FabSwingers.com forum: Advice from those who are divorced

By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where they hid the money

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By *vaRoseWoman
over a year ago

Ankh-Morpork

Make sure you have a fully laid out financial separation agreement

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

"Make sure you have a fully laid out financial separation agreement"

Did you use a divorce solicitor for that?

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By *iveMinutesAloneCouple
over a year ago

Halesowen

"Make sure you have a fully laid out financial separation agreement"
This x 100

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Try and be adults and deal with as much as you can in advance of any solicitors and court involvement

Other than taking a lot of time, a huge financial cost if you have kids it just lengthens an already not great time

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By *coobyBoobyDooWoman
over a year ago

Markfield

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all. "

You can do it yourself online if you’ve agreed everything.

Get a solicitor to check it over if you’re at all concerned.

You may be entitled to a rebate on the court fees.

Get the financial separation agreement in place as well.

Sending healing thoughts x

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.

You can do it yourself online if you’ve agreed everything.

Get a solicitor to check it over if you’re at all concerned.

You may be entitled to a rebate on the court fees.

Get the financial separation agreement in place as well.

Sending healing thoughts x "

We don't agree on the financial split so are going to need financial/legal advice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Try mediation first if things are amicable. Especially if you have children. It will be cheaper than going through solicitors for all of it. You will still need to go through solicitors to complete the paperwork legally. Getting divorced is quick, it's the financial settlement that needs to be done at the same time. Get a final financial settlement so that he or she can't make a claim on anything inbtge future..I.e pensions, inheritance or any other money you come into.

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

"Try mediation first if things are amicable. Especially if you have children. It will be cheaper than going through solicitors for all of it. You will still need to go through solicitors to complete the paperwork legally. Getting divorced is quick, it's the financial settlement that needs to be done at the same time. Get a final financial settlement so that he or she can't make a claim on anything inbtge future..I.e pensions, inheritance or any other money you come into."

I think it's the financial settlement that is holding things up. As you say, it's the more complicated bit.

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By *ose-tinted GlassesMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Put everything in writing. Everything.

Even when you agree on things, when you’re amicable enough to talk them through … because one day you probably won’t be.

And think about your friends, too. How you tell them about the split, how much of the ‘inside’ story you share. Because those relationships are at risk too, in the midst of all this stress.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

I was surprised by how easy it was, but also by how long it all took.

My ex and I started to get on very well once we'd decided to divorce, as there really wasn't anything to argue over. We were both reasonable about it all. Not everyone is, which is a shame. Scorched earth tactics seldom do anyone any favours.

The only tip I can offer, is just remember that at one point you were both deeply in love.

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

"Put everything in writing. Everything.

Even when you agree on things, when you’re amicable enough to talk them through … because one day you probably won’t be.

And think about your friends, too. How you tell them about the split, how much of the ‘inside’ story you share. Because those relationships are at risk too, in the midst of all this stress."

There's no big drama about the reason for the split so I'm not sure I mind what he tells people versus what I tell people or even what our shared version of events is. I imagine the fallout will be that we both lose shared friends though

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

"I was surprised by how easy it was, but also by how long it all took.

The only tip I can offer, is just remember that at one point you were both deeply in love.

That's a great point, thank you. We were in love enough to get married in the first place. And share a home and build a family. All of it. We have definitely had our shit times but I think we are both trying to be kind to the other right now.

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By *vaRoseWoman
over a year ago

Ankh-Morpork

I think it's the financial settlement that is holding things up. As you say, it's the more complicated bit."

Ty financial settlement and separation is the hardest bit and it’s the one thing I wish I’d done differently. Definitely take legal advice here and make sure you’re protected for future too.

Another thing you may not have thought about is next of kin status. Until your are divorced he can and could be the one legally making decisions should something happen to you and you’re not in a position to decide. You can change this simply by contacting your gp and hospital and sorting out a next of kin nomination.

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

I think it's the financial settlement that is holding things up. As you say, it's the more complicated bit.

Ty financial settlement and separation is the hardest bit and it’s the one thing I wish I’d done differently. Definitely take legal advice here and make sure you’re protected for future too.

Oh god. It isn't something that I'd ever considered so thank you for bringing it up! What a scary thought. Like, I don't think we're at a point where I think he'd make a decision in that scenario that would go against my wishes but even so.

