though ! What have you both put in place to change things, what is the result of your improved communication?" Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us | |||
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"I think if you have anyone else you can cheat with who you know will be discrete, then perhaps go for that. But people usually get found out given enough time, so it might be time for an honest conversation about your needs and possible solutions. Whatever you decide to do, or not do, hope it all works out well for you." "If you have anyone else you can cheat with"!!!!I think this is the worst advice I think I have ever heard!!! | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. Going has certainly helped communication and I thought / hoped it would help the other things too, we're over a year down the line and that hasn't happened yet but never know, how long do you give it though ! What have you both put in place to change things, what is the result of your improved communication? Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us" So have either of you come up with ways to improve intimacy? Are you the only one who sees it as a problem? | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. Going has certainly helped communication and I thought / hoped it would help the other things too, we're over a year down the line and that hasn't happened yet but never know, how long do you give it though ! What have you both put in place to change things, what is the result of your improved communication? Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us So have either of you come up with ways to improve intimacy? Are you the only one who sees it as a problem?" She just finds sex, masturbation essentially anything sexual a problem, it's her lack of confidence, we have tried romantic dinners, candles, nice bath, massages and it doesn't change things | |||
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" Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us" Is lack of intimacy the biggest problem for your wife too ? | |||
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"Honestly can’t see this turning out well the fact that you’re asking for advice on a swingers forum gives a measure of where you are in your understanding…. You say you fell out of love do you really understand what happened? Before you can fix or solve anything complex , you have to really understand what has happened and why I don’t think you do, or you don’t seem to want to bother finding out" sorry but I feel over a year of counselling and trying many different things to try and improve our relationship, I have tried alot !n | |||
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"If you can get along together then why not have a conversation with her about having sex with others? " Haha that would be good but not a conversation that would go down well lol | |||
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" Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us Is lack of intimacy the biggest problem for your wife too ?" she is happy functioning and plodding | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. Going has certainly helped communication and I thought / hoped it would help the other things too, we're over a year down the line and that hasn't happened yet but never know, how long do you give it though ! What have you both put in place to change things, what is the result of your improved communication? Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us So have either of you come up with ways to improve intimacy? Are you the only one who sees it as a problem? She just finds sex, masturbation essentially anything sexual a problem, it's her lack of confidence, we have tried romantic dinners, candles, nice bath, massages and it doesn't change things " Does she know what would change things? | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. Going has certainly helped communication and I thought / hoped it would help the other things too, we're over a year down the line and that hasn't happened yet but never know, how long do you give it though ! What have you both put in place to change things, what is the result of your improved communication? Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us So have either of you come up with ways to improve intimacy? Are you the only one who sees it as a problem? She just finds sex, masturbation essentially anything sexual a problem, it's her lack of confidence, we have tried romantic dinners, candles, nice bath, massages and it doesn't change things Does she know what would change things? " she knows and agrees we both need intimacy in our relationship | |||
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"Children are more resilient than you think, you know you’re own kids better than anyone so I won’t give ‘specific parenting advice’ but what I would say is as long as you make them feel secure, loved and cared for, and be consistent if you do split, then they stand their best chance of being okay. It sounds an awful situation but it’s manageable, good luck. thank you, they are resilient but not seeing them every day would be a real challenge " Totall agree with this ^^. It is a challenge for both parents, but your new normal soon settles for all. Plus you adjust to having some quality time for yourself too. I had the worries, concerns, anxiety and guilt at ending my marriage when my kids were younger. We are now 13 years down the road from divorce, and each parent has a great relationship with our children. We had