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Todays text joke..........

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Fantstic!

Ive just discovered twitter, its the sensitive area between my girlfriends twat and her shitter

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By *oe_Steve_NWestCouple
over a year ago

Bolton

that is soooooo funny

Steve

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By *i 1 Get 1 FreeCouple (MM)
over a year ago

birmingham

Girl says to her BF, I want you to shock me this Christmas

So he bought her a mirror!

Well it made me laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Fantstic!

Ive just discovered twitter, its the sensitive area between my girlfriends twat and her shitter "

Thought that was a chin rest

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Woman is admitted to hospital with a hoover nozzle wedged in her pussy. Although she's in intensive care doctors say she's picking up nicely.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Missus asked me this morning where I was planning to take her for Valentines Day. Apparently 'up the arse' isn't an acceptable answer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

girl go's into work an someone comment 2

her that her tits looked like a

25year old's..she went home an told her

hubby an he said wat they say about ya

55year old fanny..she reply oh they didnt

mention u... lol xxx

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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago

A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love

Just bought the wife a bag and belt for valentines day .

The hoover works a fooking treat now!

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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Woman answers the phone and a pervert on the other end says 'have you got a big fat sweaty hairy cut?'.

Woman says.....

'Yeah, he's laid on the settee, do you want to speak to him?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just bought the missus a new bag and belt for Valentines Day.......The hoover works a treat now!

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By *ensterMan
over a year ago

Staffordshire


"My Missus asked me this morning where I was planning to take her for Valentines Day. Apparently 'up the arse' isn't an acceptable answer.

"

lmao

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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

You'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!

YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Doctor approaches new mother.

'Your baby is an hermaphrodite'

'What's that' the mother says.

'It means your baby has both male and female parts' says the Doc.

'Oh my god!' The woman exclaimed, 'You mean he has a penis and a brain?'

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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t figure out where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says “Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don’t mean?” The second guy replies “Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits. So instead of asking her for ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh’ I asked for ‘two tickets to Titsburgh’”. The first guy says, “Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying ‘Honey, could you please pass me the sugar?’ I said, ‘You’ve ruined my life you fecking bitch!’”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Fantstic!

Ive just discovered twitter, its the sensitive area between my girlfriends twat and her shitter "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I say I say I say, "I've got a dog that has no nose"

"You've got a dog that has no nose, how does he smell ? "

"Terrible"

Tishhhhh Boom !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Arrived home to find my wife dead in the washing machine today.

I'm gutted, but at least she died in comfort.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She was talking to the doctor."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
Forum Mod
over a year ago

A man lying in a hospital bed on oxygen asks the nurse if his testicles are black

She lifts the sheet and has a look and replies "no they look fine to me"

He takes his oxygen mask off and says "im glad about that but I asked if my test results were back"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
Forum Mod
over a year ago

just go back from the hospital,they reckon I may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsillcovolcanoniosis.... but at the moment its hard to say

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

A man lying in a hospital bed on oxygen asks the nurse if his testicles are black

She lifts the sheet and has a look and replies "no they look fine to me"

He takes his oxygen mask off and says "im glad about that but I asked if my test results were back" "

Pahhhh Hahhhhh, now that did tickle my fancy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"just go back from the hospital,they reckon I may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsillcovolcanoniosis.... but at the moment its hard to say "

But it can be cured, just 500Mg 3tbs Pnemicyobispenbrton30cillanmoxyperkotricloyclene usually does the trick

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By *ensterMan
over a year ago

Staffordshire

These 2 dislexics walk into a bank and shout.....

"Air in the hands you motherstickers, This is a fuckup!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
Forum Mod
over a year ago


"just go back from the hospital,they reckon I may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsillcovolcanoniosis.... but at the moment its hard to say

But it can be cured, just 500Mg 3tbs Pnemicyobispenbrton30cillanmoxyperkotricloyclene usually does the trick "

I think I have some in the cupboard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There was a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac.....

Sat up all night wondering if there was a Dog.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fella walks into a pub and the landlord notices that the fella has a steering wheel between his legs, Landlord say's "Hello there you do realise you gotta steering wheel between your legs don't ya??", fella replies "I know it's driving me nuts"...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Lady pays £1000 for a penis skin handbag her friend says "thats expensive!"

"not really" she replies " if I stroke it,it turns into a suitcase"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

builder on 3rd floor 4got 2 bring his saw up with him, he shouts to his mate but he cant hear him, so he does sign language. he points to his eye (i) his knee (need)&moves his hand back and 4th in a saw motion. mate nods,pulls down his pants & starts wankig furious, the builder runs downstairs, wot the hell you doing? i said i need a saw! i know i says his mate i was just letting you know i was cumin!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"These 2 dislexics walk into a bank and shout.....

"Air in the hands you motherstickers, This is a fuckup!""

Now that is so genuinely funny - Go sunny I early issed pyself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 Aussies meet up in a bar , all of a sudden Bluey slumps on the table , stone dead . Shane looks at Scott , and says I'll get the beers in you go tell his sheila .

20 mins later Scott gets back with a crate of Fosters . Shane says strewth she gave you them for telling her ?

Errrmmmm not exactly says Scott . I said are you the recent widow ? She said NO ! I said bet you a crate of Fosters you are !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Satan appears in church one Sunday morning in front of 200 worshippers who all run screaming from the building bar one old man at the front. Satan approaches the old man and says, "Do you know who I am?"

"Sure do," the old man replies.

"Well aren't you scared of me?" Satan inquires.

"Nope, sure ain't" responds the old man, cool as cucumber.

"But I could cast you into hell and damnation for all eternity. You'll burn in fires hotter than the Sun, for ever! Doesn't that worry you?", Satan tells the man.

"Nope, sure don't," answers the old fella.

"Why not?" asks a very perplexed Satan. "Why aren't you scared of me?"

And the old man replies, as calm as a hindu cow, "Been married to ya sister for 40 years!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

dont show this joke to the oh omg he would have me riding lifts all day

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"dont show this joke to the oh omg he would have me riding lifts all day"

Looking at your pics, it would appear you already have.

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By *woBiTwoCouple
over a year ago

north manchester

(Had this one from a mate the other day... nearly shat myself!)

Text reads:

"I found out your secret, you dirty little bugger! I'll speak to you later!

xx"

(and then, after scrolling, hidden lower down the page it reads

"Send on and see how many dafties text you back in a panic, lol!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 15/02/10 17:10:21]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".

The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Winter Olympics are in complete chaos following the death of the Swiss competitor in the Luge. The Irish Bobsleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course has been gritted.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office...

Blonde: I'm not feeling very well... I have a sore throat.

Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a blow job... the next day, my throat is fine.

Blonde: Hmmm... interesting.

The next day...

Brunette: How's your throat?

Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!

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