I also don't think I have any other options for next of kin either

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By *cedGemWoman
over a year ago

your dreams

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all. "

Make sure you get a full financial disclosure!

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.

Make sure you get a full financial disclosure! "

Is that just me trusting him to disclose that? For example, I have no idea how much is in his pensions or even what his current annual salary is. Would we have to bring documents with us to show evidence? But does that mean he could just not bring certain things? Idk how it works.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

How well the kids would cope.

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By *pace cowboy05Man
over a year ago

wales/london/ southwest

Going through this at the moment, make sure financial settlement is as close as it can be before engaging 3rd parties. Else you'll pay for someone to be referee to discussion. If you can't agree maybe point out the cost of doing so comes out of the shared pot and less for both.

Lots Will depend on your situation but for me I've given up a lot financially but asked for certain aspects like property to be in trust for my kids just incase her situation changes they still get an inheritance and made sure everything considered the length of time we were together but also that overtime the value in the future is factored in.

I never expected to be here, but wish I'd done a prenuptial to avoid some of this being an issue now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.

Make sure you get a full financial disclosure!

Initially when you complete Form E things like bank statements, P60s etc are required. But if you think there’s assets being hidden, you could get to a point where your solicitor applies for things like a third party disclosure order. Hiding assets is taken very seriously by courts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You have to do a full financial disclosure. I gave up the house that was fully paid off so that I kept my pensions. It meant the kids had somewhere to live with no disruption, and it will go to them eventually

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have very recently had mine finalised after being separated for 13 years.

Ours was totally amicable but definitely sort out financial agreement.

And enjoy the process, it is actually quite exciting but makes me laugh how long it can actually take.

Good luck OP xx

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Market Deeping

Check if a hitman is cheaper

(Just kidding).

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Sort it out without solicitors if you can do. Once you involve Solicitors, each will push a hard for a better settlement and it will just cost you thousands in legal fees .

Ideally you want a full clean break. If one of you have more future earning potential that might mean something like 25/75 or even higher split of assets.

You have to trust each other to disclose all savings/investments otherwise it won’t work

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By *vonne5exMan
over a year ago

Doncaster

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all. "
How long had it been going on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

His full financial situation.

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By *aughtystaffs60Couple
over a year ago

Staffordshire

It's much better if you try and be reasonable and see it from the other person's side. If there are kids involved remember it's not what they think of you when they are 14 it's when they are 40 and if you've done it right they will agree you did the right thing.

I get on fine with my Ex wife. I am very happy for her and my 2 lads have grown up fine and love us both to bits.

I am 100% sure I did the right thing.

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

"How well the kids would cope."

I wish I knew that too

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

"Going through this at the moment, make sure financial settlement is as close as it can be before engaging 3rd parties. Else you'll pay for someone to be referee to discussion. If you can't agree maybe point out the cost of doing so comes out of the shared pot and less for both.

I never expected to be here, but wish I'd done a prenuptial to avoid some of this being an issue now. "

We've had many conversations just the two of us but we, sadly, are at a stage where we need someone to referee!

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.

Make sure you get a full financial disclosure!

Thank you! That's really good to know. I wouldn't like to think he's hiding assets but even so. I feel better knowing that I can fall back on something.

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By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago

Deepest darkest Peru

Mine was pretty straightforward and did not need solicitors involvement

Never looked back

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Make sure you have a fully laid out financial separation agreement"

What other contract doesn't take into account exit strategy and obligations?

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By *coobyBoobyDooWoman
over a year ago

Markfield

"How well the kids would cope.

I wish I knew that too

I think the point is often that they do cope and very well as long as they know that both mum and dad still love and care for them but just don’t want to live with each other anymore. Try to remain impartial infront of the kids. I say this as the child of a very difficult marriage split.

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By *cgmcgMan
over a year ago

kingston

If kids are involved, try to agree a Swedish model, week on week off. Unless one of you doesn't want to be involved. Don't fight this, is much much better in the long run that the kids get a chance to love you both equally.

Share pets in the same way.

Re finances, if you disagree then the lawyers win big, and they don't care.

Don't trust your ex to behave reasonably.

Retain your own dignity throughout.. It's really important for your self worth in the long run

I speak from bitter experience.

