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"It’s definitely something that couples need to be conscious of when they’re inviting another guy or guys in to play. A relaxed atmosphere, bit of music, a drink and a chat to quiet the nerves and a slow start. The more relaxed your guest is the better the experience will be for everyone hopefully. Doesn’t always work though. Some guys really are all talk sadly. " I think that the talk and build up is a big part of the pressure as well though. Why do you think that some guys are all talk? | |||
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"I used to get quite a bit of anxiety around this and it took me a while to realise why it took me so long to make a move and why things didn't feel as good as they could if things went faster than I was comfortable with. I just don't get hard if I feel the nerve's, particularly in group situations. Now I know so I make time and space to relax and get comfortable and the issue has resolved itself into a much better experience all round. I'm also comfortable communicating that if it comes up." That’s a good point; communication | |||
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"It’s definitely something that couples need to be conscious of when they’re inviting another guy or guys in to play. A relaxed atmosphere, bit of music, a drink and a chat to quiet the nerves and a slow start. The more relaxed your guest is the better the experience will be for everyone hopefully. Doesn’t always work though. Some guys really are all talk sadly. " I agree with what you say except the last bit. Anyone can suffer from nerves. | |||
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Miss S x | |||
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"It’s definitely something that couples need to be conscious of when they’re inviting another guy or guys in to play. A relaxed atmosphere, bit of music, a drink and a chat to quiet the nerves and a slow start. The more relaxed your guest is the better the experience will be for everyone hopefully. Doesn’t always work though. Some guys really are all talk sadly. I think that the talk and build up is a big part of the pressure as well though. Why do you think that some guys are all talk? " Sadly after being as patient as possible with one guy that promised to give her the best time of her life (should have seen that red flag)and even giving him a second chance after it went wrong for him the first time he failed to live up to his own hype again Why big yourself up like that if you know that you might have some anxiety issues? If he’d been honest we could have found a work around but no. He had to be billy big bollox. | |||
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"I already know, that I will have issues and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It's bad enough talking to new people let alone sticking my penis in them." Don’t do it at the same time. Talk to them on one occasion, stick your penis in them another. Take the pressure off. | |||
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"I already know, that I will have issues and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It's bad enough talking to new people let alone sticking my penis in them. Don’t do it at the same time. Talk to them on one occasion, stick your penis in them another. Take the pressure off. " 🤣 I can't even. But your right of course! | |||
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"I already know, that I will have issues and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It's bad enough talking to new people let alone sticking my penis in them. Don’t do it at the same time. Talk to them on one occasion, stick your penis in them another. Take the pressure off. " You’re right, multi tasking isn’t my strong suit either 😁 | |||
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"I already know, that I will have issues and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It's bad enough talking to new people let alone sticking my penis in them. Don’t do it at the same time. Talk to them on one occasion, stick your penis in them another. Take the pressure off. You’re right, multi tasking isn’t my strong suit either 😁" I've made the right step coming here, I used to alot worse. The talking part I mean. | |||
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"It’s definitely something that couples need to be conscious of when they’re inviting another guy or guys in to play. A relaxed atmosphere, bit of music, a drink and a chat to quiet the nerves and a slow start. The more relaxed your guest is the better the experience will be for everyone hopefully. Doesn’t always work though. Some guys really are all talk sadly. I think that the talk and build up is a big part of the pressure as well though. Why do you think that some guys are all talk? Sadly after being as patient as possible with one guy that promised to give her the best time of her life (should have seen that red flag)and even giving him a second chance after it went wrong for him the first time he failed to live up to his own hype again Why big yourself up like that if you know that you might have some anxiety issues? If he’d been honest we could have found a work around but no. He had to be billy big bollox. " I think that part of this is the trap that guys fall into of feeling that they have to be as virile as and perform like a pornstar, that this is what women want and that’s what a guy simply has to deliver. Of course that’s a lot to expect and I think it takes all parties to dispel that myth | |||
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"I can definitely get in my own head about certain things and I think a lot of it stems from the fact that there are so many other guys on Fab, it almost feels like extra pressure because they chose to have sex with me. It can also happen with repeat meets more often than I'd like to admit. On that first meet, the nervous energy is there but the excitement and thrill overrides and I never give too much away so they can be pleasantly surprised and have been called a dark horse quite a few times as a result. When that second meet happens, I almost feel like I've set that bar now and have to meet that bar or even exceed it which is a frustrating way of thinking." Thank you for your candour, Joe. I’m very familiar with that feeling too. I guess this is where managing expectations comes in? How do you move through that process and pressure? | |||
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"I must admit I am one of those who put too much pressure on myself, often to the point it ruins the whole experience for both parties. Big part of it is I can’t stop comparing myself to others and it’s nothing to do with low confidence, just how I am. This results in not being sexually compatible with most, but rather with the few who can get me into the right mindset. On the other hand, I don’t expect anyone to “perform”, just be themselves." Oh Dee. It's funny how we put expectations on ourselves that we wouldn't dream of doing to someone else. Hugs 😘 | |||
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"I don’t feel any pressure to perform. You are there to have fun - why make it into something more than it is?" Well done. How do you achieve this? Is it a case of your choice of partners, a conscious rejection of fantasy fucking or something else? Have you ever experienced performance anxiety or a feeling that you’ve not met someone’s expectations or desires? | |||
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"Have suffered in the past quite badly because I had put pressure on myself. It still happens occasionally but ive learnt its when I am not in the moment and overthink a situation rather than just enjoy myself. " Overthink in what way? How do you resolve this? | |||
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"Where is the source of this pressure some of you seem to out upon yourselves? Are you referencing done external reason or is it intrinsic is your thought process about everything? " Oh i think i know. | |||
