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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? " All being put to pasture in the same nursing home. | |||
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"Growing old? Bold of you to say that I’m not already! I really don’t know what that would look like, probably not too different from what it would look like for others, especially those that live alone. I think that if we liken poly to having children, you love them all but in different ways, one week it can change from another but it’s always balanced. Much as monogamous couples might go through peaks and troughs" Agreed Love changes, evolves, matures and goes through different cycles of intensity. That’s true for any monogamous pairing as well as poly relationships. Being old (or in my case older) doesn’t stop people falling in love, it doesn’t erase the bonds or feelings. It may present new challenges, mobility, transport, opportunities etc but if you love the person you find a way to make it work. My fear would be some form of dementia, my own or a partners and then slowly losing them that way. Again that is the same for any relationship though not just poly. | |||
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"Growing old? Bold of you to say that I’m not already! I really don’t know what that would look like, probably not too different from what it would look like for others, especially those that live alone. I think that if we liken poly to having children, you love them all but in different ways, one week it can change from another but it’s always balanced. Much as monogamous couples might go through peaks and troughs" I think for solo poly it is likely to look like being single. I suppose I always wonder because as someone said to me- I don’t really know of any poly elders. Maybe I should loook for more. Also I don’t have more than one child. But I very much see that I love my partners as much as each other just in different ways. I definitely do however have say, friends, who I love but I don’t love as much as some others. | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? All being put to pasture in the same nursing home." Genuinely would love a nursing home polycule | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? All being put to pasture in the same nursing home. Genuinely would love a nursing home polycule " Strage you say that I want a whole island, village or something like that | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? All being put to pasture in the same nursing home. Genuinely would love a nursing home polycule " Oh good lord. Epic | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? All being put to pasture in the same nursing home. Genuinely would love a nursing home polycule Oh good lord. Epic" Maybe when I win the lottery (bound to happen sooner or later) I'll open one of those as well as a swingers club. 🤷♂️ Maybe I'll put them next door to eachother for easy access.....🤔🤔😇😇 | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? All being put to pasture in the same nursing home. Genuinely would love a nursing home polycule Oh good lord. Epic Maybe when I win the lottery (bound to happen sooner or later) I'll open one of those as well as a swingers club. 🤷♂️ Maybe I'll put them next door to eachother for easy access.....🤔🤔😇😇" Definitely need easy access jacuzzi facilities Obi | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? All being put to pasture in the same nursing home. Genuinely would love a nursing home polycule Oh good lord. Epic Maybe when I win the lottery (bound to happen sooner or later) I'll open one of those as well as a swingers club. 🤷♂️ Maybe I'll put them next door to eachother for easy access.....🤔🤔😇😇 Definitely need easy access jacuzzi facilities Obi" Ramps and a hoist. It's definitely a hoist......not a sex swing, honest.....😇😇 | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? All being put to pasture in the same nursing home. Genuinely would love a nursing home polycule Oh good lord. Epic Maybe when I win the lottery (bound to happen sooner or later) I'll open one of those as well as a swingers club. 🤷♂️ Maybe I'll put them next door to eachother for easy access.....🤔🤔😇😇 Definitely need easy access jacuzzi facilities Obi Ramps and a hoist. It's definitely a hoist......not a sex swing, honest.....😇😇" A special hoist, quality 😁 | |||
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" All being put to pasture in the same nursing home." Can I reserve a spot now?! Sounds great! 🤣🤣 | |||
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"what does growing old in polyamory look like for you?" I have no idea Pickle. I just take life as it comes and work it out from there. "Even when hierarchy is involved, can you love all your partners AS MUCH even in different ways? " No idea. Again. I'm not very helpful today. I don't like to compare my relationships, I don't think about oh this one is better for this and that one is more important for that. My people matter to me. When I'm with one of them they are my focus, but that doesn't mean I care for anyone else less. They all help fill my life with joy. As long as that holds true that's all that matters. Comparison is the thief of joy 💜 | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? And as a follow on or in a similar theme- Even when hierarchy is involved, can you love all your partners AS MUCH even in different ways? " I think growing old in polyam will look much the same as it does now. Well, perhaps more travel and/or time with partners actually, because my kids will be grown and I'll potentially have more disposable cash! How old are you talking? Do you mean 40s, 50s etc or are you talking actually elderly? As for the second part, relationship anarchist here, each connection holds its own unique value, I don't sit and compare how one set of feelings sits against another. It is irrelevant to me whether I love someone "more" at any given moment. | |||
