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" I was in hospital yesterday getting a mole removed from my penis, the docs said it went well. But the RSPCA say if I do it again they will prosecute. " ROFLMAO | |||
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"I walked into the chemist and asked for some deodorant. The chemist asked "ball type?" I said "no, armpit type!" " Whilst I was there I also asked for a bedpan The Chemist asked if I'd tried Boots. I said yes I have but I find they leak through the eyelets. | |||
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"Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..' ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No.' 'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Athens ' " Phoned my dad and told him that one lol x | |||
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"Women wake up yawning and men wake up with an erection. Coincidence, I think not! " | |||
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"We've got an aviary at home but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music: Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark." | |||
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"Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..' ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No.' 'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Athens ' Phoned my dad and told him that one lol x" Bet you didn't tell him where you read it! | |||
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" Walked past the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song...... When I opened the door it was a chive talkin.....I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion?.... But it said, I'm stayin a chive, ah,ah,ah,ah, stayin a chive.... " So that was just chive talkin' ? | |||
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"Three parrots for sale. £100,£200 and £15, a woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?" the shop keeper replies "because it used to live in a brothel" the woman thinks it's funny and buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says "fuck me a new brothel" the woman laughs. the two daughters come home, "fuck me new prossies" the girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says "fuck me keith I haven't seen you for weeks!" " | |||
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"Three parrots for sale. £100,£200 and £15, a woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?" the shop keeper replies "because it used to live in a brothel" the woman thinks it's funny and buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says "fuck me a new brothel" the woman laughs. the two daughters come home, "fuck me new prossies" the girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says "fuck me keith I haven't seen you for weeks!" " I'll ring that bloody parrots neck. | |||
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" I just installed Bonnie Tyler's voice on my Sat-Nav. It's awful, it keeps telling me to "Turn around" and every now and then it falls apart. " | |||
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"We've got an aviary at home but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music: Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark." So shit it's perfect | |||
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"Did you know that anal sex is illegal in Iceland? Not sure if its the same in LidiL so be careful. " | |||
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"Despite robin van persie netting 25 times for united this season he is still only the 3rd best attacker in manchester behind ken barlow and kevin webster " | |||
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"I was sitting on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers and the wife said "you spoil those dogs"." Lol | |||
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"An Irishman goes to the Doctor. "It's me arse. I'd loik ya ta tek a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?" "Tek it out!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last note comes out. "Ah, tank ya, dat's better. Just how much was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.." " lol lol | |||
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"Q: What's the difference between me and a mosquito? A: A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it." I would love to put that to the test | |||
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" Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy. " That is now my quote of the week. Ta. | |||
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