FabSwingers.com forum: How to be more assertive/confident

By *ools and the brain OP Couple
11 weeks ago

couple, us we him her.

I have come to realise that I'm a total pushover,a doormat, a softie that everyone takes advantage of.

I lack self confidence and assertiveness try to avoid confrontation at all costs.

But I really want to be a more assertive person not aggressively so but someone who isn't afraid to speak up for myself.

Any tips?

P.s

I don't want to be one of those rude people who speaks to people like crap, just more confident

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By *iker JackMan
11 weeks ago

Wolverhampton

It’s not easy but is it in general or just at work or at home and with friends as well?

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By *midnight-Woman
11 weeks ago

...

Hmm. Its about setting boundaries and then explaining to people how it feels when they cross them.

Is it home /work/family /fab where you have issues?

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By *ools and the brain OP Couple
11 weeks ago

couple, us we him her.

"It’s not easy but is it in general or just at work or at home and with friends as well?"

More so at work but home as well.

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By *ell GwynnWoman
11 weeks ago

North Yorkshire

Practice saying "no" to people. It's horrid at first, but eventually becomes easier.

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By *iker JackMan
11 weeks ago

Wolverhampton

It’s about starting small.

Being able to use the word “I” more

What I want or what I need

Also if it’s at work turning around and saying “I have all this to do please can you prioritise what you want done first”

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By *inkShyWoman
11 weeks ago

near Windsor

I was a pushover, then I realised it meant other people being happier than me most of the time, less busy than me, etc.

Now, I go by the opinion that 'No.' is a complete sentence, and I don't have to explain or elaborate if I don't want to. Stops giving people the power to convince you, or change your mind.

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By *rHotNottsMan
11 weeks ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I don’t think there’s any magic formulas or quick wins to believing in yourself. Confident people tend to have a strong personal agenda so saying no is easier because it’s about being able to say yes to the things that really matter to you

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By *lowupdollTV/TS
11 weeks ago

Herts/Beds/Lomdon

I used to be like this too OP. Taken me most of my life to learn to be more assertive.

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By *riar BelisseWoman
11 weeks ago

On Holibobs

A bit of training on how to speak to people, will help massively. There's quite a few free therapy sites, that can inform you on how to change words and construct sentences to protect you, but not offend others at the same time. It will take a lot of daily practice though, as its easy to slip back into your old habits.

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By *tephenAndHisPicklenicMan
11 weeks ago

Ends

Try asking who they’re talking to a few times. Things will correct themselves from there

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By *amie HantsWoman
11 weeks ago

Atlantis

Work out what underlying fear holds you back from speaking g your mind. Scared of losing your job? Word it appropriate for the setting. Scared they won’t like you? What do they add to your life that’s so valuable you put their needs ahead of your own. Etc

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By *histlerMan
11 weeks ago

Guildford

It depends on the situation. But one tip is to write down the points you want to make. Don’t over think the language, just write it as you’d want to say it.

That way you might feel better prepared in a situation?

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By *NormalMan01Man
11 weeks ago

Harrogate

"I have come to realise that I'm a total pushover,a doormat, a softie that everyone takes advantage of.

I lack self confidence and assertiveness try to avoid confrontation at all costs.

But I really want to be a more assertive person not aggressively so but someone who isn't afraid to speak up for myself.

Any tips?

P.s

I don't want to be one of those rude people who speaks to people like crap, just more confident "

Pull yourself together.

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By *batMan
11 weeks ago

Alicante, Spain. (Sometimes in Wales)

In the early stages of being more assertive, don’t give an immediate answer. When work asks you to do something you don’t want to do, or is outside your role. Tell them you’ll think about it.

Then when the pressure is off, plan an answer that really suits what you want to do rather than what you’re being pressured to do.

Gbat

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By *eltCuteMightDeleteWoman
11 weeks ago

Reading

I don't think it's simple at all.

I think you need to work out what has torn down your confidence up to now and work on rebuilding it specific to whatever it is that pulls down your confidence now.

I am a completely different person to who I was a few years ago. And that came with a big boost of self confidence. But really intensive therapy is how I got through it

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By *enelope2UWoman
11 weeks ago

Doesn't matter cant block distances

Start doing things by yourself without a need to explain it or try to justify the timing of it. Eat cereal at 2pm, eat breakfast at 6pm, eat a bowl of soup and a cheese toastie at 9am. Get up put washing on at 11pm. Go move your car in the driveway at 8pm

Usually people who aren't confident try to justify why their feelings or need isn't normal or justified. So start by doing something self controllable that you don't have to justify to others why you're doing it..other than because I wanted to..

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
11 weeks ago

Central

Practice breathing and relaxation, so that you can do this when needed. If relaxed, you'll probably reduce the pressure and take your time to answer and engage more confidently.

Visualisation is good, for you to visualise scenes that you expect to find a challenge. Visualise the type of interaction you'd like instead.