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"Did you mean when hierarchy *isn't* involved? Why should getting older change things? Maybe I'm being dim but I'm not understanding the questions. Is it time for me to flounce from the group chat? 🤣" Sorry no I meant even in hierarchy is it possible to love say your non nesting partner as much as your non nesting partner. I agree that it’s not always helpful and I am still decolonising my mind really but I have always thought ‘I would never love someone as much as person A’ and so the thought of loving person B or C in a way that feels as much (just in different ways) is like ‘wow. Shit. What is that?’ To me. I do believe that I love some people more than others though whilst appreciating the differences in why and how I love them. Like I said, I have friends and family and I love some friends, what feels like more, than others and some cousins more than others, but still love them. | |||
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" ...but I have always thought ‘I would never love someone as much as person A’ and so the thought of loving person B or C in a way that feels as much (just in different ways) I do believe that I love some people more than others though whilst appreciating the differences in why and how I love them. Like I said, I have friends and family and I love some friends, what feels like more, than others and some cousins more than others, but still love them. " You're comparing there though, still. For me, I don't think about my connections in any way that relates to other connections. I don't think to myself "I love partner A 10/10, but only love partner B 7.5/10 on the same scale". I think of it as more like...my capacity to love partner A is based on the connection between me and partner A. My capacity for love for partner B is based on the connection between me and B, the connection with A has nothing to do with that thought process. So I can't say I love A more than B, because they're not the same person, they're not the same connection, they're not comparable for me. It's like someone asking me what do I like best, apple or carpet? Uh well they're not the same and they provide me with completely different things? I can't apply all the things I like about carpet to when I think about apples, because it doesn't make sense. Same for different people. I judge my own connection level based on a realistic scope for potential, and where we are against that. Does this connection bring joy to us both? Am I living my values within this connection? Is my life enriched with them in it; do I enrich theirs? Not an exhaustive list. Those are different metrics than "who do I love the mostest of all" | |||
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" ...but I have always thought ‘I would never love someone as much as person A’ and so the thought of loving person B or C in a way that feels as much (just in different ways) I do believe that I love some people more than others though whilst appreciating the differences in why and how I love them. Like I said, I have friends and family and I love some friends, what feels like more, than others and some cousins more than others, but still love them. You're comparing there though, still. For me, I don't think about my connections in any way that relates to other connections. I don't think to myself "I love partner A 10/10, but only love partner B 7.5/10 on the same scale". I think of it as more like...my capacity to love partner A is based on the connection between me and partner A. My capacity for love for partner B is based on the connection between me and B, the connection with A has nothing to do with that thought process. So I can't say I love A more than B, because they're not the same person, they're not the same connection, they're not comparable for me. It's like someone asking me what do I like best, apple or carpet? Uh well they're not the same and they provide me with completely different things? I can't apply all the things I like about carpet to when I think about apples, because it doesn't make sense. Same for different people. I judge my own connection level based on a realistic scope for potential, and where we are against that. Does this connection bring joy to us both? Am I living my values within this connection? Is my life enriched with them in it; do I enrich theirs? Not an exhaustive list. Those are different metrics than "who do I love the mostest of all"" Oh I agree. I’m also not measuring it as, I love this person 10/10 vs 7.5/10. It’s more, I have more space in my heart than I thought possible, I have more space in my thoughts, I have more of myself to give than I thought. And without comparing the two partnerships because that’s not what I’m talking about here and not what I do, I’m considering