to sell the family home, my ex was able to buy a house but I couldn't. I went into rentals, and before moving I hated the idea of renting for a host of reasons, but it was actually beneficial for me at that time in relation to maintenence and servicing of important items etc. I walked away from the marriage with all the marital debt and it took me the next 10 years to pay that off. Then I had to save a deposit for a house and now am back on the property ladder. You will be looking through a lense of negativity regarding all potential advice or experience of others because they are not in your particular situation. We all had exactly the same worries as you yet we took the leap of faith and my children (as adults) both thank me for everything I did to give them a safe, secure and happy upbringing with 2 parents that can be amicable towards each other. My kids look at my second marriage with love and happiness for my husband and I. We have set a positive example to them for what a loving, kind and equal relationship looks like. Mrs | |||
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" she is happy functioning and plodding " As she is happy, why does she continue to go for the counselling ? | |||
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" Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us Is lack of intimacy the biggest problem for your wife too ?she is happy functioning and plodding " Honestly I think you need more advice than we can give. It seems that you've reached a place that your wife is happy at and you're not. Does she know you don't love her and have given thought to leaving? Does she realise how serious this problem is for both of you? If you haven't made that clear you need to | |||
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"Honestly can’t see this turning out well the fact that you’re asking for advice on a swingers forum gives a measure of where you are in your understanding…. You say you fell out of love do you really understand what happened? Before you can fix or solve anything complex , you have to really understand what has happened and why I don’t think you do, or you don’t seem to want to bother finding out" Really not sure how after reading that far down, you came to that conclusion 😂 | |||
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" What has your counsellor advised you both do to improve the situation? She hasnt but feel I can't change counsellor as my wife is comfortable with her as am I but not really getting guidance Not all counsellors give guidance. They provide a safe space for two people to listen to each other and be open about their own thoughts/feelings/needs. If communication in the appointments is successful, the hope is that the couple can then apply those skills at home when their is nobody else there to "manage" the conversation. It might feel frustrating that your counsellor isn't telling you how to fix things, but they are hoping to teach you the methods to come up with that "fix" together, or mutually come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. Going has certainly helped communication and I thought / hoped it would help the other things too, we're over a year down the line and that hasn't happened yet but never know, how long do you give it though ! What have you both put in place to change things, what is the result of your improved communication? Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us So have either of you come up with ways to improve intimacy? Are you the only one who sees it as a problem? She just finds sex, masturbation essentially anything sexual a problem, it's her lack of confidence, we have tried romantic dinners, candles, nice bath, massages and it doesn't change things Does she know what would change things? she knows and agrees we both need intimacy in our relationship " Yet nothing changes. What does that tell you? | |||
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"Children are more resilient than you think, you know you’re own kids better than anyone so I won’t give ‘specific parenting advice’ but what I would say is as long as you make them feel secure, loved and cared for, and be consistent if you do split, then they stand their best chance of being okay. It sounds an awful situation but it’s manageable, good luck. thank you, they are resilient but not seeing them every day would be a real challenge Totall agree with this ^^. It is a challenge for both parents, but your new normal soon settles for all. Plus you adjust to having some quality time for yourself too. I had the worries, concerns, anxiety and guilt at ending my marriage when my kids were younger. We are now 13 years down the road from divorce, and each parent has a great relationship with our children. We had to sell the family home, my ex was able to buy a house but I couldn't. I went into rentals, and before moving I hated the idea of renting for a host of reasons, but it was actually beneficial for me at that time in relation to maintenence and servicing of important items etc. I walked away from the marriage with all the marital debt and it took me the next 10 years to pay that off. Then I had to save a deposit for a house and now am back on the property ladder. You will be looking through a lense of negativity regarding all potential advice or experience of others because they are not in your particular situation. We all had exactly the same worries as you yet we took the leap of faith and my children (as adults) both thank me for everything I did to give them a safe, secure and happy upbringing with 2 parents that can be amicable towards each other. My kids look at my second marriage with love and happiness for my husband and I. We have set a positive example to them for what a loving, kind and equal relationship looks like. Mrs " Thank you so much for this message | |||
