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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory. Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence. What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression. I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 " 4 cats here 🤣 | |||
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"Nell I totally this. I’ve done the combining assets and homes a couple of times now once involving marriage and others not. It’s such hassle unpicking it and I can’t see myself ever doing it again but that doesn’t mean I’d never enter into another relationship. " Yep, same story here, Crimson. I'm not ready for a relationship yet after the last one ended, but if/when I am it makes me a bit sad that it'll be really hard to find someone(s) who will be content with never living together. People will see it as a relationship that's "not going anywhere", or isn't real love, that I don't love them enough. | |||
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"I think nesting polyamory is a struggle for most that attempt it. The only successful poly couples I’ve ever known, there’s been a few, have had separate living arrangements. Non-nesting. There’s a struggle to balance the day to day living arrangements of the best partner with the fun side of the poly partner. " This is good to read. I'm probably overthinking and drawing up overly negative conclusions. | |||
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory. Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence. What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression. I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 4 cats here 🤣" I just had to have my cat girl put to sleep 😭 I'm going to have at least 5! | |||
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"Oh absolutely. I tried to force myself into that living together codependent horror we're all supposed to want. It was the worst 7 years of my life. Now I live alone, apart from the mutt. I have loving relationships with people I adore and miss when they're not around. And I like that missing, that longing. It's a big part of the dynamic for me. I have my independence and freedom. I know that every moment shared with the people that matter to me is a moment wr have both chosen to spend together because we want to, not out of obligation or convenience. Solo poly is absolutely the way for me 💜" Love that you've got there. I'm a bit slow on the uptake with most things  | |||
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"I think a lot of people embrace this model for the wrong reasons or have a distorted view of what it ought to mean. " How do you mean? | |||
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"Love that you've got there. I'm a bit slow on the uptake with most things "I spent the years before that relationship thinking I was just a weird slut and that the way I wanted to live my life was wrong and no-one would tolerate that shit. It's only in the last few years I've really learned about poly and that it's okay to not want that nuclear family nonsense. And that there are plenty of people who happily live this way. I was lucky to find people I adore who either already lived this life, or were questioning the traditional relationship styles and willing to at least give my way a try 💜 | |||
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"In my experience it's an excuse for a multitude of sins unfortunately." Assholes will use anything as an excuse 💜 | |||
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"In my experience it's an excuse for a multitude of sins unfortunately. Assholes will use anything as an excuse 💜" Quite. | |||
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"Having divorced, I know that I enjoy having my own space. Friendship, even intimate, without the possessiveness just seems healthier. " I think that's what feels right for me. I don't want to be someone's "everything". I don't want them to be mine. I want to know that the bond is always an active choice and pleasure on both sides, and not a habit or societal expectation. | |||
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"Yes. Sums up my life perfectly now and absolutely zero intention of it ever changing again. " Happy for you, Obi  | |||
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"Yes, I have just discovered this is what suits me best, I was always monogamous with my previous partners, but felt there was something missing, then slight resentment would set in. I’m initially looking for my person, just the 1, that is open to explore & experiment, but knowing they were getting 100% of me " Are you actively dating now? | |||
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I have the starter cat pack | |||
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"Having divorced, I know that I enjoy having my own space. Friendship, even intimate, without the possessiveness just seems healthier. I think that's what feels right for me. I don't want to be someone's "everything". I don't want them to be mine. I want to know that the bond is always an active choice and pleasure on both sides, and not a habit or societal expectation. " Exactly it means the ‘relationship’ has space to breathe. It works for me. But I fully respect that other people can and should make different choices that work for them. | |||
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"I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living? This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate." How do you* | |||
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"So as of now, I am clear with what I seek and I am not compromising on that because I have learnt that this brings unhappiness to all and I’m too old to walk in the shadow, I need sun on my bones. " This resonates so much. I hope your bones get all the sunshine they need, DD x | |||
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"I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living? This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate. How do you*" I'll let you know if I ever get to that stage