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"Where is the source of this pressure some of you seem to out upon yourselves? Are you referencing done external reason or is it intrinsic is your thought process about everything? Oh i think i know." I saw your hand shoot up. What’s your answer? | |||
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"I don't think so, but there's a remarkable difference in pleasure that I've noticed in how I physically "fit" with someone. In one relationship our bodies fitted like a near-perfect jigsaw in almost all scenarios, and the level of sensual and sexual pleasure was incredible. Another relationship was average for penetration and holding, but she was one of only a few women who've ever made me cum from oral. I thought about "why", and my conclusion was simple physiology - her mouth was a little cooler than most other mouths have been, which made my cock far happier in her mouth, and her tongue was a little smaller than most tongues, and seemed to fit around and flit upon my helmet better than others. So, pure fluke occurrences of physiology have enabled greater depths of pleasure to be reached. Logically, if the "fit" with someone isn't quite so good, it would follow that some anxiety could be created because you "want" to fit when you may not, in reality, fit quite so well together. That's especially difficult to navigate if you happen to really like them. " That’s an interesting point | |||
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"Ok folks, let’s talk about this. Not just that which is exerted externally by others but also the pressure that we put on ourselves to perform sexually. How do you feel about it? What effects does it bring and how do you manage it? Do you expect the other person to arrive and rock your world with minimal effort from yourself? Has it negatively impacted you? Let’s hear your thoughts, opinions and experiences please" Never. In. The. Field. Of... Yeah it's an issue. Unfortunately by the time it happens it's too late. But we are all humans so hopefully understanding enough... | |||
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"Where is the source of this pressure some of you seem to out upon yourselves? Are you referencing done external reason or is it intrinsic is your thought process about everything? Oh i think i know. I saw your hand shoot up. What’s your answer? " I’m thinking that porn is at least a part of it but I’ll let him respond | |||
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"We did have one guy up and leave because he couldn't get it up which was a bit weird." It's not weird though. It's surprisingly common. Just not really talked about. In here where people are peacocking and selling the most perfect version of themselves it would be unusual for someone to admit it I suppose. Sometimes the Lounge is brutal where it could be supportive. | |||
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"Where is the source of this pressure some of you seem to out upon yourselves? Are you referencing done external reason or is it intrinsic is your thought process about everything? Oh i think i know. I saw your hand shoot up. What’s your answer? I’m thinking that porn is at least a part of it but I’ll let him respond" I actually don't watch it any more, it does do nothing for me 🤣 | |||
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"I can definitely get in my own head about certain things and I think a lot of it stems from the fact that there are so many other guys on Fab, it almost feels like extra pressure because they chose to have sex with me. It can also happen with repeat meets more often than I'd like to admit. On that first meet, the nervous energy is there but the excitement and thrill overrides and I never give too much away so they can be pleasantly surprised and have been called a dark horse quite a few times as a result. When that second meet happens, I almost feel like I've set that bar now and have to meet that bar or even exceed it which is a frustrating way of thinking. Thank you for your candour, Joe. I’m very familiar with that feeling too. I guess this is where managing expectations comes in? How do you move through that process and pressure? " Unfortunately, it's something I'm still trying to figure out how to prevent. I think I do need to manage my own expectations and tell myself that I am enough and that there's a reason they want to have sex with me again and then just try and find way to recreate the feelings of that first meet while also being present in that moment. | |||
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"I don’t feel any pressure to perform. You are there to have fun - why make it into something more than it is? Well done. How do you achieve this? Is it a case of your choice of partners, a conscious rejection of fantasy fucking or something else? Have you ever experienced performance anxiety or a feeling that you’ve not met someone’s expectations or desires? " I learnt a long time ago that worrying about what other people think of me in everyday life is a _complete_ waste of time. No body is spending anytime thinking about me because everyone is too worried about what they think other people are thinking about them. That carries over into meets. If I meet a couple or a single lady I know they are very likely to be caught up in their own worries. I can make their meet enjoyable if I help them put their worries aside. It is all about their worries and not mine. My worries don’t even come into it - they are not the issue because I know my partners are now comfortable in themselves. | |||
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"I don’t feel any pressure to perform. You are there to have fun - why make it into something more than it is? Well done. How do you achieve this? Is it a case of your choice of partners, a conscious rejection of fantasy fucking or something else? Have you ever experienced performance anxiety or a feeling that you’ve not met someone’s expectations or desires? I learnt a long time ago that worrying about what other people think of me in everyday life is a _complete_ waste of time. No body is spending anytime thinking about me because everyone is too worried about what they think other people are thinking about them. That carries over into meets. If I meet a couple or a single lady I know they are very likely to be caught up in their own worries. I can make their meet enjoyable if I help them put their worries aside. It is all about their worries and not mine. My worries don’t even come into it - they are not the issue because I know my partners are now comfortable in themselves." That’s a very mindful approach. Thank you for your expansion | |||
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"We did have one guy up and leave because he couldn't get it up which was a bit weird. It's not weird though. It's surprisingly common. Just not really talked about. In here where people are peacocking and selling the most perfect version of themselves it would be unusual for someone to admit it I suppose. Sometimes the Lounge is brutal where it could be supportive. " It is very common. I was at a group meet last week and two of the guys walked out because they got overwhelmed. | |||
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"I can definitely get in my own head about certain things and I think a lot of it stems from the fact that there are so many other guys on Fab, it almost feels like extra pressure because they chose to have sex with me. It can also happen with repeat meets more often than I'd like to admit. On that first meet, the nervous energy is there but the excitement and thrill overrides and I never give too much away so they can be pleasantly surprised and have been called a dark horse quite a few times as a result. When that second meet happens, I almost feel like I've set that bar now and have to meet that bar or even exceed it which is a frustrating way of thinking. Thank you for your candour, Joe. I’m very familiar with that feeling too. I guess this is where managing expectations comes in? How do you move through that process and pressure? Unfortunately, it's something I'm still trying to figure out how to prevent. I think I do need to manage my own expectations and tell myself that I am enough and that there's a reason they want to have sex with me again and then just try and find way to recreate the feelings of that first meet while also being present in that moment." I understand how that would be an approach that could work. I think that in those situations I’ve communicated that the next time it can be different, if the person enjoys your company (not just sexually) then this has been something to lean into. Rather than going for a carbon copy, recognise that things have shifted and shift with them. I think part of the pressure that we feel is that belief or expectation that we’re purely sexual beings and that’s never the case | |||