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"Honestly can’t see this turning out well the fact that you’re asking for advice on a swingers forum gives a measure of where you are in your understanding…. You say you fell out of love do you really understand what happened? Before you can fix or solve anything complex , you have to really understand what has happened and why I don’t think you do, or you don’t seem to want to bother finding out sorry but I feel over a year of counselling and trying many different things to try and improve our relationship, I have tried alot !n" Ok…Surely in a year of counselling, you must now fully understand the situation you’re in , how you got there, your options, I’m a decision you need to make between you and have a plan? What more could strangers on a swinging site offer for advice? | |||
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" Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us Is lack of intimacy the biggest problem for your wife too ?she is happy functioning and plodding Honestly I think you need more advice than we can give. It seems that you've reached a place that your wife is happy at and you're not. Does she know you don't love her and have given thought to leaving? Does she realise how serious this problem is for both of you? If you haven't made that clear you need to" I have told her I'm unhappy and it can't continue like it is but I just hope with time things improve | |||
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"So I've fallen out of love with my wife, we have a functional relationship but no passion and little to no intimacy (4 sexual encounters between us in 14 months). I'm not sure how much longer things can continue, we have been to regular counselling for the last year but nothing is changing ! Help and advice ?" Snap ! I’m here just for my kid. Sex was always horrendous even after talking about it and try new ish things l I gave up trying years ago and we have had two sexual encounters of any description once in 2016 and once more in 2018. We get ok but I’ve zero sexual feelings towards her and guessing she feels same as she bf dr made a move. Shit happens so concentrating on my kid and job | |||
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" Improved Comms has just made it a bit more settled and happier at home but not changed anything intimacy wise which is the biggest problem between us Is lack of intimacy the biggest problem for your wife too ?she is happy functioning and plodding Honestly I think you need more advice than we can give. It seems that you've reached a place that your wife is happy at and you're not. Does she know you don't love her and have given thought to leaving? Does she realise how serious this problem is for both of you? If you haven't made that clear you need to I have told her I'm unhappy and it can't continue like it is but I just hope with time things improve " How does she react when you tell her you're unhappy? | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship What would you do about the kids and the house ? In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone Sounds like your in a similar situation to what I was. We separated last year, she's still in the house with the kids at the moment but it's getting sold soon. We've worked out that with the child maintenance I give and universal credit she should be able to get a mortgage. I had the idea of staying joint owner of house and buying another for myself but in reality wouldn't have been possible for me. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart when we split especially with the kids, but I think it will work out best for us all. It's an awful situation, but it will come right in the end. Thank you, it's good to know there could be a good outcome, I really worry about the kids though " Kids are more robust than we give them credit for. Children can pick up on negative vibes/unhappy parents - so that can also have a negative effect on them. I think as long as you are mindful of how you speak about the other parent/stay respectful in front of the children and always put the kids needs first, they will be ok. My two were very young when I got divorced and it’s weird for them to think of me and their dad together now, but they’ve never once seen us argue in 11 yrs. I’ve had two relationships since then that have broken down and worried both times when it was about to happen but my kids were great and understanding and showed so much maturity. | |||