Mine are older, so having those conversations, if I choose to, will be easier. I also have 50% of my time without my children, so conducting any sexual/romantic relationship without it converging with family life is perfectly possible. | |||
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"I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living? This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate." Very easily. I've only lived with one person and that was post my child moving out. I was a single parent whilst they were growing up, and my long term partners including an 8yr one I just chose to never to live with. They had some interaction with my child but no different to any of my other friends in my life. Staying overnight was always done when my child was with family. | |||
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"Nell I totally this. I’ve done the combining assets and homes a couple of times now once involving marriage and others not. It’s such hassle unpicking it and I can’t see myself ever doing it again but that doesn’t mean I’d never enter into another relationship. Yep, same story here, Crimson. I'm not ready for a relationship yet after the last one ended, but if/when I am it makes me a bit sad that it'll be really hard to find someone(s) who will be content with never living together. People will see it as a relationship that's "not going anywhere", or isn't real love, that I don't love them enough. " There’s a woman in the village I grew up in who lives separately from her partner all week (there’s distance involved) then they stay at each others houses at the weekend. I know this because she got talking to my mother one time who was completely baffled by the approach, bless her 70 year old self. | |||
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory. Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence. What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression. I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 " I understand. I tried the marriage thing didn’t work as I basically hated living with someone like you my own space and independence is vital for my well-being. I also live in a quite area off season so dating pool is very low. | |||
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"Nell I totally this. I’ve done the combining assets and homes a couple of times now once involving marriage and others not. It’s such hassle unpicking it and I can’t see myself ever doing it again but that doesn’t mean I’d never enter into another relationship. Yep, same story here, Crimson. I'm not ready for a relationship yet after the last one ended, but if/when I am it makes me a bit sad that it'll be really hard to find someone(s) who will be content with never living together. People will see it as a relationship that's "not going anywhere", or isn't real love, that I don't love them enough. There’s a woman in the village I grew up in who lives separately from her partner all week (there’s distance involved) then they stay at each others houses at the weekend. I know this because she got talking to my mother one time who was completely baffled by the approach, bless her 70 year old self. " Oh yeah. I hadn't yet got to how to deal with baffled family members  | |||
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory. Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence. What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression. I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 I understand. I tried the marriage thing didn’t work as I basically hated living with someone like you my own space and independence is vital for my well-being. I also live in a quite area off season so dating pool is very low. " Meow meow meow 😻 | |||
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"I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living? This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate. Very easily. I've only lived with one person and that was post my child moving out. I was a single parent whilst they were growing up, and my long term partners including an 8yr one I just chose to never to live with. They had some interaction with my child but no different to any of my other friends in my life. Staying overnight was always done when my child was with family. " Thank you both for answering. So for the most part you keep them separate. | |||
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"*raises hand* I’ve been living this for 2 1/2 years now. It definitely feels the most authentic version of myself. I wouldn’t want to live with someone and blend domestically again. As you say; the active choice with partners is very comforting "  | |||
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"I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living? This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate. Very easily. I've only lived with one person and that was post my child moving out. I was a single parent whilst they were growing up, and my long term partners including an 8yr one I just chose to never to live with. They had some interaction with my child but no different to any of my other friends in my life. Staying overnight was always done when my child was with family. Thank you both for answering. So for the most part you keep them separate." Kept... These days she's an adult and is fully aware I'm on here (long story), she also knows I attend clubs on occasion and I see people for the interactions/relationships I do. Plus she knows I'm bisexual. No secrets in my life
She's genuinely neither interested nor arsed. I think younger people today are fairly open minded on the whole. And don't tend to give a shit what other folk are getting up to in the bedroom | |||