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By *cedGemWoman
over a year ago

your dreams

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.

Make sure you get a full financial disclosure!

What they said...my ex refused to do a full financial disclosure I was told I could take him to court etc but unfortunately I didn't...I was much weaker back then,I was frightened & just wanted it all over asap 😕

He hid lots from me,I was a mug!

But please make sure you do it

A good solicitor will tell you how to go about it all...Good luck xx

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By *abba44Man
over a year ago

Broadstairs

If she`s on legal aid and you`re not never answer her solicitors letters,`cos that is a fee you will pay 4 times.Tell her from the get go that every letter she sends will be less money for her and more for the solicitor.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m going to assume that child arrangements are already agreed and sorted, and now it’s down to a property / asset split / maintenance. Note that if all children are over 18, this is a whole lot easier.

The financial settlement can be done online, and costs £56. It will be stamped by the court (not a solicitor, who needs not to be involved) and can be a full and final settlement.

You both need to be honest and upfront about your situation. Have you any reason to doubt what they are saying they have / earn? Assets, such as property, cars, boats, art, shares, company ownerships, pensions, etc all need to be declared. Anything over £500 actually…

There is a very big point to make about taking it to court. Once you step into the court arena, you’ll both be handing the decision making over to the court. That doesn’t always end well!

Using solicitors to argue things around financials will cost you both very significant amounts of money. A divorce solicitor once told me that unless the estate is worth millions, don’t go near a court. What do you estimate the total value of the entire estate to be?

Yardstick… if no kids (under 18) are involved it’s 50:50. Anything more or less needs to be justified.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

"How well the kids would cope.

I wish I knew that too

Put then at the heart of every decision you make and aim to be as amicable as possible.

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By *cgmcgMan
over a year ago

kingston

Don't forget pensions

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By *inky1yorksMan
over a year ago

kinks ville

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all. "

How expensive going through solicitors (it was 4 times higher than they quoted the divorce and the custody case was even higher) are and how much family can influence a party member / the solicitors.

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By *sWyldWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

It was a truly horrific time, however it made me very strong and was the best thing I could ever have done for us all.

Take care

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.

Make sure you get a full financial disclosure!

Thank you! That's really good to know. I wouldn't like to think he's hiding assets but even so. I feel better knowing that I can fall back on something."

It can be an unpleasant time and even the most amicable of splits can generate some awkward moments.

My ex refused to get a solicitor and as a result, completely messed up his financial information. In the end I paid for my solicitor to talk him through it 🙄

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By *edGrayCouple
over a year ago

Swindon

As amicable as you both would like it to be, sooner or later the knifes will be out.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Leeds

The financial order is the big one.

Only the solicitors and their hourly fees are the winners.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Leeds

£17000 later (just my bill) I ended up with a 50/50 split. I would have taken that before we started. My ex wife’s bill was more as she instructed a barrister.

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all. "

That some former people who claimed to love you can behave really vile. I didn't recognise my ex and didn't defend myself as much as I should have. Good luck, it's not easy.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Leeds

Oh and remember. For all the time you are separated, until you fill out the form E for the financial order, you are liable for the mounting debts of the other side.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Make sure all depts are in both names I'm left with £25000 in my name

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By *ecky and justCouple
over a year ago

Godalming

Been through two.

Second was painful.

Try mediation at all costs.

My ex was so adamant that she should get more that she blew a fortune on solicitors fees to get less than if she’d agreed in the first place.

The pot was getting smaller all the time but still the fighting continued.

Try mediation.

Financial declarations can be quite intrusive and legally all information must be disclosed.

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

Thanks everyone for the advice!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Don't forget pensions"

and wills.

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By *urry BlokeMan
over a year ago

That she was fucking someone else

That only came out after the settlement - from one of her friends, a friend who worked for me at the time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That she was having sex with another man while we were married only found out because the ex wife fell out with her sister and the ex sister in law felt she had the need to tell me

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By *enelope2UWoman
over a year ago

Doesn't matter cant block distances

Also understand the difference in Scotland Vs England.. it's vast.. look at pension sharing orders, incomes, the housing, and any gaps that you might have had due to maternity leave care roles and how that helped his income Vs gutted yours. Also look at what beneficiary's you have if he's still listed or not and if children look on their aspects as well.