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"Thank you to all that have messaged it's good and reassuring to know many have been through this and come out the other side, I just want to be happier than I am now !" What are you and your wife doing to achieve that apart from talking about it? You can talk all you like but actions are what count. If neither of you are actually putting strategies in place things will stay the same | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship What would you do about the kids and the house ? In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone Sounds like your in a similar situation to what I was. We separated last year, she's still in the house with the kids at the moment but it's getting sold soon. We've worked out that with the child maintenance I give and universal credit she should be able to get a mortgage. I had the idea of staying joint owner of house and buying another for myself but in reality wouldn't have been possible for me. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart when we split especially with the kids, but I think it will work out best for us all. It's an awful situation, but it will come right in the end. Thank you, it's good to know there could be a good outcome, I really worry about the kids though Kids are more robust than we give them credit for. Children can pick up on negative vibes/unhappy parents - so that can also have a negative effect on them. I think as long as you are mindful of how you speak about the other parent/stay respectful in front of the children and always put the kids needs first, they will be ok. My two were very young when I got divorced and it’s weird for them to think of me and their dad together now, but they’ve never once seen us argue in 11 yrs. I’ve had two relationships since then that have broken down and worried both times when it was about to happen but my kids were great and understanding and showed so much maturity. " I think that no matter what happens between us, the kids are the most important us both so we would always be amicable and not horrible about eachother around the kids | |||
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"Thank you to all that have messaged it's good and reassuring to know many have been through this and come out the other side, I just want to be happier than I am now ! What are you and your wife doing to achieve that apart from talking about it? You can talk all you like but actions are what count. If neither of you are actually putting strategies in place things will stay the same" I have tried subtle suggestions of things we could do, even simple cuddles as I feel that I need to instigate something but it goes on deaf ears | |||
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"I can only ask this of you for obvious reasons, but how open and honest have you been during your counselling...have you held back with regard your aspirations or needs in your relationship,do you believe she has been open ?? I think there is always an element of not opening up fully in detail and reserved in the language used as with a counsellor and professional element but I have been clear on what I want and need" You spoke in your OP of a lack of passion and sexual liaison between you. Do you believe she would say the same , there is no blame for losing passion ,particularly as you grow older together....men have a lowered testosterone every year particularly after 30 onwards, women have increased oestrigen masking the desire giving small amounts of testosterone which gives them desire the desire ...before casting your relationship to the wind ,why not both go and get checked out,privately if necessary,as you will wait ages on the NHS and life is too short ... | |||
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"I'm sorry to hear this OP but it happens a lot. I fell out of love with my ex husband after 26 years of marriage and i left, it really was a bad situation but we dealt with it. My youngest was still at home and did suffer for a couple of months if I'm honest buf he bounced back and is happy. In hindsight it was best for everyone.I couldn't live a lie and wanted my life back, none of us were happy including the children. My ex has now moved on with someone else and is getting married and I'm in a really good place. It's better to have two parents happy separately then parents unhappy together. Children know even if you think they don't. Do what is best for you, it may be best for all in the long run." thank you for your kids words | |||
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"Will it be long before your children leave home ?" unfortunately yes, one 5 then other 12 | |||
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"Thank you to all that have messaged it's good and reassuring to know many have been through this and come out the other side, I just want to be happier than I am now ! What are you and your wife doing to achieve that apart from talking about it? You can talk all you like but actions are what count. If neither of you are actually putting strategies in place things will stay the same I have tried subtle suggestions of things we could do, even simple cuddles as I feel that I need to instigate something but it goes on deaf ears" Maybe you need to be less subtle. | |||
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"People often stay together citing reasons like children, stability of home and finances, not wanting to hurt the other, all the wrong reasons. Stay together if you genuinely believe you can fix it and are prepared to do whatever it takes , otherwise you owe it to both of you to give each other a chance if happiness with a new life and you owe it your kids to be honest and not live a lie. They aren’t stupid It won’t be easy , it will take a year or 2 to settle but you’ll both be glad you did it. Kids will be much happier too. As long as you do it properly and respectfully, most guys fail at that bit " That's a good point. I have a friend who's parents divorced once she and her sister left home to go to uni. They were heartbroken once they realised that their parents had only stayed together for them, and carried a lot of guilt and anger about it for a long time. She says it was a cold marriage with no displays of physical or verbal affection, but she never realised they weren't content with it and were simply biding their time. | |||