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 it just goes on. Much easier to stay at home with Netflix  | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important." As in all things, there are some with 10 years of experience and some with one year of experience repeated 10 times. It’s all a little abstract and meaningless. | |||
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"Happens to David quite regular. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. Pisses him off as he has no problems with me but he puts way to much pressure on himself with others x" What kind of pressure? | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important." Being really blunt: my advice would be that you should have less social time and more fucking time - that’s the only way you will get past the “lack of experience” thing. Get to a greedy girl night or some thing similar and just “practice” - you soon find what works for you and what doesn’t. | |||
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"Yeah i put a lot of pressure on myself, worried that I'll be disappointing to the other party... and so I can get overwhelmed quite easily - think startled deer in the headlights!! As the meet progresses I'm constantly thinking oh have i done that too long, does it need more variety, should I make more /less noise, does my bum look big, do i taste ok, are they supposed to taste like that, why do they want to do that it just goes on. Much easier to stay at home with Netflix "It’s good to hear your perspective. Have you found a way to get past that? | |||
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"Where is the source of this pressure some of you seem to out upon yourselves? Are you referencing done external reason or is it intrinsic is your thought process about everything? " People don't necessarily put themselves under pressure in the same way that people don't give themselves anxiety. There are often underlying causes that might not be understood at all. For example, I don't suffer from performance anxiety at all. What happens to me is based on sensory overload. For me a sensory overload state is the opposite of arousal. In that state I don't get hard. The first few times it happened I was embarrassed and felt guilt and shame and I was worried. I was reassured by my partner and in time it passed because we got to know next other and I stopped feeling the nerves. I didn't know I had a sensory processing condition at the time. I was 40 when I was diagnosed. I used to think I just didn't get hard when I met a woman the first time (or few times) and I would communicate that and never had a problem and it would pass I even thought I was demi sexual for a while. Now I know what's going I can control my environment and the conditions which lead to the best possible outcome for everyone and I don't have any issues getting hard. And I don't worry about what my dick is doing at all because none of my partners really care. | |||
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"Where is the source of this pressure some of you seem to out upon yourselves? Are you referencing done external reason or is it intrinsic is your thought process about everything? People don't necessarily put themselves under pressure in the same way that people don't give themselves anxiety. There are often underlying causes that might not be understood at all. For example, I don't suffer from performance anxiety at all. What happens to me is based on sensory overload. For me a sensory overload state is the opposite of arousal. In that state I don't get hard. The first few times it happened I was embarrassed and felt guilt and shame and I was worried. I was reassured by my partner and in time it passed because we got to know next other and I stopped feeling the nerves. I didn't know I had a sensory processing condition at the time. I was 40 when I was diagnosed. I used to think I just didn't get hard when I met a woman the first time (or few times) and I would communicate that and never had a problem and it would pass I even thought I was demi sexual for a while. Now I know what's going I can control my environment and the conditions which lead to the best possible outcome for everyone and I don't have any issues getting hard. And I don't worry about what my dick is doing at all because none of my partners really care." I’ve never heard of sensory overload. Something new for me to learn about thank you. | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important." Thank you. I think that your openness is extremely brave and refreshing. Especially in comparison to some of the humble bragging that can be seen on the forums at times | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important. Thank you. I think that your openness is extremely brave and refreshing. Especially in comparison to some of the humble bragging that can be seen on the forums at times" I wasn't going to, but i realised I'm quite comfortable here now. With people who won't judge me based on that. | |||
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"Where is the source of this pressure some of you seem to out upon yourselves? Are you referencing done external reason or is it intrinsic is your thought process about everything? People don't necessarily put themselves under pressure in the same way that people don't give themselves anxiety. There are often underlying causes that might not be understood at all. For example, I don't suffer from performance anxiety at all. What happens to me is based on sensory overload. For me a sensory overload state is the opposite of arousal. In that state I don't get hard. The first few times it happened I was embarrassed and felt guilt and shame and I was worried. I was reassured by my partner and in time it passed because we got to know next other and I stopped feeling the nerves. I didn't know I had a sensory processing condition at the time. I was 40 when I was diagnosed. I used to think I just didn't get hard when I met a woman the first time (or few times) and I would communicate that and never had a problem and it would pass I even thought I was demi sexual for a while. Now I know what's going I can control my environment and the conditions which lead to the best possible outcome for everyone and I don't have any issues getting hard. And I don't worry about what my dick is doing at all because none of my partners really care." That’s great that you have got to that point. I kinda disagree with you about performance pressure though as it can come from multiple sources and can be managed. Not entirely but definitely mitigated. I’m speaking from personal experience here | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important. Being really blunt: my advice would be that you should have less social time and more fucking time - that’s the only way you will get past the “lack of experience” thing. Get to a greedy girl night or some thing similar and just “practice” - you soon find what works for you and what doesn’t." I'm not sure how to respond to this I'll be honest. Not you, I'm sure maybe there's some truth to this. Maybe I'm tired. | |||
