FabSwingers.com forum: Acknowledging possible rejection: courteous or defeatist?

By *asterMeliodas OP Man
17 weeks ago

Newmill

I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.

Following an exchange I had in another forum topic a while back, someone pointed out that this may come across as lacking in confidence or defeatist rather than courteous and as a reassurance that if I didn't get a reply there was no intention to send any follow-up messages like a lot of people had to deal with, so I stopped doing it.

I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.

So TL;DR the question is: if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful of the possibility that you wouldn't just immediately be smitten with them? Or would it come across as lacking in confidence because they've already introduced the possibility of nothing coming of it before you've even decided whether to get back to them?

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By *rsMistyPeaksWoman
17 weeks ago

Essex

"I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.

I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.

I’d take it as respectful & respect you far more for it. The possibility of not being “right” for someone isn’t a lack of confidence necessarily. There is a very lovely happy medium between arrogance and diffidence.

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By *asterMeliodas OP Man
17 weeks ago

Newmill

"I’d take it as respectful & respect you far more for it. The possibility of not being “right” for someone isn’t a lack of confidence necessarily. There is a very lovely happy medium between arrogance and diffidence."

Thank you for your input, Misty. That makes a lot of sense and is roughly in line with how I'd been considering it, too.

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By *3nsesMan
17 weeks ago

Dublin

I feel it is a rather pointless exercise. Either the person is genuinely being courteous or else they're lying. Ultimately, as I'm never to getting to know that person further I'll never actually know the answer to that so it becomes irrelevant as to which camp they fall into.

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By *ickedwitchWoman
17 weeks ago

worcester

I wouldn’t think anything of it, if it was someone I had no interest in then it’s just an easy delete

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
17 weeks ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

I used to put that at the end.

I'll never know if it made a difference. People either replied or they didn't.

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By *ickle-Lilly-WillyMan
17 weeks ago

Ends

If someone actually messaged me I’d be stuck on that

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By *asterMeliodas OP Man
17 weeks ago

Newmill

"If someone actually messaged me I’d be stuck on that"

Ask and ye shall receive.

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By *lueLotusWoman
17 weeks ago

the wilderness

It would come across as respectful to me.

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By *essTTWoman
17 weeks ago

Birmingham

"I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.

I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.

I don't think it's defeatist

I say the same when I message people as I'm aware that I'm not everyone's type x

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By *essTTWoman
17 weeks ago

Birmingham

"If someone actually messaged me I’d be stuck on that"

I literally messaged you the other day

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By *ickle-Lilly-WillyMan
17 weeks ago

Ends

"I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.

I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.

I don't think it's defeatist

I say the same when I message people as I'm aware that I'm not everyone's type x"

Freaky gyal ah my type 🤭🥰

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By *asterMeliodas OP Man
17 weeks ago

Newmill

"I don't think it's defeatist

I say the same when I message people as I'm aware that I'm not everyone's type x"

That's good to know, thank you for your input.

Thank you as well, BlueLotus!

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By (user no longer on site)
17 weeks ago

I’ve never read that on the end of a message and associated it with lack of confidence from the sender.

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By *ust another WonkoMan
17 weeks ago

here and there

I message people then delete it.

If they reply great

Anything else I don't know about that's their choice

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
17 weeks ago

Carlisle usually

If I'm not for you then happy fabbing doesn't sound defeatist to me.

Anyone who starts out saying I'm obviously out of their league or I won't be interested anyway, that's defeatist. They go in the bin 💜

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
17 weeks ago

Central

I'd view it positively. I'd appreciate that they seemed thoughtful

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By *nnCeeWoman
17 weeks ago

East of Eden, West of Hell

I wouldn't read it as defeatist either.

I think it's just polite.

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By (user no longer on site)
17 weeks ago

It comes across as polite and respectful.

Even if they weren’t for me I’d be more inclined to reply and thank them for their message.

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By *ed VoluptaWoman
17 weeks ago

Wirral.