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By *parkle1974Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

To be honest, mine was very amicable. All I wanted was the divorce, happy to walk away with nothing but the ex said I could have anything I wanted x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To be honest, mine was very amicable. All I wanted was the divorce, happy to walk away with nothing but the ex said I could have anything I wanted x"

What a fool for letting you walk away.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Make sure you have a fully laid out financial separation agreement"

This 100% ..

Or a Clean Break Financial Order..

Found out Last Year that my 1st Ex-wife (I know, should've learnt then) can still Claim half my Pension and if She gets ill I could be liable for Her Care/Medication Costs

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

[Removed by poster at 29/01/25 05:48:04]

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By *aughty driverMan
over a year ago

Romford

My experience of divorce werent great. Firstly it was an arranged marriage. We knew each other but there wasnt that love i guess. We were 2 different people putting up a persona to please our families. But breaking up we have 2 kids wasnt easy either. Our families feel embarrassed and our quite judgemental about this whole situation. Although over the past 2 years we are happier and are co parenting on better terms. I know my experience is completely different to what your talking about but i would just say ignore the outside noise try to be calm n solve it how you see fit.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"I’m going to assume that child arrangements are already agreed and sorted, and now it’s down to a property / asset split / maintenance. Note that if all children are over 18, this is a whole lot easier.

The financial settlement can be done online, and costs £56. It will be stamped by the court (not a solicitor, who needs not to be involved) and can be a full and final settlement.

There is a very big point to make about taking it to court. Once you step into the court arena, you’ll both be handing the decision making over to the court. That doesn’t always end well!

Yardstick… if no kids (under 18) are involved it’s 50:50. Anything more or less needs to be justified. "

I agree with everything you said, apart from the last bit 50-50.

Generally the man should give the women more than this. 75-25 or even 90-10 if you are going for a clean break.

Typically, the woman has far less earning potential after the divorce because of the career sacrifices she made looking after her husband the children and their home. It’s very normal to see marriages where the Husband hasn’t really grown up and has left the woman to do all the work while he’s off playing sports and the likes typically spending a higher amount of the joint income on himself as well.

The man can start again quite easily even in his 40s or 50s. & be mortgage free again within 5 or 10 years if he’s single. The woman just can’t do that normally, so do the right thing give her pretty much everything, unless you’re prepared to pay her a couple of thousand a month for life.

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By *eltCuteMightDelete OP Woman
over a year ago

Reading

You guys are all giving such good advice. But I’ve literally just yesterday worked out what you all meant by mediation. I’ll get there.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dont listen to your legal team. They work for you.

Find out where all the money is.

Be prepared for a slog if the other party isnt agreeable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree with the above comments OP regarding mediation

My divorce was finalised nearly 2 years ago and we used mediation, unfortunately for us it didn’t work and he wanted more than he was entitled too almost as a punishment for leaving him which he openly stated when we separated that I would pay one way or another.

Fast forward to today and I am hopefully towards the end of a settlement with a clean break as we still are sorting the house out.

Every offer he has coming back to me has constant amendments and he keeps altering the goal posts, the final one using my son as a trigger point to force sale which quite frankly I’m at a pickle with.

You just need to be strong, open minded and understand you’ll have to compromise. It’s not a nice thing to go through if children are involved.

My inbox is open if you wanted to chat OP x

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

The relief you feel after. Can't beat that feeling.

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By *0ng0 furyMan
over a year ago

Birkenhead

i used wikivorce (online service)

as long a your soon to be ex is above board with everything and willing to end it without too much fuss

i fully recommend their services. it's like a 10 minute initial process and then you just move through each stage til the end

i think it was about 300 plus court costs (which differ for each case)

whereas a solicitor i had contacted asked for 1200 + court costs

hope this helps

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By *moothstaffspeepsCouple
over a year ago

Stafford

We managed our own and it took 16 weeks, saved a fortune and stayed very amicable still are good mates

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By *007ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Never been married but from those that did and divorce all said they wish they had lived with partner for at least 2 years before getting married.

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By *alm_one4Man
over a year ago

Close To The Edge, Down Bi The River

It’ll be full of amicable conversations until money is the subject, then you better brace yourself.

