FabSwingers.com forum: Guilt

By *inky_couple2020 OP Couple
4 weeks ago

North West

How do you deal with feelings of guilt when you know, rationally, that the situation causing the feelings cannot be avoided or changed?

I've recently had another massive flare of pain which, combined with ongoing hand/wrist surgery recovery, means I'm struggling at home and work and having to ask others to help me and do things for me much more.

The biggest sense of guilt is that Mr KC appears to have declined an opportunity to go abroad for a week for work, which I encouraged him to accept but he doesn't want to leave me to do things on my own for so long. It's true to say I'd probably have been completely unable to function without him this past few days but it's improving now.

I hate being reliant on others. I hate needing help (but am needing to ask, so I am). I hate being in so much pain and there's no end to it.

I feel guilty that my situation negatively impacts my family and my colleagues and I wish it would all just stop.

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By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

An element of pride came into it for me, in the beginning I couldn't ask for help until the walls came in on me. Then I hated asking and having a feeling that I'm useless but... as much as the other person grumbled under their breathe they still did it because the situation needed it. No grudges held.

That made no sense

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
4 weeks ago

East Sussex

I don't think you can avoid it really. I could spout all the platitudes in the world but you'd still feel guilty.

You find yourself in a horrible position and it's nobody's fault

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
4 weeks ago

East Sussex

"An element of pride came into it for me, in the beginning I couldn't ask for help until the walls came in on me. Then I hated asking and having a feeling that I'm useless but... as much as the other person grumbled under their breathe they still did it because the situation needed it. No grudges held.

That made no sense

It makes absolute sense to me

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By *lowupdollTV/TS
4 weeks ago

Herts

If someone I loved needed me for a week there is nothing in heaven and earth that would have me elsewhere. If they felt guilty about it I would never understand why.

Mr KC is doing what he feels is the right thing, in the right place, with the right person. Just accept that on his behalf.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
4 weeks ago

The Town by The Cross

"How do you deal with feelings of guilt when you know, rationally, that the situation causing the feelings cannot be avoided or changed?

I hate being reliant on others. I hate needing help (but am needing to ask, so I am). I hate being in so much pain and there's no end to it.

I feel guilty that my situation negatively impacts my family and my colleagues and I wish it would all just stop. "

1. Guilt is something you should feel ONLY if you have acted deliberately and with intent. You haven't. You are subject to events that are beyond your control and the guilt would not manifest if you ACCEPTED yourself as you are ( do not misinterpret the accept as you are bit )

2. Your family probably accept you as you are.

3. Your other half made a choice not to go abroad. Respect his choice.

4. This is your life style and as long as you are doing all you can to limit it's impact on your family and don't play to it then you should not feel guilt.

5. It is human to feel frustration at all you go through and the limits it puts upon you. Work to it and enjoy the dot of your life that you experience in the present.

6. Now you've felt guilty guilty guilty .... has it improved your lot or has it in fact made the burden a little heavier.... ?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
4 weeks ago

The Town by The Cross

P.S.

The answer lies in your first sentence.....

It is not the situation that hurts us ... it is our reaction to situations.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
4 weeks ago

Leeds

I can't answer I'm afraid but would like to know others answers.

I struggle with feeling guilty, mum guilt, guilt around health issues I can't do anything about etc it's an awful cycle I'd love to break.

Mrs

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By *inky_couple2020 OP Couple
4 weeks ago

North West

"P.S.

The answer lies in your first sentence.....

It is not the situation that hurts us ... it is our reaction to situations."

I feel like shite, Granny. Honestly.

I rang a care agency this morning. Not for my Dad (85), but for myself, to see how much it would cost to have a carer help me in the mornings. It's one of the most awful things I've ever done.

And the answer is, it's going to cost £140 a week for a one hour care visit each workday morning. We can ill afford that.