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" And I don't worry about what my dick is doing at all because none of my partners really care. That’s great that you have got to that point. I kinda disagree with you about performance pressure though as it can come from multiple sources and can be managed. Not entirely but definitely mitigated. I’m speaking from personal experience here" I think we are on the same page. I shared my experience to show that the source of the pressure can be identified and dealt with. And what might be interpreted as performance anxiety, because that's the popular term, might be something else entirely. Every case is going to be totally unique though of course and every guy who experiences it should be encouraged to explore what might be causing it with a GP or counselor if no obvious cause/solution presents. In my case I had to put two and two together and it took a while | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important. Being really blunt: my advice would be that you should have less social time and more fucking time - that’s the only way you will get past the “lack of experience” thing. Get to a greedy girl night or some thing similar and just “practice” - you soon find what works for you and what doesn’t. I'm not sure how to respond to this I'll be honest. Not you, I'm sure maybe there's some truth to this. Maybe I'm tired." I meant it with good intent. I did ponder deleting it after I had written it but decided not to. | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important. Being really blunt: my advice would be that you should have less social time and more fucking time - that’s the only way you will get past the “lack of experience” thing. Get to a greedy girl night or some thing similar and just “practice” - you soon find what works for you and what doesn’t. I'm not sure how to respond to this I'll be honest. Not you, I'm sure maybe there's some truth to this. Maybe I'm tired." I wouldn't necessarily agree that being nervous and inexperienced is going to be helped by a club experience. Especially a greedy girls night. Only you can know to be fair. But if Netflix and chill is more your speed don't be afraid to seek that out. | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important. Being really blunt: my advice would be that you should have less social time and more fucking time - that’s the only way you will get past the “lack of experience” thing. Get to a greedy girl night or some thing similar and just “practice” - you soon find what works for you and what doesn’t. I'm not sure how to respond to this I'll be honest. Not you, I'm sure maybe there's some truth to this. Maybe I'm tired. I wouldn't necessarily agree that being nervous and inexperienced is going to be helped by a club experience. Especially a greedy girls night. Only you can know to be fair. But if Netflix and chill is more your speed don't be afraid to seek that out." Honeslty, I'd much rather do that especially with someone I trust. Not saying I wouldn't attend a club, in the future though. Just right I'm trying to take it slow, lest my anxiety creeps up me. | |||
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" And I don't worry about what my dick is doing at all because none of my partners really care. That’s great that you have got to that point. I kinda disagree with you about performance pressure though as it can come from multiple sources and can be managed. Not entirely but definitely mitigated. I’m speaking from personal experience here I think we are on the same page. I shared my experience to show that the source of the pressure can be identified and dealt with. And what might be interpreted as performance anxiety, because that's the popular term, might be something else entirely. Every case is going to be totally unique though of course and every guy who experiences it should be encouraged to explore what might be causing it with a GP or counselor if no obvious cause/solution presents. In my case I had to put two and two together and it took a while " I completely agree. I guess that’s partially why I started this thread; to share experiences and to get this type of thing into the open. It seems to be a very common experience | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important. Being really blunt: my advice would be that you should have less social time and more fucking time - that’s the only way you will get past the “lack of experience” thing. Get to a greedy girl night or some thing similar and just “practice” - you soon find what works for you and what doesn’t. I'm not sure how to respond to this I'll be honest. Not you, I'm sure maybe there's some truth to this. Maybe I'm tired. I meant it with good intent. I did ponder deleting it after I had written it but decided not to." You didn't say anything wrong! I'm tired and I struggle to respond to certain things. I will find my way. In the future though i will definitely be heading to clubs! | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important. Being really blunt: my advice would be that you should have less social time and more fucking time - that’s the only way you will get past the “lack of experience” thing. Get to a greedy girl night or some thing similar and just “practice” - you soon find what works for you and what doesn’t. I'm not sure how to respond to this I'll be honest. Not you, I'm sure maybe there's some truth to this. Maybe I'm tired. I meant it with good intent. I did ponder deleting it after I had written it but decided not to. You didn't say anything wrong! I'm tired and I struggle to respond to certain things. I will find my way. In the future though i will definitely be heading to clubs!"  | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important. Being really blunt: my advice would be that you should have less social time and more fucking time - that’s the only way you will get past the “lack of experience” thing. Get to a greedy girl night or some thing similar and just “practice” - you soon find what works for you and what doesn’t. I'm not sure how to respond to this I'll be honest. Not you, I'm sure maybe there's some truth to this. Maybe I'm tired. I meant it with good intent. I did ponder deleting it after I had written it but decided not to. You didn't say anything wrong! I'm tired and I struggle to respond to certain things. I will find my way. In the future though i will definitely be heading to clubs!" I think that it’s important to remember that there’s no right or wrong way to manage or mitigate this. It’s just a case of what works for you. Clubs aren’t for everyone, group meets aren’t for everyone, Netflix and chill isn’t for everyone. There’s no one size fits all | |||
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"Ahh shit fine, I know for fact ill be nervous. Due to the simple fact I havnt really got any sexual experience. It will get better over time, but it doesn't help things I guess. Hence why for me socials are pretty important. Being really blunt: my advice would be that you should have less social time and more fucking time - that’s the only way you will get past the “lack of experience” thing. Get to a greedy girl night or some thing similar and just “practice” - you soon find what works for you and what doesn’t. I'm not sure how to respond to this I'll be honest. Not you, I'm sure maybe there's some truth to this. Maybe I'm tired. I meant it with good intent. I did ponder deleting it after I had written it but decided not to. You didn't say anything wrong! I'm tired and I struggle to respond to certain things. I will find my way. In the future though i will definitely be heading to clubs! I think that it’s important to remember that there’s no right or wrong way to manage or mitigate this. It’s just a case of what works for you. Clubs aren’t for everyone, group meets aren’t for everyone, Netflix and chill isn’t for everyone. There’s no one size fits all" that is also true, well im always happy try anything atleast once! | |||