what things they make me feel and noticing the similarities! To me, imo, you can love two, three, four, seven people for completely different reasons but still notice that you feel love in the same way for them. And it’s ok to notice that you love others but might notice that you don’t love with as much of yourself. By the way, you can go with the apples and oranges or carpet thing. Again I agree with what you’re saying, I think it’s great that your mind works like that, but I see it as, I love FIFA and I love COD and I love them just as much as each other though for different reasons because they’re different. I also love Sims and football manager but I don’t love them as much as the other two and that’s ok. I’m not comparing the games I’m considering the way I feel about them. Anyway like is said, poly is a journey. And poly looks different for us all. But I am still unlearning so many thoughts and ideas. | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? All being put to pasture in the same nursing home." Those peeps in there are already randy little bed swappers, without the promiscuous swingers adding to the mix. I'm looking forward to old age  | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? All being put to pasture in the same nursing home. Genuinely would love a nursing home polycule Oh good lord. Epic Maybe when I win the lottery (bound to happen sooner or later) I'll open one of those as well as a swingers club. 🤷♂️ Maybe I'll put them next door to eachother for easy access.....🤔🤔😇😇 Definitely need easy access jacuzzi facilities Obi Ramps and a hoist. It's definitely a hoist......not a sex swing, honest.....😇😇" Oi! I need a ramp and a hoist now. Not in 50yrs time  | |||
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" what does growing old in polyamory look like for you? All being put to pasture in the same nursing home. Those peeps in there are already randy little bed swappers, without the promiscuous swingers adding to the mix. I'm looking forward to old age "‘Looking forward’ awww | |||
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"P.S. sign me up for the nursing home." We’ll see you there 🫶🏾🫶🏾 | |||
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"I don't enforce any hierarchy, however my nesting partner is my highest priority, because we share a family and a home and more of a history together, and that deepens my feelings for them, whilst not necessary making me love them "more" than others. Love is love, I don't believe there are different degrees, but there are different contexts. I like thinking of my relationships like a jigsaw puzzle - they all have different elements that fit together perfectly. What I don't necessary get from my relationship with my nesting partner, I get from someone else. " Nesting partners who you parent with create what some have called an unavoidable hierarchy. I don’t like hierarchy but I do have a nesting partner, the mother of my daughter, | |||
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"I don't enforce any hierarchy, however my nesting partner is my highest priority, because we share a family and a home and more of a history together, and that deepens my feelings for them, whilst not necessary making me love them "more" than others. Love is love, I don't believe there are different degrees, but there are different contexts. I like thinking of my relationships like a jigsaw puzzle - they all have different elements that fit together perfectly. What I don't necessary get from my relationship with my nesting partner, I get from someone else. Nesting partners who you parent with create what some have called an unavoidable hierarchy. I don’t like hierarchy but I do have a nesting partner, the mother of my daughter, " And hierarchy isn't a bad thing in those contexts - sometimes it just is what it needs to be, but I don’t labour that point with other partners and make them feel less. | |||
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"I don't enforce any hierarchy, however my nesting partner is my highest priority, because we share a family and a home and more of a history together, and that deepens my feelings for them, whilst not necessary making me love them "more" than others. Love is love, I don't believe there are different degrees, but there are different contexts. I like thinking of my relationships like a jigsaw puzzle - they all have different elements that fit together perfectly. What I don't necessary get from my relationship with my nesting partner, I get from someone else. " Totally agree with this. I love the idea that several people can give 1 person the different elements that they require in a relationship. And having experienced this to some extent as a couple, both getting happiness in different ways from different people and also having a stronger bond with each other as a result I'd love to think its a possibility... It would be lovely to get everything from 1 perfect person. But I'm not sure I believe that's possible. Or if it is, it's rare. | |||
