FabSwingers.com forum: How best to please a new Dom

By *ussets galore OP Couple
1 day ago

LONDON

We've just accepted a Dom but are not sure if it is better to let him dictate boundaries. Part of us think we could be in for a very exciting time if he is given total control but then we have seen some scary movies where it can go terribly wrong. What do you think?

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
1 day ago

North East Scotland, mostly

Please, please, sit down all three of you and discuss boundaries outside of a sexual situation. Consent is key.

Mrs TMN x

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By *eltCuteMightDeleteWoman
1 day ago

Reading

I think I'm worried about this situation. Please have good communication.

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By *vaRose43Woman
1 day ago

Forest of Dean

No good dom wants to dictate all the boundaries.

You set yours, they set theirs…. You meet in the middle ground where they overlap

When you say accepted….. that rings alarm bells for me. If you’re new to each other how can you be sure trust is there to play within those boundaries?

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By *igNick1381Man
1 day ago

BRIDGEND

"Please, please, sit down all three of you and discuss boundaries outside of a sexual situation. Consent is key.

Mrs TMN x"

This absolutely

Apart from the bare minimum which I assume you've covered (safe words / limit's etc) as Mrs TMN state's, have a sit down

Go over your expectations and what you expect / want from the situation

Once boundaries are in place and the relationship develops you can move things around, allow the Dom more control

The appeal of submission is partly having that trust in the Dom to give them more control

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By *ammie555TV/TS
1 day ago

Worcester

"We've just accepted a Dom but are not sure if it is better to let him dictate boundaries. Part of us think we could be in for a very exciting time if he is given total control but then we have seen some scary movies where it can go terribly wrong. What do you think?"

You should always set boundaries 1st, what's in n what's not allowed, so when you do meet there is no confusion n you can just get str8 down to business x

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
1 day ago

North East Scotland, mostly

I don’t know whether this is allowed or not but in the context of OP’s post, said “dom”’s verification worries me.

Mr TMN

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By *ussets galore OP Couple
1 day ago

LONDON

Should have said that we've built up a lot of trust already and the things he says he wants we want too. I guess its just nerves before taking the plunge. Thanks for the replies folks

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
1 day ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

"I don’t know whether this is allowed or not but in the context of OP’s post, said “dom”’s verification worries me.

Mr TMN"

Personally I'd say it's relevant.

OP as you've stated you're new to this I'd definitely advise not rushing in and getting over excited about what may have been previous fantasies, especially with someone you may not know well at all.

Consent, trust, boundaries and clear communication are key to this kind of dynamic. Handing over all control is ill advised.

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By *neeyedwillieMan
1 day ago

Darlington

As others have said. YOU dictate the boundries, not the Dom.

I do Dom and I always sit and discuss what the limits are before hand plus have a system in place to know if something is going to far.

Sit, discuss and make sure you cover everything you feel you need to... because the one thing that should always be in place is the sub being able to shut it down if it's going to far.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
1 day ago

Reading

As others have said if the dom doesn't have that conversation then I would run a mile. Any experienced dom will insist on an initial conversation.

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By *emorefridaCouple
1 day ago

La la land

Even with set boundaries, things sometimes go wrong. For you as a couple considering not having a voice in the dynamics structure is quite frankly dangerous.

Maybe some good research of your own, before proceeding would be a sensible idea.

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By *vaRose43Woman
1 day ago

Forest of Dean

"As others have said. YOU dictate the boundries, not the Dom.

I do Dom and I always sit and discuss what the limits are before hand plus have a system in place to know if something is going to far.

Sit, discuss and make sure you cover everything you feel you need to... because the one thing that should always be in place is the sub being able to shut it down if it's going to far. "

Not strictly true.

Both parties (or in this case all 3) need to set their boundaries. A dominant is not a kink dispenser, just as much as those submitting should not have any hard limit crossed.

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By *ammie555TV/TS
1 day ago

Worcester

"Should have said that we've built up a lot of trust already and the things he says he wants we want too. I guess its just nerves before taking the plunge. Thanks for the replies folks"

Yeh nerves always play a huge part n that is understandable, I am a sub but I make sure the dom knows my boundaries b4hand so there's no crossing the lines. Good luck n have fun x

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
1 day ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

"Should have said that we've built up a lot of trust already and the things he says he wants we want too. I guess its just nerves before taking the plunge. Thanks for the replies folks"

Have you actually met him yet?

Because what people say online can often differ massively from reality when you meet in person.

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By *oodo222Man
1 day ago

WIGAN

Tell him to fuck off see how good he really is.

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By *aramel.desiresMan
1 day ago

Addlestone

Sounds very suspicious to me. It's a 3 way relationship and boundaries should discussed with all 3 of you.

If you have a safe word use it now!!

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By *ansoffateMan
1 day ago

Sagittarius A

Boundaries should always be determined mutually and from an equal place of power, as far as I am concerned.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
1 day ago

East Sussex

Go out and buy a copy of 'screw the roses, send me the thorns'.

All three of you read it then start afresh.

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By *ensualMan
23 hours ago

Sutton

To my mind this is not a D/s relationship but a porn kinky fantasy relationship. At best sex dom stuff. It can either go fantastically well or there will be tears at teatime.

If OP and her partner as grown adults look at the acts that they are being asked to do, are they happy to do them or not?

If there are things they are not happy to do they should say so, politely.

Also, if they are being asked to try new acts, and they find they don’t like the acts, as adults they can refuse to do these acts.

Using the terms "Dom" and "sub" does not take away autonomy or humanity or change the basics of relationship behaviour, empathy, engagement, support etc.