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By *wingingphil69Man
over a year ago

castleford

Don’t use your children as negotiating pawns put them central to anything else

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By (user no longer on site)
35 weeks ago

It's been two months, and it hasn't been extremely easy. Antidepressants just to function with daily life, more stress and sadness, selling things like Halloween and Christmas decorations. How did you guys cope? Just reaching out for a little guidance.

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By *sWyldWoman
35 weeks ago

Edinburgh

Its really the best and most liberating thing I could have done. Despite the struggles of restarting my life with 3 very young children and no support.

It showed me how strong I was!

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By *uenevereWoman
35 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all. "

Nothing. We had an amicable divorce and did everything ourselves. We only used a solicitor for a deed to sign away my ex-husbands interest in the house.

I suppose my advice would be to try to agree everything between you. I'm aware of couples who started amicably but when solicitors got involved it got horrible and petty.

I'm sure things have changed since I got divorced 20+ years ago, but it's worth seeing if you can still do a DIY divorce, if you can agree terms. The paperwork wasn't particularly complicated.

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By *naswingdressWoman
35 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

Mine was very straightforward, but the emotional whiplash was a lot at times. I wish I'd been more prepared for that.

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By (user no longer on site)
35 weeks ago

[Removed by poster at 27/10/25 20:24:36]

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By *irty DiamondsCouple
35 weeks ago

London - South East and West

"It's been two months, and it hasn't been extremely easy. Antidepressants just to function with daily life, more stress and sadness, selling things like Halloween and Christmas decorations. How did you guys cope? Just reaching out for a little guidance."

Just a question out of curiosity; why did you feel the need to sell even the Christmas decorations..??

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
35 weeks ago

North East Scotland, mostly

Take legal advice.

That doesn’t mean you have to get into a long protracted expensive battle, but it’s always good to know your rights. Even if that’s just an hour’s consultation. Some law firms will offer a cheaper consultation fee for that kind of thing.

Mrs TMN x

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By (user no longer on site)
35 weeks ago

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.

Nothing. We had an amicable divorce and did everything ourselves. We only used a solicitor for a deed to sign away my ex-husbands interest in the house.

I suppose my advice would be to try to agree everything between you. I'm aware of couples who started amicably but when solicitors got involved it got horrible and petty.

I'm sure things have changed since I got divorced 20+ years ago, but it's worth seeing if you can still do a DIY divorce, if you can agree terms. The paperwork wasn't particularly complicated. "

Best to be civil and settle out of court

Solicitors never have your interest apart from their pockets

A close friend is currently paying £500 per/hour solicitor fee

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By *naswingdressWoman
35 weeks ago

Manchester (she/her)

"What would you have wanted to know before your divorce? I'm looking for it all.

Nothing. We had an amicable divorce and did everything ourselves. We only used a solicitor for a deed to sign away my ex-husbands interest in the house.

I suppose my advice would be to try to agree everything between you. I'm aware of couples who started amicably but when solicitors got involved it got horrible and petty.

I'm sure things have changed since I got divorced 20+ years ago, but it's worth seeing if you can still do a DIY divorce, if you can agree terms. The paperwork wasn't particularly complicated.

Best to be civil and settle out of court

Solicitors never have your interest apart from their pockets

A close friend is currently paying £500 per/hour solicitor fee"

I think it really depends on specifics. Mine was DIY, but I can easily see why that would be a bad idea.

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By *unguy2429Man
35 weeks ago

worthing

Before I got married that she was so nasty.

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By *ex_08Man
35 weeks ago

Fareham

Be aware that the process will put you against each other however amicable you are.

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By *irthandgirthMan
35 weeks ago

Camberley occasionally doncaster

1. You dont need solicitors. I downloaded the paperwork, filled it in, we both signed it and I took it in and paid for it on my credit card. If you both agree to it, cite 'adultery after separation with an unnamed corespondant' as the reason.

2. Get a clean break order. You can write into it what you want including child maintenance payments. This is worth every penny.

3. Be prepared to document *everything* even after the divorce.

4. Never bad-mouth the other parent to the kids. Ever.

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By *eautifully TwistedWoman
35 weeks ago

Bognor Regis

My divorce was incredibly easy so I'm not much help.

We had no assets together or any real money haha, no children either.

I wish you luck op but like others have said the financial bit is important, I hope it all comes together for you in the end.

Be kind to yourself, it can be an emotional process.

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