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"I had this once when I got the chance to have sex with a girl I'd always wanted to see. I'd heard she was apparently "very skilled" in the bedroom and I had the impression if I did get the chance to have sex with her it'd be a one chance, make it count sort of thing. I got myself overly worked up beforehand, trying to A calm the nerves and B not get overly excited so I didn't bust my load within a minute. Getting inside your own head is one of the worst things you can do and it took me a while to get myself back out of it. Once she came around, it was slightly awkward even though we'd known each other for years - we were there for one primary purpose. Self doubt hit again as we stripped - even though I was in better physical shape then than I am now nothing has changed down below and I knew she'd been with a couple of guys with seriously impressive sized cocks. While there's nothing I can do to change what I've got, it was the self doubt of "she'll see it's not massive, she's been with bigger, she'll laugh". The sex itself wasn't as good as I'd built it up to be in my head - I'd always had the hours long, full of orgasms, everything goes type scenario whereas in practice it was maybe 30 minutes if that and foreplay took half of that time. Whilst I was happy I didn't come quickly, I also had self doubt I didn't give her a good time (she messaged later and said she enjoyed it,but still). " Thank you for sharing your story. How do you think you would change this experience if you had your time again? | |||
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"I think there's generally more pressure on the man than the woman so can't say I've ever felt that way. I don't expect anything, especially with a first meet.. to have high expectations for someone you don't know yet is wild. I wish men would relax a bit sometimes and just go with the moment. Maybe the only time I feel pressure to perform is on the second time. If the first time was absolute fire, I feel there's an expectation for the second one to match it." Picking up on your first point, why do you feel that there’s more pressure on men than women? | |||
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"I blame Prince, 23 positions in a one night stand? Nobody needs that kind of pressure. I'll be lucky to to 2 before my back goes or I get cramp." Niche reference and now I feel old 😂 | |||
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"I blame Prince, 23 positions in a one night stand? Nobody needs that kind of pressure. I'll be lucky to to 2 before my back goes or I get cramp." Just do the two and then Get Off. | |||
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"I blame Prince, 23 positions in a one night stand? Nobody needs that kind of pressure. I'll be lucky to to 2 before my back goes or I get cramp. Niche reference and now I feel old 😂" Sign o the times. | |||
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"I'd just like to comment how honest and truly illuminating this discussion is. It's been a pleasure to read it. It's a real example of how good the forum can be on occasions. And such a marked contrast to some of the flippant and boastful contributions we see here sometimes" Definitely, its not the positivity i was expecting before i joined fab | |||
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"I'd just like to comment how honest and truly illuminating this discussion is. It's been a pleasure to read it. It's a real example of how good the forum can be on occasions. And such a marked contrast to some of the flippant and boastful contributions we see here sometimes" I agree. Those kind of threads only push the narrative that people have to be or should be a certain way | |||
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"I think there's generally more pressure on the man than the woman so can't say I've ever felt that way. I don't expect anything, especially with a first meet.. to have high expectations for someone you don't know yet is wild. I wish men would relax a bit sometimes and just go with the moment. Maybe the only time I feel pressure to perform is on the second time. If the first time was absolute fire, I feel there's an expectation for the second one to match it. Picking up on your first point, why do you feel that there’s more pressure on men than women? " Maybe porn, society, alpha male nonsense.. there seems to be a narrative that a man is only a man if he knows how to please a woman and women are shown unrealistic cocks, orgasms and scenarios that don't reflect real life. Some men feel they will be judged if they don't live up to this and carry performance anxiety as a result. | |||
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"I think there's generally more pressure on the man than the woman so can't say I've ever felt that way. I don't expect anything, especially with a first meet.. to have high expectations for someone you don't know yet is wild. I wish men would relax a bit sometimes and just go with the moment. Maybe the only time I feel pressure to perform is on the second time. If the first time was absolute fire, I feel there's an expectation for the second one to match it. Picking up on your first point, why do you feel that there’s more pressure on men than women? Maybe porn, society, alpha male nonsense.. there seems to be a narrative that a man is only a man if he knows how to please a woman and women are shown unrealistic cocks, orgasms and scenarios that don't reflect real life. Some men feel they will be judged if they don't live up to this and carry performance anxiety as a result." I completely agree with this | |||
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"I think there's generally more pressure on the man than the woman so can't say I've ever felt that way. I don't expect anything, especially with a first meet.. to have high expectations for someone you don't know yet is wild. I wish men would relax a bit sometimes and just go with the moment. Maybe the only time I feel pressure to perform is on the second time. If the first time was absolute fire, I feel there's an expectation for the second one to match it. Picking up on your first point, why do you feel that there’s more pressure on men than women? Maybe porn, society, alpha male nonsense.. there seems to be a narrative that a man is only a man if he knows how to please a woman and women are shown unrealistic cocks, orgasms and scenarios that don't reflect real life. Some men feel they will be judged if they don't live up to this and carry performance anxiety as a result. I completely agree with this " I will add that it’s not just guys that experience this kind of feeling, as evidenced on this thread and in my personal experiences too. I think that Dee, Nell, Meli and others have been quite articulate about it. That’s not to detract from your very valid comments though | |||
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"I think there's generally more pressure on the man than the woman so can't say I've ever felt that way. ...... Maybe porn, society, alpha male nonsense.. there seems to be a narrative that a man is only a man if he knows how to please a woman and women are shown unrealistic cocks, orgasms and scenarios that don't reflect real life. Some men feel they will be judged if they don't live up to this and carry performance anxiety as a result." For me personally, I think the kind of external pressure I see for men is different to the pressure I perceive for me, viewed as a woman. Sure there's this (false) idea that men should do XYZ in ABC way for such and such length of time... but for me I find the pressure is for me to respond to the above setlist of tricks in a specific and particular way. And that way is not what feels natural, or fun, for me during sex. It's definitely led to club setting type situations where a guy has doubted or questioned my response - ie I'm not performing my pleasure "correctly". It's, tbh, a little tiresome. It's not the only reason, but it is a significant part of why I tend to fuck regular friends rather than randoms in clubs. If I'm going to get off, I need to be me, judgment free from the other party/ies, not expected to stick to a script of expectations. | |||
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"My message was in answer to Meli" 👍 If you use ‘reply + quote’ then we can see who you’re responding to | |||
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"My message was in answer to Meli 👍 If you use ‘reply + quote’ then we can see who you’re responding to" Thank you. | |||
