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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆" No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.  | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can. "People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...  | |||
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"I don't think you can force it. I guess all friendships will start off at a fairly superficial level and build from there. Do you have any hobbies you can join clubs for etc? " I have no problems meeting people and making superficial friends. I'm in networking groups and coaching circles for the business, I work in a co-working space... Loads of people I chew the fat with on a daily basis but all too busy/don't want to grab a beer or game of pool or go to a casino... | |||
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"I don't think you can force it. I guess all friendships will start off at a fairly superficial level and build from there. Do you have any hobbies you can join clubs for etc? I have no problems meeting people and making superficial friends. I'm in networking groups and coaching circles for the business, I work in a co-working space... Loads of people I chew the fat with on a daily basis but all too busy/don't want to grab a beer or game of pool or go to a casino..." Yeah, I wondered if you had any hobbies where you might find people who enjoyed the same things as you. Could you join a sports team? There's nearly always drinks after a match. My point was that most friendships start at a superficial level - going straight to a casino seems like a leap, so maybe you're setting your expectations too high! Networking groups and coaching circles don't sound like the kind of place you make friends (well, they sound like hell to me, but each to their own...) | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other... "That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me. | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...
That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me. "It was tongue in cheek... As I said, maybe I'm damaged goods and my brain isn't meant for this world (on so many levels). The point I was making was that there is a greater opportunity and willingness in older communities due to more time and mutual benefit. Both of which are less so at younger ages. People have busy lives and families so time off is limited and often prioritised for existing friends. | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...
That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me.
It was tongue in cheek... As I said, maybe I'm damaged goods and my brain isn't meant for this world (on so many levels).
The point I was making was that there is a greater opportunity and willingness in older communities due to more time and mutual benefit. Both of which are less so at younger ages. People have busy lives and families so time off is limited and often prioritised for existing friends."Ok but you seem to be starting from the point that no suggestion will work and it's because you're damaged goods. We're all damaged to an extent. You just have to keep looking for people who are on a similar wavelength and they're few and far between. | |||
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"I don't think you can force it. I guess all friendships will start off at a fairly superficial level and build from there. Do you have any hobbies you can join clubs for etc? I have no problems meeting people and making superficial friends. I'm in networking groups and coaching circles for the business, I work in a co-working space... Loads of people I chew the fat with on a daily basis but all too busy/don't want to grab a beer or game of pool or go to a casino... Yeah, I wondered if you had any hobbies where you might find people who enjoyed the same things as you. Could you join a sports team? There's nearly always drinks after a match. My point was that most friendships start at a superficial level - going straight to a casino seems like a leap, so maybe you're setting your expectations too high! Networking groups and coaching circles don't sound like the kind of place you make friends (well, they sound like hell to me, but each to their own...)" My hobbies are largely around business. I run my own company and I'm starting a new venture so enjoy being around other business owners. It's just a place for people with a common interest like a knitting circle or darts team. The poker is a hobby I'd like to get into. I enjoy playing it and there is a social element to it at many casino's. And the poker night was just an idea to get a few lads around the table, play poker, eat pizza and have a couple of beers. I did it as a part of my stag night and it was a great fun. But like I say, taking a superficial friendship to the next level just is alien to me. | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...
That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me.
It was tongue in cheek... As I said, maybe I'm damaged goods and my brain isn't meant for this world (on so many levels).
The point I was making was that there is a greater opportunity and willingness in older communities due to more time and mutual benefit. Both of which are less so at younger ages. People have busy lives and families so time off is limited and often prioritised for existing friends.
Ok but you seem to be starting from the point that no suggestion will work and it's because you're damaged goods. We're all damaged to an extent. You just have to keep looking for people who are on a similar wavelength and they're few and far between."And here was me thinking it was a discussion... I ask a question, you make a point, I add my context and explore that point, you miss my poor attempt at humour, I add some more context... I'm not dismissing. What you're saying makes sense and I'm just saying that I have tried these and other things so exploring the ideas further. | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...
That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me.
It was tongue in cheek... As I said, maybe I'm damaged goods and my brain isn't meant for this world (on so many levels).
The point I was making was that there is a greater opportunity and willingness in older communities due to more time and mutual benefit. Both of which are less so at younger ages. People have busy lives and families so time off is limited and often prioritised for existing friends.