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"A trial separation might help, You only miss what you had when it's gone. You need a holiday from each other to clear the old and to start a new. A sense of humour in a relationship is a big factor. Maybe do things like cinema dinner date, party, things a new couple would do, it may rekindle the love. Spontaneous acts might do the trick. Flowers, chocolates just to say I love you. It's hard but be positive, there seems to be rise in break ups, hopefully you both can start a new trend of make up. Good luck hope it turns out good for you. " But he doesn't love her. That's the thing. | |||
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"A trial separation might help, You only miss what you had when it's gone. You need a holiday from each other to clear the old and to start a new. A sense of humour in a relationship is a big factor. Maybe do things like cinema dinner date, party, things a new couple would do, it may rekindle the love. Spontaneous acts might do the trick. Flowers, chocolates just to say I love you. It's hard but be positive, there seems to be rise in break ups, hopefully you both can start a new trend of make up. Good luck hope it turns out good for you. But he doesn't love her. That's the thing. " The fact he's seeking help and advice means he wants to change that. In any relationship be it marriage, work, taking your car to the garage you need a bit of give n take to get a result. They need to overcome this hurdle, he can start by being pro active then she would reciprocate, but a trial separation should the next thing give each other a break, maybe after 6months they'll both realise they really love each other after all. No guarantees, nobody said it would be easy. | |||
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"Why don't you stay in the house with the kids and the mortgage and your wife could go back to being how she was when she was young and carefree and flirty ? There's so many options really." Once again your hammer has hit the nail firmly on the head | |||
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"A trial separation might help, You only miss what you had when it's gone. You need a holiday from each other to clear the old and to start a new. A sense of humour in a relationship is a big factor. Maybe do things like cinema dinner date, party, things a new couple would do, it may rekindle the love. Spontaneous acts might do the trick. Flowers, chocolates just to say I love you. It's hard but be positive, there seems to be rise in break ups, hopefully you both can start a new trend of make up. Good luck hope it turns out good for you. But he doesn't love her. That's the thing. The fact he's seeking help and advice means he wants to change that. In any relationship be it marriage, work, taking your car to the garage you need a bit of give n take to get a result. They need to overcome this hurdle, he can start by being pro active then she would reciprocate, but a trial separation should the next thing give each other a break, maybe after 6months they'll both realise they really love each other after all. No guarantees, nobody said it would be easy." He doesn't love the woman she is, he wants her to change | |||
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"A trial separation might help, You only miss what you had when it's gone. You need a holiday from each other to clear the old and to start a new. A sense of humour in a relationship is a big factor. Maybe do things like cinema dinner date, party, things a new couple would do, it may rekindle the love. Spontaneous acts might do the trick. Flowers, chocolates just to say I love you. It's hard but be positive, there seems to be rise in break ups, hopefully you both can start a new trend of make up. Good luck hope it turns out good for you. But he doesn't love her. That's the thing. The fact he's seeking help and advice means he wants to change that. In any relationship be it marriage, work, taking your car to the garage you need a bit of give n take to get a result. They need to overcome this hurdle, he can start by being pro active then she would reciprocate, but a trial separation should the next thing give each other a break, maybe after 6months they'll both realise they really love each other after all. No guarantees, nobody said it would be easy. He doesn't love the woman she is, he wants her to change " I just want some kind of affection and desire for eachother again, I'm not talking about bang at it like rabbit or multiple times a week but just some glimmer of hope that things could get better ! | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship What would you do about the kids and the house ? In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone Sounds like your in a similar situation to what I was. We separated last year, she's still in the house with the kids at the moment but it's getting sold soon. We've worked out that with the child maintenance I give and universal credit she should be able to get a mortgage. I had the idea of staying joint owner of house and buying another for myself but in reality wouldn't have been possible for me. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart when we split especially with the kids, but I think it will work out best for us all. It's an awful situation, but it will come right in the end. " Your face pic will help you get the ladies today I don’t doubt  | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship What would you do about the kids and the house ? In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone Sounds like your in a similar situation to what I was. We separated last year, she's still in the house with the kids at the moment but it's getting sold soon. We've worked out that with the child maintenance I give and universal credit she should be able to get a mortgage. I had the idea of staying joint owner of house and buying another for myself but in reality wouldn't have been possible for me. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart when we split especially with the kids, but I think it will work out best for us all. It's an awful situation, but it will come right in the end. Your face pic will help you get the ladies today I don’t doubt "happy to send to anyone who wishes x | |||