What you have is a potentially highly charged situation, and it appears as if the person who should be giving reassurance is failing to do so.

It can be difficult for submissives having their fantasy dangled in front of them to be assertive, as part of the desire into be submissive.

As people have already said, you really need to discuss fully what all three of you want out of it.

There is no one way to do kinky relationships, but I am a believer in helping people expand their own boundaries rather than pushing the expansion. Also treading lightly when enacting fantasies.

Good luck

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By *midnight-Woman
22 hours ago

...

Good lord, I can't think of anything worse...

Why on earth do you want a Dom??

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By *bitofaslutTV/TS
22 hours ago

Cannock

Remember you are all equals.

Submission is always given freely with informed consent, never taken, never demanded.

If you don't have open and full communication both ways, that's a huge red flag. A Dom that's not open to picking a sub's brain for ideas and experiences isn't an experienced Dom. And if a Dom isn't interested in your limits and preferences, run hard and fast - and Dom's can have limits too.

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By *aiseaneyebrowMan
22 hours ago

Fylde

As others say. Theres some red flags here.

The dom is empowered and can only exist by the behest of the sub. Without willing submission there is no dominance.

Every part of play or a scene is played out within previously well discussed boundaries and there can be no deviation from that.

Nobody dictates. It’s a true democratic agreement and a negotiated pleasing and joyous relationship.

Explore. Play and indulge but don’t fall for someone pushing their views and desires onto you.

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By *ony MannMan
22 hours ago

Las Gaviotos, Fuerteventura / Ilfracombe Devon/ Anoover

The power is with the sub. The dom takes you as far as you want to go, after that its abuse.

The sub always has the power to say no, and the dom must respect the limits

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By *riar BelisseWoman
22 hours ago

Delightful Bliss

We make the contract together, neither one has power over the other unless in those bdsm boundaries we have agreed and set together.

Dominants and submissives are in a special kind of relationship and those in them, need to be communicating very clearly with each other.

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By *eyond PurityCouple
21 hours ago

Lincolnshire

I’m not sure who I’m more worried about.

Your post shows you are naive and therefore you need someone who will be responsible and help guide you in the many layers of a D/s relationship.

If the Dom isn’t having these discussions with you then please think twice about doing this.

There are many wannabe Dom’s on FAB and it’s important that your first experiences are positive.

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By *elvet RopeMan
18 hours ago

by the big field

This

"Remember you are all equals.

Submission is always given freely with informed consent, never taken, never demanded."

and this

"I’m not sure who I’m more worried about.

Your post shows you are naive and therefore you need someone who will be responsible and help guide you in the many layers of a D/s relationship.

If the Dom isn’t having these discussions with you then please think twice about doing this.

There are many wannabe Dom’s on FAB and it’s important that your first experiences are positive.

Sounds like you've all been watching the 50 Shades box set and got a bit giddy with excitement.

I met up with a new sub recently, bit of a last minute thing- but before any clothing was removed we discussed experiences, likes, limits and safe words... as well as me double checking she was 100% happy to play- which resulted in a fantastic few hours for us both.

Seriously, if you're not totally sure what you both want from it, do a little more research, discuss your wants as a couple and then add in the needs of the third and always insist on being able to stop play. If the Dom in question doesn't agree to an in-depth discussion about rules/limits/direction, start running!

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By *bitofaslutTV/TS
18 hours ago

Cannock

"This

Remember you are all equals.

Submission is always given freely with informed consent, never taken, never demanded.

and this

I’m not sure who I’m more worried about.

Your post shows you are naive and therefore you need someone who will be responsible and help guide you in the many layers of a D/s relationship.

If the Dom isn’t having these discussions with you then please think twice about doing this.

There are many wannabe Dom’s on FAB and it’s important that your first experiences are positive.

Sounds like you've all been watching the 50 Shades box set and got a bit giddy with excitement.

I got 30 pages into 50 shades and wanted to throw it across the room in anger.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
17 hours ago

Central

Consent and boundaries are totally each person's right and it's unwise to ever meet anyone who would expect differently.

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By *enelope2UWoman
17 hours ago

Fife

I think you should lay off the books and TV shows..

But I get it it's the UK sex and communication is still taboo.. they are hopefully human so first stages is talking to THEM on what and how they like to be.

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By *oubleswing2019Man
17 hours ago

Colchester

I don't mean this unkindly, but the most common mistake I see submissives make with a Dom, particularly a new one who they don't know, is to be too eager to please the Dom and not understand boundaries.

Unless you are in a TPE situation, which as newbies you most definitely should not be, the Dom/Sub relationship should be equitable and discussed thoroughly in advance before any play. (Even TPE engagements have rules and boundaries, not matter how subtle or transparent they may be).

A Dom should never dictate boundaries. Not even experienced Doms would do such a thing. YOU set and define your boundaries and the Dom is supposed to respect them. If they do not, then that is tantamount to abuse. If you said, "I do not want to be spanked", and the Dom spanks you, that is physical abuse. It's a criminal act. I cannot underscore that enough.

I am deeply concerned at your original post because there would appear to be no safeguards in place and you are unwittingly manoeuvring yourselves in to a very dangerous situation.

I cast no aspersions on the Dom in question. Might be a really nice fellow. My concerns are primarily for you both and your approach.

Without further context however, I can only say, if a couple said to me, "You can do what you want", that would RED FLAG me and I'd be wanting to have a gentle chat with them. I'd not play with anyone in that context at all.

Stay safe.

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