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"Can you be a relationship anarchist with a nesting partner? I don't know. I do known that relationship escalators don't work for me - I'd much rather customise relationships through what works for us both. Talk to those I'm in a poly relationship with and find out what we are, learn us then adhere to societal expectations. I've never struggled to balance partners. I don't believe that nesting means best. I don't believe that my poly partner is the fun side. It doesn't quite work like that for me. I really like active choice. I hate feeling... obligated or that they do. I tried monogamy for a couple of years. Then I tried ENM and realised I was poly and struggled with that for a little bit. Feelings of guilt, like I wanted too much, would never be happy etc. I think being true to yourself is a wonderful thing. Finding people who support and understand that? Even more so. It can take time but it's worth it. " Oh, yes. The guilt. That has been a recurring theme in my relationships for the last 20 years 
Why weren't you around to enlighten me sooner, Meli? | |||
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" Oh, yes. The guilt. That has been a recurring theme in my relationships for the last 20 years
Why weren't you around to enlighten me sooner, Meli? "I was in school, sorry Nell. Darn significant age gap friendships, really get in the way of enlightment don't they? I'm really happy you started this thread - talking about it openly, getting different views on how people solo poly/RA, it's good. 🧡 | |||
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory. Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence. What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression. I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 " Nell, you are the bestest | |||
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"Nell, you are the bestest "Love ya, Mrs KC 😘 | |||
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" Too much definition becomes a cage that stifles growth and evolution, whereas a little is supportive of it." Yep, I just get bored and unsatisfied with a single lover , doesn’t matter how great they are. It’s nice to have several and they don’t just depend on you for their needs. I want all the non-sex stuff too ! It’s as important | |||
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" Too much definition becomes a cage that stifles growth and evolution, whereas a little is supportive of it. Yep, I just get bored and unsatisfied with a single lover , doesn’t matter how great they are. It’s nice to have several and they don’t just depend on you for their needs. I want all the non-sex stuff too ! It’s as important " See now, I read that comment as forcing any kind of rigid structure on a relationship stifles it, whether that's monogamy and nesting or the absolute rejection of. I think if I thought I'd be bored or unsatisfied with any of my lovers if they were the only one, I wouldn't be keeping them around to bore and leave me dissatisfied between seeing the ones who do work for me. | |||
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"Has anyone else come to the realisation that these relationship models best suit them after unsuccessfully trying to shoehorn themselves into monogamy for two decades? " Yes. Exactly that. Including the timeframe. Sigh. I've been soly poly for 5.5 years now and would not change a single thing. And during the course of that time, realised that RA massively resonates for me. It can be frustrating sometimes when others belittle or demean the value of my relationships. I get asked when I'm going to have a real relationship...i get told "you'll get there one day" when I say I'll never live with another adult ever again. Recently at a club I got asked if I think I have an avoidant attachment style 😆 that one in particular made me guffaw with laughter - and I explained that no, quite the opposite, I think I have a secure attachment style... because RA/sopo allow for me to connect with people in the way that's *just right* for that particular connection, rather than trying to shoehorn it in to a particular box and discarding it if it doesn't fit. My connections and relationships of all kinds (friendship, romantic, sexual, etc etc) have all been able to grow to extents they never would have been able to if not for RA. | |||
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"We've been together nearly 5 years and don't live together. And it works for us. If we lived together our relationship would probably decline and we would split within a year or so. We recognise that as much as we love each other and are compatible in many ways, living together wouldn't be one of them. " This is so heartwarming to read. I have hope | |||
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"I think nesting polyamory is a struggle for most that attempt it. The only successful poly couples I’ve ever known, there’s been a few, have had separate living arrangements. Non-nesting. There’s a struggle to balance the day to day living arrangements of the best partner with the fun side of the poly partner. " I have a nesting partner but I've maintained two partners for a number of years now. My non-nesting partner feels very much the same as the OP about cohabiting and combining finances but he still has companionship and romantic love and support through our relationship. None of my partners are the "fun side" or the "best" they're individuals with their own needs and all relationships have high points, difficult patches and times when you're navigating rough life situations together. | |||
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"I think nesting polyamory is a struggle for most that attempt it. The only successful poly couples I’ve ever known, there’s been a few, have had separate living arrangements. Non-nesting. There’s a struggle to balance the day to day living arrangements of the best partner with the fun side of the poly partner. I have a nesting partner but I've maintained two partners for a number of years now. My non-nesting partner feels very much the same as the OP about cohabiting and combining finances but he still has companionship and romantic love and support through our relationship. None of my partners are the "fun side" or the "best" they're individuals with their own needs and all relationships have high points, difficult patches and times when you're navigating rough life situations together. " It feels like the good old days of poly chat in the fora once more. Missed them. | |||