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"I don't enforce any hierarchy, however my nesting partner is my highest priority, because we share a family and a home and more of a history together, and that deepens my feelings for them, whilst not necessary making me love them "more" than others. Love is love, I don't believe there are different degrees, but there are different contexts. I like thinking of my relationships like a jigsaw puzzle - they all have different elements that fit together perfectly. What I don't necessary get from my relationship with my nesting partner, I get from someone else. Totally agree with this. I love the idea that several people can give 1 person the different elements that they require in a relationship. And having experienced this to some extent as a couple, both getting happiness in different ways from different people and also having a stronger bond with each other as a result I'd love to think its a possibility... It would be lovely to get everything from 1 perfect person. But I'm not sure I believe that's possible. Or if it is, it's rare. " Trying to get everything from just one person puts too much pressure on a relationship...but then I would say that, I'm poly  | |||
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" Nesting partners who you parent with create what some have called an unavoidable hierarchy. I don’t like hierarchy but I do have a nesting partner, the mother of my daughter, " I can't post the link because of the forum rules, but here's a quote from an article ref using the term hierarchy to describe that sort of situation: "If nobody is being disempowered then it's not hierarchy. Everyone has different priorities. Everyone. EVERYONE. I am not in a hierarchy with my boss or my pets even though I have pre-negotiated obligations with them and I will meet those obligations even if a relationship has to come in "second" in order to do it. Those obligations and responsibilities exist in monogamous relationships and in single people's lives too. They are not hierarchy. If I make an agreement to my boss that I will show up for all my scheduled shifts, and my partner has a bad day and "needs" me to stay home with them but I don't because I have an agreement to show up to work, that's not a hierarchy, that's being a responsible fucking adult who follows through on responsibilities. My boss has no power over my relationships with my romantic partners - they don't get a say in what those relationships look like, they get a say in what my time with them looks like. My boss only has the power to determine what my relationship with my boss and with the company looks like, even though my boss is in an authoritative relationship with me. My boss is not in a hierarchical relationship over my romantic partners." | |||
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" Nesting partners who you parent with create what some have called an unavoidable hierarchy. I don’t like hierarchy but I do have a nesting partner, the mother of my daughter, I can't post the link because of the forum rules, but here's a quote from an article ref using the term hierarchy to describe that sort of situation: "If nobody is being disempowered then it's not hierarchy. Everyone has different priorities. Everyone. EVERYONE. I am not in a hierarchy with my boss or my pets even though I have pre-negotiated obligations with them and I will meet those obligations even if a relationship has to come in "second" in order to do it. Those obligations and responsibilities exist in monogamous relationships and in single people's lives too. They are not hierarchy. If I make an agreement to my boss that I will show up for all my scheduled shifts, and my partner has a bad day and "needs" me to stay home with them but I don't because I have an agreement to show up to work, that's not a hierarchy, that's being a responsible fucking adult who follows through on responsibilities. My boss has no power over my relationships with my romantic partners - they don't get a say in what those relationships look like, they get a say in what my time with them looks like. My boss only has the power to determine what my relationship with my boss and with the company looks like, even though my boss is in an authoritative relationship with me. My boss is not in a hierarchical relationship over my romantic partners."" I kinda disagree with this, there are priorities at play here which would denote a hierarchy. I’m not saying that nesting and having kids is inherently hierarchical but it’s more difficult for it not to be. I find using work as an example is completely flawed. Saying that something demands all of your time but isn’t hierarchy feels kind of contradictory Using | |||
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I don’t work 9-5 so probably have more free time than many for this lifestyle, but I try to limit FWB, FB other relationship types and new people to once a week.
I think having family, adult daughters, and a range of friends not in the lifestyle is important and that you don’t become defined by your sexual lifestyle. Sex is fantastic but it’s just sex, there is so many more adventures to have in life.
I don’t think I could quantify how much I love someone and compare it to somebody else. Love is just a state of being where your souls connect and it grows. I don’t think it can be measured, sacrificial love is something else reserved for children!
I love them all for different reasons the lovers and they’re just friends and men and the women. For their values like integrity, authenticity, transparency & generosity, for what they do for me and for how they make me feel when I’m just in their presence. They are also different.
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