FabSwingers.com forum: Abusive parent

By *bbyBiTV OP TV/TS
4 days ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

I wonder if any other kinksters on here had an abusive parent? I have a violent alcoholic father. He always plays the victim. He is coming to the end of his life and trying to make me feel guilty for not being part of his life.

He has never said sorry.

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By *icolasHidalgoDeCorazonMan
4 days ago

St Leonards

"I wonder if any other kinksters on here had an abusive parent? I have a violent alcoholic father. He always plays the victim. He is coming to the end of his life and trying to make me feel guilty for not being part of his life.

He has never said sorry."

Very sadly for you and millions of others OP, "violent alcoholic" and "sorry" rarely inhabit the same space.

Sometimes these people have a lightbulb moment and give others the apologies yearned for, but most of the time you'll need to get beyond all that pain via your own work, and the people you invite into your circle, including counsellors and therapists.

Yearning for and having a fundamental right to those apologies won't deliver them to you.

Because the person you need them from isn't capable of doing so.

Don't put yourself through unwarranted guilt over their impending death.

Do your life instead.

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By *lowupdollTV/TS
4 days ago

Herts/Beds/Lomdon

Yes.

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By *9alMan
4 days ago

Bridgend

I had an abusive mother, she died young 50 when I was 15 so we were never able to confront or resolve our issues. I know times have changed & attitudes to childcare & discipline have changed but she was an intelligent woman & should have known better, we are all to some extent products or victims of out upbringing & just have to deal with it as best we can

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By *ell GwynnWoman
4 days ago

North Yorkshire

I've got three. One has said sorry, but the other two never will. Nicky makes some really good points. Try to let go of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), and get living in a way that helps you thrive. They're not capable of providing what you crave.

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By *emorefridaCouple
4 days ago

La la land

Letting go of the desire for them to apologise is the single best thing you can do for yourself.

They are unlikely to apologise, and you can't make them. Instead of wishing for something that isn't going to happen, spend that energy on making yourself happy

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By *2000ManMan
4 days ago

Worthing

Dad could be a bit cutting with his put downs as I grew into teenage years. I think a few of my friends had this. Maybe saw another male in his house a threat perhaps? Very strange.

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By *usty kayWoman
4 days ago

Burnham

Unfortunately you are not alone.

All 3 of my parents we abusive in very different ways (I do include complete abandonment from one as abuse).

Not 1 of them has ever acknowledged their wrong doing and I don't ever expect them to. I've chosen which one I stay in touch with, am even close to, because I understand why they are the way they are and after many years I am able to accept it knowing that the only other choice is to cut them out of my life. Thankfully there is enough good around in this situation to outweigh the bad. The other 2 can go to hell.

If at the end of their lives they wish to make amends I would love to hear their side of the story and if there is true remorse then I would consider forgiveness, more for me than them. However if they come at me with a guilt trip they may find I help the end come quicker.

I am sorry you are going through this and hope you find some peace.

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By *h3rry Bomb80Man
4 days ago

the moon

🙄

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By *ealMissShadyWoman
4 days ago

St Albans/ Welsh Borders

He has never said sorry."

You don't have to do or feel anything you don't want too. Maybe meeting him and asking questions might give you closure of some sort. You don't do it to forgive him or to ease his conscience do it to give yourself peace, you deserve that.

My Mum and Dad weren't abusive physically but were neglectful, I understand their reasons to a degree. But it's only now as a middle aged adult am I beginning to fully process it all. I can't ask questions now they are dead.

I did have 'that' conversation with Mum, she instigated it, it was honest and frank, there was regret and I understood adult life was never as as black and white as what we perceive as Children, a concept I understood at an early age

I hope you find peace and can live life with no regret

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By *ubesloverMan
4 days ago

notts

I never had the chance to understand or rectify my father's cruel actions as my mother died when I was 14 and my father was only interested in his drinking. Was violent towards me and my brothers.

Last saw him when I was 18, once, then never heard from him again.

Shame, would have loved to have had a family life, but his behaviour was unacceptable.

Got over it over the years .