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"Can you be a relationship anarchist with a nesting partner? I don't know. I do known that relationship escalators don't work for me - I'd much rather customise relationships through what works for us both. Talk to those I'm in a poly relationship with and find out what we are, learn us then adhere to societal expectations. I've never struggled to balance partners. I don't believe that nesting means best. I don't believe that my poly partner is the fun side. It doesn't quite work like that for me. I really like active choice. I hate feeling... obligated or that they do. I tried monogamy for a couple of years. Then I tried ENM and realised I was poly and struggled with that for a little bit. Feelings of guilt, like I wanted too much, would never be happy etc. I think being true to yourself is a wonderful thing. Finding people who support and understand that? Even more so. It can take time but it's worth it. " If it helps, I consider myself a relationship anarchist despite having a nesting partner. Anarchy just means that the typical "rules" are rejected, not that you can't make some of the common, normalised choices. Just that it's not a given. I have a nesting partner because it makes financial sense and it works because he's very sociable so I get the space and free time I need as he's out a lot. I'm also not interested in marriage or children with anyone. I like to consider relationships as like a pick and mix of options we can choose together depending on what suits without having to abide by societal expectations of what a relationship means such as how much time we spend together, whether we have holidays together, whether we want to meet friends or family, if we have a sexual relationship, etc. That's why I identify with relationship anarchy. | |||
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"I think nesting polyamory is a struggle for most that attempt it. The only successful poly couples I’ve ever known, there’s been a few, have had separate living arrangements. Non-nesting. There’s a struggle to balance the day to day living arrangements of the best partner with the fun side of the poly partner. I have a nesting partner but I've maintained two partners for a number of years now. My non-nesting partner feels very much the same as the OP about cohabiting and combining finances but he still has companionship and romantic love and support through our relationship. None of my partners are the "fun side" or the "best" they're individuals with their own needs and all relationships have high points, difficult patches and times when you're navigating rough life situations together. It feels like the good old days of poly chat in the fora once more. Missed them. "Aww Meli, always loved our poly chats with Steve and CD. | |||
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory. Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence. What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression. I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 " I love this for you OP. It's so liberating to figure out what we need, even if it takes time to find it. I really wish my dad would embrace the idea of solo poly. He too has no desire to combine lives with another in the way again and it really has limited his relationships sadly. I've always thought solo poly would fit him so well but as much as he accepts and supports me being polyamorous, he doesn't see it as something for him which is fair. It just hurts me heart to see him unable to find love because everyone wants to eventually move in together. | |||
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory. Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence. What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression. I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 " That's a brutal way to turn down my marriage proposal, Nell...😪 | |||
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"Bumping for LB 😘" ♥️ | |||
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory. Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence. What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression. I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 " I'm already there with the cats, but yes. The thought of having to live with someone in my personal space completely freaks me out. I'd have someone visit or stay over, that would be enough. It's hard when you've been brought up the "old fashioned" way. | |||
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"Nesting poly sounds like something I might like, is it a friend to collect shiny things? " No it's the partner you share a home with if you do. | |||
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It’s something I’ve been pondering of late and hearing (seeing?) the different experiences is really interesting and helpful.
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" Too much definition becomes a cage that stifles growth and evolution, whereas a little is supportive of it. Yep, I just get bored and unsatisfied with a single lover , doesn’t matter how great they are. It’s nice to have several and they don’t just depend on you for their needs. I want all the non-sex stuff too ! It’s as important See now, I read that comment as forcing any kind of rigid structure on a relationship stifles it, whether that's monogamy and nesting or the absolute rejection of. I think if I thought I'd be bored or unsatisfied with any of my lovers if they were the only one, I wouldn't be keeping them around to bore and leave me dissatisfied between seeing the ones who do work for me." I missed that. Odd, I needed that 'someone gets me' feeling today. Thank you. | |||
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