Ok but you seem to be starting from the point that no suggestion will work and it's because you're damaged goods. We're all damaged to an extent. You just have to keep looking for people who are on a similar wavelength and they're few and far between.
And here was me thinking it was a discussion... I ask a question, you make a point, I add my context and explore that point, you miss my poor attempt at humour, I add some more context...
I'm not dismissing. What you're saying makes sense and I'm just saying that I have tried these and other things so exploring the ideas further."It *is* a discussion. I'm trying to find out more about you. | |||
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I'd say try social media groups for your Interests and hopefully you will find a likeminded mate. Good luck OP | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...
That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me.
It was tongue in cheek... As I said, maybe I'm damaged goods and my brain isn't meant for this world (on so many levels).
The point I was making was that there is a greater opportunity and willingness in older communities due to more time and mutual benefit. Both of which are less so at younger ages. People have busy lives and families so time off is limited and often prioritised for existing friends.
Ok but you seem to be starting from the point that no suggestion will work and it's because you're damaged goods. We're all damaged to an extent. You just have to keep looking for people who are on a similar wavelength and they're few and far between.
And here was me thinking it was a discussion... I ask a question, you make a point, I add my context and explore that point, you miss my poor attempt at humour, I add some more context...
I'm not dismissing. What you're saying makes sense and I'm just saying that I have tried these and other things so exploring the ideas further.
It *is* a discussion. I'm trying to find out more about you."Then ask... I'm adding context where I see I can and you said I'm dismissive of what you suggest. | |||
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"It is difficult as an adult, especially when we’re all so busy and have established friendship circles or partners have partner friends. I think it’s a lot like any relationship really, invest in it, give it time and engage when you find someone you like. If you put actual time and effort into it, then you might find people " And what does "putting time and effort in" look like? We chat to pass the time, have a laugh, show interest... But then what? I've suggested grabbing a beer or something else but nobody takes me up on it... Happy to put effort in but I can't force it. | |||
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"It is difficult as an adult, especially when we’re all so busy and have established friendship circles or partners have partner friends. I think it’s a lot like any relationship really, invest in it, give it time and engage when you find someone you like. If you put actual time and effort into it, then you might find people And what does "putting time and effort in" look like? We chat to pass the time, have a laugh, show interest... But then what? I've suggested grabbing a beer or something else but nobody takes me up on it... Happy to put effort in but I can't force it." You’re right, you can’t. You can only do so if it’s reciprocated and this is where it comes back to people having established circles and it being hard. Keep trying with people, try new interest groups or play the long game with work friends | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...
That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me.
It was tongue in cheek... As I said, maybe I'm damaged goods and my brain isn't meant for this world (on so many levels).
The point I was making was that there is a greater opportunity and willingness in older communities due to more time and mutual benefit. Both of which are less so at younger ages. People have busy lives and families so time off is limited and often prioritised for existing friends.
Ok but you seem to be starting from the point that no suggestion will work and it's because you're damaged goods. We're all damaged to an extent. You just have to keep looking for people who are on a similar wavelength and they're few and far between.
And here was me thinking it was a discussion... I ask a question, you make a point, I add my context and explore that point, you miss my poor attempt at humour, I add some more context...
I'm not dismissing. What you're saying makes sense and I'm just saying that I have tried these and other things so exploring the ideas further.
It *is* a discussion. I'm trying to find out more about you.
Then ask... I'm adding context where I see I can and you said I'm dismissive of what you suggest."Ok. What would it take for you to open up to someone on a fairly personal level. What would a situation where that would be possible for you be like and what kind of person would it need to be? I'm asking this because I think that's how you move from acquaintance to friend | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...
That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me.
It was tongue in cheek... As I said, maybe I'm damaged goods and my brain isn't meant for this world (on so many levels).
The point I was making was that there is a greater opportunity and willingness in older communities due to more time and mutual benefit. Both of which are less so at younger ages. People have busy lives and families so time off is limited and often prioritised for existing friends.
Ok but you seem to be starting from the point that no suggestion will work and it's because you're damaged goods. We're all damaged to an extent. You just have to keep looking for people who are on a similar wavelength and they're few and far between.