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" I think fabswingers would just end the relationship What would you do about the kids and the house ? In an ideal world wife and kids stay in the house but financially that would cripple me as she couldn't afford the mortgage alone and I couldn't pay for mortgage and then set up alone Sounds like your in a similar situation to what I was. We separated last year, she's still in the house with the kids at the moment but it's getting sold soon. We've worked out that with the child maintenance I give and universal credit she should be able to get a mortgage. I had the idea of staying joint owner of house and buying another for myself but in reality wouldn't have been possible for me. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart when we split especially with the kids, but I think it will work out best for us all. It's an awful situation, but it will come right in the end. Your face pic will help you get the ladies today I don’t doubt happy to send to anyone who wishes x"I'm not a looker, just normal | |||
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"A trial separation might help, You only miss what you had when it's gone. You need a holiday from each other to clear the old and to start a new. A sense of humour in a relationship is a big factor. Maybe do things like cinema dinner date, party, things a new couple would do, it may rekindle the love. Spontaneous acts might do the trick. Flowers, chocolates just to say I love you. It's hard but be positive, there seems to be rise in break ups, hopefully you both can start a new trend of make up. Good luck hope it turns out good for you. But he doesn't love her. That's the thing. The fact he's seeking help and advice means he wants to change that. In any relationship be it marriage, work, taking your car to the garage you need a bit of give n take to get a result. They need to overcome this hurdle, he can start by being pro active then she would reciprocate, but a trial separation should the next thing give each other a break, maybe after 6months they'll both realise they really love each other after all. No guarantees, nobody said it would be easy. He doesn't love the woman she is, he wants her to change I just want some kind of affection and desire for eachother again, I'm not talking about bang at it like rabbit or multiple times a week but just some glimmer of hope that things could get better !" I would tell her that. In so many words. | |||
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"A trial separation might help, You only miss what you had when it's gone. You need a holiday from each other to clear the old and to start a new. A sense of humour in a relationship is a big factor. Maybe do things like cinema dinner date, party, things a new couple would do, it may rekindle the love. Spontaneous acts might do the trick. Flowers, chocolates just to say I love you. It's hard but be positive, there seems to be rise in break ups, hopefully you both can start a new trend of make up. Good luck hope it turns out good for you. But he doesn't love her. That's the thing. The fact he's seeking help and advice means he wants to change that. In any relationship be it marriage, work, taking your car to the garage you need a bit of give n take to get a result. They need to overcome this hurdle, he can start by being pro active then she would reciprocate, but a trial separation should the next thing give each other a break, maybe after 6months they'll both realise they really love each other after all. No guarantees, nobody said it would be easy. He doesn't love the woman she is, he wants her to change I just want some kind of affection and desire for eachother again, I'm not talking about bang at it like rabbit or multiple times a week but just some glimmer of hope that things could get better !" At least you are talking about it in a mature adult way. Could the two of you not come to a conclusion of a separation but still live together for financial and childcare reasons ? Until at least the children are 18? Then you wouldn’t have to hide your lifestyle. Obviously not throw it in her face but you wouldn’t be classed as cheating as you’s would be separated. She would also have to be allowed her free space too. | |||