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"I had this once when I got the chance to have sex with a girl I'd always wanted to see. I'd heard she was apparently "very skilled" in the bedroom and I had the impression if I did get the chance to have sex with her it'd be a one chance, make it count sort of thing. I got myself overly worked up beforehand, trying to A calm the nerves and B not get overly excited so I didn't bust my load within a minute. Getting inside your own head is one of the worst things you can do and it took me a while to get myself back out of it. Once she came around, it was slightly awkward even though we'd known each other for years - we were there for one primary purpose. Self doubt hit again as we stripped - even though I was in better physical shape then than I am now nothing has changed down below and I knew she'd been with a couple of guys with seriously impressive sized cocks. While there's nothing I can do to change what I've got, it was the self doubt of "she'll see it's not massive, she's been with bigger, she'll laugh". The sex itself wasn't as good as I'd built it up to be in my head - I'd always had the hours long, full of orgasms, everything goes type scenario whereas in practice it was maybe 30 minutes if that and foreplay took half of that time. Whilst I was happy I didn't come quickly, I also had self doubt I didn't give her a good time (she messaged later and said she enjoyed it,but still). Thank you for sharing your story. How do you think you would change this experience if you had your time again? " If it was with the same girl, I doubt I'd have any problems as she's "been there, seen it" sort of thing and I guess I know what to expect. If it's someone new, I think I'll always have a bit of self doubt however I've got what I've got, and if they've got to a position they'd like to have sex with me then I must have some redeeming features or it wouldn't have made it to that stage. | |||
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"Picking up on your first point, why do you feel that there’s more pressure on men than women? Maybe porn, society, alpha male nonsense.. there seems to be a narrative that a man is only a man if he knows how to please a woman and women are shown unrealistic cocks, orgasms and scenarios that don't reflect real life. Some men feel they will be judged if they don't live up to this and carry performance anxiety as a result." I completely agree with your reasoning but I don't think it's more pressure, just different pressure. I've been in group settings where other women are very responsive and have come a lot faster than I can, they are a lot more vocal than I am. And it has left me questioning in the moment why my partners want to be with me when they can be with someone who does sex better than me. Afterwards I've realised I'm being a dick but in that moment the pressure is real. | |||
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"Picking up on your first point, why do you feel that there’s more pressure on men than women? Maybe porn, society, alpha male nonsense.. there seems to be a narrative that a man is only a man if he knows how to please a woman and women are shown unrealistic cocks, orgasms and scenarios that don't reflect real life. Some men feel they will be judged if they don't live up to this and carry performance anxiety as a result. I completely agree with your reasoning but I don't think it's more pressure, just different pressure. I've been in group settings where other women are very responsive and have come a lot faster than I can, they are a lot more vocal than I am. And it has left me questioning in the moment why my partners want to be with me when they can be with someone who does sex better than me. Afterwards I've realised I'm being a dick but in that moment the pressure is real. " Do you feel that responsiveness, cumming a lot and being vocal is something that people want? | |||
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"I've been in group settings where other women are very responsive and have come a lot faster than I can, they are a lot more vocal than I am. And it has left me questioning in the moment why my partners want to be with me when they can be with someone who does sex better than me. Afterwards I've realised I'm being a dick but in that moment the pressure is real. Do you feel that responsiveness, cumming a lot and being vocal is something that people want? " I've seen and heard people being fake and performative. That doesn't bother me. This wasn't faked as far as I could tell. And in honesty I did worry that I was boring and hard work in comparison 😂 I don't think I'm unresponsive, that was maybe the wrong word. | |||
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"I've been in group settings where other women are very responsive and have come a lot faster than I can, they are a lot more vocal than I am. And it has left me questioning in the moment why my partners want to be with me when they can be with someone who does sex better than me. Afterwards I've realised I'm being a dick but in that moment the pressure is real. Do you feel that responsiveness, cumming a lot and being vocal is something that people want? I've seen and heard people being fake and performative. That doesn't bother me. This wasn't faked as far as I could tell. And in honesty I did worry that I was boring and hard work in comparison 😂 I don't think I'm unresponsive, that was maybe the wrong word. " This was me. Forgot I'd swapped accounts. 😂🤦♀️ | |||
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"It’s definitely something that couples need to be conscious of when they’re inviting another guy or guys in to play. A relaxed atmosphere, bit of music, a drink and a chat to quiet the nerves and a slow start. The more relaxed your guest is the better the experience will be for everyone hopefully. Doesn’t always work though. Some guys really are all talk sadly. " Totally agree with that. | |||
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" I met with someone who seemed to have put me on some sort of sexual pedestal… " I think this is the problem , you see women on here like goddesses , they have this ‘persona’ carefully shot images that make them look like porn stars and a sexual prize , everyone worships them and they have selected you for the act ! You can forget they’re actually just regular people so can sometimes create expectations like I have to be as good as all their other lovers or they will be disappointed and I’ll be inadequate. It’s happened a couple of times with me how it plays out - a little bit nervous thinking more about the sex and the performance than the person , trying to impress. | |||
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"I've been in group settings where other women are very responsive and have come a lot faster than I can, they are a lot more vocal than I am. And it has left me questioning in the moment why my partners want to be with me when they can be with someone who does sex better than me. Afterwards I've realised I'm being a dick but in that moment the pressure is real. Do you feel that responsiveness, cumming a lot and being vocal is something that people want? I've seen and heard people being fake and performative. That doesn't bother me. This wasn't faked as far as I could tell. And in honesty I did worry that I was boring and hard work in comparison 😂 I don't think I'm unresponsive, that was maybe the wrong word. " I wasn’t attempting to attack you or make you uncomfortable with my question. I think that the belief of what other people want, as opposed to asking them about what they want is a key part of performance anxiety. Rather than telling ourselves what we think partners want, is it so difficult to ask or state that we’re feeling a level of anxiety or pressure? | |||