And here was me thinking it was a discussion... I ask a question, you make a point, I add my context and explore that point, you miss my poor attempt at humour, I add some more context...
I'm not dismissing. What you're saying makes sense and I'm just saying that I have tried these and other things so exploring the ideas further.
It *is* a discussion. I'm trying to find out more about you.
Then ask... I'm adding context where I see I can and you said I'm dismissive of what you suggest.
Ok.
What would it take for you to open up to someone on a fairly personal level. What would a situation where that would be possible for you be like and what kind of person would it need to be?
I'm asking this because I think that's how you move from acquaintance to friend"A very interesting question and my initial reaction was to state that I'm an open book... And to some extent I am. However, I know that isn't always the case. I don't know how open people want me to be. When they ask "how are you doing?" do they want "Yeah, I'm all good thanks" or do they want "I've picked my tree but not bought the rope yet"? Extremes admittedly but we're all going through the mill so a) nobody needs to hear about my bad day, and b) I want a friend, not a therapist. Let me push it back to you, if you're chatting to someone you know of and are on more than just hello terms, how open would you want them to be? Do you really want to hear that they're struggling to process their brothers suicide, hurting from their first ever broken heart at 50, lonely, unlovable, and afraid that they're more of a hinderance to their kids than the guiding hand they need because they are just getting through each day as best they can? Or would a simple, "yeah, not bad thanks" be the order of the day? Actually, this has been helpful. Maybe I've actually just realised something. Maybe I was closer to the truth with the "damaged" part than I realised... Actually, whilst I feel I need new mates I'm actually not bringing anything to the table. I think I need some time in the wilderness to heal and then I have something to offer in terms of friendship. | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...
That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me.
It was tongue in cheek... As I said, maybe I'm damaged goods and my brain isn't meant for this world (on so many levels).
The point I was making was that there is a greater opportunity and willingness in older communities due to more time and mutual benefit. Both of which are less so at younger ages. People have busy lives and families so time off is limited and often prioritised for existing friends.
Ok but you seem to be starting from the point that no suggestion will work and it's because you're damaged goods. We're all damaged to an extent. You just have to keep looking for people who are on a similar wavelength and they're few and far between.
And here was me thinking it was a discussion... I ask a question, you make a point, I add my context and explore that point, you miss my poor attempt at humour, I add some more context...
I'm not dismissing. What you're saying makes sense and I'm just saying that I have tried these and other things so exploring the ideas further.
It *is* a discussion. I'm trying to find out more about you.
Then ask... I'm adding context where I see I can and you said I'm dismissive of what you suggest.
Ok.
What would it take for you to open up to someone on a fairly personal level. What would a situation where that would be possible for you be like and what kind of person would it need to be?
I'm asking this because I think that's how you move from acquaintance to friend
A very interesting question and my initial reaction was to state that I'm an open book... And to some extent I am. However, I know that isn't always the case.
I don't know how open people want me to be.
When they ask "how are you doing?" do they want "Yeah, I'm all good thanks" or do they want "I've picked my tree but not bought the rope yet"? Extremes admittedly but we're all going through the mill so a) nobody needs to hear about my bad day, and b) I want a friend, not a therapist.
Let me push it back to you, if you're chatting to someone you know of and are on more than just hello terms, how open would you want them to be? Do you really want to hear that they're struggling to process their brothers suicide, hurting from their first ever broken heart at 50, lonely, unlovable, and afraid that they're more of a hinderance to their kids than the guiding hand they need because they are just getting through each day as best they can?
Or would a simple, "yeah, not bad thanks" be the order of the day?
Actually, this has been helpful. Maybe I've actually just realised something. Maybe I was closer to the truth with the "damaged" part than I realised... Actually, whilst I feel I need new mates I'm actually not bringing anything to the table.
I think I need some time in the wilderness to heal and then I have something to offer in terms of friendship. "Firstly if what you've written refers to you, I'm sorry that you're experiencing those things, it's very hard on you and for you. You might find that people on the forum are good at listening and talking things like this through. The anonymity helps too. If I'm on more than just hello terms with someone I do want to hear that stuff. I am honest though and will only offer support that I know I can consistently and if someone just uses me as a sounding board then doesn't bother with me I won't be available next time. I hope you find a friend. | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...