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By *bbyBiTV OP TV/TS
3 days ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Thank you o much for your kind words they really have helped.

This I now realise.

I don't need reconciliation so I don't need an apology.

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By *icolasHidalgoDeCorazonMan
3 days ago

St Leonards

"Thank you o much for your kind words they really have helped.

This I now realise.

I don't need reconciliation so I don't need an apology.

See them as an unfortunate past you had no choice but to endure.

Build up your own reserves of self-appreciation, particularly if you can access counselling or therapy.

All the stuff you'll learn over the coming years will also help you discern better friendships, relationships, and self-respect too.

Your parent should have been the source of "feelgood". They weren't. So you're effectively like a baby learning to positively parent yourself today, as an adult.

No child should grow up like that, but hundreds of millions do.

You're your own caregiver, and if you can top that up with good therapy, you'll go further, faster.

And don't be attracted to them like a moth to a flame. They're probably seeking to trap you again.

Best wishes OP.

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By *bbyBiTV OP TV/TS
3 days ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

"Thank you o much for your kind words they really have helped.

This I now realise.

I don't need reconciliation so I don't need an apology.

See them as an unfortunate past you had no choice but to endure.

Build up your own reserves of self-appreciation, particularly if you can access counselling or therapy.

All the stuff you'll learn over the coming years will also help you discern better friendships, relationships, and self-respect too.

Your parent should have been the source of "feelgood". They weren't. So you're effectively like a baby learning to positively parent yourself today, as an adult.

No child should grow up like that, but hundreds of millions do.

You're your own caregiver, and if you can top that up with good therapy, you'll go further, faster.

And don't be attracted to them like a moth to a flame. They're probably seeking to trap you again.

Best wishes OP.

Thank you for your kind words. I am looking for a therapist to talk to x

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By *icolasHidalgoDeCorazonMan
3 days ago

St Leonards

"Thank you o much for your kind words they really have helped.

This I now realise.

I don't need reconciliation so I don't need an apology.

See them as an unfortunate past you had no choice but to endure.

Build up your own reserves of self-appreciation, particularly if you can access counselling or therapy.

All the stuff you'll learn over the coming years will also help you discern better friendships, relationships, and self-respect too.

Your parent should have been the source of "feelgood". They weren't. So you're effectively like a baby learning to positively parent yourself today, as an adult.

No child should grow up like that, but hundreds of millions do.

You're your own caregiver, and if you can top that up with good therapy, you'll go further, faster.

And don't be attracted to them like a moth to a flame. They're probably seeking to trap you again.

Best wishes OP.

Thank you for your kind words. I am looking for a therapist to talk to x

It's an important step.

Maybe give an update on the thread once you're settled into therapy?

If it feels good to do so.

💜

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
3 days ago

Cheshire

My father beat me up when he found out about my crossdressing. My mum walked into my bedroom whilst I was dressing up. I was a teenager at the time and couldn’t go to school for the week till the bruises healed. But this was the 70-80’s so not unusual.

He’s in a home somewhere but not seen him in years, I know my sister visits so he’s not totally alone.

My boys (I have two kids) get love and understanding from me, I want them in my life forever. I told the oldest over Christmas what all fathers want for their sons is they become better men than they are. I’m a better man than my father and hope both my boys will be better than me.

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By *oan of DArcCouple
3 days ago

Glasgow

"Letting go of the desire for them to apologise is the single best thing you can do for yourself.

They are unlikely to apologise, and you can't make them. Instead of wishing for something that isn't going to happen, spend that energy on making yourself happy "

___________________________

Good point

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By *bbyBiTV OP TV/TS
3 days ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

It's an important step.

Maybe give an update on the thread once you're settled into therapy?

If it feels good to do so.

💜 "

I have to find a therapist I feel comfortable talking about my dressing and bisexuality with. I need to understand why I love feeling a slut..

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By *oxy-RedWoman
3 days ago

pink panther territory

So sorry that you are going through this op

Abusers will always put the blame on those they have abused, owing up to what they have done sometimes just doesn't happen

Hugs

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