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"A trial separation might help, You only miss what you had when it's gone. You need a holiday from each other to clear the old and to start a new. A sense of humour in a relationship is a big factor. Maybe do things like cinema dinner date, party, things a new couple would do, it may rekindle the love. Spontaneous acts might do the trick. Flowers, chocolates just to say I love you. It's hard but be positive, there seems to be rise in break ups, hopefully you both can start a new trend of make up. Good luck hope it turns out good for you. But he doesn't love her. That's the thing. The fact he's seeking help and advice means he wants to change that. In any relationship be it marriage, work, taking your car to the garage you need a bit of give n take to get a result. They need to overcome this hurdle, he can start by being pro active then she would reciprocate, but a trial separation should the next thing give each other a break, maybe after 6months they'll both realise they really love each other after all. No guarantees, nobody said it would be easy. He doesn't love the woman she is, he wants her to change I just want some kind of affection and desire for eachother again, I'm not talking about bang at it like rabbit or multiple times a week but just some glimmer of hope that things could get better ! At least you are talking about it in a mature adult way. Could the two of you not come to a conclusion of a separation but still live together for financial and childcare reasons ? Until at least the children are 18? Then you wouldn’t have to hide your lifestyle. Obviously not throw it in her face but you wouldn’t be classed as cheating as you’s would be separated. She would also have to be allowed her free space too. " it's certainly something I have thought about alot | |||
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"A trial separation might help, You only miss what you had when it's gone. You need a holiday from each other to clear the old and to start a new. A sense of humour in a relationship is a big factor. Maybe do things like cinema dinner date, party, things a new couple would do, it may rekindle the love. Spontaneous acts might do the trick. Flowers, chocolates just to say I love you. It's hard but be positive, there seems to be rise in break ups, hopefully you both can start a new trend of make up. Good luck hope it turns out good for you. But he doesn't love her. That's the thing. The fact he's seeking help and advice means he wants to change that. In any relationship be it marriage, work, taking your car to the garage you need a bit of give n take to get a result. They need to overcome this hurdle, he can start by being pro active then she would reciprocate, but a trial separation should the next thing give each other a break, maybe after 6months they'll both realise they really love each other after all. No guarantees, nobody said it would be easy. He doesn't love the woman she is, he wants her to change I just want some kind of affection and desire for eachother again, I'm not talking about bang at it like rabbit or multiple times a week but just some glimmer of hope that things could get better !" What does she say when you tell her this? You're talking about hope, subtle signs etc but you haven't said any specific thing that either of you are doing. I'm seeing no evidence of practical effort, just talking. | |||
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" we have tried romantic dinners, candles, nice bath, massages and it doesn't change things " OP said this | |||
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" we have tried romantic dinners, candles, nice bath, massages and it doesn't change things OP said this" Yes he did, you're right. It hasn't worked so they either need to try different things or... | |||
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" I have tried subtle suggestions of things we could do, even simple cuddles as I feel that I need to instigate something but it goes on deaf ears" Also this | |||
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" It hasn't worked so they either need to try different things or..." I agree | |||
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" I have tried subtle suggestions of things we could do, even simple cuddles as I feel that I need to instigate something but it goes on deaf ears Also this" I think it's gone beyond subtlety | |||
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"Fuck her off. Go get yourself some nice new shoes instead." Shoes ? | |||
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" I think it's gone beyond subtlety"  | |||
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"Fuck her off. Go get yourself some nice new shoes instead. Shoes ?" For his feet. | |||
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"If you have fallen out of love and regular counselling for a year hasn't worked it is maybe time for you both to move on from the relationship. House kids and we don't hate eachother, however the chemistry just isn't there anymore !" I was in the same situation and left. It was the hardest thing I ever done but also the best. We remain friends, both have houses and the children will always be ours. We are both much happier now. | |||
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" we have tried romantic dinners, candles, nice bath, massages and it doesn't change things OP said this" Too soon, trial separation first then the wooing should start. Sometimes throwing love on someone is counter productive, she may be going through depression and this is causing the rejection. Maybe a break from each other will create fertile ground for a new start. | |||
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"I think you should make a really big effort to make Valentine's Day extra special for her this year. If that doesn't work, I don't see much future in your relationship. " Would be a bit hypocritical making Valentines day special for someone he doesn't love. People change and so do emotions. Once the love has died I think it's time to go separate ways. | |||