"if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful"

Not really. I read it as "I'm sending cut & paste messages, so if you don't reply, hopefully one of the other 49 will"

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By *ellhungvweMan
17 weeks ago

Cheltenham

I think it comes across as weak and unsure of yourself. Also, in my experience, if people have to tell you that they are the type of person who will not follow up then the likelihood is that they are the type of person who follows up.

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By (user no longer on site)
17 weeks ago

Not getting a reply should be the end of all communication. Who has the time to reply to everyone who messages? Nobody, move on.

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By *7VYMan
17 weeks ago

Orbit

I don't believe there's any right answer, more of a perception vs perspective thing and will differ between people truly.

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By *ell GwynnWoman
17 weeks ago

North Yorkshire

I see it as respectful and realistic, not an indicator of low confidence. Even I've said similar things in a message, and I definitely don't lack confidence. It simply acknowledges that we won't be attractive to, or compatible with, everyone.

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By *uskWandererMan
17 weeks ago

Ormskirk

When I drop the first message, I usually put something similar to that. I see it a polite courtesy and mature way of saying "If you don't get back to me or say no, I'm man enough to move on with my life"

Everyone has their own wants and don't all suit everyone else. About the only time it might be seen as negative is people looking for those "Hyper Dominant Control You" types

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
17 weeks ago

Coventry

Yes I think it's respectful and pleasant but I don't think it adds any value or helps you.

Personally I expect people to be decent and respectful anyway as default. So I don't see it praiseworthy as selling point. Obviously many on here aren't, but they reveal themselves anyway and nothing you can do about them.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to put in but I don't think it's needed. A per your suspicious that to some it might not come across too positive I'd say it probably is more likely to hinder than to aid.

Also you can communicate that you're a decent and respectful guy anyway through the other things you write and through your bio.

Personally I say leave it out.

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
17 weeks ago

Maidstone

I had (past tense) a tendancy to over complicate things. I then worked with a bombastic manager who actually coached me to be more succinct.

If your first message is "how about connecting?" then keep it to that.

If they bite, then now is your chance to show them how genuinely nice you are.

Just make sure your profile comes across pleasant too... You want to meet someone who actually reads them!

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By *eordieJeansCouple
17 weeks ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

I used to work in sales and I use the same approach when talking to women. I wouldn’t put that at the end of a message because it’s already putting the idea of rejection in their head.

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By *8on33Man
17 weeks ago

winfrith

if you think about it any kind of negativity would put the people you are trying to interact with of ,it shows a lack of confidence, I may not be the hottest guy but if you don't reply thanks anyway .

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By *8on33Man
17 weeks ago

winfrith

"if you think about it any kind of negativity would put the people you are trying to interact with of ,it shows a lack of confidence, I may not be the hottest guy but if you don't reply thanks anyway ."
off

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By *oiluvfunMan
17 weeks ago

Penrith

When I message someone for the first time, I pick out a few points of particular interest from their profile, which lets them know I’ve actually read/viewed all their profile, and end the message with a clear indication I would love to hear from them. If they reply, great! If not, they’re not interested, just move on

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
17 weeks ago

Cheshire

‘If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!’

It’s nice and appears that person has the maturity to understand that not everyone will be attracted to them. But it’s still slightly problematic.

It’s the ‘if I’m not for you’ still comes across as a question as needing confirmation from the other person.

Personally ‘thanks for answering my message and happy fabbing’ would be a perfect sign off.

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By (user no longer on site)
17 weeks ago

Sounds polite.

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By *ellinever70Woman
17 weeks ago

Ayrshire

I think it's just something that doesn't really need to be said

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By *he KakapoMan
17 weeks ago

A nice rock

[Removed by poster at 08/08/24 10:08:14]

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By *he KakapoMan
17 weeks ago

A nice rock

My biggest issue here is the TL;DR summary is as long as the main message

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By *hristopherd999Man
17 weeks ago

Brentwood

I don't think it matters, people will delete or not reply for any reason that suits them

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By *asterMeliodas OP Man
17 weeks ago

Newmill

My biggest issue here is the TL;DR summary is as long as the main message"

Welcome to being me. :P

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By (user no longer on site)
17 weeks ago

Ahhh this is actually very interesting. I never say that at the end of a first message but I always tend to say it after I send a face pic. I can see why it sounds defeatist but I guess I'm quite used to chats going silent after that so it's almost like a defence mechanism preparing myself for the conversation to go dead.