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"I don’t feel any pressure to perform. You are there to have fun - why make it into something more than it is? Well done. How do you achieve this? Is it a case of your choice of partners, a conscious rejection of fantasy fucking or something else? Have you ever experienced performance anxiety or a feeling that you’ve not met someone’s expectations or desires? " Performance anxiety can come out of nowhere, new meets or with familiar friends but the worst of it is that it’s both mental and physical. Even age is an enemy. It happens to both men and women but it’s most obvious in men, forgive the crass comment but women can be a hole (and with lube, a working comfortable hole) but men can’t maintain an erection, it needs the right conditions and it’s a very visible, and then the very obvious visual and physical loss of form and function can be subject to further mental snowballing… The ability to relax, mentally recover and get hard again depends on the environment and the intimate partner(s). Empathetic souls can ease the mental anguish, switch to some oral, take a subtle break, watch some porn even. The anger and frustration of ‘pushing rope’ can be all too much for some men and the shame and frustration can remain for months. It’s very hard for some men(or it isn’t and that’s the kicker) | |||
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"It’s definitely something that couples need to be conscious of when they’re inviting another guy or guys in to play. A relaxed atmosphere, bit of music, a drink and a chat to quiet the nerves and a slow start. The more relaxed your guest is the better the experience will be for everyone hopefully. Doesn’t always work though. Some guys really are all talk sadly. " Love this. Couples don’t always realise that it’s daunting for a single guy. I constantly worry that I’m shit at sex. I probably am. But I give it my best shot 🤷♂️ | |||
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"I’ve started to answer this several times today and then deleted. It’s such a massive topic. I do think it comes down to assumptions and communication. I am often approached on fab by men who give me a sexual CV; they can do x, y, z and longer and harder and blah blah. I think this sets everyone up for disappointment. Sex isn’t a one size fits all (pardon the pun). If you’ve hyped yourself up as something because you think that’s what the other person wants, when inevitably it doesn’t quite work out like that you’re going to feel crappy. On the flip side, if I took some of the claims at face value and then they didn’t work out that way, I’d also be disappointed. Nobody is being well served in this scenario. If I start from the standpoint of the other person being an actual human, with foibles and insecurities and emotions and pressures and all, I tend to find it works out better. I’m not saying it always leads to banging sex - compatibility can’t be wished into existence by being a good human being - but cutting through the bullshit peacocking and actually being open and honest with each other is a great foundation on which to build. I tend to get in my own head and overthink when something has been a long time in the planning. Not so much “will I be good enough?” but more “have I over planned this?” Generally, in the moment I’m able to go with the flow and I don’t overanalyse myself afterwards. I like to replay particularly memorable scenes but not from a standpoint of doubting myself or others. I’m not sure if I’ve answered the question but I’m going to stop now. It’s been a fascinating read. Mrs TMN x" I think you’ve answered it very well and articulated a key point. The being human part is important I think and it’s harder if you’re just living in a fantasy of what might happen or what’s been promised, to be human. Maybe that’s part of the pressure and the problem? | |||
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"I never have expectations when it comes to guys and sex. Though I do sometimes, all the time, feel like I'm meant to perform a certain way after what you see on here. Usually ends up with me cancelling as i know I don't measure up. " Or maybe, they just want to meet you. That’s probably pretty scary though… | |||
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"I never have expectations when it comes to guys and sex. Though I do sometimes, all the time, feel like I'm meant to perform a certain way after what you see on here. Usually ends up with me cancelling as i know I don't measure up. Or maybe, they just want to meet you. That’s probably pretty scary though…" Most men are scared off TBF I can't help my face. | |||
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"I’ve started to answer this several times today and then deleted. It’s such a massive topic. I do think it comes down to assumptions and communication. I am often approached on fab by men who give me a sexual CV; they can do x, y, z and longer and harder and blah blah. I think this sets everyone up for disappointment. Sex isn’t a one size fits all (pardon the pun). If you’ve hyped yourself up as something because you think that’s what the other person wants, when inevitably it doesn’t quite work out like that you’re going to feel crappy. On the flip side, if I took some of the claims at face value and then they didn’t work out that way, I’d also be disappointed. Nobody is being well served in this scenario. If I start from the standpoint of the other person being an actual human, with foibles and insecurities and emotions and pressures and all, I tend to find it works out better. I’m not saying it always leads to banging sex - compatibility can’t be wished into existence by being a good human being - but cutting through the bullshit peacocking and actually being open and honest with each other is a great foundation on which to build. I tend to get in my own head and overthink when something has been a long time in the planning. Not so much “will I be good enough?” but more “have I over planned this?” Generally, in the moment I’m able to go with the flow and I don’t overanalyse myself afterwards. I like to replay particularly memorable scenes but not from a standpoint of doubting myself or others. I’m not sure if I’ve answered the question but I’m going to stop now. It’s been a fascinating read. Mrs TMN x I think you’ve answered it very well and articulated a key point. The being human part is important I think and it’s harder if you’re just living in a fantasy of what might happen or what’s been promised, to be human. Maybe that’s part of the pressure and the problem? " I think it can be, yes. I also think the nature of fab exacerbates this, with the need to present your best face (however you define that!). It’s one of the reason I enjoy this kind of thread, because you get to peek behind people’s masks. I also think we have a responsibility to be honest with others, though, about how we’re feeling. Some days I’m an insatiable bundle of horn. Other days I struggle to drag myself out of bed. Some people only want the fantasy. | |||
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"I think the innocent joy of clumsy, silly, giggle inducing, ungraceful sex has been tarnished by it's proliferation on places like here" Have we played? | |||
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"When I first started out on my sexual journey, way back in the day, I was just horny and eager to learn. I think porn, peer pressure and our own thoughts put the pressure on us to have sex how folk think folk should have sex. Too much watching 50 Shades of Grey and expecting sex to be perfect. Yes it can be, but it can also be fumbly and dissapointing. But at the very least it should be fun finding out. " I get what you mean | |||
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"Yes I do occasionally suffer from performance presure. Used to struggle to get the ex to cum that it kind of made me think it was my fault. Additionally, we had some other issues, so all in all thought I was pretty rubbish at the sex thingy. He was also the only person I'd been with ever. So the anxiety I induced in myself when I left him was huge. I still get a tad self conscious if it takes someone to cum, but I realise that is a me issue not a them issue. But I've never felt pressure from outside sources such as porn etc. " I completely understand that. I don’t cum often, that’s just how my body works and if it happens, then great, if not, I’m satisfied in other ways. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel comfortable and confident in expressing that with potential sexual partners, in letting them know and sharing that understanding but it’s paid huge dividends. Also recognising that sex isn’t about orgasms, isn’t about P in V, it’s about much more than that. It took me a long time to figure that out though and a lot of feeling that I was letting people down. I can empathise with how you felt | |||