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"Yes you are right. I had forgotten he had fallen out of love. I was thinking he wanted to salvage the relationship. " I think both are true. I like your advice. If OP wants to salvage the relationship, I might start with some one on one time. Give her a memorable evening - things she enjoys, things that will relax her. Give you a chance to cuddle up and rekindle some intimacy. *Not* as a pretext to quick sex. Absolutely not this. As a way to remind each other of that facet of the relationship, to make her feel cherished and *safe*. A bit of a shoulder rub as a pretext to boner will backfire spectacularly. | |||
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"Yes you are right. I had forgotten he had fallen out of love. I was thinking he wanted to salvage the relationship. I think both are true. I like your advice. If OP wants to salvage the relationship, I might start with some one on one time. Give her a memorable evening - things she enjoys, things that will relax her. Give you a chance to cuddle up and rekindle some intimacy. *Not* as a pretext to quick sex. Absolutely not this. As a way to remind each other of that facet of the relationship, to make her feel cherished and *safe*. A bit of a shoulder rub as a pretext to boner will backfire spectacularly." This is so true. Affection for it's own sake and feeling safe to offer cuddles without having to either refuse sex or have sex is very important. Quite often women don't show affection because the man in their life thinks it means they want sex | |||
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"This is why I love massages. Enjoying all the physical contact but not feeling obliged to do anything in return. " My ex used to start a massage and "accidentally" get his boner involved (in the death throes of our marriage). It's why I'm like, no hint of sex. It turns "this is nice, this is why I love private time with him" into "oh, this is just a ploy. Joy" | |||
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"This is why I love massages. Enjoying all the physical contact but not feeling obliged to do anything in return. My ex used to start a massage and "accidentally" get his boner involved (in the death throes of our marriage). It's why I'm like, no hint of sex. It turns "this is nice, this is why I love private time with him" into "oh, this is just a ploy. Joy"" This is why I pay for massages! | |||
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"So I've fallen out of love with my wife, we have a functional relationship but no passion and little to no intimacy (4 sexual encounters between us in 14 months). I'm not sure how much longer things can continue, we have been to regular counselling for the last year but nothing is changing ! Help and advice ?" . Stay away the the likes of FAB as its clearly a distraction from your relationship! | |||
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"A thought just occured to me Op have you been 100% honest with your counsellor? Does she know you no longer love your wife and have been a member of a swinging site for over a year? She might be steering you in the wrong direction if she doesn't know these things. " She doesn't, it's couple counselling so quite a tricky one to discuss | |||
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"A thought just occured to me Op have you been 100% honest with your counsellor? Does she know you no longer love your wife and have been a member of a swinging site for over a year? She might be steering you in the wrong direction if she doesn't know these things. She doesn't, it's couple counselling so quite a tricky one to discuss " Ask if individual sessions with the counsellor might help. | |||
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"A thought just occured to me Op have you been 100% honest with your counsellor? Does she know you no longer love your wife and have been a member of a swinging site for over a year? She might be steering you in the wrong direction if she doesn't know these things. She doesn't, it's couple counselling so quite a tricky one to discuss " Yes I imagine it would be. You're keeping quite important factors from your counsellor and your wife so it's going to be quite difficult to move forward in a spirit of honesty. I know that everyone is just trying to get by in life the best way they can and you must do what you think is best for you in the long term but you seem to have a private life away from your relationship thats a secret. A friend if mine had an affair that she kept secret from her husband. Eventually she decided to leave him. She told him about the affair and asked for a separation. This was a big wake up call for him. He knew she wasn't happy but hoped it would sort itself out without him doing very much or changing how he behaved. They stayed together but they both had to put a LOT of work in. | |||
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"So I've fallen out of love with my wife, we have a functional relationship but no passion and little to no intimacy (4 sexual encounters between us in 14 months). I'm not sure how much longer things can continue, we have been to regular counselling for the last year but nothing is changing ! Help and advice ?" While there are those that will & do give great advice here ,I think a subject as delicate as this, shouldn't be discussed in a joint like this . | |||
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