That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me.
It was tongue in cheek... As I said, maybe I'm damaged goods and my brain isn't meant for this world (on so many levels).
The point I was making was that there is a greater opportunity and willingness in older communities due to more time and mutual benefit. Both of which are less so at younger ages. People have busy lives and families so time off is limited and often prioritised for existing friends.
Ok but you seem to be starting from the point that no suggestion will work and it's because you're damaged goods. We're all damaged to an extent. You just have to keep looking for people who are on a similar wavelength and they're few and far between.
And here was me thinking it was a discussion... I ask a question, you make a point, I add my context and explore that point, you miss my poor attempt at humour, I add some more context...
I'm not dismissing. What you're saying makes sense and I'm just saying that I have tried these and other things so exploring the ideas further.
It *is* a discussion. I'm trying to find out more about you.
Then ask... I'm adding context where I see I can and you said I'm dismissive of what you suggest.
Ok.
What would it take for you to open up to someone on a fairly personal level. What would a situation where that would be possible for you be like and what kind of person would it need to be?
I'm asking this because I think that's how you move from acquaintance to friend
A very interesting question and my initial reaction was to state that I'm an open book... And to some extent I am. However, I know that isn't always the case.
I don't know how open people want me to be.
When they ask "how are you doing?" do they want "Yeah, I'm all good thanks" or do they want "I've picked my tree but not bought the rope yet"? Extremes admittedly but we're all going through the mill so a) nobody needs to hear about my bad day, and b) I want a friend, not a therapist.
Let me push it back to you, if you're chatting to someone you know of and are on more than just hello terms, how open would you want them to be? Do you really want to hear that they're struggling to process their brothers suicide, hurting from their first ever broken heart at 50, lonely, unlovable, and afraid that they're more of a hinderance to their kids than the guiding hand they need because they are just getting through each day as best they can?
Or would a simple, "yeah, not bad thanks" be the order of the day?
Actually, this has been helpful. Maybe I've actually just realised something. Maybe I was closer to the truth with the "damaged" part than I realised... Actually, whilst I feel I need new mates I'm actually not bringing anything to the table.
I think I need some time in the wilderness to heal and then I have something to offer in terms of friendship.
Firstly if what you've written refers to you, I'm sorry that you're experiencing those things, it's very hard on you and for you. You might find that people on the forum are good at listening and talking things like this through. The anonymity helps too.
If I'm on more than just hello terms with someone I do want to hear that stuff. I am honest though and will only offer support that I know I can consistently and if someone just uses me as a sounding board then doesn't bother with me I won't be available next time.
I hope you find a friend. " | |||
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"I'm not talking about from here specifically but how do adults make friends? I'm not talking about the superficial friendships that you strike up at work or with a neighbour, but genuine mates that you know you've both got each other if the shit hits the fan? I've never had a problem being likeable and connecting but they never go to the next stage. Starting to think I'm fundamentally damaged and people keep me at arms length. "I've got the same problem but weirdly enough I have 4 people I could count on well 3 . | |||
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"After COVID most of my friends stopped going out. I searched on Facebook for groups and I'm on about 5 a lot do nights out but also walking one, days out, coffee, dating etc. I'm on that many I have a very busy social life now coming at one point from a zero social life. Over time you get to see the regulars but you still always get new people then eventually you get the people who you talk to the most on WhatsApp or even join a WhatsApp group for the regulars. They is also a app called meetup were they will probably be local groups if you did a search on it. I've also joined a group slightly out of the area just to get a night out from time to time in a city rather than the same couple of towns I live in all the time and just get the train there and last one back." But are they friends or just aquaintences? | |||
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"Thanks folks... But as I don't plan on having any more kids and my kids friends parents are already mates with my ex, I guess I'm fucked! 😆 No you're not. My dad has made new friends since my mum died three years ago by going to social groups. If he can do it in his nineties I'm sure you can.
People in their 90's all need people in case they fall in the shower or similar... My older mate has made loads of new mates because they all need each other...
That's patronising towards the huge effort my dad has made. None of the friends he's made will be able to help him if he falls, he has a lifeline for that and they contact me. "Well said | |||
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