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"This may be a bit off topic but do we loose the fun of it all? I mean in the build up to a meet obviously sexual preferences etc are discussed, but they aren’t set in stone, by this I mean all don’t have to be achieved at that time! Just meeting, enjoying one another’s company, chatting and just going with it just seems way more comfortable and hopefully feel less pressure. Sorry for the ramble. x"Not a ramble. I think that part of it leans into what a previous poster wrote, that part of the pressure is a perception of ‘one and done’, that the first time with someone is an audition rather than an experience with a person. That they *have* to perform otherwise they’ve failed | |||
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"Yes I do occasionally suffer from performance presure. Used to struggle to get the ex to cum that it kind of made me think it was my fault. Additionally, we had some other issues, so all in all thought I was pretty rubbish at the sex thingy. He was also the only person I'd been with ever. So the anxiety I induced in myself when I left him was huge. I still get a tad self conscious if it takes someone to cum, but I realise that is a me issue not a them issue. But I've never felt pressure from outside sources such as porn etc. I completely understand that. I don’t cum often, that’s just how my body works and if it happens, then great, if not, I’m satisfied in other ways. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel comfortable and confident in expressing that with potential sexual partners, in letting them know and sharing that understanding but it’s paid huge dividends. Also recognising that sex isn’t about orgasms, isn’t about P in V, it’s about much more than that. It took me a long time to figure that out though and a lot of feeling that I was letting people down. I can empathise with how you felt" I think it would have been ok, if we were able to communicate with each other about the issue. However, that wasn't the case. As with most things, good communication is the basis of all good things. I personally feel, there's a lot more pressure for men to cum versus women. And if a Man can't there has to be a reason, which isn't as prevalent for women. Should really be is the person enjoying yes? Job done | |||
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"Yes I do occasionally suffer from performance presure. Used to struggle to get the ex to cum that it kind of made me think it was my fault. Additionally, we had some other issues, so all in all thought I was pretty rubbish at the sex thingy. He was also the only person I'd been with ever. So the anxiety I induced in myself when I left him was huge. I still get a tad self conscious if it takes someone to cum, but I realise that is a me issue not a them issue. But I've never felt pressure from outside sources such as porn etc. I completely understand that. I don’t cum often, that’s just how my body works and if it happens, then great, if not, I’m satisfied in other ways. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel comfortable and confident in expressing that with potential sexual partners, in letting them know and sharing that understanding but it’s paid huge dividends. Also recognising that sex isn’t about orgasms, isn’t about P in V, it’s about much more than that. It took me a long time to figure that out though and a lot of feeling that I was letting people down. I can empathise with how you felt I think it would have been ok, if we were able to communicate with each other about the issue. However, that wasn't the case. As with most things, good communication is the basis of all good things. I personally feel, there's a lot more pressure for men to cum versus women. And if a Man can't there has to be a reason, which isn't as prevalent for women. Should really be is the person enjoying yes? Job done " Yes, yes, so much this! I’ve spoken on here before about orgasm or p in v not being the definition of “good sex”. I don’t get the impression that’s the prevailing view, though. Mrs TMN x | |||
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"Yes I do occasionally suffer from performance presure. Used to struggle to get the ex to cum that it kind of made me think it was my fault. Additionally, we had some other issues, so all in all thought I was pretty rubbish at the sex thingy. He was also the only person I'd been with ever. So the anxiety I induced in myself when I left him was huge. I still get a tad self conscious if it takes someone to cum, but I realise that is a me issue not a them issue. But I've never felt pressure from outside sources such as porn etc. I completely understand that. I don’t cum often, that’s just how my body works and if it happens, then great, if not, I’m satisfied in other ways. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel comfortable and confident in expressing that with potential sexual partners, in letting them know and sharing that understanding but it’s paid huge dividends. Also recognising that sex isn’t about orgasms, isn’t about P in V, it’s about much more than that. It took me a long time to figure that out though and a lot of feeling that I was letting people down. I can empathise with how you felt I think it would have been ok, if we were able to communicate with each other about the issue. However, that wasn't the case. As with most things, good communication is the basis of all good things. I personally feel, there's a lot more pressure for men to cum versus women. And if a Man can't there has to be a reason, which isn't as prevalent for women. Should really be is the person enjoying yes? Job done Yes, yes, so much this! I’ve spoken on here before about orgasm or p in v not being the definition of “good sex”. I don’t get the impression that’s the prevailing view, though. Mrs TMN x" Perhaps that should be the next thread | |||
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"Open, honest, communication Realising things happen and not getting hung up over it, whether that be worrying about your performance or theirs. Reassurance should be mutual along with respectful communication. There are lots of things that can happen or get in the way and it’s no big deal. Getting upset over something will only cause further issues too. If it’s a frequently encountered concern, then talk to your partners. Give everyone a heads up as that just mitigates any misunderstandings. Decent folks won’t be put off at all. As for whether I feel pressure, of course I do. I’m sure everyone does, but mostly internalised as I love to please. " I think that internalised pressure is part of what I’m (we’re) talking about here too. How does that manifest itself, if you’re ok to share? | |||
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"I prefer to play with people we have met a few times and have build a rapport with. I giggle when I’m nervous and we prefer laid back types rather than those that are full Of themselves / overly ‘look at me I’m amazing and I’m Going to smash your wife’ 😂😂" I can understand that. I think that’s part of the mitigation process | |||
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"Open, honest, communication Realising things happen and not getting hung up over it, whether that be worrying about your performance or theirs. Reassurance should be mutual along with respectful communication. There are lots of things that can happen or get in the way and it’s no big deal. Getting upset over something will only cause further issues too. If it’s a frequently encountered concern, then talk to your partners. Give everyone a heads up as that just mitigates any misunderstandings. Decent folks won’t be put off at all. As for whether I feel pressure, of course I do. I’m sure everyone does, but mostly internalised as I love to please. I think that internalised pressure is part of what I’m (we’re) talking about here too. How does that manifest itself, if you’re ok to share? " Anxiety, which can definitely distract me from my own pleasure while focussing on and seeking theirs. | |||
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