And listening to the Govt and public rhetoric about disability and sickness makes it feel all the worse, to be honest.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
4 weeks ago

Central

I try to accept what is supportive and given with generosity, without accumulating feelings of guilt. I'd have to assess the situation rationally, so that I remove my emotional bias from the interpretation. And repeat this process, until I let go of it. Done often enough, it's tended to result in my doing it much more quickly, so it's less laborious and drawn out. Afterall, if I know what my conclusion is ultimately going to be, I may as well reach it sooner.

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By *nightsoftheCoffeeTableCouple
4 weeks ago

Leeds

Never, you need a heart to feel guilt, all I possess is a beating black ball of goo. I really do struggle to feel sorry for people.

The mr

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By *JcuriousCouple
4 weeks ago

Derby

"If someone I loved needed me for a week there is nothing in heaven and earth that would have me elsewhere. If they felt guilty about it I would never understand why.

Mr KC is doing what he feels is the right thing, in the right place, with the right person. Just accept that on his behalf. "

This 🩷

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By *inky_couple2020 OP Couple
4 weeks ago

North West

"Never, you need a heart to feel guilt, all I possess is a beating black ball of goo. I really do struggle to feel sorry for people.

The mr "

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel guilt at my situation negatively impacting my family and their opportunities.

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By *hrista BellendWoman
4 weeks ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Can you channel those feelings into something else, Mr KC is well aware of the family situation and he is your biggest supporter. Yes maybe it would be nice to go away, but would he be worried about you all the time he was away, anyway?

I think he made the right decision, after all, you are his family, he chooses to support and he absolutely loves you to bits x

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By *insBadMan
4 weeks ago

& around

As an Irish catholic, I'm riddled with it.

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By *inky_couple2020 OP Couple
4 weeks ago

North West

"Can you channel those feelings into something else, Mr KC is well aware of the family situation and he is your biggest supporter. Yes maybe it would be nice to go away, but would he be worried about you all the time he was away, anyway?

I think he made the right decision, after all, you are his family, he chooses to support and he absolutely loves you to bits x"

It would have been a cool trip! I don't want to hold anyone back

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By *ear in the chairMan
4 weeks ago

yeah there

Mrs KC, your hubby willingly sacrificed the trip because his love and care for you is worth more than any trip. Please try and let go of any guilt because doing so doesn't feel like it returns that love. He made his choice and reconciled it as the thing he wanted to do, accept that he cared so damn much. Not something to feel guilty about but rather, blessed by the most amazing person x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
4 weeks ago

East Sussex

I think he made the right decision, after all, you are his family, he chooses to support and he absolutely loves you to bits x

It would have been a cool trip! I don't want to hold anyone back

What would you do if the shoe was on the other foot and if you'd make the same decision would you want him to feel guilty?

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By *inky_couple2020 OP Couple
4 weeks ago

North West

It's not just the trip, btw. It's the everything, every day. All the extra stuff. All the reliance.

Etc.

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By *agnar73Man
4 weeks ago

glasgow-ish

"It's not just the trip, btw. It's the everything, every day. All the extra stuff. All the reliance.

Etc. "

How do i say this, I supported my late wife a lot in terms of day to day and family things. It wasn’t obligation or a sense of duty or that, more that I was the person that knew and quite often it would be to help all of us, not just her and her condition varied and that I might have been working or tired or whatever, but better that I did it and kept it between us than someone else for her dignity and to respect our situation sort of thing.

She would say things similar to your initial post and I didn’t really know the best way to say it, but it was usually that I’d rather I did than not and I’d rather help than have her have an accident or something going wrong. I wasn’t being a martyr just doing what had to be done and that’s sort of how it is. She wasn’t being lazy or anything else, she just sometimes needed the help.

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By *indergirlWoman
4 weeks ago

somewhere, someplace

You have not a thing to feel guilty for, you did not ask to be in this situation, life dealt you a crap hand and you are doing your best to live your life everyday.

Mr KC does what he does because he loves you just as I'm sure you would do all he does for you for him if the roles were reversed. X

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