Small steps accumulate to bigger moves

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By *rHotNottsMan
11 weeks ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Lots of tips here!!

I think it’s important to understand why you are the way you are before you decide what to do about it.

I would start by asking yourself and those closest to you - Why do you lack assertiveness ? Have you always been like this? Has something happened to change you. And do they even agree with your self assessment ?

Then you’ll be much better informed on what is best to do next. Good luck

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By *uff_Butler85Man
11 weeks ago

Chester

"I have come to realise that I'm a total pushover,a doormat, a softie that everyone takes advantage of.

I lack self confidence and assertiveness try to avoid confrontation at all costs.

But I really want to be a more assertive person not aggressively so but someone who isn't afraid to speak up for myself.

Any tips?

P.s

I don't want to be one of those rude people who speaks to people like crap, just more confident "

It's hard.. some people have grown up having to be more assertive and self confident, just through what life has put in front of them. Others have learnt it and others have never needed to be like that.

I actually started working with a life coach about 4 years ago when I took a job at a higher level and it really helped me understand how to hold myself and be present around others who were confident and assertive.

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By *cnugatugMan
11 weeks ago

Chatham

I too was very much the same submissive shy and didn't like stepping on people's toes so to speak I mean I'm pretty much the same but I do have more confidence when it comes to not letting people use it bully me into things I found standing in the mirror looking at myself saying no 20 times kinda worked for me it made me see that if I can say no to myself then it should be easier to say no to others

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
11 weeks ago

East Sussex

Choose your battles. On my opinion it's ok to let some things go, shrug your shoulders and walk away. In situations where it's detrimental to you practice saying your piece calmly and rationally and remain that way.

Certain people will try to tear confident and assertive people down, they scare them. That's when you need to stand your ground and it's the most difficult.

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By *lim_bbcMan
11 weeks ago

barking

"I have come to realise that I'm a total pushover,a doormat, a softie that everyone takes advantage of.

I lack self confidence and assertiveness try to avoid confrontation at all costs.

But I really want to be a more assertive person not aggressively so but someone who isn't afraid to speak up for myself.

Any tips?

P.s

I don't want to be one of those rude people who speaks to people like crap, just more confident "

You need to stop being a people pleaser. To stop being a people pleaser you have to be okay with some people not liking you.

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By *tu.xMan
11 weeks ago

around

"I have come to realise that I'm a total pushover,a doormat, a softie that everyone takes advantage of.

I lack self confidence and assertiveness try to avoid confrontation at all costs.

But I really want to be a more assertive person not aggressively so but someone who isn't afraid to speak up for myself.

Any tips?

P.s

I don't want to be one of those rude people who speaks to people like crap, just more confident "
with who

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By *ildTimes.Man
11 weeks ago

Colchester/London

"Start doing things by yourself without a need to explain it or try to justify the timing of it. Eat cereal at 2pm, eat breakfast at 6pm, eat a bowl of soup and a cheese toastie at 9am. Get up put washing on at 11pm. Go move your car in the driveway at 8pm

Cereal at 2pm what a rebel...let's not go too crazy...baby steps is what I recommend

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By *andymank8Man
11 weeks ago

Reigate

I was also lacking in confidence and assertiveness until I met my current wife. I think the answer is to try to spend as much time as you can with positive people who like you and not pay too much attention to all those negative people who just drain your energy and make you feel crap about yourself.

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By *imon SayMan
11 weeks ago

Cardiff

Think more about the things you feel confident doing and praise yourself for them - take pride in what you do personally rather than worry about other peoples views. Think what you would then like to do more of rather than usual routine and set yourself small personal goals ….not huge leaps or changes …..but that can help build your confidence in small ways

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By *ildTimes.Man
11 weeks ago

Colchester/London

Stand in front of a mirror and repeat...I see Pride!, I see Power! ..I see a Bad Ass Motha..who won't take no crap off of nobody!!!

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By *inkShyWoman
11 weeks ago

near Windsor

"Stand in front of a mirror and repeat...I see Pride!, I see Power! ..I see a Bad Ass Motha..who won't take no crap off of nobody!!!"

And then..

Feel the Rhythm! Feel the Rhyme! Get on up, it's bobsled time!

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By *porty_and_NaughtyCouple
11 weeks ago

Swansea

I think a lot of what we experience when we are younger affects us as adults. There is a lot of research into why some children learn to avoid confrontation while others face it head on. I'm feel very similar to what you describe with a few differences. Being raised with an almost cult level of conservative Christian fundamentalist beliefs, even as a child I got very used to defending what I believed (or had been brainwashed to think I believed) so I have no problem expressing my opinion even if it is different to everyone else's. What I struggle to do is put my feelings on the same level. I'll happily defend a position but won't defend myself, preferring to keep the peace.