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By *asterMeliodas OP Man
17 weeks ago

Newmill

"‘If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!’

It’s nice and appears that person has the maturity to understand that not everyone will be attracted to them. But it’s still slightly problematic.

It’s the ‘if I’m not for you’ still comes across as a question as needing confirmation from the other person.

Personally ‘thanks for answering my message and happy fabbing’ would be a perfect sign off. "

Wouldn't "thanks for answering my message" be more problematic in that it has a built-in assumption that there will be an answer in the first place?

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By *asterMeliodas OP Man
17 weeks ago

Newmill

"if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful

Not really. I read it as "I'm sending cut & paste messages, so if you don't reply, hopefully one of the other 49 will""

To clarify, at least in my own case if not others, my messages always cover specific parts of the profile, so that it's obvious it's not a paste job.

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By *icksastard002Man
17 weeks ago

Hove

I do it, mainly just to assure myself that i'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's ok.

Sure i'd appreciate a response of "not for me, but thank you" but no one is under any obligation to provide such a message.

I dunno, maybe it just makes me feel a bit better haha.

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By *eliWoman
17 weeks ago

I think it's just something that doesn't need to be said.

And it feels a bit like they've not received replies before and they want to say they're cool with it. Sometimes those who say that are far from it.

It's not something I've ever said... actually, that's not quite true. I sent a dear person some photos of me when he came back after six years away. I was a bit nervous in case he wasn't interested and put something about it being cool if we didn't have a date. It was and I also kind of thought he wouldn't be.

So I guess to me it gives off slightly nervous energy?

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By *icksastard002Man
17 weeks ago

Hove

Yeah, nervous energy does describe it well for me now that you mention it.

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By *he KakapoMan
17 weeks ago

A nice rock

My biggest issue here is the TL;DR summary is as long as the main message

Welcome to being me. :P"

For s serious answer.

It wouldn't strike me as lacking confidence no.

Over confidence in messages is much worse imo.

If you comfortable with it in as a sign off keep it

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
17 weeks ago

Reading

I don't see it as defeatist, more acknowledging that any one person will only appeal to a subset.

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By *ebauchedDeviantsPt2Couple
17 weeks ago

Cumbria

"I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.

I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.

We think it’s a lovely thing to put af the end of a message, and someone who writes it is far more likely to get a response, even if that is a ‘thanks but no thanks.’

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By *eyond PurityCouple
17 weeks ago

Lincolnshire

I think it depends how the rest of the message is.

If it’s a woe is me type message and that’s tagged on the end then I’d see it as defeatist.

If it’s upbeat and says it, it’s giving you the option and they’ll be fine with it.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
17 weeks ago

The Town by The Cross

Dear Sainsbury's

Please send me a huge washing powder and three blocks of butter and also all the cake you have on offer and the wine offer of 6 bottles for £25.00.

If however you are not interested in my offer of custom and don't even send the stuff or reply to my order that is perfectly okay by me. I fully understand that I am not the only customer on here and I get how busy you are so don't worry and thanks very much indeed for reading this.

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By *he Silver FuxMan
17 weeks ago

Uttoxeter

"I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.

I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.

The problem that many men have is that they have little to no coping mechanisms in the face of rejection. Fragile egos, entitlement and particularly on websites like Fab, a constant stream of nil response aka ‘rejection’ or something I think worse… ‘breadcrumbing’.

It is deluded to think that we must be attractive to any, let alone many… and we must accept rejection in a positive manner…. for the sake of mental health sometimes. In the case where a message has been received, read and then responded to with an incredibly polite (for this site especially) ‘thank you l but you’re not for me’… the only response (should one be considered necessary) is “thank you for taking the time to reply” Any other attempts at re-engagement, clarification, justification, further flirting are not required and you pathetic individuals who send abuse…just fuck off.

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By (user no longer on site)
17 weeks ago

"I used to put that at the end.

I'll never know if it made a difference. People either replied or they didn't.

Everything in life is 50/50

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