Relationship wise this led me to keep quite in a relationship that was actually hurting me because I didn't want to upset my ex wife by insisting my feelings were valid - it was easier to ignore my feelings and pretend that not only they didn't matter but I was wrong to even feel them. There's only so long this can last and it ended with a breakdown, divorce and some serious mental scars. These have made me a lot better at looking after myself in a relationship but the same mindset hasn't translated to other areas of my life.

I've reached a level where I'm happy with what and who I am, I'm aware of my weaknesses and have learnt ways to mitigate some of them and accept others. Not being confrontational and avoiding conflict is who I am and that's ok.

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By *ildTimes.Man
11 weeks ago

Colchester/London

"Stand in front of a mirror and repeat...I see Pride!, I see Power! ..I see a Bad Ass Motha..who won't take no crap off of nobody!!!

And then..

Feel the Rhythm! Feel the Rhyme! Get on up, it's bobsled time!"

Rise and shine..it's Butt whipping time!

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By *r99mr99Man
11 weeks ago

Ealing

"Stand in front of a mirror and repeat...I see Pride!, I see Power! ..I see a Bad Ass Motha..who won't take no crap off of nobody!!!

And then..

Feel the Rhythm! Feel the Rhyme! Get on up, it's bobsled time!"

Sanka,ya dead ?

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By *lex CoxMan
11 weeks ago

Porth

Even although always respecting others I used to be a pushover and have been used alot in my past. Until the worm suddenly turned and I realized that saying NO or disagreeing often caused people to look at me as if I was strange.

However I thought No! I have had enough now wether I lose friends or aquaintences. Some may like me people may not. As Judge Judy says "I don't care".

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By *runette n JayCouple
11 weeks ago

bilston

I used to be one of the shyest people you could meet!

I'll talk to anyone and everyone now, don't mind speaking my mind when needed either.

How? = I pretended to be confident... yes an act!

My dad was a Dj and stage magician, had the gift of the gab. I started working with him and had to get used to dealing with people, started of DJing at first then got into the magic. My dad taught me how to act and what to say.

Many years on on that act became me... or it was already there I guess.

If you can act it you can be it.

Fake it til you make it OP

Jay

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By *ellhungvweMan
11 weeks ago

Cheltenham

As others have said - being comfortable with saying no is the key. It’s not easy but get practice saying it when you don’t want to do something and the world will start to change for you.

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By *ister_ee_1981Man
11 weeks ago

Sunniest Exeter...

As a starting point, I found the following helpful:

"If you say yes to someone, make sure you are not saying no to yourself"

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By *inkShyWoman
11 weeks ago

near Windsor

"Stand in front of a mirror and repeat...I see Pride!, I see Power! ..I see a Bad Ass Motha..who won't take no crap off of nobody!!!

And then..

Feel the Rhythm! Feel the Rhyme! Get on up, it's bobsled time!

Rise and shine..it's Butt whipping time!

😂 Who knew Cool Runnings was all that was needed?

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By *enelope2UWoman
11 weeks ago

Doesn't matter cant block distances

Cereal at 2pm what a rebel...let's not go too crazy...baby steps is what I recommend "

Lol

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By *ildTimes.Man
11 weeks ago

Colchester/London

"Stand in front of a mirror and repeat...I see Pride!, I see Power! ..I see a Bad Ass Motha..who won't take no crap off of nobody!!!

And then..

Feel the Rhythm! Feel the Rhyme! Get on up, it's bobsled time!

Rise and shine..it's Butt whipping time!

😂 Who knew Cool Runnings was all that was needed?"

The answers to many of life's questions can be found in Cool Runnings!!

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By *electableicecreamMan
11 weeks ago

The West

If you don't know where your 'no' is, what value does your 'yes' have?

Boundaries for yourself are helpful I find and easier to start with them.

It's hard to say yes to new things and to change. But it's a goal you can hold in your heart that will germinate slowly.

Say no to small things that cause friction in your life. Say yes to your own security and happiness.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

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By (user no longer on site)
11 weeks ago

"If you don't know where your 'no' is, what value does your 'yes' have?

Boundaries for yourself are helpful I find and easier to start with them.

It's hard to say yes to new things and to change. But it's a goal you can hold in your heart that will germinate slowly.

Say no to small things that cause friction in your life. Say yes to your own security and happiness.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Some awesome advice to add to this I'd say

Slow down , I was the same till I realised years ago my times as important as anyone else's if not more , so don't be so quick to answer a "yes " because before you know it you've told 5 people you'll do something for them , take your te when replying or answering someone

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By *he AmbassadorMan
11 weeks ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

I think the trick to confidence is being at ease and totally comfortable in your own skin,,, once you master that the rest falls into place,,

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By *ansoffateMan
11 weeks ago

Sagittarius A

I'd say there's two approaches to take.

Learn assertiveness skills. Start with the behaviour to change the cognitions.

And/or

Work on your self-acceptance, assertiveness tends to come naturally then as opposed to passive or aggressive responses.

Personally, I think the former doesn't work without the latter, but that's just me.

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